birthdays of the holiday variety

favorite quote overheard by a friend that celebrates her birthday on christmas eve:


"yah, i celebrate my birthday with jesus. and wouldn't ya know it, he gets all the hooplah. "


tuesday was the big 33 for me. and tho several kind folks called to sing in my ear, i spent a large portion of the day just a little dumpy. no real particular reason, really. tho busy, i can honestly say this holiday season that i'm happy. tho presents are nice, its never just about what you give or get. i've not yet reached the lying about my age, stage, and as i gave myself permission to linger just a little longer in bed, i admonished my droopy mood with a "you have so much to be thankful for" pep-talk.


usually, i'm that ginormous kid at heart that starts announcing the birthday countdown at day 1 in december. but the fanfare and fun i used to look forward to as a child, somehow doesn't seem to follow you thru adulthood. i think the doldrums were present more-so because i was alone and really didn't know what to do with myself. i thought maybe jason had forgot as i listened to him rustling around in the dark, getting ready for work. then he plopped down beside me on the bed and planted a kiss on my forehead with a rousing rendition of "happy, happy birthday baby". after curling bella's hair for school, she dissapeared in her room and emerged with a homemade card ~ so sweet.


my sister and mom and mother in law called. i went about my day, marking things off my list as i went, and lunch-time found me treating myself to a whopper jr at burger king. i was pitifully envisioning getting home and lighting a birthday candle on top as i pulled up to the pay window and a very chipper clerk asked me how i was doing. i replied with a benign "good. and you?" and he grinned this huge grin, ear-to-ear, spreading his arms wide, and said,


"on top of the world. on top of the world."


something about that made me chuckle, and i drove off, smiling ~ my mood lighter. i picked bella up from school and soon jason was home as well, and we headed off to go visit a good friend and her fiance' and mother, who'd wanted us to drop by before christmas. i'd got/made them all presents and tho a little humble, i was proud of them. it was to be a quick trip and whatever blues may have still been lingering, quickly dissipated as we were greeted at the door with hugs and good conversation, complimented by mugs of coffee with creme brulee, a delightfully unexpected spaghetti dinner, and then lovely, unexpected presents to top it all off, with arms loaded down with tin upon tin of candies and cookies and fudge as we made our goodbyes.


we came home and practiced for bellas play after opening jason and bella's beautiful baby poinsettia they'd hid away, and my herring in wine sauce that i love so much. and then jason and i snuggled in on the couch to watch the finale of "the biggest loser".


it was a beautiful day. and i have to admit, when i snuggled down in bed that night, i felt on top of the world, myself.


today, i'm wrapping up loose ends. finalizing travel arrangements, making my lists and checking them twice. finishing up laundry, getting the house in order, and packing. my hemming and crafty ventures are officially finished, with my sewing machine put up nicely on the shelf. i can finally see my kitchen counters again! bella's school play was yesterday, marking the end to her stage ventures until the new year, but with no video to show for it, as i managed to do something to the video camera. i finally took that pregnancy test i've been hanging on to dear life. and tho my symptoms are still mysteriously very much there, a baby, evidently, is not.

tomorrow, we're off. on a wink and a prayer, with good thoughts for weather to hold ~ at least til we get thru chicago. and with any luck and many, many miracles, my husband and daughter will be experiencing the true meaning of midwestern cold ,and giving out hugs to my family tomorrow night.

i'm so excited. barring delays and lay-overs and weather, i'm so looking forward to christmas this year. we'll be gone a nice little while so i might be scarce around these parts for abit.

but i hope for you that your christmas is truly blessed. that you're able to sit and relax and digest the beauty and miracle of it all. so here's me sending you love and giving you each a christmas squench.

merry christmas, my friends.

good gravy, grab some joy

i know you all love gladys just as much as the next guy or gal. aaron from arms wide open posted this little jewel so i had to copy-kat.

i sat down for a few minutes mid-stride this morning, to catch up with some blogland friends and grab a little soul refreshment. i read something that made me chuckle, over there at still his girl. it was all about how we tend to forget that one meaningful little phrase associated with Christmas. a little thing called *peace on earth*.

what? peace?!? hmmmm.

pay close attention to 3:57. love jesus and grab ya a drink or 2 of some joy.

100 posts a blur

i always tell myself that this year, the holidays will be different. no frantic antics. no losing control or even a hint of my precious sanity. that i will float gracefully with ease into the sunset of christmas eve.

snort.

here i sit. my house is chaos. there are so many things to do and not nearly the time, the energy, the oomph. things to plan! things to do! things to be finished! my devotions have fallen by the way-side. i can't keep up with blogs or emails. photos need to be developed; christmas cards sent. i have a stack of snowmen waiting to be stuffed. laundry is threatening to overflow into the kitchen. i have yet to hem my jeans and i haven't practiced bella's lines for the christmas play with her nearly enough. cans for the food-drive need to go to the library. a toy to the church for the giving depot. jasons' car is in the shop with a yet-to-be-decided price tag on repairs, and he'd borrowed his dads truck for the time-being, which is now in the shop itself, after a lovely law-abiding citizen decided to throw a cinder block thru the window to steal some tools.

and still, there is that pregnant pause, waiting for just that right moment to pee on the stick.

with each passing day, i do this mental checklist and i find that i am far from basking in the peace and joy of the season.

reminding myself to breathe is helpful. as is remembering to take a moment to be still. and be thankful for Gods blessings in all of this. if i've not got back to you or i'm a little quiet these days, i'm sorry. but i still love you all. and i hope you're remembering to snatch those quiet moments when you can.

in the interim, here's the funny

lovely baby bumps

my sister told me the other day that she marks my progress by my lack of posting, and i had to admit that tho i hadn't really looked at it that way, it was true. often, when i find my mind busy and my heart hopeful, my computer time goes by the way-side.

the marked difference nowadays, is that when i come to a place of feeling somewhat guilty at not writing, i put myself in check and question my status: am i really ok? or am i avoiding? not long ago, i began embarking upon the story of my very personal struggle on a private journal, only to abruptly come to a stand-still. but i'm choosing to let that guilt go. i came to a really painful dip in the valley, so to speak, and i don't think there's harm in a time-out, from time to time. it will be there waiting for me, when the time comes.

i'm happy to say that right now, my absence has nothing to do with avoidance and everything to do with a busy holiday season in full swing. i may not post as much, but i promise i'm not layed up under the covers with the curtains drawn. i'm busy with work and shopping and preparing and practicing lines and running to rehearsals and doing crafty-type things, my sewing machine humming away or fingers calloused from stuffing.

last year at this time, i was in a painfully different place. so this? feels good.

i spent this morning in the hospital with flow. a routine test in her life is an all-out event. sensory reaction goes into overdrive. she is scared and away from her comfort zone, add to that the many medical professionals that walk in unprepared to deal with someone like her and it makes for quite the ordeal. and tho i've for the most part been removed from her day-to-day schedule, i wasn't surprised when i got the phone-call asking if i could be there with her today.

jason was irritated that i'd even consider it, after the way my position has been handled. and i could see where he was coming from. i see their request for what it is. to take something/someone, off their hands. its what they always do, when under the crunch. and i must be on speed-dial. but then i think of flow ~ scared and alone ~ and that's all it takes for me to say yes. i may not be much at times, but for some unknown reason, i am a comfort in her life. and i'm happy to be so.

the last few nights have been strange. tuesday, especially. i didn't sleep well. i kept waking up, having to pee. and then i woke up at like 2 in the morning and was convinced if i didn't eat saltine crackers i would most certainly vomit or die. i wasn't exactly sure if it was the breakfast for supper thing that my husband lovingly prepared since i was all depressed about my failed photo shoot and sucky mom skills. you know... too much sausage before bedtime.... or if it was that i chose to uncharacteristically take my vitamins before hitting the hay.

