phillip larue has a song coming out that i love. i played it over and over this morning while driving to meet up with a friend and apply for a coordinator position in a nursing home that i'm really hoping to land.
its called "running so long".
i'm so thankful for the internet some days. i think, at times, we can feel so very much alone. its an unparalleled blessing to have this format where we can voice our innermost fears and questions and concerns, even joys, and somehow, across the abyss of life and circumstances and a myriad of faceless people, be heard.
i've had this little blip on the map for just over a year now. i blogged yesterday, wondering if it had become my crutch, yet today lean towards saving grace. sometimes i think God places us in a position where we need abit of a crutch to help hold us up when maybe we're not doing so great on our own. when its hard to keep the faith in unseenand believe that we're worthy; that we're enough.
your comments always mean so much to me. i started this page at such a harsh time in my life. it was, in every sense of the word, my hearts-cry. and your kind thoughts and words thru the last year have been such a god-send. such an encouragement. i love you for that.
and you're right. we ARE enough. even when we don't feel like it ~ scratch that ~ especially when we don't feel like it. and always.
i managed to sneak away to church a couple sundays ago...the first time i'd been able to in nearly 2 months. for one reason after another, i just hadn't been able to break away from work with one of my girls. even this time was a struggle, and we nearly didn't make it. Flow and I settled in to the service with a guest speaker, and while the message wasn't really anything spectacular or earth shattering ~ the title was "certainty"~ it served its purpose in a very poignant way when he began to wrap up.
He pointed out that there was a small black piece of paper in the chair in front of everyone, with a pencil. He then asked that we place all of our angst, our imagined failures, our spectacular disasters, our screw-ups, our indiscretions into 3 words:
i am forgiven.
he reminded us that we are always enough; that we're never too far gone. that no matter the situation; no matter the worlds' opinion; no matter whats beating us down, that those 3 words are always an absolute. that whole "as far as the east is from the west" thing is true. and then he asked us to rip up our paper and let the pieces fall at our feet.
it was very meaningful to me... something i struggled with in repeatedly in counseling and still wrestle today. i want to believe i'm forgiven; i'm not at fault; i can lay it down. i can move on. but i inevitably always take my backpack back. as tho i'm not really sure if any of that is true.
sometimes, i feel like i'm raining on the inside. and i find i'm so uncertain of this person i am and who i'm supposed to be.
jason saw k at work. they've had their 4th ~ a boy. he and jason talked briefly and in parting, k said "we've been praying for you". when he told me,i quietly took it in. i wanted to take him at face value; wanted to believe he meant it. but after all this time, i find that i still spew venom when i speak his name.
i think there is a huge gaping wound that i carry with me somehow wherever i go. made that much deeper and bitter with a closure that will never fully come, but that i somehow have to get past.
i reactivated my myspace account some time ago. for me, it became the proverbial dangling carrot; in part, due to her mothers concern. in part, due to my own morbid curiosity and dare i say, hope. i wanted to prove that rather than shut that door, i was no longer afraid. that i was willing to push it wide open.
and all this time has gone by, with nothing. every effort i made felt cheap or thwarted.
and then, today, there was candace. in a multitude of snapshots and bright, cheery entries. and i am flooded with grief. at this and so much more.
i ran across a poem that k wrote a little over a year ago:
I AM LEGEND,
IN MY OWN TIME.
USING MY WORDS,
IN PHRASES AND RHYMES.
THE ONES WHO KNOW ME,
LOVE ME OR HATE.
THERES NO MIDDLE GROUND,
MAKE A CHOICE, WHY WAIT.
I AM,
WHO I AM.
I AM,
WHAT I AM.
I CAN BE NO MORE,
I CAN BE NO LESS.
LIVINNG MY LIFE,
THROUGH LOVE AND STRESS.
THE PATH I WALK,
IS MINE ALONE.
LEADING ME,
TO AN ETERNAL HOME.
A HOME OF GRACE,
OR A HOME OF FIRE.
