Sunday, July 24, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
can do
i'm not going to apologize for my last post.
not because i'm wallowing. not because i recommend a full mental breakdown to get you thru those *low places*. but because i'm real. and this is ME. in my authentic, messy, not-so-perfect, not-everything-is-always-hunkey-dory life.
because some days my faith is NOT as big as a mustard seed.
because somedays, we have to get low, to see how to get high.
and because some day, when my daughter is in her 30's & wondering how i felt when i was in MY 30's, i hope she'll read this and know that gravity is normal. that its ok to fall.
that what MATTERS, is that you know who's going to CATCH you when you do.
because He does. ALWAYS.
as i stood in the kitchen last nite, pouring my heart out to my poor sweet husband, who stood there unsure of whether to hold me tight or find an industrial sized kleenex to wipe away my tears & snotty nose, he did the next best thing and didn't say anything at all. so when i finally migrated from the kitchen to the bedroom & collapsed on the bed, he quietly sat down next to me & massaged lotion into my sore left shoulder as we both sat lost in our own thoughts.
there are alot of CAN'Ts in our life right now. and thats a cold hard fact.
but isn't it just the tiniest bit wonderful that we believe in a God of CANs?
i'm pretty sure my guardian angel was kept busy, trying to scrounge up the tiniest violin to play *my heart bleeds for you* last nite, while i poured out my anger and frustration and hurt to God. I prayed for my family. for my hurts. for my mom who's sick with pneumonia. and i prayed until i drifted off to sleep. i don't think i uttered the word *thank you* once.
yet i woke up this morning at peace. somehow, when i least expected it, and least deserved it, God saw thru all my nonsense, and He held me close & carried me through.
thats called grace, kids.
last nite, that line from that song " so i'll smile my best smile...and i'll laugh like its going out of style"....kept taunting me, as i dreaded going to church today. jason even asked me if i wanted to lay out just this once. to take a break. but i told him no....it wasn't the right thing to do. i needed to go.
on the drive there, bella's friend from the infamous back-yard-camp-out called, asking if she could come with us. and i was take aback, because when she spent the nite that time & had gone to church with us the next day, she acted completely annoyed to be there with us. she refused to participate in the games i'd planned for class or sing or even pray. and i was gentle and sweet with her there, but you know, i hadn't said one prayer for her since. i hadn't asked God to touch her heart or hoped she'd learned just one thing during that time she'd spent in our home or the hour in church that she'd stubbed up. i hadn't reached out to her at all. instead, i think i breathed an audible sigh of relief when we dropped her off.
and yet there she was, calling to ask to go with us. and when we pulled up, her sister shyly asked if she could come too. and we said sure, the more the merrier, and i surprised myself by MEANING it.
across from the college, sits a Pal's. one of those fast food burger joints found only here in the south. they have a new quote every day on their billboard & this morning it read: Keep Smiling. i thought that was fitting, for the way the morning was going. so i tried it. and i kept it on, when we got to church & i smiled at everyone and greeted all the excited kids and i knew this was indeed, exactly where i needed to be. and when i took them down for class after praise & worship, we talked about Gentleness, in our fruit of the spirit study. we talked about a Gentle Heavenly Father that longs to hug us up tight & love us. about the same sweet Jesus that humbled himself to wash the disciples feet, who humbles Himself every day to try to be a part of our lives. and we each drew an animal that represented gentleness to us, and then played boys vs. girls, being blindfolded & trying to copy each drawing.
hilarity ensued.
and i felt good. and i thanked God. for loving me in those low places. when i forget to be grateful. when i forget what it means to lay it down. to compartmentalize....a gift He gave me...ALL of us a long time ago. to take what we can in this moment, and set the rest of it on the shelf. His shelf. cuz we're handed alot of can'ts every single day. we just need to remember to breathe. and handle the cans. and give the can'ts to Him.