i have this weird relationship with things containing the connotation; yea the insinuation of the word *healthy* in my life. vitamins being one of them. after years of being nonchalant (read: ignorant) about my health and the lack thereof, tho with good reason, considering my childhood illnesses, and the then onslaught of every upper respiratory infection this side of the equator, combined with my dad eventually suggesting this immune supplement/power vitamin combo, that for me, was like discovering the holy grail, i find that i now break into a cold sweat and panic if my daily regimine is interrupted.

which, as it would happen, tends to happen often, in my world. i have the best ideas. seriously. talk to my parents about the plastic squeeze bottle phenomenon. oh, they're feeling it now. it all could've been ours....this squeeze bottle empire. but no.

anyway. so the ideas are grand. sadly, i fail in the execution. i'm a procrastinator. also, i lack basic skills. such as, i dunno, how to actually do something. i'm as loony as a bat and forgetful to boot. i like to think that tapeworm i swallowed to eat my food for me and make me a skinny minnie, took a detour up to my brain, where slowly, he sucks the ooze out of what was once, i'm sure, unparalleled intelligence and excellence.


i'm kidding. i'm kidding.


there was never any real evidence of intelligence...

so vitamins! all that said, i hate vitamins. i cannot smell them or i will gag. also, i cannot simply take them with water. so i take them in really cold milk. or yogurt. which is an acquired taste all in and of itself, my friends.


i hate taking them, worse. so i experiment with different times. i dunno. it never really works. but it keeps me occupied.


so i took them before bed and we were laying there with the dvr on pause because i totally interrupted "dirty jobs" to tell jason about this cute husband meme i'd seen on one of my favorite blogs and then, as i do, managed to beat the subject to death. but it was fun for awhile. jason actually appears to know far more about me than i about him. at any rate, we finally got bored and ran out of off-beat, random questions to ask eachother and went to sleep.


so by the 3rd time i got up to pee, i was all, this is just a bummer. i found myself snacking on saltines, which i hate and had only brought into my house in the first place, under the thinly veiled premise/intention of making cracker candy for christmas.


but then it hit me. i was all, dare i hope? could it be? nooooooo. i mentally calculated things in my head. i had that month long period in august, and then.....

it was all too surreal, because for the past couple months, jason has been talking alot about babies. as in, we should have another one. to which my reply is, bring it. the odds are against us for a myriad of reasons but we've not been doing anything in the lines of prevention for years now. i've always kind of just figured if it was meant to be, God would see to it.


in times past, i'd get all excited and then totally depressed when it turned out not to be. and losing 2 babies was so hard. so i've tried to just let it go.


we'd been talking about what we wanted for christmas and in all honesty, we could think of nothing. which was awesome. and very freeing. the thought that all that glitters is not gold.
i'd like to help out people less fortunate. and sure, we'd love a wii. and then there are the logical, needed things we put on the back burner. like a transmission for my neon. or jason getting a partial for his upper plate. money and life and things are far from perfection. the economy sucks right now. jobs are possibly on the line.


but it felt really good to say that we're happy. and content. that we're beyond grateful for all the incredible, awesome, mind-blowing blessings that have just literally been poured out on us this year. and that, after all that, anything else, really just pales in comparison. when i think of where i myself was, a year ago, i'm just beyond words.


today, right now, we have our jobs. we have a roof over our heads. we have cars that get us where we're going. due to an ungodly 9 hour layover at chicago's airport last february, we have free tickets to go back to NE for the holidays. to see my family. to wrestle and snuggle little nephews. to shop and cook with my sister and mom. to follow in the traditions of my own childhood christmases in years past. with 2 exceptions that are definately credited yet slightly tainted in my memory, due to a massive heart attack and then a massive family argument, respectively, i've not made it back for an actual holiday with all of my family since leaving home. and without divulging my age, thats been a long time, my friends. saying i'm excited is the understatement of the year.


my mom sent some unexpected christmas money early. bella and i got new winter coats. i got my hair done. bella got a pretty christmas dress. jason got new work-boots and thermals.


we don't need anything else.


so we kind of came to the conclusion that a baby (for jason) or a new watch (for me) would be pretty sweet.


so as i crawled back into bed for the 4th time last night, i sleepily patted my tummy and asked God that if i'm really pregnant, our baby will be just right. and then i asked if he could send me a sign. like a *for real* sign. one that i couldn't miss.


kat you're pregnant.


um. yah. yeeeeaaaaaah, that would be cool, something like that...


ok. you are.


i sat bolt up in bed and began an exasperating argument in my head. don't you hate when you can't decipher that still small voice and your own inner dialogue? oh you don't have that problem. well fine then.


all of a sudden, i'm wondering if all the peeing i've been doing is for a reason other than a bladder on crack. usually i'm the one with the industrial strength bladder that can go for hours without a stop. and the dream i had the other night? the one where jason took a 2nd wife because of my inadequacies and i woke up mad as a hornet? ahhh yes. i remember those dreams when i was pregnant with bella. my sisters' call the other day, talking about her friends' daughter whose name is, coincidentally, my all time 2nd favorite name for a girl. and i log onto dooce this morning for the first time in a month, only to discover she is pregnant. i've been sick at my stomach periodically for the past couple of weeks, actually.....


so.


i bought a test.

here goes nothin.

if you only knew....

the blood, sweat and tears it took to get that christmas shot down below.

oi, the agony.

i admit i'm a tad prejudiced. i tend to side with sophie. think my kid is pretty durned cute. and i like to take pictures to prove my point.

once a year, about this time ok, lets face it, usually 3-5 days before christmas, i pick up bella from school and we spend an afternoon primping and curling and generally girly-ing up for the all important Perfect Christmas Shot that will inevitably be talked about for generations and that all the grandparents and aunts and great-aunts and friends and friends of friends are waiting, with baited breath, in tingling anticipation, to receive.

or at least i tell myself this. don't rain on my parade. better yet ~ don't melt my snowman.

in the early years, when my child was golden and naturally photogenic and i thought i had money to roll up and smoke, i'd take her to olan mills. they chopped off an extremity each time for the bill, but boy-howdy was my kid cute. ringlets and halos, my friends. ringlets and halos. as early as 6 months, my little red-headed, blue eyed bundle of energy was perfection for the photographers. sitting so still. holding a pose. smiling so beautiful.

and then, the teen years set in. 'round about kindergarten.

all of a sudden, my perfect little poser would rather eat spinach wrapped liverwurst rolls dipped in rancid goat-cheese, than to sit still and take a picture. i have more photographic evidence of blurs and bottoms than actual face-shots.

my little calvin down there at the bottom of the page making all his little faces? he is my little friend. why? because he reminds me to laugh. because he is my child, personified.

now. usually, i reserve this daunting nightmare task for the privacy of our own home. that way i can muffle the screams. as it turns out, i am evidently a dissatisfied photo-hungry ogre. my daughter, the diva.

and for some unforseen reason, last year, due to a lapse of good sense and mostly to the fact that we didn't actually get a tree til the week before christmas, i got the idea in my brave head, that it would be fun to take pictures at nana & papaws.

due mostly to the fact that they actually had a tree.

which went over like hitler performing a circumcision.

the whole thing ended in frustration and tears. and then there was bella. later, my m-i-l would take it upon herself to inform me that i was a loser (tho she was slightly more delicate) and that i "expected entirely too much out of my child. that rolling around underneath the tree with her rump in the air was perfectly natural, not to mention beautiful. that i should have got the shot. "

this from the woman that took my child in leotards, a santa hat and a *lets get physical* belly-tee to sit on santas lap at the mall.

and no. i will never show you that picture.

as it happens, i'm saving it for my tell-all autobiography when my daughter hits hollywood.

so yeah. i suppose we'll chalk up yesterday to a combination of being high on sinus medication, a mocha moo-latte and/or nothing better to do with my time. i had torture on the brain, my friends.

we'll go with that.

at any rate, i picked bella up from school and convinced her it would be the best, most funnest thing in the whole wide universe, to dress up in her pretty dress and curl her hair and use all manner of ribbons and nail-polish and such, and take: drum roll please, christmas pictures! at nana and papaws!

woohoooooo!!

now. i should tell you that the process leading up to the apocalypse is flawless. absolutely brilliant, for those of our british friends, amongst us. yes, my daughter will be selling mary-kay by 10.

