i can think of a dozen good reasons that i should step into a classroom next monday morning. to better our lives. for the money. the job security. to follow through with something. to prove to myself i have it in me.
and i can think of an equal dozen good reasons why now is not the right time for me.
i broke down in tears with my sister on the phone yesterday. i'd just received gut wrenching news that i may not be able to attend bella's spring concert. not because of anything in my control, but because of a manager at work that has determined to stick like a thorn in my side. she's known about this event for weeks and yet scheduled me to train new staff on that particular day.
some days, i lose all hope in humanity and kindness and goodness in this world.
i think to myself that whatever love and determination i've put into this work that i do, is, in all honesty, pointless at the end of the day. tenure matters not, without a degree or lips pursed just so, to kiss the right bum at the right time.
and i think to myself that i don't want this job forever....this place that dictates how and if and when i spend my life.
so i bide my time. i bite my tongue behind closed lips. i look the other way when they abuse the system. i show up for work and do my job for the day. and at the end, i go home.
but i take it with me.
for a myriad of different reasons, i'm going thru such a difficult and conflicting time in my life. i'm aware that i need to take a step, yet i stand paralyzed, not willing to pick a direction. i'm so afraid of falling. of not having the stamina and the courage and the smarts to pull myself out.
i don't feel that backing. that go ahead. but i know i can't stand still.
its all i have done.
jason and i got into a heated argument over his lunch break. ever like his father, its easier to be stubborn and be quiet when words are needed. tho when he does voice his opinion on this matter, its not what i want to hear.
its a hard day, all around. please pray for me.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
30 days
they say it takes 30 days to really get a feel for something. 30 days to develop new habits. 30 days to break an old one.
i'm inching my way closer to my own personal 30 day mark. awhile back, i started walking in the mornings. and i'm proud to say i've kept at it. oh, i've thought about it...talked about it...even attempted it a few times. by myself, with friends. but it always fizzles out, for one reason or another. once upon a time i was even hitting the gym. but its been a long while.
we fancy ourselves active. we love the outdoors and getting out and doing things. we work hard and play hard. but more often than not, we find ourselves stuck in a sort of sedantary lifestyle. and i, for one, don't want that. i feel tired and old when i should feel vibrant and healthy. i want to live my life. and experience it to the fullest. i want to instill that in our daughter. i want to inspire my husband.
my weight and subsequent body image has fluctuated up and down since childhood, really. i'm the first one to point out your beauty, yet have no problem downplaying my own. for the most part, i had a well-adjusted childhood... i went thru growth spurts and puberty like everyone else, save for some extra curves upstairs, thanks to genetics. there are plenty of things i like about me, but i can't say that i've always loved myself. i think thats a work in progress.
as a woman in my 30's, in many ways, i feel like i'm just officially coming into my own. and with that said, it gets harder, blaming the "baby belly" on your nearly 9 year old.
one morning, i woke up and just felt like it was time. that time is sometimes all we have. and that its of the essence because we just have this one time to make a difference. and i think this is one of the first things i've really done for just me, in a really long time. sore muscles aside, its become this sort of joyful part to my day. each morning, i drop bella at school and head for the park. i do my stretches, plug in my earphones and hit the pavement.
i won't lie and say its been easy. in the beginning, it was plain hard. strangely enough, because the hardest lesson hasn't been in pacing myself but in allowing myself to commit to the moment. instead of my usual *hands in 10 different pots*, i'm focusing on me. and in doing so, i'm focusing on God, too.
i'm in transition zone. i couldn't, in all honesty, tell you i've *met my stride*. some days are downright dissapointing. discouraging all around. i've had headaches and nausea and cramps and a host of other maladies. there are the regulars that continue to run circles around me. but each day that i get up and go, is another day that i've met my goal. each extra step or exercise i incorporate, beats my own personal best. and that makes me happy. i feel my clothes just a little looser, my legs just a little stronger, my shoulders squared just a little more.
yesterday, i was so proud of myself for making it around the track 4 times the hard way ~ uhpill. i'd done step-ups on the brick wall in between and was jamming to my tunes, as i hit a slow descent on the trail. one quick combination of not paying attention and hitting a pothole, landed me on 2 very sore, very bloody knees. and i sat there for a few moments, catching my breath and wiping away tears with 2 blood-stained hands, finding irony in the song playing at that exact moment by tenth avenue north. in particular, the line: "i'll be by your side wherever you fall".
i can't pinpoint any one thing that's made a difference or sparked a little something in my spirit. more like a handful of circumstances, lately, that have made me very introspective. jasons' dad's near death experience that landed him in the hospital for nearly a week over easter. the continuing stress with my job and my decision on going back to school just now. the computer - my outlet- going down. jason having a major sa relapse and how truly devastated that's made me. candace, calling again. after all this time.
at a time when ordinarily i'd want to be rescued, i find myself really seeking me out. asking God to change me first. instead of resenting my strength, wanting to embrace that strength and gain more, with His help.
and none of that has been easy.
i've been really sad for a really long time. and i want, more than anything, some balance and rest.
i'm inching my way closer to my own personal 30 day mark. awhile back, i started walking in the mornings. and i'm proud to say i've kept at it. oh, i've thought about it...talked about it...even attempted it a few times. by myself, with friends. but it always fizzles out, for one reason or another. once upon a time i was even hitting the gym. but its been a long while.