maybe its time you, like me, unwrapped that gift. its not shiny and new. maybe abit more like borrowed and blue. rough around the edges. it doesn't have magic powers & won't answer all your questions and fix all the broken stuff laying around in your life. but its precious. because HE gave it to us. its that need...that absolute desire to lay down our wonderwoman badge and crawl up in His arms and rest awhile.
not because i'm wallowing. not because i recommend a full mental breakdown to get you thru those *low places*. but because i'm real. and this is ME. in my authentic, messy, not-so-perfect, not-everything-is-always-hunkey-dory life.
because some days my faith is NOT as big as a mustard seed.
because somedays, we have to get low, to see how to get high.
and because some day, when my daughter is in her 30's & wondering how i felt when i was in MY 30's, i hope she'll read this and know that gravity is normal. that its ok to fall.
that what MATTERS, is that you know who's going to CATCH you when you do.
because He does. ALWAYS.
as i stood in the kitchen last nite, pouring my heart out to my poor sweet husband, who stood there unsure of whether to hold me tight or find an industrial sized kleenex to wipe away my tears & snotty nose, he did the next best thing and didn't say anything at all. so when i finally migrated from the kitchen to the bedroom & collapsed on the bed, he quietly sat down next to me & massaged lotion into my sore left shoulder as we both sat lost in our own thoughts.
there are alot of CAN'Ts in our life right now. and thats a cold hard fact.
but isn't it just the tiniest bit wonderful that we believe in a God of CANs?
i'm pretty sure my guardian angel was kept busy, trying to scrounge up the tiniest violin to play *my heart bleeds for you* last nite, while i poured out my anger and frustration and hurt to God. I prayed for my family. for my hurts. for my mom who's sick with pneumonia. and i prayed until i drifted off to sleep. i don't think i uttered the word *thank you* once.
yet i woke up this morning at peace. somehow, when i least expected it, and least deserved it, God saw thru all my nonsense, and He held me close & carried me through.
thats called grace, kids.
last nite, that line from that song " so i'll smile my best smile...and i'll laugh like its going out of style"....kept taunting me, as i dreaded going to church today. jason even asked me if i wanted to lay out just this once. to take a break. but i told him no....it wasn't the right thing to do. i needed to go.
on the drive there, bella's friend from the infamous back-yard-camp-out called, asking if she could come with us. and i was take aback, because when she spent the nite that time & had gone to church with us the next day, she acted completely annoyed to be there with us. she refused to participate in the games i'd planned for class or sing or even pray. and i was gentle and sweet with her there, but you know, i hadn't said one prayer for her since. i hadn't asked God to touch her heart or hoped she'd learned just one thing during that time she'd spent in our home or the hour in church that she'd stubbed up. i hadn't reached out to her at all. instead, i think i breathed an audible sigh of relief when we dropped her off.
and yet there she was, calling to ask to go with us. and when we pulled up, her sister shyly asked if she could come too. and we said sure, the more the merrier, and i surprised myself by MEANING it.
across from the college, sits a Pal's. one of those fast food burger joints found only here in the south. they have a new quote every day on their billboard & this morning it read: Keep Smiling. i thought that was fitting, for the way the morning was going. so i tried it. and i kept it on, when we got to church & i smiled at everyone and greeted all the excited kids and i knew this was indeed, exactly where i needed to be. and when i took them down for class after praise & worship, we talked about Gentleness, in our fruit of the spirit study. we talked about a Gentle Heavenly Father that longs to hug us up tight & love us. about the same sweet Jesus that humbled himself to wash the disciples feet, who humbles Himself every day to try to be a part of our lives. and we each drew an animal that represented gentleness to us, and then played boys vs. girls, being blindfolded & trying to copy each drawing.
hilarity ensued.
and i felt good. and i thanked God. for loving me in those low places. when i forget to be grateful. when i forget what it means to lay it down. to compartmentalize....a gift He gave me...ALL of us a long time ago. to take what we can in this moment, and set the rest of it on the shelf. His shelf. cuz we're handed alot of can'ts every single day. we just need to remember to breathe. and handle the cans. and give the can'ts to Him.
maybe its time you, like me, unwrapped that gift. its not shiny and new. maybe abit more like borrowed and blue. rough around the edges. it doesn't have magic powers & won't answer all your questions and fix all the broken stuff laying around in your life. but its precious. because HE gave it to us. its that need...that absolute desire to lay down our wonderwoman badge and crawl up in His arms and rest awhile.