:sob:

she doesn't get it from me. i can barely match my bra to my underwear. my idea of makeup is lipgloss and mascara. i may remember to actually curl my lashes, first. if i'm getting really fancy, i will dig my hot rollers out, circa 1992.

but bella loves the girly stuff. the accessories! the makeup! so she is a dream. right up until the "ready for my closeup". and then we skid 90 miles an hour into a screeching halt, implanting ourselves in the brick wall that is the camera lens.

all i ask is one stinkin' shot, dude. one. stinkin'. shot. i just want to capture one tiny moment of the year older, angelic, adorable child i helped birth.

instead, i spent 30 minutes last night, simultaneously with satans spawn and the devils advocate.

in one brief road-weary, tear-infested, wrinkle-induced, manic- giggling moment last night, loading the 63 shots i took, only 5 of which were acceptable and only 2 of which i'd actually consider, i briefly tossed around the idea of loading them all for you. a slideshow of horrors, if you will. including, yes, yet again, a shot of a bum under the tree, as she broke my perfect pose and dove underneath to grab the kitten.

le sigh.

in my defense, i was being perfectly reasonable. i was determined to make this fun and pressure free. i was not overbearing. i was not expecting too much. i bit my tongue when mid-shoot, nana plopped down a bowl of potato soup, because she "knew all this was making her grandaughter hungry." i gritted my teeth as nana butted in 3 seperate times with her own camera and my daughter gave her the miss america shot then picked her nose for me. i swallowed my lips whole, as nana made little comments about how "all this really wasn't necessary, considering we weren't even going to be here for christmas. "

sensing my frustration kicking into over-drive, she then announced "well. i think i'm done for now." then promptly sat down, lit a cigarette and told bella, "oh honey, just think. someday you'll have a baby of your own and then your mama will finally leave you alone. "

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

you know. its true what they say. about your kids picking your nursing home, i mean.....

making lists and checking them twice

here's to full tummies

i know i've been kinda *mia* around here lately. life has been busy and full of unexpected twist and turns around these parts. but i won't complain. God has blessed my socks off this year. and one day soon, i'll be back by to spin some yarns.

i hope that you spend your thanksgiving with the people that matter most to you. i hope you are warm and taken care of. i hope at the end of your busy day, that you are needed. that you are loved. i hope when you smile at people in passing, that you do so from your heart, so that your eyes light up and they feel it and smile back. i hope you are gracious and in turn, are given grace. i hope you are blessed beyond measure. i hope that you have hope.

love, me.

i had a bad day

i'm so stressed out right now. so forgive me if this seems jumbled. this just feels like the safest place to vent for a few minutes before i need to square my shoulders and get goin'.

its funny...i almost didn't post my entry yesterday. as i was just finishing up loading my pictures, i received 2 phone calls. the first, from my boss, wondering if i could fill in for a coworker. the 2nd, from my landlord, wondering if i could leave the door unlocked today because its that time again for appraisals on all their properties.

both, sent me into a frenzy. i needed to jump in the shower and get to the store in a short amount of time.

when we moved in here, 2 years ago now, we cut a deal on the deposit with the agreement that we would handle the cleanup, the paint and trim, new border, etc... and while we wiped everything else out before we moved in, the master bedroom and kitchen were still in need of border. the bedroom, i'm not worried about as its been an ongoing project and we've had fun with it as we've changed it up several times. the border is painted currently to match our trim.

i've had plenty of time to do the kitchen, but not the $$ and i'm picky ~ i've been holding out for my *dream border* if such a thing exists. and in my world, it does, ok? i don't care that this house is just a rental place. i found the border i fell in love with when i was still living back in nebraska, actually. but i've got a large kitchen and the cheapest i could find, was gonna run me $40 .

i'm anal about my house looking *nice*. i'm a cleaner. especially when i'm stressed. so that, i wasn't worried about. but its been this thorn in my side, all this time, this tacky old border with bright pink flowers and such. its just that every time i've thought i was gonna get a break and that extra $40, something else has come up.

our landlord has been wonderful; very easygoing, laid back kind of guy. but i know these bank people are important to the success of their business and i don't want to let him down. so i dug in the jar we've been saving for our christmas trip and ran out in search of some border that would at least be acceptable. i couldn't believe my luck when i saw signs up at lowes for all their wallpaper/borders discounted. the down-side, i quickly realized, was that much of it had already been picked over. everything i was remotely interested in was sold out or only had bits and pieces of remnants left over. then, in the very last drawer, i saw a beautiful pattern and dug out 3 rolls. they were unpackaged with just the upc written on tape. i figured they'd been used for samples. i needed 4, but the rolls seemed extra thick so i located a salesman & asked if he could measure it for me. he smiled and waved me off, saying each roll was 15 yards. i did a little happy dance in my head and practically ran to the checkout. 3 rolls for less than $10? score.

wrong.

i came home and did a quick assessment, realizing i was gonna have to have jason do the lions share of the job since i had to go into work. i came up 4 feet short.

4 feet short.

i wanted to cry. seriously. but i had no time. i had to make arrangements for someone to pick up bella from school, call the school, get ahold of jason to let him know why the kitchen was tore apart and could he please, please, please save my butt and still get that shower.

by the time i got to work, i was already stressed. and then i was informed that both ebb and flow needed to be to the activity center by 5:30, dressed nicely, to "receive an award at a party". it was pushing it, but we made it work. i got both ladies to the clinic and home for a snack, then changed into pretty dresses for their *party*.

ebb was excited, because in her mind, "party" means 4 things: dancing, cake, potato chips and coke. in that order. for flow, this means lots of hugs and kisses from the boys. when we arrived and rounded the corner to the gymnasium, however, i was met not with a host of our recipients but instead, news crews and people in ties and heels.

i felt about this low.

i don't know when i have felt more inadequate, more embaressed, more angry, over a job. i could not believe that my manager hadn't had the decency to let me in on what was actually going on, and suddenly it all fell into place. this was the reason that my coworker had "called in". and here i am in jeans and a pull-over, tho i guess that was better than scrubs. but here i am, looking, literally, like a deer caught in headlights, as i pose them for picture after picture, wiping drool, smiling for the cameras and praying for rescue, realizing i'm about to be splashed all over the 10 o'clock news.

and if that wasn't bad enough, i then had the daunting task of keeping them quiet, entertained and *appropriate* for the next hour and a half, while we listened to a sleu of suits talk about this great company and what it was founded on and blah-blah-blah. turns out, it was the company's 40th anniversary celebration. not that any of our other employees or clients had been invited. no, that would've been stupid. i mean, after all, employees and the people they take care of are a dime a dozen, right?

nope, it was just a rigid cocktail party for all the rich folks that fund our program as part of their companies charity. the only reason we were there, is because flow is the oldest living client, having been with them for every one of those 40 years. and you know what she got out of the deal? she got to stand up for one nano-second when they mentioned her name. she got to pose for pictures with people that wouldn't even let her hug them when she reached out, and walked away disgusted, afterwards, as tho she'd had leprosy or something.

