I thought it was illegal to have more than 1 kids party per week

I have 3. Count em. 3.

two of which i was just informed of this morning. One of which is tonite.

Also, while i'm at it? Am i the only one that remembers scholastic book orders from back in the day, where books were like $1. i just had an argument with the resident 9 year old in the house about an Eight Dollar Book. Am i really this old now? or am i just this dillusional.

I have clocked in just under 36 overtime hours so far this week. My phone AND car have been in the shop. Managed to make the "breakfast of champions" and assembly at bella's school this morning, pick up my paycheck and go 3 diff places to pay bills. I registered bella for AM educare, did 2 loads of laundry and now plan on a 2 hour nap, before shopping for 3 separate kids parties, ages 6, 3 and 2. 'Need to get my nephews' while i'm at it. And if i have one more mom tell me "oh just whatever" as a gift idea, i may just go off the deep end. Also, remind me i need to dig out the easter basket for an egg hunt on sunday.

If you see someone's sanity whistling down the road, flag it down, would ya? I miss that sucker.

when keepin' on makes sense

i read the greatest blog entry tonite. and especially loved these words by beth moore :

"God allows wounding in your life so that He can bring healing."

i found myself in the unique position of relaying a portion of my testimony last night, to someone that is hurting right now in their own life. and thru our parallel stories, as i relived the events of my past and heard my own words, i felt such an encompassing peace. and i thanked God for His perfect timing and strange, mysterious ways.

thursday rolled around this week, heavy on the busy side. i fielded work calls, cleaned house and voraciously steamed carpets.

i'd received a text message from candace that morning, asking if we were coming.

i'd been avoiding this confirmation, putting it off as long as i could, burying myself down deep in physical work. i paced the house, praying and thinking, scrubbing at imaginary spots on my floors. i texted jason and said i didn't know if i could do this. i didn't think i was strong enough. he asked if i wanted him to cover for me and say something like i was called into work....maybe another time would be better... or we didn't have to do this at all.....we could close this door....

i said no, whether we went or not, i had to be straight with her and come from a place of total honesty.

and so i did. i wrote that there was a very real part of me that wanted, no, needed to come. but there was the other side of me, still hurting and wounded, 3 years later, that was fearful. because i'd lost so much and hurt so badly. where had she been all this time. where were they when i begged and pleaded to get thru this together. seek counseling. and what were we hoping to gain from this meeting. because i couldn't go down this road again, without some sense of clarity.

my big brave indiana jones step of faith on to thin air, just wasn't gonna be enough this time.

i didn't hear back from her for quite awhile. my mind set about sarcastically imagining her reaction and bracing myself for a comeback.

i took a moment to read my devotion:

March 18 - Your Resolutions

Listen, I am your Lord. Before me there is none other. Just trust Me in everything. Help is here all the time.

The difficult way is nearly over, but you have learnt in it lessons you could learn in no other way. "The kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force." Wrest from Me, by firm and simple trust and persistent prayer, the treasures of My Kingdom.

Such wonderful things are coming to you, Joy - Peace - Assurance - Security - Health - Happiness - Laughter again.

Claim big, really big, things now. Remember, nothing is too big. Satisfy the longings of My Heart to give to you. Blessing, abundant blessing on you both now and always. Peace.

"Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show you great and
mighty things, which you knowest not." - Jeremiah 33:3

she texted back, asking if i'd be willing to talk to her on the phone.

and nearly an hour later, as we said our goodbye's, it was with a quiet, calm spirit.

we met with them that night. amidst the playful chatter and chaos of 5 little ones underfoot, we sat around their table, the 4 of us, and talked, late into the evening.

i have always felt, and believe still, that often our greatest testimony comes not from the closing of doors, but the choosing to walk thru them, and the journey therein. not for the faint of heart; at times, painstakingly slow. baby steps. maybe even a crawl.

but do i believe it worth it, every step? without a shadow of a doubt, yes.

what happened to me 3 years ago, shattered my existence as i knew it. and i've struggled daily, to regain my peace and hope and joy.

