may your days be merry and bright

and may you have a beautiful christmas, every one of you.

i love you.

hot coffee

last night i laid awake in my own wonderfully miraculous and comfortable bed, thanking God for heat, and thinking how fun it would be to make this years holidays into my own special version of "12 days of christmas"

on the 12th day of christmas, my true love sent to me:

12 roaches roaming
11 loads of laundry
10 inches of snow
9 bills behind
8
7
6 kerosene eggs
5
4 days without power
3
2 christmas parties
1 and a painted lady in mamaw's spare room

alas, my christmas spirit has been put slightly askew. 'needs some work. i realize it may not make it in the top 20.

our power came back on last night. they've had to pull in power companies from as far as nashville to get this area up and and running again. and i, for one, am sooooo grateful for their long hours and hard work.

i took out an advance on our taxes. so i can catch up the car payments and buy groceries and put a few presents under the tree. its not much, but to me, its perfect.

ya know, yesterday, we realized not everyone had been able to seek shelter or had access to a heater in our little neighborhood. its been a ghost town around here, so we were literally shocked when an elderly neighbor ventured outside while jason scraped off the car windows and asked if we knew anything about the power. we visited a minute and jason asked if they'd please come over to stay warm. he politely turned us down, commenting that his wife has alzheimers and it would just be more confusing for her. but he asked if we could please get him and his wife a cup of coffee.

we were going to the store for more kerosene, and stopped at mcdonalds for 2 coffees and some cheeseburgers, first.

when they came to the door, it was with such genuine gratitude. they welcomed me into their home and accepted the food with tears in the mans eyes. "thank you. ohhh thank you so much. you're so kind." his wife, so tiny and frail, wrapped in blankets, smiled, wide-eyed, as she reached for coffee. she took it, ever so gently, and wrapped her cold hands around it, breathing it in deeply. "ohhh smell it. its heaven."

after encouraging them to come be warm with us,and being graciously declined, i said my goodbyes' and walked quietly back up the road, deep in thought.

people do dumb things. and they spew stupidity at times. jason and k have been *texting* randomly over the past few months. for me, this has been particularly difficult, for obvious reasons. for me, this is too little too late. for me, this feels like abandonment all over again. that jason would choose to resume any form of relationship with this person after all this time and everything we, and namely i, went through. after i begged to deal with this and not put it on a shelf. after i pleaded for counseling and reconcilliation for the sake of healing 2 very broken families.

jason picked me up from work at the end of the road sunday night. we talked about the random events of the day when he suddenly said, "you know what hurts my heart? i told k that our power's been out and not once did he even ask me and bella to come over there where its warm".

what do you SAY to that?

this is the guy that was supposed to be your best friend for 20 some odd years. this is the guy that lied to you, stole from you, raped your wife.

and he has the gall to not care about your wellbeing.

wow.

a new friend stopped in to visit last night. he does beautiful paintings, particularly portraits, and as a christmas present for my mother in law, he'd immortalized bella in a chalk drawing. its beautiful and i know she'll be pleased. there was light banter all-around, while i wandered in and out, catching up on loads of laundry and squaring things away.

jason and bella teased eachother relentlessly, and i laughed, saying, "see what i have to put up with....i have 2 kids, not 1". jason jabbed back, "well i have 3, indcluding the dog".

"oh, reallllly?", i said. "well i don't have to do your laundry then, do i?"

he raised an eyebrow and said, "oh realllly. and who does laundry on the weekends?" he nodded to our friend. "mmhmmm. doesn't do a thing all week and then leaves all the work for me for the weekends when she's gone.".

ordinarily, this would have been silly, harmless fun. i have a thick skin, and we poke fun at eachother all the time. its what we do.

but for some reason, after the past many, many months, the hardships, the financial difficulty, him being unemployed and all the overtime i've put in, in effort to compensate for what i've viewed as his lackadaisal attitude....it all came crashing down on me and i caught myself in a sudden, unexpected sob, excusing myself from the room.

i escaped to the bathroom where my crying could be drowned out by the hum of the washing machine. my emotions had caught me off guard. i was embaressed because i knew jason and our friend hadn't seen our conversation as anything other than playful. and yet i was angry that he didn't see how hurtful he could be. all of a sudden, all my hard work felt cheap and under-appreciated. regrettable.

i eventually squared my shoulders and joined them back in the living room. but there was an elephant in the room. our friend left, a short time later, and after tucking bella into bed, i headed to the bathtub for a highly-anticipated-for-the-last-4-days hot shower.

jason said, "hey....come here." i looked at him with tears in my eyes, and said, "no. if i don't do anything else right, i take care of my family. and i'm proud of that. i know you were joking. and i know you think you meant nothing by it. but it hurt me. and after everything we've been through? i'm still here. and that means something. i forgive you. and i'll get over it. but right now, i'm mad. and i can be."

the rest of the evening was quiet. nothing more was said. but i went to bed with a stronger reserve. and i went to bed not angry.

more and more, i'm realizing that life, every day of it, is, in its most divine simplicity, what we make of it. and i can only be responsible for myself. for the choices i'm making. for my words, and my actions. its a struggle, this loving yourself. but its a good struggle. full of passion and fury and learning and growth.

we're on a journey, he and i. in our relationship together, and as individuals. and some lessons, no matter how hard, can only be obtained on our own. i cannot claim to understand where his heart is, right now, nor the dynamics of his and k's relationship. only he can walk this. and he will never know all the channels of my heart and my hurts. but i'm waiting, on this road we're on. and that stands for something.

so things are not perfect. but i'm choosing to be content in today. and i'm reflecting on a hot cup of coffee. and a little touch of heaven.

Coooold

I'm having a reaaallly bad day. And becuz i've earned the right? I'm pretty sure i'm gonna take this moment to wallow in it.

We haven't had heat in 3 days. I'm currently at work with a coworker that might just be the most endearing yet exasperating person in THE ENTIRE WORLD.

pretty sure this is a preview of hell.

Last night, in an effort to stay warm, i agreed that sleeping on bella's great grandma's couch with a 9 year old and my mother in law sounded like a GOOD IDEA. i use the term *sleep* loosely. When not counting cockroaches and explaining why her great uncle was entertaining a prostitute in the laundry room, i prayed for swift death. I woke up smelling like a cross between a urinal and wet dog.

My mom sent $ for christmas. 3/4 of it has gone to a kerosene heater. Which is being housed at my in laws. Which means i'll get to be warm at least tonite. While i sleep on the floor. With my inhalers. Becuz they're chain-smokers.

Christmas is in 5 days. I have no money. No presents for anyone here. And a headache THIS BIG.

i know i'm being really grumpy and selfish. And God? If this is what it felt like a few hundred years ago when mary & joseph were just trying to find a warm place to lay their heads... Well this is an awfully big humbling.

so i want to thank you. Thank you for the important things that matter. Thank you for my family. Thank you for love. And thank you for reminding me of that with your own perfect love and gift of yourself.

And if you could see fit to turn the heat back on? That'd be awesome.

Brrrrr

This marks our 3rd day without power and heat. East tennessee has had the biggest snow storm i've seen in my 12 years here. Please send lots of prayers and warm hugs.

beautiful

here but not quite there

december 6th marked the climatic end to bella's GOTR season. shown here, 2nd row, the one on the far right, with the tie-dyed sleeves and the hippie 'boggin.

not shown here, are mom and dad, aka *running buddies*, 3 miles in, with a charlie horse and a realllllly negative attitude, respectively. ha! but we did it. not first. not last. but just right.

i have yet to go christmas shopping. i'm sort of hoping money falls like manna from heaven.

today we took christmas pictures. which i'm keeping to myself. becuz mother nature is cruel.

and today i feel suuuuper fat.

but tomorrow is my birthday.

viva la age.

happy december 1st

i sit here this morning, tryig to wrap my brain around the last month.

and i'm thankful for divine intervention and grace. so often, when we least expect it.

yesterday, jason and i sat in a social workers office at the east tn unemployment center. as her fingernails clicked across her keyboard, i admired the personal effects that made up her office. intricate needlework, beautiful what-nots, photos everywhere, depicting smiling faces; family, friends, coworkers, pets?

jason broke the silence and the quiet tension between us, asking the woman about one of the pictures. i redirected my attention to the tiny black kitten in the frame. someone had penned "got milk?" at the bottom. she paused, then swiveled in her chair.