Friday, July 8, 2011
meltdowns
this is an excellent read:
http://www.chattingatthesky.com/2011/07/05/how-to-take-a-vacation/
"you can breathe in the deep mountain air along with all your worries...."
amen.
they did a special service sunday, in celebration of the 4th of july. so things were done differently. and there was never a *good* time to dismiss the kids for childrens church without disrupting the entire congregation, so i didn't. i thought, maybe, like with so many other things, they just "forgot" to include me on the "plan". i leaned over during the special singing & whispered to jason, wondering if i was supposed to stay or go. he shrugged his shoulders, just as confused as i was.
fast forward 2 hours later & I was returning a call from the pastors wife, wondering if there was "something wrong....why hadn't i taken the kids over...we had several kids show up that day and then there was little rose that started crying in the middle of the service, interrupting the sermon..."
unfortunately, after a long & strenuous week, it was the icing on a very large cake, for me, and i hate to admit it, but i dissolved in a heap of tears, the moment i hung up the phone.
i've been struggling with so many of the *little things* in the *low places* over the past many weeks.
i know we go thru these valleys...these low places, for a reason. that there is a lesson in the quiet moments. the moments that seems to stand still and stagnant. but sometimes, it seems we're stuck there for awhile & i can't help but feel like my faith must not be strong enough or theres' a lesson i'm missing along the way.
on the way home, my power steering pump had gone out. yet another costly need in the ever growing mental list i keep. i'd worked overtime all week, in part to keep me busy & not thinking about the upcoming holiday. and mostly, to store up some extra money to finish paying off my car.
i admit i don't understand. i don't know why some of us seem to struggle & struggle & struggle, even tho we're trying so hard to do everything right. there are times, when i feel like the closer i try to get to God, the farther he backs up. i tried to do the right thing by dropping my shift to help with my father in law & husbands grandmother. but now he's passed and she's in the nursing home and i'm stuck thinking about how dissapointed i am with the lack of hours and more importantly, pay. its in those moments, its harder to be grateful that i have a job, and easier to bask in the unfairness of the circumstance.
i'm trying so hard to get out from under this car payment. and yet one thing after another has gone wrong with the car, adding to the overall final cost that just seems to keep adding up, rather than going down. all that overtime i put in last week will do little more than pay the repair bill now, instead of paying it off.
my days seem largely, monotonous. one after the other. and i feel like the mother bird with a nest full of babies, all with their mouths open, needing to be fed.
we are blessed to have enough. no, we're not starving, tho i can't always afford groceries. we can still afford gas in our car. we still have a roof over our head. but some days, i'm ashamed to admit that i am so ungrateful. because some days i want just a little more than that enough, instead of bitter dissapointments.
the 4th was incredibly hard for me. i missed my family horribly & tho their intentions to include me with their calls were heartfelt, it felt like a knife in my chest every time i answered the phone. its not their problem i chose to live 1200 miles away. but the fact is, i do. and the fact is, that i'm angry we seem to only manage to barely scrape by and i'm angry that i didn't have the money to go back home to visit this year.
i cook and clean and take care of things & people at home. then i go to work and cook and clean and take care of things and people in another home. and i go to church on sundays & go down in my little basement and entertain a room full of children so i can take care of things and people there too. so their parents can sit and enjoy the sermon in peace. and slowly, this becomes my life. and slowly, i am deeply, deeply depressed.
i'm tired of mothering. i'm tired of aswering questions and solving problems and taking the intitiative. of being the one with the backup plan. the one they can count on.
and today i'm very, very sad.