we fancy ourselves active. we love the outdoors and getting out and doing things. we work hard and play hard. but more often than not, we find ourselves stuck in a sort of sedantary lifestyle. and i, for one, don't want that. i feel tired and old when i should feel vibrant and healthy. i want to live my life. and experience it to the fullest. i want to instill that in our daughter. i want to inspire my husband.
my weight and subsequent body image has fluctuated up and down since childhood, really. i'm the first one to point out your beauty, yet have no problem downplaying my own. for the most part, i had a well-adjusted childhood... i went thru growth spurts and puberty like everyone else, save for some extra curves upstairs, thanks to genetics. there are plenty of things i like about me, but i can't say that i've always loved myself. i think thats a work in progress.
as a woman in my 30's, in many ways, i feel like i'm just officially coming into my own. and with that said, it gets harder, blaming the "baby belly" on your nearly 9 year old.
one morning, i woke up and just felt like it was time. that time is sometimes all we have. and that its of the essence because we just have this one time to make a difference. and i think this is one of the first things i've really done for just me, in a really long time. sore muscles aside, its become this sort of joyful part to my day. each morning, i drop bella at school and head for the park. i do my stretches, plug in my earphones and hit the pavement.
i won't lie and say its been easy. in the beginning, it was plain hard. strangely enough, because the hardest lesson hasn't been in pacing myself but in allowing myself to commit to the moment. instead of my usual *hands in 10 different pots*, i'm focusing on me. and in doing so, i'm focusing on God, too.
i'm in transition zone. i couldn't, in all honesty, tell you i've *met my stride*. some days are downright dissapointing. discouraging all around. i've had headaches and nausea and cramps and a host of other maladies. there are the regulars that continue to run circles around me. but each day that i get up and go, is another day that i've met my goal. each extra step or exercise i incorporate, beats my own personal best. and that makes me happy. i feel my clothes just a little looser, my legs just a little stronger, my shoulders squared just a little more.
yesterday, i was so proud of myself for making it around the track 4 times the hard way ~ uhpill. i'd done step-ups on the brick wall in between and was jamming to my tunes, as i hit a slow descent on the trail. one quick combination of not paying attention and hitting a pothole, landed me on 2 very sore, very bloody knees. and i sat there for a few moments, catching my breath and wiping away tears with 2 blood-stained hands, finding irony in the song playing at that exact moment by tenth avenue north. in particular, the line: "i'll be by your side wherever you fall".
i can't pinpoint any one thing that's made a difference or sparked a little something in my spirit. more like a handful of circumstances, lately, that have made me very introspective. jasons' dad's near death experience that landed him in the hospital for nearly a week over easter. the continuing stress with my job and my decision on going back to school just now. the computer - my outlet- going down. jason having a major sa relapse and how truly devastated that's made me. candace, calling again. after all this time.
at a time when ordinarily i'd want to be rescued, i find myself really seeking me out. asking God to change me first. instead of resenting my strength, wanting to embrace that strength and gain more, with His help.
and none of that has been easy.
i've been really sad for a really long time. and i want, more than anything, some balance and rest.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
A long row to hoe
The computer is out at home and might be, indefinately. Looks like i'm gonna have to get used to posting when/if i can.
Spring is on its way..... Been cleaning and planting and trying to get myself planted just abit too. Lots of changes and decisions in the air. I hope your april showers are bringing lots of beautiful flowers.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
day by day
after what i'd like to call a spectacularly miserable and spazztastic last week, i'm trying to take this week one day at a time, enjoying the small things and calling them all victories.
song of the day: "hope now" by addison road. love it.
If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I'm Yours
I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
you'll be pleased to know my interview with the nursing home went smashingly. i think, if possible, i was born for this job. and if, for some reason, God thinks I'm being a tad overzealous on my qualifications, then its time to hit the books, kids, and next month means school.
also, it never ceases to amaze me the amount of *stuff* they never tell you about parenthood. i can handle regurgitated breast milk, diaper explosions, book reports, scraped knees, head wounds,training bras, crushes, the birds and the bees. but its the little things that catch me off-guard.
after a full day of playing and running off energy, full throttle, bella ran in frantically yesterday afternoon and between overly dramatic gasps of air, managed to get out, "my.... stomach.... hurts....!" i immediately asess the situation. did she fall off her wheelies or scooter. could it be her appendix. when was the last time she ate.is she coming down with the flu. perhaps the bubonic plague.
i asked her what she'd been doing when it first started to hurt and she said she and her friend rosie had been in a sit-up contest down by the creek.
ahhhh, i surmised. "those are called muscles".
song of the day: "hope now" by addison road. love it.
If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I'm Yours
I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free
you'll be pleased to know my interview with the nursing home went smashingly. i think, if possible, i was born for this job. and if, for some reason, God thinks I'm being a tad overzealous on my qualifications, then its time to hit the books, kids, and next month means school.
also, it never ceases to amaze me the amount of *stuff* they never tell you about parenthood. i can handle regurgitated breast milk, diaper explosions, book reports, scraped knees, head wounds,training bras, crushes, the birds and the bees. but its the little things that catch me off-guard.
after a full day of playing and running off energy, full throttle, bella ran in frantically yesterday afternoon and between overly dramatic gasps of air, managed to get out, "my.... stomach.... hurts....!" i immediately asess the situation. did she fall off her wheelies or scooter. could it be her appendix. when was the last time she ate.is she coming down with the flu. perhaps the bubonic plague.
i asked her what she'd been doing when it first started to hurt and she said she and her friend rosie had been in a sit-up contest down by the creek.
ahhhh, i surmised. "those are called muscles".
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