A LIFE OF TRUTH,
OR A LIFE OF DESIRE.
WHICH I CHOOSE,
IS UP TO ME.
THE FUTURE OF MINE,
IM YET TO SEE.
I LIVE MY LIFE,
THE WAY I CHOOSE.
EACH CHOICE MINE,
WIN OR LOSE.
I MAKE MY DECISION,
I MAKE MY MIND.
NOT WANTING TO FAST FORWARD,
UNABLE TO REWIND.
I LIVE MY LIFE,
AS BEST I CAN.
IM NOT IMMORTAL,
IM MEERLY A MAN.
his words. his choice to rip my life apart. his cry for help?
i go back to that day. and then the anger and the tears. and the years gone by. i go back to that moment in walmart. was he really sorry. did i really forgive.
and i know that we all deserve grace and forgiveness. but i feel as tho these last few years, every time i've struggled to stand back up, God has continuously allowed me to be pushed back down. there are times when i can't see His face. is He looking at me or has He turned away, because this is what i need, right now.
all i understand is that i've felt so unsettled. so unhappy, lately. and i need it to go away.
some days, i just get a little tired of the rain.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Tired
Lately, whenever I stop in around here, I feel very much at a loss for words. I wish I were one of those great blogging moms that can quip with the best of 'em while homeschooling 6 kids and whipping up a perfect souffle with the quickness. but i'm not any of those things. and after the past few months, I find myself tired, and so unsure of so many things right now.
Should i keep this cell phone and step up into the here and now or should i keep my tried and true ways. Internet usage would be available but altered. But has that been my crutch or a saving grace...
Work has been unbearable and for reasons I will never understand....
The school decision is only a month away....
I'm left out in the open and feeling far less than stellar, lemme tell ya. The depression dogs are barking at my heels with my first migraine in months. God, if you have a minute....its me again, margaret.
Should i keep this cell phone and step up into the here and now or should i keep my tried and true ways. Internet usage would be available but altered. But has that been my crutch or a saving grace...
Work has been unbearable and for reasons I will never understand....
The school decision is only a month away....
I'm left out in the open and feeling far less than stellar, lemme tell ya. The depression dogs are barking at my heels with my first migraine in months. God, if you have a minute....its me again, margaret.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Technologically inept?
i'm currently blogging from the new instinct phone. I'd be lying if i told you this wasn't just abit weird. Welcome to 2009.
Monday, March 16, 2009
on motherhood and occasionally getting it right
sometimes i feel like i fail miserably at this mom thing. i see all my inadequacies and i'm tempted to just curl up in the fetal position and suck my thumb. and then, every now and then, i catch little snippets of inspiration that make me feel like maybe i'm doing just fine for where we're at.
due to our transition into year-round school this past summer, holidays and fall/spring breaks last much longer. this is bella's 3rd & final week of spring break. in years past, bella would have been farmed out to every available family member remotely capable of 'sitting for us while we did the work thing. so for the time being, while i may not adore my current & very hectic weekend schedule, it does afford me time with bella when i might otherwise not have been so lucky. we've had so much fun these past couple of weeks...i almost hate to lose her back to school next monday.
while i was at work on friday, week before last, jason took bella to the hands on museum for a fun, allbeit mass, playdate and a viewing of "beverly hills chihuahua". you know my usual aversion to such flicks, but they'd both enjoyed it and she's been after me to rent it. (p.s. it is a cute story) and while scanning the redbox screen the other day, another movie caught my eye as well, so with a quick click, we were on our way.
the movie, was "the boy in the striped pajamas", based on the novel by john boyne. maybe you've read it, maybe you haven't. i'm always a day late and a dollar short, so don't even recall trailers for the movie. the book itself, is heart-wrenching, and had immediately piqued my interest, as it follows a period in our history that is very near and dear to my heart. i thought it was beautifully written and i was ecstatic to learn they'd translated it to the screen. it was listed in the family section so i expected a lighter touch, similar to that of "kit kittredge"
in our history and even still, in present day, the testimonies that amaze me the most, that make God that much more real to me, are those of people that have overcome absolute tragedy and loss. the human condition.