"ahhh. thats sampson....he was 3 days old in that picture. there he is the day he opened his eyes. there, at 6 months. and this one was taken just recently."

she smiled and pointed out other photos. "see that yorkie puppy? and then that grey kitten? my daughter found sampson and his brother abandoned on the same thursday that little yorkie came into my life, which is a whole 'nother story. ...for some reason, things happen on thursdays around here."

she chuckled. "here i was after a long day of work, with 3 tiny, not to mention completely unexpected, motherless, helpless babies to take care of. 2 hour feedings ahead of me, and myself, an emotional wreck. its funny how Gods' timing is always perfect."

the last comment caught my attention, and i looked up, wondering what she meant.

she looked up, wistfully, "my grandaughter was on the other side of the country, that night, going in for brain surgery on a tumor the very next morning. i was angry i couldn't be there. i was scared. i felt completely helpless. but yet, there in my lap, lay 3 innocent babies that needed me. turns out, i needed them more. and He knew it. "

another woman whisked into the office just then with paperwork; the business at hand abruptly ending the conversation. 5 minutes later, we were walking out the door, smiling politely at the receptionist, while i choked back hot tears; jasons unemployment check would be delayed for the 2nd week in a row.

now 2 car payments behind, with utility and rent bills due this week and $4 in our bank account, i looked out the window as we we made our way back thru town; the silence...emotion....stress in jasons's car, palpable.

i was struggling to compose myself. i wanted to cry. and scream. and allow myself to be angry at the circumstances; the situation. and i had every right to be upset. every legitimate reason in the world. its not fair. and all the coulda/woulda/shoulda's seemed to jeer at me from every corner.

we sat at the last red light before our house and for just a moment, there was a brief light and warmth that rested on the intersection in front of us; the sun, a break in the cold, rainy weather. and that song "red light" by jonny lang, sprang to mind...

You can run a red light
Give up at a red light
You break the mold
When running through the tolls
Speeding through your whole life

A chance to breathe
While sitting at a red light
You look around
reflecting on your life

i don't know how i got thru the last 2 weeks of clinicals. but for the grace of God.

for all the wonderful and amazing cna's out there, i give you the right to laugh at my whining. i commend you for your warmth and strenth and 12 hour shifts. but i'm here to tell ya, 80 hours never seemed to last so long. and with work and classes, today is my first day off in over a month. i can't remember being more tired.

i thought to myself many times over the past couple weeks that i was glad i didn't go for my lpn in may. i was glad that i waited. that it would have been too hard. that i never would have lasted a year.

yet i come out of the experience, with a different perspective, thinking maybe i could. and while this all goes back to Gods' timing, i wonder also, if i didn't experience this for far more reasons than i myself, set out with.

the first day of clinicals was unlike anything i'd ever expected. i was not idealistic. while i was looking forward to the learning experience and the challenge, i'd anticipated the long hours and tired feet.

i was not prepared for the sink or swim factor.

nor the hardened, experienced, no-nonsense beast of a cna i'd be assigned to.

its funny, i say that lovingly now. because she is all those things. and i believe she knows it. she is also efficient, fully capable, and a loving, soothing comfort to so many of the patients there. she may be burned out on students, but she's got chutzpah.

with that said, that first day, if God hadn't been down one hall and jason the next, i don't know that i'd have stuck it out.

our introduction went a little something like this: " this here and this here are our halls. you can start by answering call lights and doing what you need to do. they can fire my a**. i ain't paid to babysit and i'm not changin' the way i do anything. i have my own routine. this is my section and i will not tolerate ignorance. " and with a nod of her head, she was down the hall.

and this, friends, is cna 101.

it may be a teaching facility but the truth is, this line of work is tough. its so beyond rewarding. but its also challenging. its physical as well as emotional. and there's no better way to understand all of that, than to just be let loose in that environment. as a student, you are a grunt, wide open to all the criticism, disrespect and abuse they can heap on you. and for good reason. because i've come to realize you either make it or you don't. twice, that first week, i admit i escaped to a bathroom and allowed myself to cry. and then i squared my shoulders and went back on the floor.

we lost 3 students in the first 3 days. and i spent those first few days in a general state of shock and confusion and just plain mad at what i felt was an injustice to students. i felt like i could tell 'em a thing or 2 about the way they did things. i could point out a few things. we could talk about some changes needed around there.

but now? i'm grateful.

i learned that i'm so much stronger than i ever thought i was.

i learned so much more about compassion and the most basic of human needs for comfort, love, companionship and care.

there were so many experiences and moments and snippets of conversations, that i will take with me forever. so many faces that just absolutely melted my heart.

i found a passion in myself i didn't know existed, working in the alzheimers/dementia unit.

there was the woman who mind is now almost completely gone. her husband comes every afternoon to walk with her and feed her supper. i saw him holding her on her bed one night and i marveled at that kind of love and the life they'd been so blessed to experience together.

i gave mouth care to a man who passed away the following night. the one personal item in his room was a picture of him in his youth. so solid and vivid and handsome. his very name made me think of my dad. and the moments that i spent caring for him that one day, i cherish, and hope brought him comfort.

there was the man that used to be the fire chief in his town. when asking about his past, seeing such a sparkle come back in his eye, his chest puffed up, so proud.

the man, 43, who had a brain aneurysm and lays unable to care for himself. who was a biologist and award winning botonist, featured in national geographic.

the woman i held, crying, when for a brief moment she understood that she's not herself anymore and that she's here to stay.

or the woman who kept getting out of bed and consistently needed to be redirected to her room. after one such return, grabbing my hand and whispering that she "just wanted to be where i was, where it was quiet and she could rest, because i was home."

i've always said its peoples' stories that mean so much to me. that tug at my heart. that help me learn and discover myself. and it just amazes me, the imprint we all leave. i wonder at how many people we turn our heads to or avert our gaze in life, to avoid being inconvenienced. yet how we're so much more connected than we'll ever know. we touch eachother's lives in such immensely profound ways.

we've been in search of a new church to call home. after the new addition went up, its been months of sermons on commitment to pay for said addition. and while i rarely get to attend because of work, its been a great source of frustration. you have to remember its been only 2 shorts year since jason and my mother in law have been active in a church full time for the first time in their lives. and this is the same church where i poured my heart out to the resident womens minister about my rape and the very next sunday when wanting to introduce her to jason, she had no idea who i was. it saddens me how far gone we can get, when we lose sight of the really important things, like who we are as people. and that reaching out goes further than just 4 walls. like the song goes: under the shadows of our steeples, all the lost and longing people

so 2 weeks ago, jason, bella and his mom, sought out a new church to visit. last week, i was granted permission to take one of my clients. first time in months. i was anxious, because i hadn't been able to take part in this decision. but by the end of the sermon, i sat, abit humbled. i've been fortunate to be a part of some amazing churches in my life. and i realize i have somewhat grandiose visions for what i envision to be the perfect church. a great childrens ministry and praise and worship team are 2 big categories that i mentally check off, first thing. i hate to admit i have flaws, but semi-conscious judging happens to be one of them, from time to time.

and i was really just so pleased. so put at ease and comforted and reached out to.

the pastor ended his sermon that day, talking about the God Stories that we go out with, and referenced several, ending with a woman in the congregation. he asked if she'd stand, and then asked how many people knew she'd had a kidney removed on thursday. there were gasps and her husband was the only one that raised his hand. he asked how many of us knew she'd given her kidney to her son. that their family had searched for months for a donor that would match and were unable to find anyone. the doctors' hadn't given them much hope. and then miraculously she had herself tested and was discovered a perfect match. he said that wouldn't have been such an amazing story if she were the birth mother. she was his foster mother.

realistically, life is hard. and for us, like so many of you out there today, we've hit some really troubled times. but i really truly believe that if we choose to dwell on the positive....the God Stories that come from the lives that we lead and the fact that Gods' timing is and will always be "perfect", it makes it easier to breathe. to take it one day at a time. one step at a time.

i dread the bills. the lack of money. i don't know how we're gonna do it.

but today is december 1st. and today is a beautiful day. because my family is alive and well. because i have a job. because hopefully jasons unemployment extension will eventually go through. because despite my car on the fritz needing fixed and jason's car running on fumes and a donut, it gets us back and forth. i may not have cupboards or a freezer full, but we have enough. i may not have started christmas shopping but i will. on thanksgiving, that same man in our class that had his electricity cut off, joined us for togetherness and a good hot meal. he wasn't alone. tonite, we'll dig thru our christmas box and decorate our tree. thursday, jason and i both will receive certificates for our cna and on our way to take state boards. friday, bella will joyfully take part in our towns christmas parade. and sunday, the 3 of us will take our places for the Girls On The Run relay for bella.

it may not all be my timing, but its Gods' timing. and its a good day.