http://www.chattingatthesky.com/2011/07/05/how-to-take-a-vacation/
"you can breathe in the deep mountain air along with all your worries...."
amen.
they did a special service sunday, in celebration of the 4th of july. so things were done differently. and there was never a *good* time to dismiss the kids for childrens church without disrupting the entire congregation, so i didn't. i thought, maybe, like with so many other things, they just "forgot" to include me on the "plan". i leaned over during the special singing & whispered to jason, wondering if i was supposed to stay or go. he shrugged his shoulders, just as confused as i was.
fast forward 2 hours later & I was returning a call from the pastors wife, wondering if there was "something wrong....why hadn't i taken the kids over...we had several kids show up that day and then there was little rose that started crying in the middle of the service, interrupting the sermon..."
unfortunately, after a long & strenuous week, it was the icing on a very large cake, for me, and i hate to admit it, but i dissolved in a heap of tears, the moment i hung up the phone.
i've been struggling with so many of the *little things* in the *low places* over the past many weeks.
i know we go thru these valleys...these low places, for a reason. that there is a lesson in the quiet moments. the moments that seems to stand still and stagnant. but sometimes, it seems we're stuck there for awhile & i can't help but feel like my faith must not be strong enough or theres' a lesson i'm missing along the way.
on the way home, my power steering pump had gone out. yet another costly need in the ever growing mental list i keep. i'd worked overtime all week, in part to keep me busy & not thinking about the upcoming holiday. and mostly, to store up some extra money to finish paying off my car.
i admit i don't understand. i don't know why some of us seem to struggle & struggle & struggle, even tho we're trying so hard to do everything right. there are times, when i feel like the closer i try to get to God, the farther he backs up. i tried to do the right thing by dropping my shift to help with my father in law & husbands grandmother. but now he's passed and she's in the nursing home and i'm stuck thinking about how dissapointed i am with the lack of hours and more importantly, pay. its in those moments, its harder to be grateful that i have a job, and easier to bask in the unfairness of the circumstance.
i'm trying so hard to get out from under this car payment. and yet one thing after another has gone wrong with the car, adding to the overall final cost that just seems to keep adding up, rather than going down. all that overtime i put in last week will do little more than pay the repair bill now, instead of paying it off.
my days seem largely, monotonous. one after the other. and i feel like the mother bird with a nest full of babies, all with their mouths open, needing to be fed.
we are blessed to have enough. no, we're not starving, tho i can't always afford groceries. we can still afford gas in our car. we still have a roof over our head. but some days, i'm ashamed to admit that i am so ungrateful. because some days i want just a little more than that enough, instead of bitter dissapointments.
the 4th was incredibly hard for me. i missed my family horribly & tho their intentions to include me with their calls were heartfelt, it felt like a knife in my chest every time i answered the phone. its not their problem i chose to live 1200 miles away. but the fact is, i do. and the fact is, that i'm angry we seem to only manage to barely scrape by and i'm angry that i didn't have the money to go back home to visit this year.
i cook and clean and take care of things & people at home. then i go to work and cook and clean and take care of things and people in another home. and i go to church on sundays & go down in my little basement and entertain a room full of children so i can take care of things and people there too. so their parents can sit and enjoy the sermon in peace. and slowly, this becomes my life. and slowly, i am deeply, deeply depressed.
i'm tired of mothering. i'm tired of aswering questions and solving problems and taking the intitiative. of being the one with the backup plan. the one they can count on.
and today i'm very, very sad.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
bella and jason have finally gone on to sleep. so its just me with my tears and head full of thoughts tonite, with a tiny kitten wrapped in a towel at my side. we don't know if it was the door or jason stepping out in a dark kitchen that caught her but i'm fairly certain her little back is broken. i know if i take her to the vet, they'll put her down. and maybe to some, that would seem more humane. but we prayed over her that God would take away her pain and if she's meant to be with us, He'll heal her; if she's hurting, He'll take her home.