i have always been fascinated by the holocaust. as a girl, i poured over the stories. i read books, like the diary of anne frank and corrie ten boom. later, i wept, watching schindlers list. and for all the things my first husband wasn't, he was the son of a very jewish woman and i learned so much, from her stories, as well.
i may not ever be one of those great moms that keeps their kids abreast of all the latest goings-on in the world around us. but i am passionate about teaching bella our history. its important to me that she retains a happy mix of a well-adjusted childhood and a sage old soul that reaches out for the less fortunate, the hurting, the forgotten. because for me, seeing is believing and life-changing. getting your hands dirty is imperative. and making a difference, no matter how big or small, serves such a purpose.
maybe thats a little bit controversial. i certainly fall on my face alot, tripping over my good intentions. i walk this thin line of wanting to shield her innocence, yet make her aware that the world is not always what it seems. that some things we'll never understand, and will never seem fair. and how important things like hope and perseverance really are.
before we sat down to watch the movie, we had an in-depth conversation about the holocaust and what ultimately happened to thousands of innocent people. bella was full of questions and i was more than happy to discuss them with her. but i was unprepared for the impact the movie would have on her. the outpouring of emotion and the opportunity to really talk about some pretty heavy stuff.
can i just say, the movie is painfully beautiful. your heart literally aches for the innocence lost. any violence is delicately eluded to, never directly shown, yet as adults, the reality is in your face. i think children are really able to empathize with what the main character, an 8 year old german boy, is experiencing. and my hat goes off to the director.
while i can't tell you if your child is ready to experience this movie,i can say it was the right time for bella, and i do encourage you to check it out, regardless.
due to our transition into year-round school this past summer, holidays and fall/spring breaks last much longer. this is bella's 3rd & final week of spring break. in years past, bella would have been farmed out to every available family member remotely capable of 'sitting for us while we did the work thing. so for the time being, while i may not adore my current & very hectic weekend schedule, it does afford me time with bella when i might otherwise not have been so lucky. we've had so much fun these past couple of weeks...i almost hate to lose her back to school next monday.
while i was at work on friday, week before last, jason took bella to the hands on museum for a fun, allbeit mass, playdate and a viewing of "beverly hills chihuahua". you know my usual aversion to such flicks, but they'd both enjoyed it and she's been after me to rent it. (p.s. it is a cute story) and while scanning the redbox screen the other day, another movie caught my eye as well, so with a quick click, we were on our way.
the movie, was "the boy in the striped pajamas", based on the novel by john boyne. maybe you've read it, maybe you haven't. i'm always a day late and a dollar short, so don't even recall trailers for the movie. the book itself, is heart-wrenching, and had immediately piqued my interest, as it follows a period in our history that is very near and dear to my heart. i thought it was beautifully written and i was ecstatic to learn they'd translated it to the screen. it was listed in the family section so i expected a lighter touch, similar to that of "kit kittredge"
in our history and even still, in present day, the testimonies that amaze me the most, that make God that much more real to me, are those of people that have overcome absolute tragedy and loss. the human condition.
i have always been fascinated by the holocaust. as a girl, i poured over the stories. i read books, like the diary of anne frank and corrie ten boom. later, i wept, watching schindlers list. and for all the things my first husband wasn't, he was the son of a very jewish woman and i learned so much, from her stories, as well.
i may not ever be one of those great moms that keeps their kids abreast of all the latest goings-on in the world around us. but i am passionate about teaching bella our history. its important to me that she retains a happy mix of a well-adjusted childhood and a sage old soul that reaches out for the less fortunate, the hurting, the forgotten. because for me, seeing is believing and life-changing. getting your hands dirty is imperative. and making a difference, no matter how big or small, serves such a purpose.