and ebbs brother was there. he's a member of their stinkin' board. the same guy that hasn't stopped by once, to visit ebb, in the year its been since their mother died. that funeral that i took her to because noone else in her family would. and he stood there and introduced his boss to his sister that was born without eyes, as tho she could see. he stood there reminiscing about their childhood and what a grand gal she is, as she held my hand, not his. and i wanted to throw up.

of all the people there, only 4 had been invited that were developmentally retarded. and as the 4 of them walked out, charlie, one of our oldest downs clients, tripped and fell. he's in his 50's and a little heavy. add to that, his embaressment as he struggled to get back up. there we are, all clustered around him and 6 of those very same suits that mere minutes ago, were up there on stage talking about the importance of this job and what it takes to run a successful business & keep us going, including ebbs brother, walked right past him. without a 2nd glance. without so's much as a "hey, are you ok?"

no. instead, they walked right by, climbing into their big fancy sedans and driving away.

i guess this is my shout-out to all those big suits out there in the world. my open letter to the members of the board, if you will.

why.

why support some cause, why even include your company name, if you're just going to walk away. if by "donating", you're then not required to invest even the slightest part of yourself. these people don't know what i do on a daily basis. they don't visit our classrooms or clinics. they don't stop by our houses on a holiday & take away from their families or lavish lifestyles to visit these little people we support when their own families just discard them on our doorsteps.

it all just makes me so angry. i left there last night, so disillusioned.

and today, i have a monster headache. jason, love his heart, made magic happen with my kitchen border and when i got in about midnight, i stood there and cried.

and now, its time to square those shoulders and get the heck out of dodge. i have a couple short hours to finish up and make myself and the dog and cats scarce for a little while. then i'll get bella from school and i'll go in tonite for my 12 hour overnight shift. cuz thats what i do.

i guess, just, if you happen to think about it, a hug or a prayer or even a mocha frappucino would be greatly appreciated today.

<3

because i got high

courtesy of newland county, north carolina, near linville, this is the view i was greeted with yesterday.

when jason beeped in on my conversation with my sister, tuesday morning, we'd been right in the middle of discussing things like our kids and holiday plans; my hope to switch with a coworker so we could take bella to the annual free day @ the zoo this saturday in knoxville.

he asked me if i wanted the bad news or the worse news. and inwardly, i cringed.




in this grand political season, you've heard alot of talk about things like our *bad economy*. and just here, in our area, where jobs in manufacturing and hard labor are a large source of our general employment, we've seen them hit hard.

jason works at a scrap yard. its hard work. its out in the elements.

recently, they were bought out by a global company. and while many changes have been welcome ones, they've also had extensive casualties along the way. about a month ago, they had to let all of their temporary employees go, leaving them with just 14 men on the crew.

one of the temps had become a good friend of jasons' and i hugged his shoulders just weeks ago as he sat slumped in front of our computer, searching want ads with jason, and wondering aloud, with tears running down his rough cheeks, how his family was going to make it.

due to new metal laws taking effect in october, business has slowed to a crawl. they announced tuesday that indefinately, they'll be closing their doors on wednesday of each week, which drops the guys down to 32 hours a paycheck.

they also informed them that over the holidays, they'll be shut down for a week, receiving just 2 days worth of pay.


i inhaled a sharp, deep breath, as he laid this all out. and then i told him we'd be ok. that God will see us thru it.


i told him that maybe i can sneak in some overtime, tho my own company, funded in large part by the government, has lost much-needed funding this year as well, forcing them into cut-backs, the same as everyone else.

i told him we'll get thru it.

but as we said our goodbyes and i switched back over to my sister, i felt my stomach drop on the floor. she, of course, was having none of it, and asked me what the difference was. wasn't God the same God that was there just a few minutes ago when all i was worrying about was what to buy whom for christmas?

and i know she's right. that ugly thing called worry just tends to sneak up behind me when i least expect it sometimes.

my devotion that day read:

Looking back you will see that every step was planned. Leave all to Me. Each stone in the mosaic fits into the perfect pattern, designed by the Master Artist. It is all so wonderful! But the colors are of Heaven's hues, so that your eyes could not bear to gaze on the whole, until you are beyond the veil.



So, stone by stone, you see, and trust the pattern to the Designer.

When you go, your steps will not be hampered. when you run, you will not stumble. Proverbs 4:12

so yesterday, we took a drive. we live just minutes away from the north carolina border and found ourselves kind of just drifting towards newlands waterfall park.




in the spring, it is lush and beautiful. everything green and fresh and full of life. the smells are intoxicating and you can't wait to dip your toes in the fresh springs that bubble up everywhere around her.





as fall fades and winter sets in, the view is far more barren. vacant. your hideaway seems somehow more raw and wide open.

~.~.~.~.~



but we found it still just as refreshing, as we trekked up the 3 waterfalls and meandered over the walking trails and roughly hewn stairs made out of tree roots and bridges that people in years past have lovingly crafted, all throughout the mountain top.



and it was a good thing. a day for reflection. for clarity. for some deep breaths, in some fresh, crisp air. a reminder that God is right here, right now. even when thats a little harder to see.

move over siskel & ebert. or how i never got an american girl doll

if you're looking for a family friendly type movie for the thanksgiving holiday....which, coincidentally is rapidly approaching at breakneck turkey type speed, may i suggest "kit kittredge" of the american girl fame.

bella has been pestering me to see it for awhile now & i had begrudgingly agreed, after a list of conditions had been met, such as getting thru a school day without a mark or at very least a smiley face or just one offense on her take-home folder. cleaning her room without being asked. no sass at homework time. polishing the catbox errr....silver. etc...

and wouldn't ya know it, she came thru. so yesterday, i had to admit defeat, and fold, with a visit to my nearest redbox for their delightfully wonderful $1 rentals. cha-ching. (also note my shameless plug for redbox. what's that i hear? a free rental? you shouldn't have.)

i know this is gonna sound really selfish and such, but when i think *family fun*, my first question is generally, what can i get out of this? which totally sounds worse than it is, because what i mean by that, is that i'm considering what i like to call the well-rounded effect.

*will this be boring or cheesy in any way, shape or form for any party involved.

*will my lightweight, waterproof and fire resistant backpack fit all neccesary means of rescue should the need arise: bug spray, sunblock, snacks, drinks, tranquilizer gun, bandaids, motorized wheel-chair with rear wheel drive & optional speedboat mode. a shot of morphine.

*do we have a backup plan in the onset of weather and/or nautural disasters or bears.

*will it be pee-in-our-pants fun and excitement, or will someone literally feel the need for peeing in their pants, depending on logistics.

*and, most importantly, where are the emergency exits for the quick bail-out.

the same is true for me when you mix words like *movie* and *family friendly* in the same sentence. i'm a skeptic.

still. a very large chunk of my soul really really wanted this movie to be superb. i was 11 years old, the year the American Girl dolls were first introduced. and i vividly remember the year i spent christmas in omaha with my well-to-do birth dad's family. my sister staci received the *molly* doll. she was the most beautiful doll i'd ever seen and i cringed as staci drug her along by the hair, whacking her against the steps as she climbed up and down the stairs all day. i asked my step-mom where she'd found such a pretty doll, and she and my dad laughed, as my grandmother shook her head, saying i was entirely too old to care about dolls.

when i came back home, i did a little investigating, and got my hands on an AG catalog. from there, it was a trip to the library where i quickly fell in love with the samantha character. and then, kit. the dolls were ridiculously expensive and to be honest, i never really even entertained the idea i could ever have one. but i was an avid reader and enjoyed many of the AG books, getting lost in their characters. samantha was the little orphan girl, sent to live with her affluent grandmother in the early 1900s. she was kind and open hearted and taught the grownups around her many valuable lessons in acceptance, by her adventures in friendship, crossing racial and social boundaries. kit was the little girl in the midst of the depression, with dreams of becoming a journalist. her life as she knows it, plunges head-first into the unknown and her motto, left to her by her father, becomes "don't let it beat you".