Of dogs barking

This friday is national caregiver day.

I strongly suggest you visit your local nursing home and give out foot rubs and steak dinners.

3rd day of clinicals. 5 to go.

3 of the worst, longest, most hardest days of my entire life.

late night prayer requests

i hate money. i hate the stress it places on me. i hate the negativity. the sheer helplessness that threatens to take me over time and time again BECAUSE of it.

i hate my "sad face".

i've worked 7 days straight with school and 1 double shift thrown in for good measure.

as of tomorrow, i have 19 straight more to go.

i am beyond exhausted.

bella's school essay is due. scholastic book orders are here. her church group is performing on sunday.

my car won't start. the tumbler/ignition box/whatever its called is not accepting our keys. 1 mechanic quoted us a $60 part and $50 labor. the DEALER informs us he doesn't know what we're talking about and would need us to bring it in. hard to do when you can't start it. even harder when you don't have the money to fix it, nor pay for a tow truck.

jasons car is costing us $10 a day in gas back and forth to school. its sucking the gas and we're enveloped in fumes when driving it.

bellas Girls On The Run 5 k is the first weekend in december. with the events of the last few weeks, we haven't been able to go walk/run with her every day like i'd so determinted to do. i feel like i'm letting her down, and within the last 2 weeks, she's had such bad attitudes and behaviors at home and school. they've come completely out of left field, and by the end of each night, we've been drained, trying to understand where this is coming from and how to fix it. yesterday, she burst into tears in the dressing room of a uniform store. and i know there's so much more to her heart and her hurting right now. and i hate that i'm not even near scraping the botttom of the problem.

after assuming uniforms would not be an issue, jasons' scrubs alone cost me $85 yesterday and i discovered i'll be unable to use the ones i have. which means scrambling to find some at thrift stores sometime between now and monday.

our savings are depleted because of Jason being unemployed for the last 6 months.his unemployment checks run out next week. he'll receive a final check for $40. which will not cover his gas for the week, not to mention bills that are due.

we're hoping and praying and believing he'll be eligible for an extension to get us thru til january. but i'm scared to death about the possibility of the next 3 weeks withOUT his unemployment checks and him being unable to look for work while finishing clinicals. or worse, that THAT pressure will take precedence and he gives it up before reaching his goal of taking his state boards.

God, this journey has hit a really rough bend in the road. and i'm having such a hard time, hiding this fear from jason and bella. bella is running a fever tonite and its 3 in the morning and i can't sleep and i'm on my knees. and i need to let this go.

i'm thanking you for blessing us. for getting us thru this. i'm thanking you for health and family and grace. for your neverending, boundless, infinite love.

i'm asking that you take care of the man in my class, whose electricity is being turned off tonite. i wish so badly that i would have had the extra money today to pay his bill. i ask that you please keep him warm. that you protect him. that you hold him, as you hold me.

i'm asking that you heal bella. that you take whatever this is and throw it away. that you keep jason and me healthy to finish the task ahead.

and i'm asking that you keep me strong. i don't understand the circumstances right now. and i'm overcome by it. fully and completely. i feel like my faith is so tiny and insignificant. please forgive me for that and see my heart.

please just hold me.

hurry up and slow down

some days other people just say it better

movie moments

i love movies. especially the ones that grab ya up and squeeze you, in all the right places. the ones that make you laugh and cry and think, and come away, changed.



we watched this incredible movie the other nite. 'cried my eyes out. and any review i could give wouldn't even do it justice. its just simple and beautiful and refreshing.

and you should watch it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

one of my all time favorite childrens books has always been Where The Wild Things Are. so i don't know who was more excited, when we saw the movie trailer floating around for it a couple months ago ~ me or bella.

after a really long day at work last weekend, i arrived home to find jason and bella waiting for me at the door. bella grabbed my hand and said, "we thought you could use a night out, mama. we're gonna go take a drive and enjoy the fall at night". i chuckled, and tho all i really wanted to do was sit down and relax, i was curious at what they were up to and told her that sounded great.

it was a really beautiful night, so i guess you could say we "enjoyed the fall" abit, on their roundabout way to their surprise for me: tickets to the movies.

and i hafta say it was wonderful. in every way, shape and form. i think one of my most favorite things about the book, is its simplicity. and i wondered how that would translate to the screen. i also wondered if kids would really be able to grasp the concept.



i heard a review saying its "not so much a childrens movie but a movie about being a child." and i agree. its not cute and fluffy, even tho the characters are cuddly looking. there are very real deep, dark and sad moments in the movie. and while i think critics might be somewhat divided,i gotta tell ya....for all the kids at heart out there, my hats' off to spike jonze. i found his adaptation absolutely brilliant.

and kids do get it.

i don't know if i'd have chosen to take bella, had i seen it first. but in reality, i'm glad we did.

each *wild thing* represents an emotion or even a series of emotions inside of us. and i think thats what tugs at your heartstrings' the most in this film. at the lead, there's max, an adventurous and rambunctious little boy, who's struggling with all these pent up feelings inside him and what to do with them. so he escapes into his imagination and to the land of the wild things, where he becomes their king.

the main wild thing is carol who represents the anger and frustration that lives in every child. the part of you that thought life was going to be easier than this... the part that lashes out, capable of the deepest sadness and the most fiery rage. kw is the wide open, gentle, free spirit searching for peace and something better, hesitant to commit. douglas is the tried and true friend; wise and thoughtful. judith is the thorn in everyone's side, quick to sarcasm, her main defense mechanism. ira is her goodhearted, bumbling companion. content in finding his one true talent, yet struggling to find his place. alexandar suffers from low self esteem and often stands off to the side, feeling as tho he's not being heard. and the bull is the strong, quiet one, who observes, and takes his place as he's needed.

i promise no spoilers. but there's a scene in the movie where max sets sail, and carol has a sudden, very significant realization. its a pivotol moment. but i wasn't prepared for bella's reaction.

she'd sat, mesmerized, during the entire movie. she'd been so excited and brought her book with her to follow along, grabbing my arm when it got to every next page.

in the scene, carol races to the edge of the water and roars in understanding.

and bella burst into tears, just sobbing her heart out. she cried all the way out of the theatre, holding both of our hands and once in the car, it took several minutes before she was actually able to calm down long enough to hiccup out that she loved it. that she knows how max feels with all those wild things inside him. cuz she feels that way too sometimes.

and i held her and told her thats what makes it so great tho.... cuz we all have those emotions. and just like all the wild things wanted max to make everything better, they found out he couldn't please everyone. and that change started with each of them. beginning with love.

and i love that she loved it. and that she got it. and that it grabbed her up and squeezed her in all the right places.

the fall

i love this old barn. its one of my most favorite places to go in east tennessee. when i need a minute to think and need a breath of fresh air, its stands there solid, never failing to bring a sense of joy. and strength.

autumn is, hands down, my favorite season of the year, with the months of september and october a particular treat for me. i love everything about it. the beautiful colors and delicious smells. the change in weather; crisp cool air, clear night skies. wood burning stoves. fall mums, hot stew. the promise of halloween, thanksgiving and christmas right around the corner.

but this fall has been hard for me, for a number of personal reasons. my heart and my head have been hurting. and its a very tender hurt. i understand that this season is meant to be one of change, and with that, growth. but with growing, often comes not a small amount of pain.

in His perfect reasoning and ultimate plan, God has chosen for me several thorns to rest in my side, this season of my life. and i've not been the most graceful, getting through the brambles.

my boss has been one such thorn. and after one of my particularly long tirades over the phone, my mom gently asked if i've prayed for her. really prayed. and i had to admit, while i'd spent plenty of time feeling hurt by or being angry at this woman, i'd never once included her in my prayers.

i've seen so many things in this industry, working with the mentally challenged. more than i care to even acknowledge. bad things. wrong things. things that sadden my heart; that i often feel helpless to change.

but its not just work. things are shifting in my life at home as well. in commitments and obligations and relationships. and i'm having a really difficult time, sifting thru my discouragement and what i know to be my own displaced anger and resentment.

candace, after all this time, has entered our life again. and i'm torn between feeling the need to show love and grace, yet so very hesitant in what to do with the hurt that i feel i will always carry. i've worked so hard to forgive and to let go. but that will never take away from the fact that her husband raped me. nor the pain and the long & winding road to forgiveness and healing that his one act has forced my family and i to take...

i came home from work in tears the other night. the events of the day had been the straw to break the camels back, and i barely got the key in the ignition before the tears started flowing. arriving home, the house was empty. and i cried. deep, longing sobs, asking God to hold me.

and when i opened my devotion book that night, it was to the following line.....