but i believe with all my heart, that God intended all of this for His good. this time 3 years ago, there were 4 people on an out-of-control roller coaster, in desperate need of some brakes. so God had to throw us from the tracks.

and we all landed hard.

but i'll tell you something. i can honestly say i don't know where i'd be today, had God not thrown us from the track and this not happened. i don't believe my marriage would have sustained, had this not happened. i don't believe the 4 of us could have sat together, thursday night and shared all of this, our story, our testimony, had this not happened. its so easy to walk away in this world, when you're wronged, in the name of closure. the hard part, is facing yourself and all the ugliness and hidden demons attached. and getting through it, to the other side.

so this is a step. and a work in progress. but i thank God so much for His perfect love and redemption and grace.

good things to come.

d to the rama

oi. don't you hate it when you inadvertently get caught up in some outside drama. i'm good for that. turns out i'm a veritable magnet for chaos around these parts, tho it might come as a shock to discover i'm usually the one holding the door wide open, arms outstretched to welcome 'em in.

but every now and then, i get the feeling that its coming from a place a little beyond my control.

there is a person in my life right now that, at times, just exhausts me. and because this relationship is also directly tied to my job, has gradually become a great source of stress in the shape of a friendship. for some reason, i've become a mother figure in their life. and while i'm happy i can be a sort of comfort for them, its also very draining, on me. there have been many times when i've had to put my life on hold, drop what i'm doing and be there for them. and i've not always managed to be grace under fire, if you know what i mean. i get frustrated and grouchy sometimes. when its my day off. when i'm trying to put bella to bed or spend time with jason, and i'm called away by something i deem insignificant or ridiculous. or i'll really put forth an effort ~ my whole heart into my words and actions, only to feel like it went in one ear and out the other.

i've spent 4 hours of my evening tonight, tied up in this ever unfolding drama, tho i managed to cook a meal, get bella thru her homework and tucked in for the night and snatch a kiss from jason. still, at the end of the day, i don't know that i was able to help the situation at all.

i've prayed for this person. and despite more aggravation than you could possibly know, i genuinely feel for this person. they've had such a hard life, and tho i don't begin to know the fullness of their story, my heart aches for their hurt. and so, despite the circumstances, time and time again, i find myself coming to their rescue in a sense, championing for them. i don't know why. i just feel its the right thing to do.

i'm no saint, by any means. truth be told, its been far easier for me to openly show them my exasperation rather than my patience. and i am guilty, in that at times, it has been easier to make a joke at their expense, than to try to understand where they were coming from. i'm ashamed to admit that. and i'm ashamed to admit i've even done so in front of my husband and daughter , only to later have to humble myself before them and admit my fault. what a great example, huh? but its been true. me, in the judgement seat, where none of us has the right to be.

you know, i've prayed for a close friend, for a really long time. and i feel that God has made me wait because i needed to figure out how to come to Him first. i've wanted some live in-the-flesh person ... someone.... to hear me. to love my heart. to hold me accountable. yet i find myself in this strange position where i've become this exact thing for someone else. and i realize how strange Gods' ways are. and how far i fall short.

i know that you can't let yourself become overrun with the needs and wants of everyone around you. but so often i find myself instinctually drawn to just such people. people that are hurt and broken and need so much..... love, forgiveness, acceptance, kindness. a chance. to be heard, respected, validated, wanted.

tonite, as i pointed to scripture for this person, and prayed that God wrap His arms around them and give them strength and the right words to get them thru this new ordeal, i surprised myself at how easy it had been to do just that. and i found myself talking to them about things that i, myself need to put into practice.

a need to calm their spirit. to listen to Gods voice. a need for balance.

i jumped whole-heartedly into this losing weight thing, but i'm struggling really, really hard right now. and for alot of reasons. i'm not sure that taking this new night shift at work has been the smartest thing i've ever done. i'm in a difficult position with jasons hours and majorly limited child care. so this shift covers those bases, plus more hours than i was getting, which lends almost an extra hundred dollars to each paycheck, which we so desperately needed. i also have tenure, vacation time built up and recently, a new raise with this job, which binds me, in a way.