i was fascinated, even fixated, growing up, on very specific points in our history. stories of the native americans, the prairie pioneers, orphan trains. the depression. just to name a few. i would pour over books, soaking in all the details. any books related to particular periods were devoured with fervor. i read all the janette oke books. the mandie series by lois gladys leppard held an extra special place in my heart. as did the the sadie rose series by hilda stahl. areleta richardsons grandmas attic series. my beloved anne of green gables.

these books were no different. and this movie is precious. it really is.

the year is 1933 and kits' life has been, in many ways, untouched by the depression and ongoing despair around her. her family is affluent ~ her mother a high-society woman who regularly holds tea luncheons with her well-to-do friends. her father, a car salesman. they live in a large house, in a high-end neighborhood. they can afford groceries and luxuries. words like "bad economy", "depression", and "hobos" are just silly, yet degrading, schoolyard terms.

then her teacher announces one day, they'll be helping to serve in a soup kitchen. one of her best friends, francis, is affected by the phenomenon of the scary bank foreclosure when her family is forced to move. as she passes out bread with her classmates to the many worn faces in the crowded soup kitchen, she sees her own father standing in line. and her life is suddenly turned upside down.

they've lost everything. their car is sold, money and food is scarce. her father travels to the city to find work, as they turn their own home into a boarding house to make money. her mother moves into the sewing room, as kit moves into the attic to make room for more tennants. they begin raising chickens to sell eggs and kit is struck with the realization that everyone is just one step away from the poor house as her mother makes her first dress from sack cloth.

the movie follows their struggle to get thru this time. the many colorful characters that come to stay in their home: a magician. a mobile librarian. a dance instructer. a classmate and his mother. she forms an unexpected friendship with 2 hobo children & discovers the damaging effects of stereotyping. how important everyones stories are. she & her friends enjoy some old-fashioned sleuthing when her own house is struck in a string of robberies.

and thru it all, she gains an understanding that the world around her is far more than what she'd ever thought it to be. that you should never let it beat you. and love and perseverance are 2 of the most priceless things of all.

its a really good story line. its not kitschy or too girlie or sappy. its sweet and heartwarming.

so go. rent it. tell em kat sent you.

fingers crossed

so this is my shameless plea to win the free wii she's giving away over yonder for a



wanna see my actual comment? and i quote:

"dudes. i live in the land of the deep fried south. i never in my life have had a gym membership and i sure as heck missed the ticket on the free treadmill for christmas. my badunkadunk is looking more and more like aunt cheryl's every day. i think its *My Time*. i haven't been good at a video game since Vector Man on the Sega Genesis. viva la weight loss, my friend. viva la weight loss. plus, i promise to post youtube videos of myself, sweatin' it off, 80's old-school style. it's how i roll."

you know you would totally watch my video.

ode to star wars

i was 2 years old, the year Star Wars came out. 29 years later, i actually sat down and watched it for the first time. i think this video is hilarious. not to mention, wicked awesome.

menagerie monday! a.k.a. "she's a linker, that one".

dudes, i'm so tired. i've been up for the past 20 hours & i've had to edit this thing a bazillion times. my apologies.

i've been on this new-fangled diet, the last few days. i call it *bleh*. it consists of equal parts: water and air. vitamins for dessert.

i'm so hungry.

so i'm making up for it this morning, with leftover meatloaf & mashed potatoes. also, an eggroll. and then? a pepsi, to wash it all down.

viva my waistline.

add *treadmill* to my christmas wish list? check.

so now to the good stuff. this past week wasn't the best for me. or my badunkadunk, while we're keepin' it real. but i'm glad to know i'm not the only one out there. and i'm so encouraged that everywhere i've looked today, i've seen inspiration.

first, please, everyone, CHECK THIS OUT. i love zefrank. have i shared that before? well i should have.

i'm grateful for the awesome sermon we had at church yesterday ~ kind of a re-juice for my spirit. it was much needed.

our church is fortunate to be deeply involved in global impact, and this sunday marked the national day of prayer for the persecuted church. as we watched this incredible video after the service yesterday, it just really reinforced my desire to get out there and do something. (p.s. pause the lil' jukebox down yonder so you can hear it)



my sister wrote an awesome post yesterday that i think is every bit worth your time to check out. as did aaron over at Arms Wide Open. sooo encouraging.

i find myself linking often to this guy these days, also. his take on politics and faith is rockin', and he and his wife have taken on the challenge of doing one thing a month, to make a difference. to change the world. check out his thank you note to the president.

i think that's awesome. it doesn't have to consume you. thats not your job. you just need to get out there.

and last but not least, i encourage you to check out these awesome causes:

this:



and then this.

be inspired.

tired

i'm sleepy today. and yet i can't sleep. my body is revolting against this substitute schedule ~ 12 hours seems so much longer during the night. i'm exhausted, then, during the day, and my brain won't shut down. i'ts been on the verge, this morning, but now the upstairs neighbors have started in, true to their anti-domestic-blissity.

its been a kind-of surreal life here in the byrds nest this week and blogging hasn't really been foremost on my mind.

i feel like i have so much to say. yet i don't know where to start. and i tend to hold my tongue here in this forum, in the presence of confrontation. several doors were opened up in my closet of closets, this week. doors that have sat me down hard on a floor of refelction. and then, there are the issues i am passionate about. yet i have remained passive, because i don't feel screaming for my freedom of speech is the right way to get my point across.

i am one of the most open and accepting people you will ever know. which is something that hasn't always neccesarily been a blessing in my life. at times, its put me face-to-face with confrontation. at times, its placed me in situations less than desirable. you can judge me for that or even find it honorable, but it is my truth. i have friends and people in my life, from many different directions. and we don't always see eye-to-eye. and often, we come to a place of agreeing to disagree. but i love them because thats whats in my heart. and because this is a good portion of what i feel is my purpose. its not my place to judge you. it is my place to hear your story. and my hope, that you will listen to mine.

we have a new president. and whatever your opinion is on this election, this decision has been made. we have made history, yes. and i do not doubt that changes will come. many, welcome. what i'm struggling with, is that in my heart, i'm truly discouraged by the sheer number of people banking on him, and him alone. the truth is, he is one man. and he's not the one single answer to everyone's prayers. the reality is that he's got a really tough job ahead of him. and he doesn't make his decisions, alone. now, more than ever, we need to rally as a nation.

and now, more than ever, i really feel that christians, more than any other minority, need to find their voice. and not in a pulpit-beating, fire and brimstone screaming kind of way. we need to do something. as someone who readily admits to imperfection and fumbling, yet who proudly bears the title of Christian in what it means to be so, at its deepest root.....someone who believes in one God, not a higher power, i feel the need to stand up and do something. now.

and you can roll your eyes and cluck your tongue. but in this country, where we are so fat and spoiled, our issues always tend to come full circle, revolving around an *equality* that a large percentage of our population feel we are owed. but this is our truth: we as the people and for the people aren't owed anything. we've struggled for what we deem as our *rights* down thru the ages. and we've made great strides. but herein lies my confusion: we have done so, in the name of what?

at some point, that grey area so many of us have subscribed to, because its safe, or comfortable, is not ok. our issues are very much cut and dry. black and white. wrong or right. morality is rapidly becoming an *old school* word. and for every enormous step forward in what we deem acceptance and that desired permission slip to do what feels good, we lose sight of what has and will always be good and true.

there is no such thing as something for free. we will always have to give up or sacrifice something in the hand-off. equality is no different. and we are losing the good fight, for every little slice of legislature passed, that we chalk one up for society, yet look the other way as we step on so many others on our way up.