When God places a burden on you, He places his arms underneath you.

i'm going thru a rough spot right now. and i hope you'll bear with me, as i take it one step at a time.

our pastor sends a memo every monday and i really got comfort out of his email this week, referencing luke 10:41-42, where Jesus spoke with Martha, telling her "you are worried and bothered by so many things. but only one thing is necessary."

i think there are moments for all of us, when we just need to be reminded of that.

and this....

God wants you to know that what you are most afraid of is where your greatest rewards are. If all you had to do was wish for something and you would have it, life would be pretty boring, wouldn't it? God places barriers between us and what we want, so we can enjoy interesting and satisfying lives. God hid our biggest rewards behind the highest barriers - our deepest fears. God wants us to face our fears, and hold ground in their presence, and let them go, and that's how we get out biggest rewards.

and so today, i'm reminding myself that letting go is one such fear that i need to overcome. and that my God is a God of restoration, redemption and rescue.

kat is having a very, very, very bad day.

love it

jj heller's *your hands*

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

'new season of *so you think you can dance* and *the biggest loser* have begun. its shaping up to be a fabulous fall in tennessee.

i've been away, i have. and there's no good excuse. not really, at all.

i'm trying my hand at this tweeting for real this time. i've had laryngitis, apparently. at any rate, you can find me twittering about, at threebyrdsnest. i'm still learing how to "follow" people and such. its good fun at my expense. stop by.

'have many, many pictures, not yet uploaded. 'finally made that camping trip. working major overtime. crafting. bella doing great in GOTR; on fall break for the next 2 weeks (yay!)

'am learning how to wii, as the kids call it. much fun and hilarity ensue.

'have missed you. *muah*

wherein my sister disowns me

{don't you wish your sister-in-law could text like me....don'tcha}

happy birthday, you young whipper-snapper, you.

why thank you, "old lady."

ooooh. them thar's fightin' words. i see adding another year on didn't learn ya much on figuring out us womenfolk. you're just lucky i'm not any closer. why, i'd think really hard about taking a switch to ya. and then i'd think BETTER of it and give ya the stank eye instead.

stank eye.... that sounds like a backward southern thing

either way, you'd agree it doesn't sound GOOD. and thats as ferocious as i'm willing to go with someone 4 feet taller than me.

does it look something like this?



lol. pretty good...pretty good. but i'm confused. is she constipated?

no. she always looks that way.

and yet you've humored her by making children together. what a guy.

ain't i a saint?

indeed.

(kim interjecting: you are so going down for this!)

calm down and don't worry. i just sent you the blackmail photo to beat all blackmail photos. my gift to you. enjoy. and don't spend it all in one place

here. you didn't put enough *stank* in it.



also. as my personal disclaimer to you. don't worry. kim and i are only half-related. so there's only a 50% chance she'll take after me as she ages.

i'll let you think about that for a minute. go ahead. digest.

blackmail? shoot...i won't have to buy mice traps anymore.

haha. ornery, yet still surprisingly spry for your age.

touche'.

all the small things

kids...its been hot, here in the south.

i think i've mentioned my gratitude once or 10 x's, that our little elderly furnace that could, managed to still pull it together and hum right along this winter. and possibly even more so, my thanks for the used a/c we got from a former coworker of jasons' before the summer weather set in. she's been a faithful little beige box of cool, refreshing air, planted squarely in our living room window.

for those of you unfamiliar with the perks of the mobile home elite, may i be the first to school you on how well box units work in these little babies. the general rule of thumb, is that they don't. now, they try. and they give a valiant effort, God bless 'em, but its kinda like putting ice in the oven, kids.

still, i can't bring myself to complain. tho it seems to stay a consistent 97 throughout the rest of the house, i've been so eternally grateful for that occasional burst of cool, when i pass thru here.

so. grateful.

for reasons that are many, and, might i add, boring, and laced with financial grievance, we're not in the position to install central heating and air just now...nor are we in the position to pop in at lowes and grab a 2nd window unit. tho i've had mad fantasies. i won't lie.

so i came home from work friday night and paused to visit with my elderly neighbor behind us. I'd given her some bread starter along with some samples, and we chatted about recipes and the weather and our flower-pot-gardens.

i was turning to leave when out of the blue she asked if we could use another air conditioner. i stopped dead in my tracks. i think the earth stood still. she said her grandson had given her one when she moved in, and she's not used a/c in years as she tends to stay cool and much prefers an open window or fan. she invited jason right on over to take it off her hands and wouldn't take a penny for it.

you guys.

my bedroom is currently cool. with a glorious vapor of coolness wafting down the hall and through the bathroom and bella's room.

its like a miracle, the awesomeness of it all. and way better than even lemonade....yah, sophie?

and as if that weren't enough, while checking email today, i received the kindest, most gracious and sincere letter from Molly Barker, the founder of Girls On The Run. i was entirely humbled that she'd not only taken the time to visit my blog but sought me out via email and shared in my concern that no girl be turned away. I can't tell you what an inspiring and genuine woman she is, or how encouraging her letter was to me.

and i'm reminded that no part i play is ever too small. sometimes, i think i get caught up in the big picture and forget that the tiny attention to detail and reaching out right where i am, can make all the difference in the world.

i really encourage you to look into her program and visit her blog here .

goodnight, friends.

Girls On The Run

here we come !

i love it when God answers your prayers with a "yes". bella came home yesterday with great news. they'd had so much interest in the program that the school made a quick decision to add an additional team. the first 15 on the waiting list would get in. she was so happy, and last night we celebrated by buying her some new running shoes.

i can't tell you how excited i am about this program. this situation has my creative juices flowing, tho. we were only able to pay on the lowest tier they offered, ourselves. they request $150 but begin as low as the $20-$49 range, asking that you pay what your family is comfortably able to afford. bella's best friend was unable to apply due to money. and even still, with a maximum capacity of 30 girls, i wonder if there were others unable to apply or get in.

i'm wanting to see how to fix that. how awesome is it, to make a profound difference in young girls' lives. and at an age thats so awkward and uncertain, for them to have a place.

i'm thinking....

also. if you only knew how hot this tiny trailer gets on a humid august day....call me crazy but i've baked my butt off today. making it even hotter in here, if thats possible. and i have amish friendship bread and starters coming out my ears. i'm starting to feel like the guys on the bikes, out there peddling *the good news*. i think the neighbors see me coming before i get there. at any rate, its hard to believe that this heat will soon be something i wish for when winter sets in. God bless my little tin box. anyone for some bread?

mom failure # 611

how does this happen.

i always figured i'd be one of those moms. the ones that join the pta and volunteer class mother and bake cupcakes and fund-raise and run from piano lessons to soccer lessons to underwater basket weaving.

i am so not.

its not that i'm entirely inept at this venture. but life just hasn't turned out quite like i'd imagined. and i'm not quite the creative, inventive, exciting mom i thought i'd be. i have my moments of pure genius. but they're few and far between. and most days, if i can manage the wind-up and wind-down routine, between the work, the cooking, the cleaning, the homework, the wife stuff, the mom stuff, the good cop/bad cop, i call it a good day and high five myself on the way to bed.

bella's grown leaps and bounds over the summer and aside from your occasional melt-down *hiccup*, i've just been amazed at how much she's grown and grown up.

enrolling her in Girls Inc. this summer was the perfect choice, and i feel so blessed for the opportunity. so when she came home yesterday with a sign up sheet for Girls On The Run , i got caught up in her excitement, yet not without a little trepidation.

as the mom of a daughter, and as a woman that still has issues of her own, i really struggle with how to approach certain things. she is beautiful and smart and funny and fearless and full of life. she's so creative and curious and talented. and i want to give her the stars and every opportunity that falls beneath them.

i want her to feel empowered and equal and strong. i don't want to pass on my self-criticism. my negative body image. my fear of failure. my sense of inadequacy.