but it also leaves me physically and spiritually drained during the week, trying desperately to catch up and keep a *normal* schedule for my family. its become difficult for me to sleep more than 2-3 hours at a time. so my insides and my outsides are in a tail-spin. maybe my subconscious realized that a calorie counter and exercise were at least 2 things i could feasibly control. i dunno. but i'm tired the majority of the time anymore and i'm resentful that this change hasn't afforded me any more family time than i was already getting, nor have i been able to make it to church any more than i was before. after 12 hour shifts, i come home exhausted. i try to sleep.... i'm hungry at all the wrong times.

blech.

so that balance thing comes into play again.

and then, after all these months and years, kermit and candace invited us over to have dinner with them this week. tomorrow, actually. and this has been heavy on my heart. do i swallow my own hurt and show them grace and Gods love, in the midst of this tragedy, now 3 years old. or is it ok for me to voice my very real, very honest hurt and close that door.

at best, maybe we would have a *nice* evening, tolerable. filled with busy *filler* talk, avoiding, in the midst of 5 little ones running around. or maybe he would explain why, after all these years. why he raped me. why he betrayed a marriage and a lifelong friendship. maybe, with tears in his eyes, he would beg my forgiveness.

at worst, maybe he would say nothing at all.

but after all this time, i just don't think i can sit in the same room with him and look him in the face. it keeps me up tonite. it haunts me.

it devastates me. body and soul.

and yet i feel drawn. and i feel it unfair. unfair of God to ask me to love. to forgive. to face him.

God, my heart cries tonite. i don't know what you're asking of me. i only know that it hurts. even now. after all this time. please wrap Your arms around me tonite and give me peace and an understanding. help me find this balance. let the background fade away.

and just hold me.

shake those shamrocks

you know that verse: "mourning will last for the night, but joy comes in the morning".....

i'm so glad thats true. so the scale (or wii balance board as the case may be) was not my friend yesterday. but succeeding in feeling sorry for myself isn't nearly as much fun as one might imagine. so moving on, i've decided i'm still happy that i'm working at it and my abs and thighs, hidden somewhere, are feeling the ache of that joy too. so i think feeling good still has some merit on this journey.

so happy st. patty's everyone! aside from christmas, my birthday, and the first day of fall, this is one of my most favorite days of the year. 'can't explain it really. just IS. we've got loads of scotch and irish pumping thru our veins around here and growing up, it was always a celebrated holiday. oh i know its mostly silly and fun. but i like excuses to be silly and fun. and i love how my mom always knows me so well. a few days ago, we received one of her famous care packages in the mail and i don't know who was more excited ~ me or bella. inside, was chock-full of green goodness. m&m's, nail polish, leprechaun hats....you name it. photos to come....

for lunch, i treated myself to reuben sandwich at arby's, since my crazy husband and daughter don't know whats good. ha! and for supper, its breakfast ~ green eggs and ham.

and if thats not all, this lovely little trinket arrived just today. its my anniversary present from jason. a little early, but i couldn't resist and had to try it on. its beautiful.



so enjoy your day out there, kiddos. hugs!

Bummed

So i've been keeping my calorie counter for 3 weeks now. And i've done really well. I've lowered my intake. And have gone over my limit just 3 x's in 21 days, which i'm really proud of. i've made healthier choices. I've been drinking more water.

I haven't managed to exercise every day yet, with work and some weather, but i'm averaging 3 days out of my week; on occasion, 4. I know the long term goal is the ultimate goal....to become healthier, slowly, steadily, so i maintain my loss.

but some good numbers on the scale would be awesome. I won't lie.

i FEEL like i've lost a good 5 lbs. And weighing myself at work on sunday, the scale showed an 8 lb difference.Which really helped to boost my confidence. I think i came home strutting, actually.

So this morning, i walked a brisk 3 miles and logged in a workout on the wii. 'Went to weigh myself and the balance board shows zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Negator.

