don't get comfortable

this morning my sister called and i answered in time to hear: "hi. this is God. and this is your wake-up call. " followed by Brandon Heaths "don't get comfortable"

that made my morning, today. i woke up at 5 am saturday morning, bright eyed and bushy tailed, unable to go back to sleep. so i curled up on the couch and decided to dig out my devotion book thats' been a little neglected as of late. i smiled when i stopped by hope for each day this morning and found that very entry . today its cold and raunchy outside, but i'm in a much brighter, allbeit introspective mood in here. minutes ago, i confirmed my orientation for the 2nd of march while i wrapped up my 2009/2010 fafsa. still abit uncertain if this is the right path. but trying to leave it there.

it was a beeeee-u-ti-ful day outside...just gorgeous, last monday. but much like the plastic over the windows, i felt just a little too insulated/isolated. i'd been struggling over the past week. struggling with writing and really, what to write, as i saw myself heading back to jwc fairly soon to continue some real-time, and might i add, long over due personal therapy. i was struggling with my position. struggling with what to do with myself, after the month of the year-long winter. moving on from what had felt like never-ending work, would, you'd suppose, be as simple as a breath of fresh air. but instead, i've felt stagnant. twice now, going back to bed, instead of facing the day, has won over.

valentines day was a massacre of sorts. i wonder sometimes if i put too much emphasis on days like these. women are all too often just a little bit difficult to pinpoint. its not like we make it easy for guys, even if we fancy ourselves abit of a mold breaker. still, i think deep down in our psychosis, we're all just really hoping that he gets us. that he remembers our favorite flower or that doll we loved as a child or something so sentimental and in a word: perfect.

of the 2, i'm far more the romantic than jason, tho he tends to do sweet, unexpected things on a much more regular basis than me. due to the history of our dynamic, those sweet, unexpected things are much harder for me, than they were, say, 10 years ago. for me, they remain abit of a power struggle, with me tempted to stomp my proverbial foot and whisper under my breath that i'm not budging until he's made the first move. *prove it* syndrome, if you will.

i don't know what i was hoping for, really. after all the unexpected twists and turns of january, i've felt as tho i've been kinda doing the white-knuckled grip on what remains of our finances, desperately hoping the other shoe doesn't drop so i won't have to hold my breath forever. and jason, my jason, knows by now, that money has the potential for me to ~ borrowing a sophie word ~ be my kryptonite. yet the day before, jason and i had spent the afternoon with some playful shopping for bella. he rolled his eyes when i said we needed to find her a card; his argument that the giant stuffed love-bug and a bag full of chocolates was plenty. i said every girl needs a card. he asked if that was a hint and i laughed, saying "naaah. but bella needs one from us."

i had so much fun that night, waiting til she was fast asleep, to sneak into her room and decorate it. and when she woke up saturday morning, my hard work had paid off, as she squealed with excitement, running into our room to smother us in hugs and kisses.

i love spontaneous surprises. in years past, i've been known to create a bed of roses, rooms full of balloons, a romantic dinner and stay out of town. but this year, i think i was hoping maybe jason would take the lead. i arranged his card, some cutesie boxers i'd picked out, and favorite chocolates on our dresser, before i left for work, snooping just abit to make sure i hadn't maybe missed something. so as i shut the door behind me, it was with a twinge of dissapointment.

i spent the next 12 hours at work. it had been just over a week since i beat a nasty upper respiratory infection, but saturday i began feeling the effects of the cold that my little ladies and all the other staff have been fighting their way thru as well, and i struggled to cold-sweat it thru the day, as bella spent the day with her nana, shopping and playing, and jason spent the day visiting friends, buying a gun off his dad and picking out a replacement cell phone with all kinds of bells and whistles.

when i arrived home, i peeked thru the window. i'd hoped maybe jason would have hung my cupboard doors or hung the blinds, both the sort of chores i detest. maybe there were flowers on the table. instead, his brother was over, drunk, and in an overly chatty mood. bella was spending the night next door and a friend of jasons was on his way over to visit.

no romantic candlelit dinner. no flowers. certainly no card. when jason stepped out later to drive his brother to taco bell, as his imbibed good mood gave way to the munchies, i sat wrapped up in a blanket on the couch, wondering how we get to places like these, in relationships. i bemoaned such movies like "50 first dates" and such, and briefly considered driving myself over to kroger to make out with ben & jerry. i fought back jealousy as i replayed the stories about thoughtful gifts some of the girls from work had received.

i don't know why women are such emotional creatures. why we can become such sniveling basket-cases when things don't go our way. but my heart felt just a little trompled, when jason came home a short time later, giving me a pop-kiss while delivering 2 crunchy tacos and a bag with 2 candles inside, saying, "i hope you'll like these ~ they smell really good and i couldn't believe how cheap they were!".

translation *kat*: wow. i don't mean enough to him to get me something special. he couldn't even take the time to pick out a card or write me something sweet?! no romance, thats for sure. woot. and great ~ cheap candles. i guess i'm not worth anything more than cheap.

translation *jason*: kat's worried about money so i need to be careful with spending. she always says roses are way to expensive and i can't find those other ones she likes...what are they called again? i'd know 'em if i saw 'em. candles are her most favorite thing tho ~ i can't believe i remembered the 2 she looked at and liked while we were shopping for bella. and she won't be upset, because they're even on sale. score. i asked her if she wanted a card but she laughed and said we just needed to buy one for bella. its not much ~ i'd give her the moon if i could. but we've had to really tighten the belt these last several months. maybe next year will be better.

funny how the sexes differ in their rationalizing, no? even more amusing, that it took an entire week for those translations to be put out in the open, on the table. i find it ironic that often the bigger, tougher stuff, jason and i can be brutally honest with eachother and side by side, on the same page. but its the little things that we tend to hold in. or worse, hold back. and its those little things we struggle with the most, i think. the simple stuff that we let fester. i think the same can be said for faith. the smallest, most purest exercise in trust sometimes feel the hardest.

ever have one of those days? 'tryin to get comfortable...

captains log

day 11 in the Trailer That Could. major catastrophes averted, most internal cosmetic details shaping up, slowly. plumbing has been fixed, tho the bank account has been properly stormed. the mystery *odor* is now a thing of the past. toilets are flushing, clothes laundered, and the family reports a joyful adieu to paper plates.

door finally in bathroom. now private moments can indeed return to our regularly scheduled private moments.

as soon as its fabricated, one day soon, an actual window in place, in master bedroom.

nasty garbage dug out from under back deck: check. *trailer trash* has literally and finally all been taken to the dump. 'only took 7 borrowed truck loads to accomplish. rip in butt of pants: even bigger.

pounds lost: many. (woot)

phone service and internet officially up and running. our captain reports she may yet survive.

captain: oh-so-tired.