my daughter will never be tall or lithe, due to genetics. she is short and solid, and she is so happy that her baby tummy is slowly fading away with each new growth spurt. her hair will always have wild natural wave when not tamed down and she will always have freckles across her nose in the summer. her nose and hands and feet will always look like her daddy's. the scotch and irish in her will ensure porcelain skin in the winter and spark that bold temper just under the surface; the cherokee will ensure an easy tan every summer. her eyes will always be bright sparkling blue. her giggle will always be infectious and her voice will always be the sweetest one i've ever heard.

and she is perfect.

she has never been particularly sporty. coordination and focus are her 2 nemesis'. and while i've encouraged these activities, i've never really led by example or pushed her in that area, instead choosing to take a more laid-back approach, encouraging her to try new things and make choices for herself. she loved karate in kindergarten. but money, or the lack of it, forced us to give it up after her first year. dance was a fun, but wrong choice at the time, as coordination wasn't neccesarily our forte' and the teacher wasn't neccesarily kind about it. the east tennessee childrens choir was lovely and educating, but stuffy and expensive and grown up for a a rambunctious 7 year old on the move, that loved to sing but didn't love to stand still.

so this program looks awesome. and its the very first sport related activity that she's taken a genuine interest in. i'd hoped for maybe soccer or t-ball over the years, and she was never excited about those things. so this, after all this time, was great news. its a 12 week program that the girls participate in, and throughout the process, the girls are coached not only on physical activity, but healthy living, right choices, life balance, etc... all fees are based on what your family can personally afford and at the end of the 12 weeks, the girls take part in a 5k run. anyone is welcome, noone is discriminated against. and it doesn't matter if you walk, run, skip or hop to the finish line, as long as you make the choice to finish.

and its only open to the first 15 girls that sign up, per district.

she was so excited last night. she made sure i signed all the right places. and this morning, she got right up and got ready without the tiniest fuss. we left the house by 7:35. plenty of time to make it. the doors don't open til 7:45.

and thats when everything went wrong. i don't know if it was the first day of fall semester at the college, or what. but we got stuck behind every slow car in every slow lane at every red light. i parked at exactly 7:47 and we sprinted inside. only to be told that they'd already met their quota but would be happy to put her on the waiting list, "just in case".

i put on my *brave mom smile* and squeezed her hand as she turned away and her little chin started to quiver. i took her aside and grabbed her up in a big hug and whispered, "remember our story last night? the one from Grandma's Attic, that talks about God's ways? if you're meant to be in this race this year, then God will make it happen. and if you're not, then He has something even better".

she gave me one of those brave, if-you-say-so, kid faces and ran off to assembly in the gym.

and i wanted to cry.

cuz i believe what i told her. i really do. but it just doesn't seem fair. i shouldn't have hit snooze on the alarm clock. i should've taken another route to school. i should've left the house earlier. how did 15 other moms get in front of us in the space of 2 minutes. were they camped out overnight? and why do i almost always feel that way. that no matter how hard i try, i'm so often gonna come up a day late and a dollar short.

it was just such a dissapointment. and i'm stuck between the dissapointment of only the first 15 getting to participate and the wondering if i could do something about it so in the future, noone is left out on the side-lines...

i've been in a slump, anyway, and i just can't seem to drag myself out of it. yet again, work has been so incredibly frustrating and stressful. but i'm not in a position to leap without looking. and looking isn't getting me very far either, right now. i chose not to tackle my lpn this spring, which has been the right choice, considering the circumstances of the past few months. but trying to step back into the classroom in general, has become a monumental brick wall. i've been so worried about jason finding work again, and after 3 whole months of dedication and perseverance, power walking every day, i only walked 3 x's in july. its like i just gave up. and i don't know how or when or why that happened.i didn't ostrich my head in the sand. but i think i dug my toes in real deep and haven't wanted to get back up.

God? if you can hear me....its me again, margaret.

and thank you. for this . (pause the ol' music box down yonder and watch)

late nite trips to walmart

hello?

hey.....whats that stuff called again? maxoderm?

maxoderm? what in the heck is that? i need bacitracin.

bacitracin. ahhhhh. i have this woman helping me back here and i couldn't for the life of me remember what it was called. where did i get maxoderm. took us forever to find this. ok...does bacitracin have zinc in it?

(google search, followed by unabridled laughter)...... you do realize you just went from a male enhancement product to zinc ointment and you took a poor, defenseless walmart employee with you on that journey.....

oh.my.god. (nervous clearing of throat) ummm. thank you. yah. thats what she needs.

(laughing.....oh the laughing)

i can't believe i just did that.

did you get your heartburn medicine?

(pause.......sigh) there ain't no goin' back now.

beautiful

yet another reason i love fox's So You Think You Can Dance. this was a number by tyce diorio as a tribute to the fight of a woman with breast cancer. i cried, lord how i cried. remember to pause the ol' music box on the bottom of m'page.

mumbo jumbo

argh.

i hate government red tape. aka, medicaid. more like i hate the process. and i hate that i'm stereotypical in my assumptions of who actually ever qualifies for what they really need. but its more than a little exasperating to me that the family with both parents working to provide and pay their bills and taxes, are deemed unqualified, yet the 19 year old drop-out,expectant mother with 2 already at her ankles,wearing fancy gold hoops, selling pot our her window and her food stamps for cash and deciding which pair of ed hardy jeans to buy her baby daddy, does.

thats not to say its every case. but that 19 year old girl? was my previous upstairs neighbor. i know of a family right now receiving $800 in food stamps for 4 kids cuz their dad won't consistently hold a job. and i had a coworker i barely know call me last week to let me know she'd used my name as a reference so her caseworker would be calling. all i needed to do was lie and tell her we'd been friends for 2 years and that she and her husband, a truck-driver, are "seperated", so her food stamps, daycare, child support and insurance could continue.

its not my place to judge someone. but i really, really struggle with the injustice sometimes. i believe everyone deserves a chance and a hand up, along the way. not to be confused with hand-out. but don't they need to also work for it? or was i just one of those rare people that grew up in a time and place where you Did The Right Thing.

now do those kids deserve the help because for whatever reason, their parents can't provide it? absolutely. so with that said, doesn't mine deserve that same chance too?

i never had the luxury of not working to support my child. i did what i needed to do. and yet,it seems because i chose to work and provide for my family, although commendable in society,was more like a shot in the foot.

crazy.

don't mind me. i've just been on the phone with our local medicaid office.i'd already assumed it would be a cold hard summer before jason and i could get coverage but i figured bella would surely be eligible, where jasons' insurance ended with his lay-off.

but after a 30 minute interview, i was told we didn't qualify because our $1700/month income is over their requirements for a family of 3. ironic, since not 6 days ago, i received a letter in the mail from the same state, advising that bella would be eligible to receive free lunches at school, as we made less than half of what the state estimates to be the average income for a family of our size, listing us at poverty level, in black and white.

its funny, really. my little piece of heaven over here could certainly never be mistaken for the taj mahal. and i'm aware that our monthly income is a mere monthly mortgage payment for some of you out there. yet i know we're so very blessed and that we have more than so many. i don't feel like i live in poverty, until the very government that i help support and provide for, slap me in the face.

i know i'm not alone in my frustration. i just wish i could fix it.

channeling erma bombeck

on a monday, i took a pregnancy test. all the symptoms have been there. and at the 2 minute mark, there it was, in a faint vertical line, marking the plus sign i was dreading/hoping for.

we painted the house. jason cut his foot. bella started back to school. i woke up on a wednesday morning with the sinus infection to beat all sinus infections.

on a sunday night, the floodgates of my uterus burst open with such fervor and searing pain, that i understood my daydreams of blue or pink were meant to be tucked away.and with classes starting the next day, i understood God has other plans.

i've been thinking alot lately, on the subject of love.

i'm new to, but loving the series, "the cleaner". we enjoyed Michael J Fox's "Adventures of an Incurable Optimist" last night, and i'm blown away by his joyous and persevering spirit. i loved it when he said "i think its about doing the next right thing. it doesn't have to be doing the next thing right."

i shared my willie story with my sister and she had a different take on the situation. she asked me, 'what if he had been just simply overwhelmed by someone showing him kindness and love, that he responded with a sort of unbridled gratitude.

well, something to that extent.

i think she has a point. its funny, i've not seen willie again since that day. and i wonder about him from time to time.

some days i feel far from accompished. and today, when i ache and hurt and have managed to move only from the bed to the couch, i look at everything i haven't done and that needs to be done, in my mind. but i forget sometimes, that that's ok. and that this too shall pass, and all of this that i do, matters. it counts.

with respect to a dear fellow blogger,i'd like to borrow an excerpt that really hit home the other day.