two short weeks ago, i was going about my mundane household chores, numbly loading a wash of clothes before work, abentmindedly praying. and thinking to myself, i needed something to snap me out of this depression i'd found myself in. at the very moment i thought it, i rebuked it, knowing good and well that only bad can come from that train of thought. and tho i know this isn't neccesarily that *something*, i can't help but find the irony in it.
sometimes i think i...we...get lost. lost in the day to day. the routines. the *normalness* that is our lives. with the stress...the living paycheck to paycheck...the bills...dissapointments. we lose ourselves. and eachother along the way.
jason and i used to talk for hours. about everything. about nothing at all. after 11 years of marriage, with a child and opposing schedules those talks are few and far between. lately, i've been battling migraines again and i've felt old and fat and in many ways useless. lost. i think to myself...is this how families drift apart? without even realizing it...
as i finished my last batch of the 72 cupcakes i was making for childrens church last nite, i paused for a minute to let myself catch up. i'd been awake since thursday nite by this time because i'd been called into work for an emergency 12 hour 3rd shift friday. bella was having a friend stay over and yesterday was just a busy day all the way around. too much going on. too much to do. and it was catching up with me. i surveyed my hectic household from my vantage point in my tiny kitchen and just felt overwhelmed. the house was a wreck....after they'd begged and begged us to put the tent up for a camp out, they were still in the house playing. there were kittens underfoot & i'd never felt so closed in. i'd lost control and in exasperation, i thought to myself...Lord...if only our children knew how much we do for them. how much we sacrifice.
then i thought, wow. I bet God feels that way alot.
i talk a good game. i go thru the motions....i pray. i read my devotions...sometimes. we go to church every sunday and i'm the leader of our childrens church ministry. but on a deeper level, there are times, often, when i feel very disconnected from God. and because of that, myself. my husband. my daughter.
today has been bittersweet. i struggled to keep it together & keep a class full of active kids attention for the hour that i had them. ages ranged from 2-12 and i'd planned a quick lesson with crafts for dads. as usual, lately, i felt completely exhausted by the time church let out. dissapointed in myself. i always feel like i could and should be so much more for them. but my heart just hasn't been in it. as much as i love these precious kids... instead of loving this opportunity, its felt more like a burden.
in so many ways, our tiny church is growing and changing, and with that, there are bound to be bumps in the road. when our pastors wife came to me, asking if I'd take this roll, i was honored and excited about the possibilities. but weeks later, i feel very much left out of the loop. i'm dissapointed that I'M not getting *fed*. and what i thought was to be a small group with younger kids has manifested into a 10 year age range. rather than someone volunteering for nursery duty, i've got them all. and not only am i struggling with the creativity it takes to manage that but the energy as well. know i could speak up but thats a hard thing on my pride. i don't want to have a helper. i don't want to admit defeat. and again, i don't want to disspoint. they've said they'll get me a key....they'll move the copier over to my room, but have yet to do it. so i'm stuck with bringing everything with me as i'm not able to fully prepare beforehand. and going to kinkos to make copies every saturday, cuz my printers out of ink and thats cheaper than buying a new cartridge.
i don't think i've ever FELT like i was in my 30's until these last few months. i have all these aches and pains, deep in my joints. there are many, many nights that i'm in so much pain i cry myself to sleep or take a walmart sleeping pill just to get away from the pain. it takes me back instantly to my junior year in high school. every joint hurt and not only was it painful physically but emotionally as well, feeling that i wasn't being taken seriously. even when mom doubted me, she was there for me. trouble is, i don't get that priviledge now. I'M the mom and i have to work and i can't just lay down. and insurance or not, going to the doctor just terrifies me. i don't want to think there's something seriously wrong with me. and worse, i don't want to go and have them look at me and just say, no you're fine. youre' just old and fat. welcome to your 30's. you've officially arrived.
suck it up. preferably before your 40's.