Which. Totally. Sucks.

on grace sufficient and being shattered before God

right now, i'm feeling kind of shattered. and i'm having a hard time sleeping.

i'm wading thru some tough stuff in my life.... maybe the two are conjoined in some way? ha. i know one thing. i picked a heck of a time to embark on this losing weight business. my internal clock has been all upside-down-sideways with me working 3rd shifts now. and sometimes i think i've done gone and bit off more than i can chew. literally. but i know this. i don't want to lose out on this amazing opportunity to dig deeper and live stronger. the looking back is always hard. but if that moves you forward, in good ol' martha's words, "its a good thing".

i happened on this website tonite and had to share it because her words really resonated with me and provided such clarity. she talks about some really tough subject matter on her blog and in this particular entry, comments on Gods' grace and knowing without a shadow of a doubt that God and the Bible are real.

an excerpt:

McDowell taught us that the Bible is quite unique in its continuity. He explained that the Bible was:

• written over a 1,500-year span
• written over forty generations
• written by more than forty authors from every walk of life
(kings, peasants, philosophers, fishermen, poets, statesman, scholars)
• written in different places
(wilderness, dungeon, hillside, palace, prison, island, while traveling)
• written in different times
(war, peace)
• written during different moods
(joy, pain, sorrow, despair)
• written on three continents
(Asia, Africa, Europe)
• written in three languages
(Hebrew, Aramaic, Greek)
• written to address various subject matters, including controversial topics

and Despite all of these differences, the Bible’s authors spoke in harmony and with continuity from Genesis to Revelation that there is one unfolding story – God’s redemption

thats amazing to wrap your mind around, isn't it. and it brings me such comfort.

i started this blog in 2008, as what i intended at the time to be a private journal. my heart and mind were reeling in the aftermath of my rape and i needed so desperately, a save haven where i could vent, and beat my hands on the walls and scream and cry and pray and most importantly, heal. i was so very broken when i created this page. and in the years and blogs since, this tiny dot on the internets' map has become MY redemption of sorts.

i'm a firm believer that we all have our stories to tell; that each deserves to be heard. NEEDS to be heard. and that some of the GREATEST reads are discovered within the tattered and torn pages of our hearts. some are found in pictures. others in words.

my *book* as it were, is a work in progress, filled with some really big chapters that are not always an easy read; i know, especially not for close family or friends that read my page from time to time. because i talk about it all. from my negative self-image to hurts in my past, to inadequacies in parenthood, to dealing with some monumental issues in my life, from my rape, abuse, sex addiction of my partner, marriage and divorce. miscarriages. bankruptcy. weight-loss, heartache, betrayal. but through it all, Gods' unfathomable grace. and here's why i share it all. there's this great quote i read just recently: “I’m convinced that it’s when we live out real authentic lives that include our failures as well as our victories that we can be of the greatest use for the Lord in other’s lives."

so this is me. as i run and stumble and fall flat on my face. i'm a wife/ mom/ sister /daughter /friend. and at the heart of ALL that is just a girl. journeying to live a life of substance and purpose. who's growing and learning and changing. with alot of love and tears and laughter along the way.

i'm 34 years old. this may, married to jason for 10 years. mom to bella. i'm a soon-to-be registered CNA and work for a government agency, assisting adults with mental retardation. i LOVE what i do, but secretly always wonder if thats *ok* or if i should still dream about being that midwife/massage therapist/marine biologist. over-achiever, much?

i've never actually sat down and wrote out a *top 100* list. my hair is never in style. my right eye twitches when i'm stressed out. i love bare feet and old photographs and road trips to nowhere. i wish i could play the guitar. i wish i looked great in a bathing suit and i wish i could make yeast rolls like my mom. at times, i can be loud, opinionated, wide open and insufferable. people that love me call me kat.

so i want to take this moment tonite, to thank God. and to thank you for reading me. and for loving me.

asparagus

its monday. which in *kat time* is my friday. which means i'm zoned out after several really long 12 hour 3rd shifts and haven't done much else but chillax. however, i can't just leave you empty-handed. i love you too much for that. so today, i proudly present to you my new inspiration:

asparagus.