Often I allow myself to think that being at home with my children, reading to and with them, and going on short day trips with them doesn't count as much as...

I think that sitting poolside and watching them play in the pool doesn't count as much as ...

I think that cooking for them, even though I hate to cook, doesn't count as much as...

I think I don't count as much as... because I'm not earning a salary.

I think that I don't count as a good example of the real women, the strong women, the women who are good role models because those women don't earn master's degrees and then stay home with their kids for the next 15+ years.

I forget that reading and journaling and taking photos and telling our stories and welcoming friends to share our lives and praying and writing all count.

I forget that remembering those that I love in prayer and kind thoughts and moments of simple soul-deep connectedness, even when separated from them by hundreds or thousands of miles - I forget that it counts.

I forget that smiles and waves and "please" and "thank you" count.

I forget that responding to emails and phone calls and text messages counts.

I forget that me being me, failing and falling apart, strong and weak, loving and laughing out loud, weeping, growing, being defiant, being compliant, reaching out, reaching in, being silent, grateful, discontented, writing, not writing, cooking, not cooking, cleaning, not cleaning, teaching and not teaching - I forget that me living my life to the fullest, it counts. Big time.

Letting go of what is not kind or generous or thoughtful counts too. Choosing not to retaliate, not to criticize, not to engage in needless debate counts.Apologizing, forgiving, releasing old grudges count.Breathing, simply inhaling and exhaling, taking many long, slow breaths before responding, sometimes choosing silence, always seeking to foster calmness and welcome gentleness - it all counts.

I forget far too often that it all counts. Every single minute of it.

ahh. much better. relax. breathe.


ok. just in time for the 4th of july, i'm done with my hissy-fit. i promise. and hopefully i'll be around here a little more often.

i just have those moments from time to time when i need to project or i spontaneously combust.

it hasn't been all bad, this change in direction. its been rather nice, having jason around the house. we've learned to aggravate eachother in new and exciting ways, for one. job leads are few and far between. but i'm confident that God will see us through. He always does.

between weather and work not cooperating, we've yet to make a camping trip, but summer has just begun. we've spent time at the lake, enjoyed some much needed relaxation in the smokies, foundered ourselves on garden goodies.

thanks to both grandmothers, bella's had a wonderful experience, participating in the Girls, Inc day camp this summer, and we couldn't be more pleased. i strongly encourage anyone with young girls to look into this program in their community. its awesome.

i start cna classes this monday. although, a step down from my lpn, its a step in a good direction. and i'm excited for that.

and for those of you sweethearts that have subscribed to my facebook or tweets, thank you so very much for your support. every time i get a comment or message, its like a real honest-to-goodness hug. i love you all so much.

for the time being, however, i've deactivated those accounts. maybe its my own sense of down-sizing. but with working as much as i can and never fully grasping the applications, its just been a little too much for my mind to wrap around. this little blog has always been my breath of fresh air. and tho its good to try on new things, they don't always fit. 'think i just got a little too big for my britches for awhile and forgot that.

much love to you all over this holiday weekend. enjoy.

bitter breakfast

as a disclaimer:

i'm thankful, ever to thankful , that i live in the greatest country in the world. i subscribe to the idea that life is what you make of it and that the sky is most definately the limit. we are blessed.

i don't for one moment, believe i should have the audacity to complain.

and i don't lay blame on one president or one generation or group of people.

but on occasion, i'm just frustrated that our country has gotten to this point. and i'm frustrated that i can't figure out a way to make it better.

and some days are just a little harder than others.

Dear rich politicians and high mucky-mucks who have lost all sense of value in the world around them,

Today I was given the luxury of waiting in line 45 minutes to receive my paycheck and be granted the opportunity to participate in a health plan my company has decided so graciously to extend.

I was told that for a mere $362.97 per pay period......that works up to $725.94 a month......I may obtain coverage for myself and family.

Just to be clear, that would allow me $104/month, or $52 every two weeks, to contribute to my family's living needs.

Today, my husband also received all paperwork neccesary to prevent a lapse in medical coverage, after having been one of 150 employees laid off in the southeast region in May.

His letter reads as follows:

"The American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009 was designd to increase jobs, fund projects, offer tax relief and assist individuals who have become recently unemployed by subsidizing and reducing COBRA premiums. You are receiving this election notice because you experienced a loss of coverage."

I'd like to take the time to thank you. I can't tell you how comforting it is, to understand that for a mere $981.83 a month, we may continue our medical coverage. Just to be clear, this would allow Jason -$69.83 to contribute to his family's living needs, after unemployment checks that will end, as of December.

As I write this letter of thanks, I'm perusing the *Dynamic Details* 'zine that SDI, better known as Steel Dynamics Inc. sends out. Fascinating, in issue 21, an interview with chairman and CEO Keith Busse states that "The current global economic meltdown is deep and wide", but he believes SDI has a "bright future and that the company will be stronger for having endured adversity."

I do wish the best for SDI's future progress and investments. And I am certain that they sleep far easier, knowing they endure this adversity due to no longer having to shoulder the cost of employing the hundreds of workers they've laid off or fired in their last 4 downsizing sprees over the course of one year.

so where does it end? when does money and profit and bigger, better, faster take a backseat to life and the quality of it. some days, the promise a "brighter future" just seems a little bleak, in the here and now.

world keeps spinning 'round

the internet access around here kind of rolls in and out with the tide. and the time to spend when it is, isn't always so forthcoming. my updates become a little outdated.

i'm a little bleh tonite...can't sleep. just alot on my mind. maybe its indegestion.

all this new technology boggles my mind, and while a part of me wants to celebrate the new and exciting ways of communicating and staying in touch, there's a very real side that longs for the human connection that so often seems lacking anymore. we busy ourselves, filling our days with the business of busy-ness. and i just find it a little disheartening some days. the more i put myself out there, the more i find myself wanting to retreat.

and yet if i'm the pot, i can't very well call the kettle black. i enjoy my computer time, when available. i'm comfortably attached to my cell phone and that great invention called convenience. so where is my line drawn in the sand. if i don't facebook but i tweet....if i don't myspace but i blog....hmm.

i met a dear and kind old man at the park last week.

my daily routine had become abit discombobulated thru overtime and training requirements at work, and then settled into a somewhat stagnant state when actually given the opportunity. kind of like my blogging.

i was struggling with my 3 miles that morning. and i was rounding a curve, lost in thought when he called out, announcing he'd "made it".

i spent the next half hour, slowing my step to match his and listening to his story.

i'd love to put it into words, our exchange. hopefully, one day i will. he was dear. very dear. and his wisdom was great. yet he is lost. he feels alone in the world. resentful of past mistakes, uncertain of a future that is cloudy with time and age and angst and all the things that the world clutters up along our way, when we let it.

willie said he thinks of suicide often at this chapter in his life. i asked if thats really how he wants to close his page.

i told him i get discouraged with my weight and body image. he said what if God made you beautiful just the way you are.

he spoke of his wife, now estranged. his children and grandchildren.

i told him that happiness is something we have to chase after some days. and sometimes we find it in the strangest places.

he asked why i'd take the time to talk with a strange old man.

i told him that God doesn't make mistakes. that what we go thru, is for a purpose, even when we never understand. and knowing that doesn't neccesarily make it easier, just sometimes a little more bearable.

i told him he needed to know that despite his mistakes, he has lived a full life.

that he needs to know he's a good man.

he called me his angel.

and the next day, he was waiting, umbrella in hand, to walk with me again.

i came home that day, enchanted by our conversation, and repeated it, verbatim,to jason, who teared up at all the right places.

but my friends, it is here that our story derails. for if i'm an angel, gene simmons is a choir boy. and so i suppose it should come as no surprise, that halfway around the track, that fateful 2nd day, ol' willie decided to mack on the heavenly host and came at me with a wide open 78 year old tongue kiss and surprisingly spry speed.

i don't think they make a mouthwash for that.

i also think that horrific image is perhaps forever branded in my brain. not pleasant. not one bit. gets me riiiiiight here, really. every time.

ahhhhh, but this Gods' sense of humor in my life, as of late. describes it rather beautifully, really. He does like to wax poetic. what with jason laid off, the ongoing frustration in my work. with friendships and family and relationships and people and situations and just plain life, that gets to me when i let it...

eh. i guess knowing that God has a purpose and my best interest at heart, doesn't always make sense.... sometimes stings a little... some days i never understand, and that doesn't make it any easier. but some days, knowing that, does make it a little more bearable.

at any rate, i guess there's just one thing you can really surmise from all this.

jason perhaps summed it up best, when not doubled over, laughing.

thats right, baby. i've still got it.