maybe thats a little bit controversial. i certainly fall on my face alot, tripping over my good intentions. i walk this thin line of wanting to shield her innocence, yet make her aware that the world is not always what it seems. that some things we'll never understand, and will never seem fair. and how important things like hope and perseverance really are.
before we sat down to watch the movie, we had an in-depth conversation about the holocaust and what ultimately happened to thousands of innocent people. bella was full of questions and i was more than happy to discuss them with her. but i was unprepared for the impact the movie would have on her. the outpouring of emotion and the opportunity to really talk about some pretty heavy stuff.
can i just say, the movie is painfully beautiful. your heart literally aches for the innocence lost. any violence is delicately eluded to, never directly shown, yet as adults, the reality is in your face. i think children are really able to empathize with what the main character, an 8 year old german boy, is experiencing. and my hat goes off to the director.
while i can't tell you if your child is ready to experience this movie,i can say it was the right time for bella, and i do encourage you to check it out, regardless.
Monday, March 9, 2009
2 posts in one day?
there are countless sites that never cease to inspire and amaze me with their honest writing and links to windows that open up my world. such beautiful stories.... i thought i'd share just a couple this morning.
aaron from arms wide open introduced me to
nick vujicic
and jen lemen introduced me to chris abani
aaron from arms wide open introduced me to
nick vujicic
and jen lemen introduced me to chris abani
on procrastinating
do you ever do this....have some enormoid decision looming over your head like the goodyear blimp, yet blithely ignore the huge shady area over your head in the name of "i'm too busy to deal with this"?
me too. i blame it on the time change.
jason spent the weekend building his loft in our long desired and highly anticipated storage building/workshop, finally delivered last week. bella landed a coveted part and solo in her MusicMakers class on Sunday. my sister wrote a beautiful piece of work.
me? i went thru the motions at work: bathing, cooking, cleaning for ebb and flow, all the while struggling with the age old question: why am i not content. i'm too old for this, this uncertain, angst-filled feeling.
and, why do the wires on our underwires always bust loose while we're on the job.
curse my boobs.
aaaaand, how do i help jason officially quit smoking.taxes have gone up $1.50 a pack. time to switch to beef jerky.
for all intents and purposes, my life is good. i mean, hello fuzzy, i've made it thru addictions, divorce, childbirth, bankruptcy. rape. i'm strong. built ford tough or some such thing. and my bras are currently 25% off. you know, if i needed a new one or anything.
so why am i so off-kilter. why do i feel so out in left field. and why am i so thin-skinned for all my bravado. i notice i'm no longer listed on an admired fellow bloggers site and my instant knee jerk reaction is, "oh no! they've kicked me off the cool kids table. what have i done wrong. its because i've posted so sporadically over the past several months, isn't it. i haven't kept up; i haven't commented. my writing lacks substance. quick! whats a topic!" i think i'm so tough, when really i'm just gooey-filled and desperately seeking approval and acceptance. that i still do this after all these years borders on exasperating, my friends.
what if this is as good as it gets.... not half bad, yah? so why do i consistently daydream about the future and what could or should be so much better than right here, right now. what should i be doing differently, where am i going to be at, a year from now.
the truth? i'm gonna come clean. i think i'm having a really hard time with my life being uncharacteristically normal, right now. i know.... how life altering, right? the thing is, i think the control freak in me is dying a slow, painful death, grasping at straws. and i feel sorry for her. rather than concentrate on the good in my current work, i focus on all the negative crap that goes along with it and i've become a serial job hunter. its true. i'll scan the want ads, apply, interview, and then,once hired, find some reason why that position would never work for me. i went to another interview this morning. similar work to what i do now. i was confident; self-assured. i aced the interview. they liked, nay, loved me. but will i take the job? probably not. instead, i will most likely delicately turn it down whilst i secretly covet the stay-at-home mom gig that has always eluded me and try not to be really, really mad at jason for not being some rich doctor/plumber/IT kind of guy.