a mere 22 calories per cooked half-cup. spray those puppies with calorie free *can't believe its not butter*, sprinkle a wee bit of sea-salt and waaalaaa.
meet my new favorite friend. the end.

off-days

this is me and my calorie book and the many, many scrumptious *no* opportunities today.

march madness

so the green soup isn't bad. really and truly isn't. next time, i do intend to explore the the collards section a little more carefully and mix it up a little. i think there's a whole world out there with greens that i really haven't explored. also, i may or may not use the leeks, tho if i do, i solemnly swear to leave the *leaves* out. haha.

anyway. for this, my first time, and at 121 calories a serving and chock full of rootin-tootin goodness, i label this success. its rustic and filling and packed with flavor. i have a serving once a day, usually in the afternoon as a snack and its growing on me. i look forward to that.

its funny how changing little things really does make a difference. even just in taste. yesterday i had to take one of our M.R. clients to a dr. appointment in knoxville and afterwards she chose mcdonalds to get a bite to eat. i could've, nay should have gone with a salad or fish sandwich but i revolted with both fists in the air and determined that i've been good and therefore should be REWARDED with fries and a mcdouble!! but as i ate my fries, they started to actually taste gross. and by the time i'd finished, i felt like a bloated cow. discovering that just those 2 things on my little splurge had cost me a whopping 770 calories to boot, made me all but melt into a saturated puddle of fat on the floor.

but today is another day. and i'm being careful and using my noggin'. i'm not being a nazi about my intake or my outake....would i love to lose that 40 pounds and then some, yes. i've set goals for myself but i'm not cutting myself off from everything deliciously *bad* in the world either. and some days, exercise and i just don't meet in the middle. this week for instance has been killer ~ i've had 1 day off in 9. and 12 hour shifts begin to wear on you. so i've been tired and stressed and haven't got my miles in, walking or hittin' the wii, but i'm shaking that off. because every day is a good day that i'm getting healthier.

jason and bella have been super awesome too. i decided when i embarked on this little journey that my biggest goal of all, whether i ever reach my *perfect weight* is just to ultimately strive to live healthier and happier. there are some things i want to be able to do and experience, that i can't right now, to the fullest of my ability. and i want to change that. i want to narrow my chances of heart disease and diabetes. i want to feel healthier. be more active. have more energy. and i want to take my family along with me for that ride, in a good way.

i think kids have enough stress just growing up, without all the extra bells and whistles and labels that are thrown at them these days. and i feel like i have a huge hit or miss opportunity right now, to make health fun for bella. so i want to include her; empower her with good and smart choices and a positive body image as i struggle to kinda get there myself. my hope is that she grows up avoiding some of my pitfalls, and that she grows up in that quiet confidence that is bold and beautiful and brave as she enters her own womanhood.

i love to cook. its that mothering, nurturing thing my sister and i both inherited. like our mom before us and all the other wonderful cooks that go back generations in our family tree. its one of the things i think i do best, and defines me on many levels. cooking makes me happy. i love to pour over recipes and try new concoctions. i love feeding people and i love that my home, and my kitchen, no matter how small, is an oasis for family and friends. so finding ways to *tweak* recipes has actually been really fun for me. butter has its exquisite place, for example. but olive oil has been a really neat new challenge for me too.

one thing i really love is a good old traditional, countrified, stick-to-your-ribs, soul-food kind of meal. one thing my family loves is meatloaf, and not to toot my own horn, but i make a killer meatloaf. usually piled high with mashed potatoes too. oi vey.

so last night, bella helped me create a new meatloaf, packed with garlic, onion, roasted tomatoes, carrots and mushrooms. and it turned out soooo good. i used half the meat i usually would, with all the other veggies thrown in, and instead of the mashed potatoes, we had roasted potatoes with green beans. it was healthy without knowing it. and it was scrumptious.

