i had a bad day

i'm so stressed out right now. so forgive me if this seems jumbled. this just feels like the safest place to vent for a few minutes before i need to square my shoulders and get goin'.

its funny...i almost didn't post my entry yesterday. as i was just finishing up loading my pictures, i received 2 phone calls. the first, from my boss, wondering if i could fill in for a coworker. the 2nd, from my landlord, wondering if i could leave the door unlocked today because its that time again for appraisals on all their properties.

both, sent me into a frenzy. i needed to jump in the shower and get to the store in a short amount of time.

when we moved in here, 2 years ago now, we cut a deal on the deposit with the agreement that we would handle the cleanup, the paint and trim, new border, etc... and while we wiped everything else out before we moved in, the master bedroom and kitchen were still in need of border. the bedroom, i'm not worried about as its been an ongoing project and we've had fun with it as we've changed it up several times. the border is painted currently to match our trim.

i've had plenty of time to do the kitchen, but not the $$ and i'm picky ~ i've been holding out for my *dream border* if such a thing exists. and in my world, it does, ok? i don't care that this house is just a rental place. i found the border i fell in love with when i was still living back in nebraska, actually. but i've got a large kitchen and the cheapest i could find, was gonna run me $40 .

i'm anal about my house looking *nice*. i'm a cleaner. especially when i'm stressed. so that, i wasn't worried about. but its been this thorn in my side, all this time, this tacky old border with bright pink flowers and such. its just that every time i've thought i was gonna get a break and that extra $40, something else has come up.

our landlord has been wonderful; very easygoing, laid back kind of guy. but i know these bank people are important to the success of their business and i don't want to let him down. so i dug in the jar we've been saving for our christmas trip and ran out in search of some border that would at least be acceptable. i couldn't believe my luck when i saw signs up at lowes for all their wallpaper/borders discounted. the down-side, i quickly realized, was that much of it had already been picked over. everything i was remotely interested in was sold out or only had bits and pieces of remnants left over. then, in the very last drawer, i saw a beautiful pattern and dug out 3 rolls. they were unpackaged with just the upc written on tape. i figured they'd been used for samples. i needed 4, but the rolls seemed extra thick so i located a salesman & asked if he could measure it for me. he smiled and waved me off, saying each roll was 15 yards. i did a little happy dance in my head and practically ran to the checkout. 3 rolls for less than $10? score.

wrong.

i came home and did a quick assessment, realizing i was gonna have to have jason do the lions share of the job since i had to go into work. i came up 4 feet short.

4 feet short.

i wanted to cry. seriously. but i had no time. i had to make arrangements for someone to pick up bella from school, call the school, get ahold of jason to let him know why the kitchen was tore apart and could he please, please, please save my butt and still get that shower.

by the time i got to work, i was already stressed. and then i was informed that both ebb and flow needed to be to the activity center by 5:30, dressed nicely, to "receive an award at a party". it was pushing it, but we made it work. i got both ladies to the clinic and home for a snack, then changed into pretty dresses for their *party*.

ebb was excited, because in her mind, "party" means 4 things: dancing, cake, potato chips and coke. in that order. for flow, this means lots of hugs and kisses from the boys. when we arrived and rounded the corner to the gymnasium, however, i was met not with a host of our recipients but instead, news crews and people in ties and heels.

i felt about this low.

i don't know when i have felt more inadequate, more embaressed, more angry, over a job. i could not believe that my manager hadn't had the decency to let me in on what was actually going on, and suddenly it all fell into place. this was the reason that my coworker had "called in". and here i am in jeans and a pull-over, tho i guess that was better than scrubs. but here i am, looking, literally, like a deer caught in headlights, as i pose them for picture after picture, wiping drool, smiling for the cameras and praying for rescue, realizing i'm about to be splashed all over the 10 o'clock news.

and if that wasn't bad enough, i then had the daunting task of keeping them quiet, entertained and *appropriate* for the next hour and a half, while we listened to a sleu of suits talk about this great company and what it was founded on and blah-blah-blah. turns out, it was the company's 40th anniversary celebration. not that any of our other employees or clients had been invited. no, that would've been stupid. i mean, after all, employees and the people they take care of are a dime a dozen, right?

nope, it was just a rigid cocktail party for all the rich folks that fund our program as part of their companies charity. the only reason we were there, is because flow is the oldest living client, having been with them for every one of those 40 years. and you know what she got out of the deal? she got to stand up for one nano-second when they mentioned her name. she got to pose for pictures with people that wouldn't even let her hug them when she reached out, and walked away disgusted, afterwards, as tho she'd had leprosy or something.

and ebbs brother was there. he's a member of their stinkin' board. the same guy that hasn't stopped by once, to visit ebb, in the year its been since their mother died. that funeral that i took her to because noone else in her family would. and he stood there and introduced his boss to his sister that was born without eyes, as tho she could see. he stood there reminiscing about their childhood and what a grand gal she is, as she held my hand, not his. and i wanted to throw up.

of all the people there, only 4 had been invited that were developmentally retarded. and as the 4 of them walked out, charlie, one of our oldest downs clients, tripped and fell. he's in his 50's and a little heavy. add to that, his embaressment as he struggled to get back up. there we are, all clustered around him and 6 of those very same suits that mere minutes ago, were up there on stage talking about the importance of this job and what it takes to run a successful business & keep us going, including ebbs brother, walked right past him. without a 2nd glance. without so's much as a "hey, are you ok?"

no. instead, they walked right by, climbing into their big fancy sedans and driving away.

i guess this is my shout-out to all those big suits out there in the world. my open letter to the members of the board, if you will.

why.

why support some cause, why even include your company name, if you're just going to walk away. if by "donating", you're then not required to invest even the slightest part of yourself. these people don't know what i do on a daily basis. they don't visit our classrooms or clinics. they don't stop by our houses on a holiday & take away from their families or lavish lifestyles to visit these little people we support when their own families just discard them on our doorsteps.

it all just makes me so angry. i left there last night, so disillusioned.

and today, i have a monster headache. jason, love his heart, made magic happen with my kitchen border and when i got in about midnight, i stood there and cried.

and now, its time to square those shoulders and get the heck out of dodge. i have a couple short hours to finish up and make myself and the dog and cats scarce for a little while. then i'll get bella from school and i'll go in tonite for my 12 hour overnight shift. cuz thats what i do.

i guess, just, if you happen to think about it, a hug or a prayer or even a mocha frappucino would be greatly appreciated today.

<3