i don't want to think about letting go. i don't want to make a decision about going back to school or how long i can last, keeping this kind of a work schedule. i don't want to have to face anything, right now because that would be facing something. and for all that not thinking, i'm doing a little too much thinking. my argument last night on the whole school decision?
moi: if i don't go back to school, how will we ever make it to places like hawaii. or seattle.
hubsand: well, there's always the stimulus package.
do you see what i have to live with around here?
anyway. i guess if you see me not thinking around these parts, give me a shout out and keep me in line, no?
me too. i blame it on the time change.
jason spent the weekend building his loft in our long desired and highly anticipated storage building/workshop, finally delivered last week. bella landed a coveted part and solo in her MusicMakers class on Sunday. my sister wrote a beautiful piece of work.
me? i went thru the motions at work: bathing, cooking, cleaning for ebb and flow, all the while struggling with the age old question: why am i not content. i'm too old for this, this uncertain, angst-filled feeling.
and, why do the wires on our underwires always bust loose while we're on the job.
curse my boobs.
aaaaand, how do i help jason officially quit smoking.taxes have gone up $1.50 a pack. time to switch to beef jerky.
for all intents and purposes, my life is good. i mean, hello fuzzy, i've made it thru addictions, divorce, childbirth, bankruptcy. rape. i'm strong. built ford tough or some such thing. and my bras are currently 25% off. you know, if i needed a new one or anything.
so why am i so off-kilter. why do i feel so out in left field. and why am i so thin-skinned for all my bravado. i notice i'm no longer listed on an admired fellow bloggers site and my instant knee jerk reaction is, "oh no! they've kicked me off the cool kids table. what have i done wrong. its because i've posted so sporadically over the past several months, isn't it. i haven't kept up; i haven't commented. my writing lacks substance. quick! whats a topic!" i think i'm so tough, when really i'm just gooey-filled and desperately seeking approval and acceptance. that i still do this after all these years borders on exasperating, my friends.
what if this is as good as it gets.... not half bad, yah? so why do i consistently daydream about the future and what could or should be so much better than right here, right now. what should i be doing differently, where am i going to be at, a year from now.
the truth? i'm gonna come clean. i think i'm having a really hard time with my life being uncharacteristically normal, right now. i know.... how life altering, right? the thing is, i think the control freak in me is dying a slow, painful death, grasping at straws. and i feel sorry for her. rather than concentrate on the good in my current work, i focus on all the negative crap that goes along with it and i've become a serial job hunter. its true. i'll scan the want ads, apply, interview, and then,once hired, find some reason why that position would never work for me. i went to another interview this morning. similar work to what i do now. i was confident; self-assured. i aced the interview. they liked, nay, loved me. but will i take the job? probably not. instead, i will most likely delicately turn it down whilst i secretly covet the stay-at-home mom gig that has always eluded me and try not to be really, really mad at jason for not being some rich doctor/plumber/IT kind of guy.
i don't want to think about letting go. i don't want to make a decision about going back to school or how long i can last, keeping this kind of a work schedule. i don't want to have to face anything, right now because that would be facing something. and for all that not thinking, i'm doing a little too much thinking. my argument last night on the whole school decision?
moi: if i don't go back to school, how will we ever make it to places like hawaii. or seattle.
hubsand: well, there's always the stimulus package.
do you see what i have to live with around here?
anyway. i guess if you see me not thinking around these parts, give me a shout out and keep me in line, no?
