bella and jason have finally gone on to sleep. so its just me with my tears and head full of thoughts tonite, with a tiny kitten wrapped in a towel at my side. we don't know if it was the door or jason stepping out in a dark kitchen that caught her but i'm fairly certain her little back is broken. i know if i take her to the vet, they'll put her down. and maybe to some, that would seem more humane. but we prayed over her that God would take away her pain and if she's meant to be with us, He'll heal her; if she's hurting, He'll take her home.

two short weeks ago, i was going about my mundane household chores, numbly loading a wash of clothes before work, abentmindedly praying. and thinking to myself, i needed something to snap me out of this depression i'd found myself in. at the very moment i thought it, i rebuked it, knowing good and well that only bad can come from that train of thought. and tho i know this isn't neccesarily that *something*, i can't help but find the irony in it.

sometimes i think i...we...get lost. lost in the day to day. the routines. the *normalness* that is our lives. with the stress...the living paycheck to paycheck...the bills...dissapointments. we lose ourselves. and eachother along the way.

jason and i used to talk for hours. about everything. about nothing at all. after 11 years of marriage, with a child and opposing schedules those talks are few and far between. lately, i've been battling migraines again and i've felt old and fat and in many ways useless. lost. i think to myself...is this how families drift apart? without even realizing it...

as i finished my last batch of the 72 cupcakes i was making for childrens church last nite, i paused for a minute to let myself catch up. i'd been awake since thursday nite by this time because i'd been called into work for an emergency 12 hour 3rd shift friday. bella was having a friend stay over and yesterday was just a busy day all the way around. too much going on. too much to do. and it was catching up with me. i surveyed my hectic household from my vantage point in my tiny kitchen and just felt overwhelmed. the house was a wreck....after they'd begged and begged us to put the tent up for a camp out, they were still in the house playing. there were kittens underfoot & i'd never felt so closed in. i'd lost control and in exasperation, i thought to myself...Lord...if only our children knew how much we do for them. how much we sacrifice.

then i thought, wow. I bet God feels that way alot.

i talk a good game. i go thru the motions....i pray. i read my devotions...sometimes. we go to church every sunday and i'm the leader of our childrens church ministry. but on a deeper level, there are times, often, when i feel very disconnected from God. and because of that, myself. my husband. my daughter.

today has been bittersweet. i struggled to keep it together & keep a class full of active kids attention for the hour that i had them. ages ranged from 2-12 and i'd planned a quick lesson with crafts for dads. as usual, lately, i felt completely exhausted by the time church let out. dissapointed in myself. i always feel like i could and should be so much more for them. but my heart just hasn't been in it. as much as i love these precious kids... instead of loving this opportunity, its felt more like a burden.

in so many ways, our tiny church is growing and changing, and with that, there are bound to be bumps in the road. when our pastors wife came to me, asking if I'd take this roll, i was honored and excited about the possibilities. but weeks later, i feel very much left out of the loop. i'm dissapointed that I'M not getting *fed*. and what i thought was to be a small group with younger kids has manifested into a 10 year age range. rather than someone volunteering for nursery duty, i've got them all. and not only am i struggling with the creativity it takes to manage that but the energy as well. know i could speak up but thats a hard thing on my pride. i don't want to have a helper. i don't want to admit defeat. and again, i don't want to disspoint. they've said they'll get me a key....they'll move the copier over to my room, but have yet to do it. so i'm stuck with bringing everything with me as i'm not able to fully prepare beforehand. and going to kinkos to make copies every saturday, cuz my printers out of ink and thats cheaper than buying a new cartridge.

i don't think i've ever FELT like i was in my 30's until these last few months. i have all these aches and pains, deep in my joints. there are many, many nights that i'm in so much pain i cry myself to sleep or take a walmart sleeping pill just to get away from the pain. it takes me back instantly to my junior year in high school. every joint hurt and not only was it painful physically but emotionally as well, feeling that i wasn't being taken seriously. even when mom doubted me, she was there for me. trouble is, i don't get that priviledge now. I'M the mom and i have to work and i can't just lay down. and insurance or not, going to the doctor just terrifies me. i don't want to think there's something seriously wrong with me. and worse, i don't want to go and have them look at me and just say, no you're fine. youre' just old and fat. welcome to your 30's. you've officially arrived.

suck it up. preferably before your 40's.

i thought alot about ray today. and from jason's quietness, i know he has too. i wish he'd talk about him with me. but maybe its just too fresh. maybe i shouldn't push him. i thought about linda. i wondered if today was hard for her. she lives right next door. i should have walked over to visit with her. but i didn't. i thought about my birth dad today. i wondered if he ever feels regret. i talked with my REAL dad today. i thought about all the stuff i wished i'd have done more with him, growing up. i thought about all the things i wish i could say to him now but it just never seems the right time....i told him i loved him and wanted him to know how much. in typical dad style he said, "you bet". :)

this was my favorite kitten out of the bunch. the tiniest. mischievious. even tho we said from the very beginning that bella could just keep one, secretly this was my favorite. bella nicknamed her precious for the time being and she has been just that. as i watch her faint breathing, i can't help but wish for a miracle...that she'd stretch and yawn and jump up to play. and at the same time, it breaks my heart and i wish God would just hug her up with him.

i find it fitting that bella called her precious. our time here is so fleeting. and time we have together, more precious than all the money in the world. i've tried to be strong for bella and jason tonite, jumping into mom mode, the minute jason cried out for me to come help him. i cleaned her and wrapped her up. i comforted, i prayed, i wiped away tears on both of my sweethearts faces.... and all the while a million thoughts rushing thru my mind. its MY fault. if' i'd have just not put it off, i would've got the mama, Zoe fixed so we'd neverd have had kittens to begin with. i should've kept them in the bathroom instead of letting them have free range in the kitchen where they're underfoot. it could have just as easily happened to me last nite while i was making cupcakes. jason shoud've turned the light on. he should quit smoking anyway. i should've found them all homes by now. why did it have to be HER. and even as i tell jason he can't, i think of all the woulda-coulda-shouldas.

i can't bare to go to bed. i don't want her to be alone.

life is so painful sometimes. and i don't understand the meaning or the lesson in this. i think about all the awful horrible moments in my life. the ones that didn't make sense and the ones that did. and as i kiss her tiny little head, i can't help but think that thru it all, God does the same for each of us. even in those moments we feel so alone. He kisses our heads and tells us He loves us. that we're so very precious. that tho this is hard, he's right here with us & He's not going anywhere tonite.