bella has started counting calories and servings along with me and its so funny to see her looking at labels and deciding on her afternoon snacks now. yesterday she came up with milk, an orange, a cheese wedge, some carrots, and a mini bag of m&m's. she'd arranged it on a plate all "top chef" like and proudly displayed her masterpiece

"275 calories of goodness, mama. booyah."

i got so tickled, because i feel like she gets it. and that maaaaybe i'm doing my job right. by showing her that you can cut back without cutting out and just being creative. which was my intention when i bought that bag of mini m&m packs, tho i never told her. i love chocolate. she does too. if i have a mini pack, it makes me feel like i got my fix, and its one-third the calories of a regular bag. so i can have something else with it which makes my subconscious feel like like a big happy fat buddha. and we all need to to feed those lil' suckers inside us...

so maybe i'll only lose 2 or 4 of those desired 10 pounds this month. but i'm doin' good. :)

green soup

yesterday i got all of 1 hour of sleep. literally. today i was aiming for 5, but my brother in law showed up just in time to foil my plans. i woke up to the resident chihuahua's frantic barking and the b-i-l asking if i had anything to make a salad with.

ahh to be a young bachelor.... nevertheless, i never turn down the healthy pleadings of the youngsters in the world, so i dug out my salad fixin's and sent him on his way.

so as sleep appeared to be the elusive snipe, i decided to go grocery shopping instead. listen, i've been trying really hard to be intentional and purposeful with my health lately. i've gone off satans sweet , sweet nectar soda. i've started keeping a food journal...i looked up what my calorie intake needs to be and tho its like pulling teeth, i am keeping track of my calories. scouts honor, fingers crossed. no really, i've been good. except when my dad stopped to visit last weekend. anywhoos, i have this really awesome, allbeit far-fetched and semi-unattainable goal of losing 40 pounds in 4 1/2 months. in time for the family reunion. 10 pounds a month, right? it could happen. i could grow a tail too. its possible.

anyway.

my point is, i'm trying. and each day i do try is a good day. so i looked up this recipe for "green soup" the other day. its supposed to be awesome for you. and because you can make that puppy in bulk, i'm all for it, because "preparing" things is not really my forte. but if i can grab something up, now, that's a beautiful thing. supposedly, if you play your cards right, you can make up a batch that will last you 2 weeks and it falls under the *freezes beautifully* section as well.

score.

so they make this stuff look and sound so great. kirstie alley (whom i love)talks it up; says she drinks this every day. susan from the fat free vegan makes it sound scrumptious. and ol dr fuhrman makes it sound like a veritably miracle drug. its supposed to be good for all your vital organs and cleanse you out and, i don't know, probably do your laundry too. the point is, i'm positive we all should be eating this. its 2010, kids. and what if the mayans were right. 2012 is just around the corner....

am i right, i'm right.

so i told myself i could do this. and for this endeavor i'd have to pull out the big guns and walk away from the walmart into strange territory ~ an actual grocery chain. with produce i can't pronounce.

listen, its not that i'm entirely ignorant. i swear i've heard of alot of this stuff but its just not on my weekly grocery list, if you feel me. the truth is, i love fruits and vegetables. the normal ones.

so i looked at several recipes and variations of recipes for this little project and finally decided i'd make mine with the following:

kale or collard greens (whichever i could find first, without looking a)ignorant or b)suspicious
leeks
split peas
broccoli
mushrooms
onion
garlic
carrots
and a sweet potato. just for kicks and giggles. cuz all the cool kids say it makes it taste sweeter.

between you and me, the biggest reason i decided to go with this version is because i already had half of what i needed and therefore wouldn't go broke if this turned out to be several degrees of bad.

i've never actually held a leek before today. in my mind, i'd kind of imagined them to be a cross between a turnip and an eel. i really can't explain why, so its better you don't ask. to my surprise, they were somewhat normal looking. like an overgrown onion with a realllllly ridiculously long stalk of leaves out the top. as an aside, i don't recommend ever eating a piece of those leaves raw. bella and jason concur. yet i do recommend always googling how to use new vegetables. and preferably before you've already cut up the leaves and thrown them in the pot, because, really, why waste them....

from this lesson, lets move on to the collard greens.

now, i don't get greens. i get that they're healthy for you. obviously. but thats where it ends for me. they seem to be a staple in many the hardcore southerners diet, but to me they're just gross. a big heap of slimy green mush. and then they pour vinegar on to boot. and serve it with tasteless pinto beans and a big slab of cornbread. mm mmm good.