why do we fight so hard for the womans right to choose her body against her unborn, yet we turn around and demand the highest capital punishment in the face of abuse or murder of our tangible children. we demand our right to gay marriage, yet turn a blind eye to the very real epidemic we face in what the sanctity of marriage even is, anymore. if what we're fighting for is simply a piece of paper, yet we do nothing to hold those vows strong and steady when life hands us anything but perfection or acceptance, and that same paper can then be ripped up as tho it was just a mistake, then where are we? why do we demand that our schools parade and promote alternative lifestyles and religions at every possible corner, yet you then take away my right to pray, or my bible, because i am a "ridiculous radical". because you are right and i am wrong, and i can't possibly understand where you come from or what it means to be you. you want to put me in the closet so you can come out. when i never placed you there to begin with.

because when we feel convicted, we feel we need for someone to tell us its really all ok. that if something gets hard, we want the go-ahead to give it up. if something isn't convenient or won't make everyone happy in the room, we want a magic wand to be waved, to make it so.

my heart is just so heavy, right now. moreso because i feel at a loss. a very real loss.

and i'm wondering where you're at, in all of this.

wherein i hope you all voted for my chihuahua

defender of the crotchless underwear, the world over.

listen. i'm nothing if not your political Eye in the Sky. your government guru. your hot air machine. so it will come as no surprise that yesterday, i purposely left the news off. i talked to my mom & sister on the phone. i snuggled on the couch a little too long in my pajamas, watching cartoons a little too late in the morning with my daughter, eating a little too much leftover halloween candy for breakfast. we took daddy on his break to a suprise picnic lunch by the river. we got a fruit smoothie and a frappucino at our favorite coffee hang-out. we spent time with bellas great-grandmother and took her for a walk. we watched the new "tinker bell" movie. and "get smart". we ate tatertots with supper. and after some tickle wrestling and many snuggles and a prayer that God will lead our new president in the right choices, mom and dad snuggled on the couch watching "the strangers." we climbed into bed and turned the news on at 11 pm. and jason held me close as i cried.

there's gonna be alot of the obligatory election posts spinning 'round today. alot of people happy and alot of people not-so-happy. and i dunno about you, but i'm just really not ready for that whole *thing* quite yet. in the spirit of remaining politically ambivalent, the only thing i'm really going to add is that i think america has been asleep for a really. long. time.

...and i will heal your land. 2 chronicles 7:14 .

yah. here's the kicker tho. ya gotta read the stuff before the dot.dot.dot.

you like how i totally did the obligatory post thing without you even realizing it, don'tcha.

i got mad skills, crickets. mad skills.

and we've got work to do. you know who you are.

dear xm

dear xm radio,

please to enjoy my letter following,to inform you of these problems with you.

please. i implore for you. please to hire people that speak english. that not only can speak it fluently, but also, then, to understand it and verify those informations.

and when you're finished with that, please to then send your magic little signal and activate my husbands blasted radio.

for the love of all that is holy.

with much sincerely,

k to the at byrd

grace and its defining moments

spoiler alert. i'm about to go all linkish up in here.

i've been sitting here for a little while,now, reading some of the news blurbs and snippets race by on screen. finding myself grateful for a quiet, sleepy house this morning, and opting for no tv on, with news & polls screaming in my ears.

i'll be happy when today is over. tho i will tell you now, in all confidence, i will not feel secure in the result.

i had this whole post started late last night that had alot to do with where i thought today was headed. somehow, it all dissapeared into the haze of the ethernet. i have to admit some dissapointment on that, and yet i think that's telling of where i'm at, in my life right now. sometimes, i think that in our most profound moments of truth, there are never the accurate words.

and on this all-important election day, i find my place in all of that, fitting.

autumn has always had a profound effect on me. this year is no different. i see myself as always either entering or fading out of a season in my life. this latest one, although certainly not appreciated at first, has been a season of stillness. dare i admit it, rest.

i have been in love with the writings of Rumi since first introduced to his works some years ago. i find it so devastatingly refreshing and inspirational, that when translated, a mans'deepest thoughts in the 1200's apply just as accurately to the 2000's.

“Live where you fear you cannot dwell. Destroy your "reputation". Be notorious.”

yes. sign me up for some of that.

i'm finding alot of inspiration in his words these days. alot of inspiration in my bible and private devotions as well. i've spent alot of time over the past 2 years in particular, researching this topic called grace. being hit upside the head with it. being in the unique position of offering it, myself. a perfect example: go youtube you some bebo normans song britney i'm sorry and see if you don't feel a sucker punch to the gut.

and then. watch this. for what it is.





because for me, grace walks hand-in-hand with unconditional love.

magpie girl said it so eloquently, recently:

i think the most effective way to love others is to follow your impulse towards them. That’s your intuitive voice of wisdom telling you what to do. I struggle sometimes to embrace this wisdom, because the older I get the more disreputable those impulses seem. They often require me to live counter-culturally. Examples? I’m a lot more transparent than most people would advise. I tell people what I dream about them. I keep in touch with my first crush because he is such a wise, dear soul. I adopt teenagers who talk to me on street corners. None of these seem…prudent. But those are the things love has offered to me these past years. When they come I’ve tried to embrace my puckish side, deny fear, and jump. It’s not been without pain, but I truly have no regrets. I keep choosing "The Beast", (love)
and people get loved in the process.

meg casey's recent post hit home as well:

The nights are growing longer. The winds are picking up. This is the time of the year when hearts turn inward, when inner demons, the little gremlins who have been hiding in the shadows whispering their sweet nothings show themselves, when the things that go bump in the night get extra noisy.

I am always surprised and rather amazed at the fact that no matter how much I grow, no matter how much I breathe, no matter how many minutes I stay present, I keep coming back to the same lessons over and over, challenged again and again. No matter how much I think I have mastered, there is so much more I don’t know, so much to learn over and over again. That no sooner do I think I have grown out of an old way of being, do I find myself being tested in big and small ways yet again.

In these moments of vulnerability I realize that for all my learning it simply boils down to this: I am scared to death, that I don’t know the way, and that I never really did. And when I can let myself stew in that reality long enough I find myself knowing this one true thing: courage is really simply about feeling the fear and wading through anyway, one tep, one breath at a time.

preach it, meg.

i've recently undergone a season where its' been neccesary for me to sit back and let go. which is a reality so impossibly unattainable for me, i can't even begin to tell you. because my version of "letting go" generally comes with ripping and shredding. in like a lion, this one. and all of a sudden, i find myself on the verge of this change again. yet another season where i am sifted.

last night at work, jason called to inform me of a text message he'd just received from candace's mother. for those of you keeping up with my story, you'll know where i stand on the whole candace *issue*. and you'll remember where i left it, nearly 7 months ago, in her hands. the text asked if she could meet with us. i told jason to give her my work number and within minutes, i found myself taking a deep breath in a half-finished prayer for the right words. for rescue. i was answering her call, and being brought around full circle.

the awesome *jon* had the following to say on the subject of rescuing, referring to Jeremiah 1:7-8 and the importance of the word "rescue",

It reads like God is saying, "Look, you need to go do what I am asking you and it won’t be easy. I'm not calling you to safety and comfort, I'm asking you to go into a situation that's going to be dangerous and difficult. Where I am calling you will be so horrible that it will require rescue, but I will provide it. That's what I am going to give you, rescue. But in order to give you the gift of rescue, I need you to go somewhere that requires it and I'm going to be upfront, that won’t be fun. Because if it was, rescue wouldn’t be necessary and that's the gift I want to give you. So …."