i thought alot about ray today. and from jason's quietness, i know he has too. i wish he'd talk about him with me. but maybe its just too fresh. maybe i shouldn't push him. i thought about linda. i wondered if today was hard for her. she lives right next door. i should have walked over to visit with her. but i didn't. i thought about my birth dad today. i wondered if he ever feels regret. i talked with my REAL dad today. i thought about all the stuff i wished i'd have done more with him, growing up. i thought about all the things i wish i could say to him now but it just never seems the right time....i told him i loved him and wanted him to know how much. in typical dad style he said, "you bet". :)
this was my favorite kitten out of the bunch. the tiniest. mischievious. even tho we said from the very beginning that bella could just keep one, secretly this was my favorite. bella nicknamed her precious for the time being and she has been just that. as i watch her faint breathing, i can't help but wish for a miracle...that she'd stretch and yawn and jump up to play. and at the same time, it breaks my heart and i wish God would just hug her up with him.
i find it fitting that bella called her precious. our time here is so fleeting. and time we have together, more precious than all the money in the world. i've tried to be strong for bella and jason tonite, jumping into mom mode, the minute jason cried out for me to come help him. i cleaned her and wrapped her up. i comforted, i prayed, i wiped away tears on both of my sweethearts faces.... and all the while a million thoughts rushing thru my mind. its MY fault. if' i'd have just not put it off, i would've got the mama, Zoe fixed so we'd neverd have had kittens to begin with. i should've kept them in the bathroom instead of letting them have free range in the kitchen where they're underfoot. it could have just as easily happened to me last nite while i was making cupcakes. jason shoud've turned the light on. he should quit smoking anyway. i should've found them all homes by now. why did it have to be HER. and even as i tell jason he can't, i think of all the woulda-coulda-shouldas.
i can't bare to go to bed. i don't want her to be alone.
life is so painful sometimes. and i don't understand the meaning or the lesson in this. i think about all the awful horrible moments in my life. the ones that didn't make sense and the ones that did. and as i kiss her tiny little head, i can't help but think that thru it all, God does the same for each of us. even in those moments we feel so alone. He kisses our heads and tells us He loves us. that we're so very precious. that tho this is hard, he's right here with us & He's not going anywhere tonite.
two short weeks ago, i was going about my mundane household chores, numbly loading a wash of clothes before work, abentmindedly praying. and thinking to myself, i needed something to snap me out of this depression i'd found myself in. at the very moment i thought it, i rebuked it, knowing good and well that only bad can come from that train of thought. and tho i know this isn't neccesarily that *something*, i can't help but find the irony in it.
sometimes i think i...we...get lost. lost in the day to day. the routines. the *normalness* that is our lives. with the stress...the living paycheck to paycheck...the bills...dissapointments. we lose ourselves. and eachother along the way.
jason and i used to talk for hours. about everything. about nothing at all. after 11 years of marriage, with a child and opposing schedules those talks are few and far between. lately, i've been battling migraines again and i've felt old and fat and in many ways useless. lost. i think to myself...is this how families drift apart? without even realizing it...
as i finished my last batch of the 72 cupcakes i was making for childrens church last nite, i paused for a minute to let myself catch up. i'd been awake since thursday nite by this time because i'd been called into work for an emergency 12 hour 3rd shift friday. bella was having a friend stay over and yesterday was just a busy day all the way around. too much going on. too much to do. and it was catching up with me. i surveyed my hectic household from my vantage point in my tiny kitchen and just felt overwhelmed. the house was a wreck....after they'd begged and begged us to put the tent up for a camp out, they were still in the house playing. there were kittens underfoot & i'd never felt so closed in. i'd lost control and in exasperation, i thought to myself...Lord...if only our children knew how much we do for them. how much we sacrifice.
then i thought, wow. I bet God feels that way alot.
i talk a good game. i go thru the motions....i pray. i read my devotions...sometimes. we go to church every sunday and i'm the leader of our childrens church ministry. but on a deeper level, there are times, often, when i feel very disconnected from God. and because of that, myself. my husband. my daughter.