:shiver:

i love a good salad. spinach, for instance, is my dear good friend. but in its cooked form, its absolutely disgusting. unless you're adding it to dip or a lovely big fat quiche.

so i'm perusing the collards section, trying to make an informed decision on which would taste better in my concoction. i like to blame it on that fact that i got nervous. yah, lets go with that. i grabbed a bunch of what i assumed was kale, only to discover at home that it was actually turnip greens. but hey. its my first time. i'm allowed a silly mistake or 2. and greens are greens, right?

oh lord.

suffice it to say, i have this huge pot of *something* i'm staring at right now. its ummm, green. i'm not entirely sure it would be accurate to call it *tasty* or *something i'll definately make again*. but, here goes nothin....results pending

furniture and repairs

we had 4, nay 5 intentions for our taxes this year, provided the Lord was willing and the creek didn't rise.

1) begin to gently reestablish our (all but 42 cents) drained savings account
2) take our state tests
3) save money back for a trip to nebraska in july
4) save money back for a tentative First Major Family Vacation to DisneyWorld within the year
5) buy a couch

now don't go getting all excited. we don't exactly get back big green wads of cash. we're just prone to over-ambition coupled with what we're sure are really great ideas. to be serious for just a moment tho, if i may, i've been totally thankful to God and proud of us and how we've managed to save and really stay on the same page with finances since jason started back to work. during the lay-off, it was such a scary time for us. so tax season this year was a bright star in the midst of all that bad stuff.

its not that we need a couch. we don't have to have one. our very lives don't depend on it. i even weakly argued to jason that maybe it could be our *bonus* if he gets hired on permanent at the end of his 90 days. but i've been trying to budge my way out of the negative end of things and focus on the positive, and trusting that God is in control no matter what; definately praying jason will be hired on.

so the idea of such a wonderful, possibly new, squishy, comfortable place to relax our ample behinds on, was just too sweet a dream to not bring into fruition.

we've had our Big Lots' special going on 7 years now. and she's been a trooper. i still remember the day we brought her home, our very first couch. we triumphantly carried that beautiful green stick of dynamite in all by ourselves and it was as if i could hear the entire neighborhood cheering us on ~ way to go, byrds!! way to move up in the world. so long yard-sale futon, welcome to the lower middle class.

ahhhh the awesomeness of it all. so soft. so comfy. so tantalizing to a cats claws.

she's seen us thru alot, that one.

who can forget our anniversary a few years ago, when jason answered the cry for help from a drunk coworker who succumbed to her squishy goodness and slept so good that he peed all over it.

or the many, many times she's comforted one of us, sick, enveloping us in her loving cushions, jabbing us, just right there, with her broken springs.

and so it was, with bittersweet memories, that we began to search near and far, for a replacement.

it was love at first seating, really. recliners on both ends. soft, yet sturdy. reliable. family friendly fabric. where could you go wrong. we did everything right. by the book. we saved for it. we prayed over it. and last night,to our absolute joy, we discovered they still had it. i withdrew the exact amount we needed from our precious savings account. then i hyperventilated. then jason reminded me that we had set that aside and prayed about it. then i cried. then i found a used napkin to wipe my nose. then i threw back my shoulders and marched right on in there while jason backed up the trailer and i proudly handed over our precious couch money.

we were so excited.


today, we bid adieu to 7 years of memories as we dropped ol' faithful off at the landfill and we huffed and puffed and ooooomphed that beautiful new-to-us memory maker into our living room. we basked in the wonderfullness of it all. then bella packed an overnight bag, jason left to go fly-fishing and i packed up to come to work.