Don’t get me out of it, get me through it. - Mark Driscoll .

connie called to weep on my shoulder. and i spent the next hour and a half in a conversation that ordinarily i'd have felt unprepared for. yet somehow, that rehashing the past and summoning old demons, felt normal, this time around. i didn't feel bare and exposed and defensive and ashamed. i felt like i had a foothold. like God was there.

i listened to her speak of loss. of her fear for candace. and even as i heard myself assuring her i would make that call, i would reach out to candace, i wondered what i was getting myself in for. this has been the one female presence in my life, aside from my sister, that has held such a significant role in my life. we've shared so much. we've watched eachother grow and then simultaneously fall apart at the seams. the choice her husband made, ripped apart 2 marriages and a friendship so close. the kind of friendship that many people long to experience in their lifetime.

when we last spoke, i'd been carrying through with a commitment i'd made in counseling: to bring about a closure to a wound that was gaping wide open with pain. sooo much pain. instead, i found myself defining where i was, what i could and could not tolerate, yet promising her that i loved her. that i was, by no means, closing a door, but was leaving this in her hands. and for me, that was the closest to a closure i could come to.

so it was with a heartfelt prayer and several deep breaths, that i re-opened that door last night.

and i called.

happy halo-ween

of kids and politics

i hate to own up to the term "undecided voter", but these are the breaks, kids. and so it is, with much love and devotion to the delightful david sedaris and his "undecided voters", i spin you a tale today.

last night while helping me with supper as jason caught up on some news, bella suddenly blurted out, "oh no. not him. he's gonna ruin the whole world."

i was more than a little shocked and asked who she was referring to.

she said "obama".

i asked her where she heard that and if she truly knew who obama was.

i know i'll probably get hit upside the head for the following announcement. and i'm sure it makes me a truly horrible mom. but here goes: unlike the rest of the free world, i chose not to sit my daughter down and hold lengthy discussions regarding this election.

there, i said it.

we've talked about what an election means and who the candidates are, and how important it is to vote, especially as a girl who will one day be a woman. bella's caught a couple of the debates with us & got to take part in *kidz rock the vote* at ETSU over her intercession week, but thats been about it.

reflect *motherly civic duty*? check.

while i agree children should have information, i also believe they should be children as long as possible. i'm not raising my daughter to be some passive conservatist, but i am of the mind that as long as i can stretch out the fact that the grownups of the world are, to a large extent, insane, and many have succeeded in making the u.s. one big hot mess, i'm on board. there's plenty of time for protests in her future. the trouble with that thought train is how it tends to derail with unexpected intervals in the land of influence.

when bella popped that big eye-opening statement,we discovered she'd overheard a conversation between her nana and aunt. the one, citing *devout christianity*, the other, plain old fashioned discrimination. wow. thanks, guys. score one for the ladies.

which, sadly, will play a part in this election, on both sides, no matter how you cut the cheese.

i asked her why they or she thought obama would ruin the world and she didn't know. it was painfully apparent she'd just been paroting. and the last thing i want is for my daughter to go around spouting off misinformation based on ignorance.

and so, what had to follow, was a cliff notes version on our history, and a conversation about difference of opinion and peoples rights to those opinions. that we have 2 candidates that have different ideas of how something should be done. and thats' what we're voting for: who we think has the best ideas on how to take care of our country. we talked about how important it is for us to respect our government and president. how important it is that we pray for him/her, that they will make good choices for us.

but even as we explained this, i felt a twinge of sadness and uncertainty.

growing up, my dad always stressed the fact that you can't be lukewarm; you're either hot or cold. and if you choose to sit out on the fence, then you give up your right to raise your hand and object. that's something that's always stuck with me, and i gave the same explanation to my own daughter last night.

but this year, i find myself edging closer and closer to that fence. ya know, i tend to dodge the subject of politics, whenever possible. not because i'm playing the neutral card or i'm hiding behind the sacredness of my party preference and all it represents, but because i feel as tho when politics enters a discussion, all objectivity just goes right out the door and everyone just sees red.

much like this election.

does that give me a right to sit on the fence? no. but does it mean i prefer obama to mccain in this election, one over the other? no. when bella asked me whose ideas i believed in, i honestly had to tell her right now i'm not sure.

i don't know where you're at in this vote. well, ok, some of you have made it perfectly clear, but here's where i'm at:

i wish we had another option.

i think, to a large extent, that the american population has been blindsided by the unprecidented opportunity we have before us. everything is new and refreshing and a promise for *change*. and anything with "the works" or "bigger and better" in the title.....any change in general, causes a frenzy nowadays. on the one side, you've got potentially the first black president. on the other, a woman for the vice position. never before been seen or done. and because of that, i think alot of the heavier topics on the line aren't even being taken into consideration.

i think we have a huge, monumental decision on our shoulders next week. and i think that either way you look at it and whatever your vote will ultimately be, in my heart of hearts, i feel its just a calm before a storm. unlike any other.

the beckoning of lovely

my kid rocks. and she's got the photos to prove it. one day in the near or not-so-near future, depending on how the scores go, i promise to scan this in for you, all pretty and clear. but we got her photos back and mounted just last night. me, being the proud mama, took a quick shot of her masterpiece this morning.

some time ago, in reading jen lemens rwanda story, i was introduced to hoperevo.com and was immediately hooked. the whole "kindness matters. make a difference. spread hope. pay it forward" phenomenon appeals to everyone these days, i think. and i'm no different. its been such an awesome outlet to include my daughter in as well. and since joining, bella and i have spent many the fun afternoon drawing pictures and creating little hope notes to leave in random & obscure places. during the summer thru little day trips we took here and there, we moved on to rocks; have sharpie, will travel.

when bella needed a theme for her photography project due in for the schools talent competition, Reflections, i asked her how about including our rocks. she was happy with this idea, as long as this meant a romp in the creek after her *shoot*. and tho i had to help her with position and focus at first, she quickly got the hang of it. it was a gorgeous day and this is the fruit of her labor.

so in keeping with the warm fuzzies, i thought i'd share this with you today. i sat in awe, watching this yesterday morning. its simple, and as the title reads, lovely. scroll down and mute the music so you can get the full effect.



i hope you all enjoy a lovely weekend of your own. carve some pumpkins.

wherein we watch Ghosthunters

aww, look. jason got his ear pierced.

huh. now see i would've never noticed that. i myself was looking for apparitions just now. as you do, when watching a show titled "ghosthunters". how is it that women always notice those things?

because we see everything. we are All Knowing. its a little thing we're fond of calling *keen observation*.

:highly inappropriate, exaggerated rolling of the eyes:

no, its true. for example: we notice when a man gets a hair cut. every single time. unlike certain men, who shall remain nameless, that don't notice when their wife gets like 6 inches cut off of her hair. or better yet, dyes it 3 shades darker.

in my defense, it was 2 shades darker if it was any.

still.

oh i see. kind of like the time when you didn't notice i shaved off my goatee. for Two Whole Days. only the biggest thing on my face.

thats different. i was hormonal. plus, i'm pretty sure you were not on my *happy* list at the time. i was avoiding looking directly at your face. also, you're my husband.

ahhhh. the "love of your life" as opposed to a perfect stranger. say, some benign ghost hunter on tv, for example. mmm. makes sense.

touche, my friend. touche.

money money money money

you know what i love? i love the part when you have mountains of laundry to sort thru and treat for stains and you can just throw the boxers or towels or socks in without a 2nd glance.

i love that.

so i was awake, flopping around restlessly, at 5 am this morning, willing my bladder to just go back to sleep. and worrying about, you guessed it, money. oi. such a difficult topic for me.

wednesday night at work, i was bent over in an awkward and unflattering position, straining against gravity, attending to *flow* in the shower. as i straightened up, i heard a subtle, yet all too familiar *snap* and inwardly groaned, reaching up to check the damage.

thats right, ladies. my bra broke.

i swear. i am cursed to have the worst problems with these things. and whats worse, is that thanks to an extra helping in that department, i can't just pop over to the walmart or even victorias little secret (and thats if i had the moulah). no, i am blessed. which means a trip to somewhere thats gonna charge me half a boob to let 'em fit it.