9 years

you're beautiful, my little one.

happy birthday.

a new day

when bella was in kindergarten, she came home in tears one day, over a classmate being mean. i held her on my lap and asked her to tell me 5 things about that day that had made her happy, and by the end of that conversation she was giggling.

its something we've continued to do on a daily basis and it really changes the way you look at things. before she goes to bed each night, we each write down 5 things in a journal. blessings, accomplishments, etc...and it resets your focus. even when a day has seemed nothing but horrible. even when circumstances are hard and you don't have all the answers.

it makes you appreciate the love and beauty already in your life. it helps you value your own efforts and self worth. 'reminds you to lighten up and breathe.

i feel so genuinely, that life's too short not to be happy. not to dream and make your mark, write your story.

last year, around this time, i began actively considering going back to school.

i was in superhero mode...in my "i can do anything by myself" zone. something that, unfortunately, i revert to often. chaos tends to be my security blanket of sorts.and it gets me nowhere. least of all, secure.

with every step of this process, i took a deep breath and plunged right in. and each time, i surprised myself by succeeding. I passed my entrance exam. i filed for federal grants. i studied my terms. i scheduled physicals and shots and attended orientation and assessments.

this past year has been a monumental one for me. i could never accurately put it all into words. but in many ways, i've been rediscovering myself. and the closer i've come to *d* day, i've felt more and more unsure. its normal to have anxiety. but this has been different.

i could think of a dozen good reasons i needed to be on that campus, may 4th. to better our lives. for the money. the job security. to follow through with something. to prove to myself i have it in me. and when may 4th rolled around, i could think of an equal dozen good reasons why now is not the right time for me.

because getting myself, and my life back, is infinitely more important than any career choice i make right now.

the past few years have been gut-wrenchingly hard. and i've struggled....really struggled with who i am and the woman i've felt i'm supposed to be. And i've fallen short of the target, with pre conceived notions of who and what i felt i needed to be and represent to everyone else around me.

one thing i know...i'm one stubborn broad.

there are qualities i want to posess as a woman. and with those, i want most, to have balance and joy in my life. i want gentle strength. i want to set goals and surpass them. i want an inner beauty that shines straight through.i want a life fully lived. i want to be a good wife, mom, sister, daughter, friend.

but instead of actively pursuing that goal, i've worn a badge of hurt and anger. for a really long time. and i got lost along the way. i think part of any journey in rediscovering your happiness and purpose gets toughest when the road veers off onto crooked and gnarled trails. You get so caught up in the idea of you, that you forget where you put your spirit on hold. and rather than figure that out, you run in 10 different directions, bound and detrrmined to really prove something to everyone but yourself.

that happiness...that joy and balance, is what i'm after. Thats what my family needs. Its what i need. right now that feels like baby steps. but we all have to walk before we run.

if school is my decision down the road, it will be when the time is right. and not because i feel like i need to prove something to anyone but myself. or because i feel i need to provide the backup plan when i feel like everyone and everything else has failed. it will be right.

on tuesday, may 26th, jason and i celebrated our 9th anniversary.

on our 9th anniversary, jason was laid off from work. bella came home with a note from her friend austin. he wrote the following:

bella, thank you for being my friend. my mom died. i miss her SO much and i cry every day when noone can see. i hate it when people make fun of me. i miss her. i wish i could talk to her. the reason she died is she overdosed on medicine. you're my best friend.

this week has been busy with schedule changes and abrupt life changes. the last of the year *hurry and scurry*. field days and field trips, talent contests, science fairs, camp registration and the like.

its alot to process.

unprecedented, worst in 50 years, crises of epic proportion, seismic, unthinkable, catastrophic, meltdown. These are just some of the words being used to describe our economic times. Some of these words ring a little too close to home, here recently. and i'm reminded of a verse in psalms: "Neither do I concern myself with great matters, or with things too profound for me." Psalm 131:2

where my treasure is, there will my heart be also.

i'm happy. blessed, even.
my family is healthy.
i hate that danny was voted off american idol.
i'm nerdily ecstatic that the new season of "so you think you can dance" has begun.
my tomatoes are growing beautifully.

this saturday, may 30th, we'll be participating in Relay For Life at the Bristol Motor Speedway, with Team Smitty 2

We're so excited for the opportunity to join good friends in this opportunity to celebrate, remember and fight back.

any contribution you'd feel comfortable in submitting will help a life.

bella has chosen to sing *the climb* in the childrens talent portion.

'never been a big fan of hannah montana. but i have to say, listening to bella rehearse the words these last few weeks, has been encouraging. and not just for circumstances in our own family but will ring true at the Relay as well.

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,

Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you're gonna have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking

The pain I'm knowing
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on,

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith

love you, my friends. keep on keepin' on.

of taking leaps

i can think of a dozen good reasons that i should step into a classroom next monday morning. to better our lives. for the money. the job security. to follow through with something. to prove to myself i have it in me.

and i can think of an equal dozen good reasons why now is not the right time for me.

i broke down in tears with my sister on the phone yesterday. i'd just received gut wrenching news that i may not be able to attend bella's spring concert. not because of anything in my control, but because of a manager at work that has determined to stick like a thorn in my side. she's known about this event for weeks and yet scheduled me to train new staff on that particular day.

some days, i lose all hope in humanity and kindness and goodness in this world.

i think to myself that whatever love and determination i've put into this work that i do, is, in all honesty, pointless at the end of the day. tenure matters not, without a degree or lips pursed just so, to kiss the right bum at the right time.

and i think to myself that i don't want this job forever....this place that dictates how and if and when i spend my life.

so i bide my time. i bite my tongue behind closed lips. i look the other way when they abuse the system. i show up for work and do my job for the day. and at the end, i go home.

but i take it with me.

for a myriad of different reasons, i'm going thru such a difficult and conflicting time in my life. i'm aware that i need to take a step, yet i stand paralyzed, not willing to pick a direction. i'm so afraid of falling. of not having the stamina and the courage and the smarts to pull myself out.

i don't feel that backing. that go ahead. but i know i can't stand still.

its all i have done.

jason and i got into a heated argument over his lunch break. ever like his father, its easier to be stubborn and be quiet when words are needed. tho when he does voice his opinion on this matter, its not what i want to hear.

its a hard day, all around. please pray for me.

30 days

they say it takes 30 days to really get a feel for something. 30 days to develop new habits. 30 days to break an old one.

i'm inching my way closer to my own personal 30 day mark. awhile back, i started walking in the mornings. and i'm proud to say i've kept at it. oh, i've thought about it...talked about it...even attempted it a few times. by myself, with friends. but it always fizzles out, for one reason or another. once upon a time i was even hitting the gym. but its been a long while.

we fancy ourselves active. we love the outdoors and getting out and doing things. we work hard and play hard. but more often than not, we find ourselves stuck in a sort of sedantary lifestyle. and i, for one, don't want that. i feel tired and old when i should feel vibrant and healthy. i want to live my life. and experience it to the fullest. i want to instill that in our daughter. i want to inspire my husband.

my weight and subsequent body image has fluctuated up and down since childhood, really. i'm the first one to point out your beauty, yet have no problem downplaying my own. for the most part, i had a well-adjusted childhood... i went thru growth spurts and puberty like everyone else, save for some extra curves upstairs, thanks to genetics. there are plenty of things i like about me, but i can't say that i've always loved myself. i think thats a work in progress.

as a woman in my 30's, in many ways, i feel like i'm just officially coming into my own. and with that said, it gets harder, blaming the "baby belly" on your nearly 9 year old.

one morning, i woke up and just felt like it was time. that time is sometimes all we have. and that its of the essence because we just have this one time to make a difference. and i think this is one of the first things i've really done for just me, in a really long time. sore muscles aside, its become this sort of joyful part to my day. each morning, i drop bella at school and head for the park. i do my stretches, plug in my earphones and hit the pavement.