a few hours ago, my dear husband called to tell me he loved me. he followed this up with a "so which d'you want first. the good news or the bad news."

never fond of such phrases, i muted the phone and beat my head on the table. then i composed myself and said, "as long as it doesn't involve money in any possible way, shape or form, hit me with it. "

there was a pause.

and not just any pause, no. it was what i like to call a "pregnant pause" frought with meaning.

sensing my heart rate had gone from 0 to 60 in a near nano-second, jason plunged ahead. "well the good news is i made it over here. bad news is, looks like i may have a cracked......."

i don't really remember the rest. my mind blurs. i don't understand these *auto issue* things. its all greek to me. i blanked out somewhere between $300-500 to fix.

oi vey. i won't even start with all the shoulda woulda couldas dancing around in my mind tonite. i'm concerned, yes. and rightly so. but ya know what, i'm glad we got the couch, either way. this car thing will require dipping into that precious savings but thank God we have it, ya know? He makes all things good, doesn't He. i don't understand it all and its bound to set us back just a little more that we're comfortable with, but He's in control. and while i leave the hard stuff up to him, fully and completely handing it over, i'm gonna enjoy the heck outta that awesome couch.

snow days

bella was out of school today on yet another snow cancellation. ordinarily, this leaves room for all manner of fun and i'd have been excited at the opportunity for some extra*girl time*. but this morning, i trudged thru our routine soooo tired, and was kinda dissapointed when i learned i couldn't just join the drop-off line and then crawl back into bed. i just couldn't get it together, and every little thing made me cranky.

but by mid afternoon, with the snow fully melted, i'd calmed down and in a burst of new found energy, combined with a cautious hopefulness at the sunshine pouring in the windows, i announced that surely it'd be an awesome idea to go to the park and get some fresh air.

when we got there tho, it was bella's turn to be dissapointed. although quite a few others had had the same idea, unfortunately they hadn't brought the kids. so with noone to play with, she reluctantly joined me on my walk.

and every little thing made her cranky.

the wind had picked up and all that sunshine i'd been so inspired by did little to make it much warmer out there. she was "cold, yet didn't want to wear her toboggin." it wasn't "fair." she had "brought toys for nothing". she "hated walking". she "didn't want to pick up her feet; she was wearing her boots." her "ribs hurt" and her toe. and her right leg. she wanted to stop at the fish pond. "how many times did we have to walk around."

i finally snapped, "can't you just be happy?!" "can't you just walk with your mama and enjoy our time together, instead of whining and complaining?

to my surprise, she burst into tears and as i exhaled loudly in my exasperation, in that one moment, i saw myself. and how soooo often, i allow mysef to become so overwhelmed. and rather than take a deep breath and try....or trust.....or dig out my rusty faith badge, i lean towards the negative. and i put so much pressure on myself, and in turn, the closest ones around me. with ridiculous expectations.

and i needed to be reminded of that. i wonder how many times in exasperation, but yet with endless, unfaltering love, God says to me, "can't you just walk with your father and enjoy our time together,instead of whining and complaining...."

i sighed and put my arms around her and told her i was sorry and i loved her. that i'd thought it would be a good idea to get out of the house for a little while. but she was right ~ it was cold. maybe we'd just do this one lap. but maybe instead of thinking about the negative stuff, we could replace it with something good. maybe instead of focusing on her leg hurting, she could be thankful she had legs to walk. maybe instead of thinking how unfair it was she had to wear a toboggin, she could be thankful she had warm clothes to wear in the winter, when alot of people don't.

from there, we played our *5 things* game. 5 good things about the day. that she was thankful for.

she was thankful for a snow day. and brimley (our big old cat) sleeping on her bed while she watched "willy wonka". and that i had let her have a happy meal and an ice cream cone for lunch. and for her sleepover this weekend with her friend jessica. and that she got to go on a walk with me.

Lord, thank you for your unfailing love. and thank you for forgiveness, when i overlook all the positive...all the blessings...and tend to focus on the out-of-control stuff in my life.

thank you for going on this walk with me.