also, i am incredibly picky about my "support system". wires may be the death of me but i stand by them because they hold me at the precise point where i like to think i should hover at.

jen over at breed em and weep said it best:

"you know I had my bra surgically attached to keep the gals from taking the elevator to the ground floor."

ohhhh and i would, if i could. c'mon. they can make em bigger or smaller already, and puhleeze. they can surgically apply makeup now. lets get busy.

this girl i used to work with always bragged about the cutest lil' bras she could catch on clearance and i loathed her good fortune and small chestississ. $6 for a bra. i have never paid $6 for a bra in my life. not even while those puppies were trainin'.

even my wonder woman underoos cost more than that.

so, blargh. unfortunately, this was the only bra i had left, that i hadn't had to pull the blasted wires out of, or tried to reconstruct in some frankensteinian way. folks, it was my One Perfect Bra.

sob.

so all weekend at work, that bloomin wire kept poking me in the side. but i'm choosing to believe that was a little jab from heaven above. a lil' reminder that "hey. pssst. i'm here."

and i'm cool with that.

money and my relationship with it and the lack of it, is hands down, one of the biggest issues i face on a daily basis. during our years together, our finances have always laid heavier on my shoulders. it was always easier for jason to leave that up to me. and despite my efforts at trying to milk trees for dollar bills, at the end of the day, i'd often feel kinda just slammed up against a wall. we've moved mountains thru the years and our struggle with it, or rather God has. and i'm thankful for that. sometimes, i still close my eyes tight & brace myself for that wall, but slowly, it gets easier to let go and let God.

but right about the time my bra decided to crap out on me, jason called about yet another bill from the oral surgeons office.

last feb, i think it was, we had money in hand and finally, thru jasons new job, the dental insurance we needed to have some of his teeth pulled. his mouth is rotting out, seriously. and for 4 months, he'd lived in pain, sucking down anbesol like no tomorrow and sleeping on a heating pad. without insurance, it was going to cost us $1100 to have 2 teeth pulled out. $700 if we went without happy gas. they wouldn't take payments & we didn't qualify for the dental insurance they pedal.

once a month, the free clinic in town takes patients on a first come/first serve basis for dental issues. but as we all know, nothing really comes free and once they took both of our incomes into consideration, the sliding scale tipped over and we didn't qualify. our only other option was the denture place they advertised on tv. for $65 and a shot of general anesthesia, they'd pull a tooth. only catch? again, first come, first serve. we had to keep bella out of school that day and both call into work, jason waiting 45 minutes out in the cold, wrapped up in coats and mittens and blankets, waiting on those steps to be the first one in the door. only to discover it was too impacted and would require oral surgery, not a simple extraction.

next.

i felt helpless. and it was such a crushing blow. i was going thru such an awful depression at the time & was already working overtime so we could barely keep our heads above water. i hated to see him in pain but i could do little more than keep him in tylenol and the dollar tree in business with my enormous anbesol sprees. periodically, i could call our doctors office and ask for yet another prescription of antibiotics so infection wouldn't take over.

so the day jason met his 90 day mark and came home with insurance papers, i was singing halleluiah and making the call. the initial consultation & x-rays indicated things weren't great but not as horrible as we'd anticipated, and that jason didn't neccesarily need to pull everything out and start over. 2 out of 4 in particular needed to be pulled and with the insurance and happy gas, it would run us $165. the day of his surgery, the secretary said there had been a slight oversight and would run $30 more. thankfully, we'd had our income tax to rely on and i wrote out the check.

jason felt a thousand times better and we were elated. but then the bills started coming from the oral surgeon. back and forth, back and forth, with their office and the insurance office.

for 8 months.

eesh. like i don't have other things to worry about. between fielding calls from them and my car payment company over that bill that i'm perpetually behind on, noone else can call.

the last time i spoke with the finance lady, she apologized profusely, saying something about the previous finance lady being fired over certain "imbezzling issues" and that they were trying to resolve the matter. the last insurance letter i got, said something about us possibly oweing $40. the whole blasted thing has just been frustrating, tho, so i filed it and decided to wait on the surgeons office.

so jason called me at work and said we'd got another bill. i sighed and asked him to open it, thinking great. just great. my oil light had been flashing and making this annoying dinging sound all week long, every time i drove it. probably something to do with it being overdue for a change, i don't know. also, jason was needing gas again and owed for the brake job he'd had to get last week and i was out of laundry soap and well, everything. now this.

rip. "what? no waaaaay. "

panic. "what. WHAT. what do they want THIS time!!!"

"its a check. for $155. "

"one hundred fifty five dollars?"

"no. $1.55. "

"whaaaaaaaaat?"

"i'm kidding. yah. $155 for the overage we paid."

i can't tell you how awesome that was. such an amazing God-sent answer to a prayer that i'd urgently felt, but hadn't taken to him in earnest. yet He knew, and He overlooked me and He provided.

that extra money bought jasons gas and paid on his brakes and for my laundry soap.

this weekend at work, for the most part was craptacular. bella had free tickets to the circus and i was glad for that one bonus because i anticipated this week being tight. jasons' check wasn't going to cover the phone bill plus groceries, and i was cursing myself for the $27 oil change i'd had done when maybe i could've gone another week til my paycheck. and for buying the big box of laundry detergent when i could've got the smaller one. or why did we have to pay for the rest of the brake job and where had i gone wrong. that $155 had gone so fast. and then jason was asking me if he could buy something for his dads birthday yesterday and i had to come up with milk and some kind of *filler* for bella's school lunches this week, plus i had no idea how i was gonna pay to have bellas photos developed for her school talent show project. had i handled Gods check with greasy hands?

i came home last night, really weary, for all intents and purpose. i'd been on my feet all day, tending to both of my clients while my other staff person chose to lay around watching tv. i'd cooked and cleaned and assisted with bathroom duty 17 times. i'd wiped bottoms and wiped drool and helped feed and bathe and administer medication....

it was a long day.

but i came home to my sweet family making me supper and bella grinning from ear to ear, holding something behind her back. with a flourish and a "ta-daaaaah", she unfurled a large bag, announcing she and nana had gone shopping at sams club and "look, just look what nana said i could have for school". inside, were granola bars and oatmeal packets and crackers and peanut butter and just a variety of little snack type things and i breathed a prayer of thanks. i sat down with my family to eat and told myself i wasn't going to worry about another thing until today.

so i lay there at 5 am this morning, wondering how this would all play out and hoping against hope that we wouldn't get overdrawn. i finally broke down and graced the loo with my presence and then took a nice hot bath. when the other 2 yayhoos got up, i asked jason for his gas and birthday present receipts ~ his dad had asked for a lampshade and some razors ~ and added them to my milk receipt. i got bella off to school and came back home. 'watched abit of the news and turned the modem on, pulling up a chair and digging out my highlighter and checkbook.

the damage wasn't bad and i thanked God for that. i'd be $50 short on the phone bill set to go thru today. so i breathed a little silent prayer and i called the phone company while signing off our banking site and flipping over to one of my favorite blogs.

as i waited out the automated phone tree, i read thru her entry and just felt so incredibly blessed. another thank you to the Big Guy upstairs. when the customer service agent picked up, i took a deep breath and explained my situation.

i just felt like i needed to give a shout-out to God this morning. the phone company was willing to work with me over a partial payment, which means we won't have to worry about overdraft fees and i will have the money to get bellas photos developed for her project. i was humming a song to *flow* when the bra incident went down and its funny how its come full circle this morning.

my savior,He can move the mountains
my God is mighty to save, He is mighty to save

i know in the big scheme of things,my little blessing and victory this morning is just a speck on the map. but i'm soooo so grateful. and i wish for every one of you, that small blessing today as well.