today has been bittersweet. i struggled to keep it together & keep a class full of active kids attention for the hour that i had them. ages ranged from 2-12 and i'd planned a quick lesson with crafts for dads. as usual, lately, i felt completely exhausted by the time church let out. dissapointed in myself. i always feel like i could and should be so much more for them. but my heart just hasn't been in it. as much as i love these precious kids... instead of loving this opportunity, its felt more like a burden.
in so many ways, our tiny church is growing and changing, and with that, there are bound to be bumps in the road. when our pastors wife came to me, asking if I'd take this roll, i was honored and excited about the possibilities. but weeks later, i feel very much left out of the loop. i'm dissapointed that I'M not getting *fed*. and what i thought was to be a small group with younger kids has manifested into a 10 year age range. rather than someone volunteering for nursery duty, i've got them all. and not only am i struggling with the creativity it takes to manage that but the energy as well. know i could speak up but thats a hard thing on my pride. i don't want to have a helper. i don't want to admit defeat. and again, i don't want to disspoint. they've said they'll get me a key....they'll move the copier over to my room, but have yet to do it. so i'm stuck with bringing everything with me as i'm not able to fully prepare beforehand. and going to kinkos to make copies every saturday, cuz my printers out of ink and thats cheaper than buying a new cartridge.
i don't think i've ever FELT like i was in my 30's until these last few months. i have all these aches and pains, deep in my joints. there are many, many nights that i'm in so much pain i cry myself to sleep or take a walmart sleeping pill just to get away from the pain. it takes me back instantly to my junior year in high school. every joint hurt and not only was it painful physically but emotionally as well, feeling that i wasn't being taken seriously. even when mom doubted me, she was there for me. trouble is, i don't get that priviledge now. I'M the mom and i have to work and i can't just lay down. and insurance or not, going to the doctor just terrifies me. i don't want to think there's something seriously wrong with me. and worse, i don't want to go and have them look at me and just say, no you're fine. youre' just old and fat. welcome to your 30's. you've officially arrived.
suck it up. preferably before your 40's.
i thought alot about ray today. and from jason's quietness, i know he has too. i wish he'd talk about him with me. but maybe its just too fresh. maybe i shouldn't push him. i thought about linda. i wondered if today was hard for her. she lives right next door. i should have walked over to visit with her. but i didn't. i thought about my birth dad today. i wondered if he ever feels regret. i talked with my REAL dad today. i thought about all the stuff i wished i'd have done more with him, growing up. i thought about all the things i wish i could say to him now but it just never seems the right time....i told him i loved him and wanted him to know how much. in typical dad style he said, "you bet". :)
this was my favorite kitten out of the bunch. the tiniest. mischievious. even tho we said from the very beginning that bella could just keep one, secretly this was my favorite. bella nicknamed her precious for the time being and she has been just that. as i watch her faint breathing, i can't help but wish for a miracle...that she'd stretch and yawn and jump up to play. and at the same time, it breaks my heart and i wish God would just hug her up with him.
i find it fitting that bella called her precious. our time here is so fleeting. and time we have together, more precious than all the money in the world. i've tried to be strong for bella and jason tonite, jumping into mom mode, the minute jason cried out for me to come help him. i cleaned her and wrapped her up. i comforted, i prayed, i wiped away tears on both of my sweethearts faces.... and all the while a million thoughts rushing thru my mind. its MY fault. if' i'd have just not put it off, i would've got the mama, Zoe fixed so we'd neverd have had kittens to begin with. i should've kept them in the bathroom instead of letting them have free range in the kitchen where they're underfoot. it could have just as easily happened to me last nite while i was making cupcakes. jason shoud've turned the light on. he should quit smoking anyway. i should've found them all homes by now. why did it have to be HER. and even as i tell jason he can't, i think of all the woulda-coulda-shouldas.
i can't bare to go to bed. i don't want her to be alone.