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
fireproof
today i was cleaning out my archives... organizing my favorite web journals and haunts...getting my ducks in a row. i've been so out of the loop lately, with the past few months a whirlwind of events, verging on staggering, yea, even epic, proportions. my daily blog check-list has gone unchecked for much too long. i dropped in on a particular journal i'd let slide and was disheartened to learn of his passing in december. stefs writing...his very legacy will humble you, and i encourage you to read his story, then stop by his wifes' page. lend your encouragement. and please keep them in your thoughts and prayers. i cannot imagine the loss their family is trying to sort through, and the strength that keeps them going.
it sobers me. 'makes me realize how simple my *complex issues* really are.
bella is out on spring break for the next 3 weeks. so far we've been off to a good start with girls day out, trying out new recipes, gratuitous movie watching and later today, a trip to ye old dollar store for supplies to make our sure-to-be-rad-fad flower power hairbows, just in time for spring, should she ever decide to arrive.
i attended orientation on monday, and sandwiched between 85 other hopeful nursing students, i tried not to hyperventilate while straining to process the greek that is 22 pages of required memorization by the beginning of may. 175 medical abbreviations. the 19 medical specialties and their defining curriculum. 143 suffix/prefix roots. they started talking about clinical requirements and my eyes started to glaze over.
what i'm struggling with the most, is wondering which direction i take right now. if ever there were a fork in the road...
the logical portion of my brain tells me i'm incredibly blessed for the opportunity; the financial aid, to go back to school when so many others can't. that i should think of the long-run; the benefits. but the softer, squishier side screams "don't do it. money's great. but your daughters' another year older; you're sacrificing yet another year of your life. 7 days a week, full-on, between work and school. think of the stress of the past few years. do you really want to go back there...."
and the truth is, noone can answer this one for me. if my heart were a hundred percent in this, jason would be passionately supportive. but he sees my internal conflict and the caveman/i-should-be-the-sole-provider in him hesitates. we watched "fireproof" the other night. and while i have some valid aggravation with the over-acting, the story is lovely. and the purpose it sets out to address, is delivered. a marriage in crisis, a sexual addiction, the empty spaces, the chasm that is created when we drift apart.
with this said, there is a sacrifice in anything great. but i question, sometimes, if the sacrifice itself is too great.
for what you gain, what have you lost.
and so i feel as tho i'm merely going thru the motions right now. attend orientation/check. have immunization records faxed/check. schedule physical/check. confirm financial aid per term/check.
dread/fear/wonder/worry/pray?
check.
it sobers me. 'makes me realize how simple my *complex issues* really are.
bella is out on spring break for the next 3 weeks. so far we've been off to a good start with girls day out, trying out new recipes, gratuitous movie watching and later today, a trip to ye old dollar store for supplies to make our sure-to-be-rad-fad flower power hairbows, just in time for spring, should she ever decide to arrive.
i attended orientation on monday, and sandwiched between 85 other hopeful nursing students, i tried not to hyperventilate while straining to process the greek that is 22 pages of required memorization by the beginning of may. 175 medical abbreviations. the 19 medical specialties and their defining curriculum. 143 suffix/prefix roots. they started talking about clinical requirements and my eyes started to glaze over.
what i'm struggling with the most, is wondering which direction i take right now. if ever there were a fork in the road...
the logical portion of my brain tells me i'm incredibly blessed for the opportunity; the financial aid, to go back to school when so many others can't. that i should think of the long-run; the benefits. but the softer, squishier side screams "don't do it. money's great. but your daughters' another year older; you're sacrificing yet another year of your life. 7 days a week, full-on, between work and school. think of the stress of the past few years. do you really want to go back there...."
and the truth is, noone can answer this one for me. if my heart were a hundred percent in this, jason would be passionately supportive. but he sees my internal conflict and the caveman/i-should-be-the-sole-provider in him hesitates. we watched "fireproof" the other night. and while i have some valid aggravation with the over-acting, the story is lovely. and the purpose it sets out to address, is delivered. a marriage in crisis, a sexual addiction, the empty spaces, the chasm that is created when we drift apart.
with this said, there is a sacrifice in anything great. but i question, sometimes, if the sacrifice itself is too great.
for what you gain, what have you lost.
and so i feel as tho i'm merely going thru the motions right now. attend orientation/check. have immunization records faxed/check. schedule physical/check. confirm financial aid per term/check.
dread/fear/wonder/worry/pray?
check.
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