i won't lie and say its been easy. in the beginning, it was plain hard. strangely enough, because the hardest lesson hasn't been in pacing myself but in allowing myself to commit to the moment. instead of my usual *hands in 10 different pots*, i'm focusing on me. and in doing so, i'm focusing on God, too.

i'm in transition zone. i couldn't, in all honesty, tell you i've *met my stride*. some days are downright dissapointing. discouraging all around. i've had headaches and nausea and cramps and a host of other maladies. there are the regulars that continue to run circles around me. but each day that i get up and go, is another day that i've met my goal. each extra step or exercise i incorporate, beats my own personal best. and that makes me happy. i feel my clothes just a little looser, my legs just a little stronger, my shoulders squared just a little more.

yesterday, i was so proud of myself for making it around the track 4 times the hard way ~ uhpill. i'd done step-ups on the brick wall in between and was jamming to my tunes, as i hit a slow descent on the trail. one quick combination of not paying attention and hitting a pothole, landed me on 2 very sore, very bloody knees. and i sat there for a few moments, catching my breath and wiping away tears with 2 blood-stained hands, finding irony in the song playing at that exact moment by tenth avenue north. in particular, the line: "i'll be by your side wherever you fall".

i can't pinpoint any one thing that's made a difference or sparked a little something in my spirit. more like a handful of circumstances, lately, that have made me very introspective. jasons' dad's near death experience that landed him in the hospital for nearly a week over easter. the continuing stress with my job and my decision on going back to school just now. the computer - my outlet- going down. jason having a major sa relapse and how truly devastated that's made me. candace, calling again. after all this time.

at a time when ordinarily i'd want to be rescued, i find myself really seeking me out. asking God to change me first. instead of resenting my strength, wanting to embrace that strength and gain more, with His help.

and none of that has been easy.

i've been really sad for a really long time. and i want, more than anything, some balance and rest.

A long row to hoe

The computer is out at home and might be, indefinately. Looks like i'm gonna have to get used to posting when/if i can.

Spring is on its way..... Been cleaning and planting and trying to get myself planted just abit too. Lots of changes and decisions in the air. I hope your april showers are bringing lots of beautiful flowers.

day by day

after what i'd like to call a spectacularly miserable and spazztastic last week, i'm trying to take this week one day at a time, enjoying the small things and calling them all victories.

song of the day: "hope now" by addison road. love it.

If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I'm Yours

I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

you'll be pleased to know my interview with the nursing home went smashingly. i think, if possible, i was born for this job. and if, for some reason, God thinks I'm being a tad overzealous on my qualifications, then its time to hit the books, kids, and next month means school.

also, it never ceases to amaze me the amount of *stuff* they never tell you about parenthood. i can handle regurgitated breast milk, diaper explosions, book reports, scraped knees, head wounds,training bras, crushes, the birds and the bees. but its the little things that catch me off-guard.

after a full day of playing and running off energy, full throttle, bella ran in frantically yesterday afternoon and between overly dramatic gasps of air, managed to get out, "my.... stomach.... hurts....!" i immediately asess the situation. did she fall off her wheelies or scooter. could it be her appendix. when was the last time she ate.is she coming down with the flu. perhaps the bubonic plague.

i asked her what she'd been doing when it first started to hurt and she said she and her friend rosie had been in a sit-up contest down by the creek.

ahhhh, i surmised. "those are called muscles".

grace like rain

phillip larue has a song coming out that i love. i played it over and over this morning while driving to meet up with a friend and apply for a coordinator position in a nursing home that i'm really hoping to land.

its called "running so long".

i'm so thankful for the internet some days. i think, at times, we can feel so very much alone. its an unparalleled blessing to have this format where we can voice our innermost fears and questions and concerns, even joys, and somehow, across the abyss of life and circumstances and a myriad of faceless people, be heard.

i've had this little blip on the map for just over a year now. i blogged yesterday, wondering if it had become my crutch, yet today lean towards saving grace. sometimes i think God places us in a position where we need abit of a crutch to help hold us up when maybe we're not doing so great on our own. when its hard to keep the faith in unseenand believe that we're worthy; that we're enough.

your comments always mean so much to me. i started this page at such a harsh time in my life. it was, in every sense of the word, my hearts-cry. and your kind thoughts and words thru the last year have been such a god-send. such an encouragement. i love you for that.

and you're right. we ARE enough. even when we don't feel like it ~ scratch that ~ especially when we don't feel like it. and always.

i managed to sneak away to church a couple sundays ago...the first time i'd been able to in nearly 2 months. for one reason after another, i just hadn't been able to break away from work with one of my girls. even this time was a struggle, and we nearly didn't make it. Flow and I settled in to the service with a guest speaker, and while the message wasn't really anything spectacular or earth shattering ~ the title was "certainty"~ it served its purpose in a very poignant way when he began to wrap up.

He pointed out that there was a small black piece of paper in the chair in front of everyone, with a pencil. He then asked that we place all of our angst, our imagined failures, our spectacular disasters, our screw-ups, our indiscretions into 3 words:

i am forgiven.

he reminded us that we are always enough; that we're never too far gone. that no matter the situation; no matter the worlds' opinion; no matter whats beating us down, that those 3 words are always an absolute. that whole "as far as the east is from the west" thing is true. and then he asked us to rip up our paper and let the pieces fall at our feet.

it was very meaningful to me... something i struggled with in repeatedly in counseling and still wrestle today. i want to believe i'm forgiven; i'm not at fault; i can lay it down. i can move on. but i inevitably always take my backpack back. as tho i'm not really sure if any of that is true.

sometimes, i feel like i'm raining on the inside. and i find i'm so uncertain of this person i am and who i'm supposed to be.

jason saw k at work. they've had their 4th ~ a boy. he and jason talked briefly and in parting, k said "we've been praying for you". when he told me,i quietly took it in. i wanted to take him at face value; wanted to believe he meant it. but after all this time, i find that i still spew venom when i speak his name.

i think there is a huge gaping wound that i carry with me somehow wherever i go. made that much deeper and bitter with a closure that will never fully come, but that i somehow have to get past.

i reactivated my myspace account some time ago. for me, it became the proverbial dangling carrot; in part, due to her mothers concern. in part, due to my own morbid curiosity and dare i say, hope. i wanted to prove that rather than shut that door, i was no longer afraid. that i was willing to push it wide open.

and all this time has gone by, with nothing. every effort i made felt cheap or thwarted.

and then, today, there was candace. in a multitude of snapshots and bright, cheery entries. and i am flooded with grief. at this and so much more.

i ran across a poem that k wrote a little over a year ago:

I AM LEGEND,

IN MY OWN TIME.

USING MY WORDS,

IN PHRASES AND RHYMES.

THE ONES WHO KNOW ME,

LOVE ME OR HATE.

THERES NO MIDDLE GROUND,

MAKE A CHOICE, WHY WAIT.

I AM,

WHO I AM.

I AM,

WHAT I AM.

I CAN BE NO MORE,

I CAN BE NO LESS.

LIVINNG MY LIFE,

THROUGH LOVE AND STRESS.

THE PATH I WALK,

IS MINE ALONE.

LEADING ME,

TO AN ETERNAL HOME.

A HOME OF GRACE,

OR A HOME OF FIRE.

A LIFE OF TRUTH,

OR A LIFE OF DESIRE.

WHICH I CHOOSE,

IS UP TO ME.

THE FUTURE OF MINE,

IM YET TO SEE.

I LIVE MY LIFE,

THE WAY I CHOOSE.

EACH CHOICE MINE,

WIN OR LOSE.

I MAKE MY DECISION,

I MAKE MY MIND.

NOT WANTING TO FAST FORWARD,

UNABLE TO REWIND.

I LIVE MY LIFE,

AS BEST I CAN.

IM NOT IMMORTAL,

IM MEERLY A MAN.

his words. his choice to rip my life apart. his cry for help?

i go back to that day. and then the anger and the tears. and the years gone by. i go back to that moment in walmart. was he really sorry. did i really forgive.

and i know that we all deserve grace and forgiveness. but i feel as tho these last few years, every time i've struggled to stand back up, God has continuously allowed me to be pushed back down. there are times when i can't see His face. is He looking at me or has He turned away, because this is what i need, right now.

all i understand is that i've felt so unsettled. so unhappy, lately. and i need it to go away.

some days, i just get a little tired of the rain.