life is so painful sometimes. and i don't understand the meaning or the lesson in this. i think about all the awful horrible moments in my life. the ones that didn't make sense and the ones that did. and as i kiss her tiny little head, i can't help but think that thru it all, God does the same for each of us. even in those moments we feel so alone. He kisses our heads and tells us He loves us. that we're so very precious. that tho this is hard, he's right here with us & He's not going anywhere tonite.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
spring
you could ask where in the world, the last 4 months have gone. and i'd be apt to tell you the truth: that i barely trudged thru the winter with my sanity (and lungs) in tow. ugh. not very pretty.
but rather than focus on the negative, i'm choosing to move forward. in a few short weeks, we'll celebrate easter. and after a long hard winter, i couldn't be more excited. spring has officially moved in & set up housekeeping. or rather she's been ordering ME around. clean this, mow that, plant some seeds, and for the love of everything holy, put the AC's in. its HOT in this sardine mansion.
this morning i've gone back & forth between *bitter self pity* & *cowgirl up* mode. to catch you up to date, i finally got the holy grail of shifts back: day shift.and yet a mere 2 weeks later found me frantically trying to get rid of it so i could help my MIL out with a snap decision to bring HER mother & my FIL home from the nursing home. I went down to a 2nd shift & lost all kinds of money & perks. i OFFERED to do this tho. and I'd like to believe I made my choice out of love; that my heart was in the right place, but that would be playing a little out of left field. i STRUGGLED with my choice. BITTERLY.
then 2 weeks later, as suddenly as it had started, it ended, with my MIL's decision to let go of the reigns & put mamaw back in a full time care facility & let Ray stay, after surgery to amputate his other leg. oi vey. while i could & should be celebrating my MIL's realization that she is just as deserving of a break, and my FIL making it thru such a major surgery so well, instead, all at once, i feel like i've been the parachute tethered to a tree & suddenly cut loose to free fall.
and i'm dissapointed to admit i've become one of those people that cries out from under the heap of chaos that surrounds her life, only to desperately drag it back in when she finds herself, at once, alone.
i feel like i'm trying to re-find my purpose. i feel naked & vulnerable & not a little worthless, when my plate isn't full and i don't have others to care for. and yet, isn't there something to be said for *being still* at times in our lives? that there is a big DIFFERENCE between that *being still* & *doing nothing.*
i know i could find joy in this strange new change. if i only looked. or maybe listened. but i'm struggling with that a little. so if you happen to think of it for just a minute today, send an extra prayer my way? <3
but rather than focus on the negative, i'm choosing to move forward. in a few short weeks, we'll celebrate easter. and after a long hard winter, i couldn't be more excited. spring has officially moved in & set up housekeeping. or rather she's been ordering ME around. clean this, mow that, plant some seeds, and for the love of everything holy, put the AC's in. its HOT in this sardine mansion.
this morning i've gone back & forth between *bitter self pity* & *cowgirl up* mode. to catch you up to date, i finally got the holy grail of shifts back: day shift.
then 2 weeks later, as suddenly as it had started, it ended, with my MIL's decision to let go of the reigns & put mamaw back in a full time care facility & let Ray stay, after surgery to amputate his other leg. oi vey. while i could & should be celebrating my MIL's realization that she is just as deserving of a break, and my FIL making it thru such a major surgery so well, instead, all at once, i feel like i've been the parachute tethered to a tree & suddenly cut loose to free fall.
and i'm dissapointed to admit i've become one of those people that cries out from under the heap of chaos that surrounds her life, only to desperately drag it back in when she finds herself, at once, alone.
i feel like i'm trying to re-find my purpose. i feel naked & vulnerable & not a little worthless, when my plate isn't full and i don't have others to care for. and yet, isn't there something to be said for *being still* at times in our lives? that there is a big DIFFERENCE between that *being still* & *doing nothing.*
i know i could find joy in this strange new change. if i only looked. or maybe listened. but i'm struggling with that a little. so if you happen to think of it for just a minute today, send an extra prayer my way? <3
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