can we talk

guess what i'm doing today.

absolutely nothing.

since the plan was to be in nebraska by this time, this month, raring to go for the family reunion, i'd already swapped shifts with a coworker and put in my hours. i've felt mighty useless, having to take the day off but have to admit ice cream for breakfast and lounging in my pj's til 1 in the afternoon has its perks.

i'm in abit of a mood today. some of it's leftover from our 2 hour therapy session with *ed*. some of it's just me. some of it is dissatisfaction. some sadness thrown in, at rearranged plans. i miss my family.

the david crowder song "all that i can say" is my theme song, here lately.

its been a busy week, topped off by mother nature overstaying her welcome. while i'm thinking about it, can i just say i heart carson kressley possibly with more enthusiasm than is socially acceptable. it is in my personal opinion that lifetime's how to look good naked is one of the finest tv shows every created in the history of the world.

i would carry him in my pocket if i could.

i'm a sucker for analogies and a great quote or one-liner. "Letting go is kind of like monkey bars. You need to let go in order to move forward".

that said, i passed my test. woot! but the momentary joy i experienced when opening the letter, quickly faded with the knowledge that it could be up to yet another year before i can even go.

hurry up and wait . bleh.

all of a sudden, after all our foiled attempts at teaching the value of honesty to our daughter, my child has been injected with truth serum on steroids. unfortunately, it's oozing out of pores i never expected. "mama. i just used way too much toilet paper......ummmm, i acidentally just spanked runtz really hard. like twice......i just want to tell you that i licked that spoon before i put it in the mashed potatoes....."

frank's also finally learned how to jump into the litter box. it was inevitable, i suppose, and would appear his favorite snack is now kitty litter. would anyone like a dog.

i was sitting here in my hot-rollers last night, trying to kinda verbalize what i was really wanting to say around these parts. turns out, there's no easy way to just spill it. why in hot rollers? because for some reason i felt the need to un-frumpify myself for our therapy session. it's corny, but i've always felt prettier, more feminine, when my hair is curly. i've never been one of those versatile women that can pull off any chic hair style or color. damn them. but i feel like i'm at least qualified to attend that beauty race if i spritz some curls.

our first counseling session as a couple was filled with 2 heavy hitting hours of so much*stuff* that i couldn't even begin to delve into here. yet for all that good, the one thing that stood out the most in my mind was just a dumb, ugly little phrase.

right before we left to leave, ed asked me point blank: "why do you think jason loves your body? you're no twiggy. you have breasts and curves." "you've got some weight on you."

ugh. that statement has stuck to me like a heavy breakfast of oatmeal on a humid day.

he trailed off into this story of a woman he'd counseled and her body issues and blah,blah,blah ~ i really wasn't paying attention, because he'd caught me totally off guard. he brought it back around to the statement that jason" loves that i'm not perfect because i'm just right. i'm comfortable. soft. that he wasn't looking for a wife. he was looking for a mom he could have sex with. someone to take care of him. transferrance."

now i know i could be and probably am blowing it entirely out of proportion but the truth is, it kind of wounded me. more so, because it was completely off the subject matter at hand. we'd been discussing the rape and how i feel differently towards men in general, how it relates clear back to my childhood.

the thing is, while i am every womans champion to love yourself, my own battle with body image walks a fine line between love and loathing. often.

its just that, without trying to over-rationalize, i don't even think that issue corresponds with what ed's going for. i don't think i hold onto those extra pounds cuz i "don't want to be desired or don't want to enjoy sex, because i feel like i'm not worthy or don't deserve love". you can go ahead and cue ever cliche you can think of, right about here.

do i love my curves, you betcha. do i adore the extra flab thats hung around since childbirth? no....nope, i don't. but most days, i do just fine, chipping away at getting healthier. most days i kinda like myself. alot of the time, i even think i'm one fine, hot mama.

so i just think it kinda sucks that it ever even entered our conversation. its like going to the doctor for a broken toe but being tested for diabetes.

all of a sudden, i felt exposed. and not a little defeated. i wondered if that's all he had noticed. all he had focused on, during our conversation, that i need to lose a few pounds. he'd obviously noticed i had boobs. kinda hard to hide those suckers. i've sat here and doubted myself and even jasons attraction to me ever since. and i've wondered, entirely too much, what physical impression i leave with the people around me. do you see my heart or do you see the double chin and the flabby mid-section.

after it had sat there and festered for a couple days, i got up the courage to casually ask jason what he thought he'd meant by that. unfortunately, the answer i got from my adoring husband was akin to that one time i'd asked him if he thought it was normal for a period to last longer than 8 days. he thought i was taking it entirely too personally ~ he'd taken it as a suggestion to him that he needed to be careful of my feelings toward my body and sex and intimacy after the rape.

anyway, its bothered me. what can i say. and maybe it was nothing. or maybe it was supposed to bother me. maybe that was his intention. after all, he's a therapist. he's supposed to be intuitive and get you to dig a little deeper. maybe he was trying to push me.

all its really made me feel like is a big fat hippo, tho.

:sigh:

our session last night took a turn down a road i really didn't expect to go down. with my first therapist, she'd been more concerned over me being retraumatized by continuing any form of contact or friendship with candace. her prescription was cold, hard closure. ed, being the pastor he is, feels otherwise. 'gave me an assignment to get in contact with candace. ask her forgiveness for me not being there for her. to show her unconditional love.

can i laugh out loud. please.

i see the goodness in what he's trying to say. i do. and i know it in my heart to be true. but digging out my trusty blunt-edged spoon, just so i can stab away at this wound even more? makes me physically sick to my stomach. i can't see myself holding a conversation after everything she's done and said to me. i can't see myself reaching out. picking up the phone. dropping by. this is where my buddhism by osmosis could kick in aaaaany minute.

ridiculous as it sounds, i got caught up in the whole myspace phenomenon when it started, back in the day. matter of fact, kept a blog there for nearly 3 years. it was a quick and easy way to stay in touch with local friends and not have to put forth any more effort than an instant email. more importantly, however, it was an outlet for my writing. but that all came to a dead halt after the rape. and i can honestly say candace and k are the reason i deleted the entire thing and moved here. after all, how do you maintain letting go and getting on with life, if the person(s) that wounded you so badly are right there in your face.

i'm no saint. certainly no martyr. but i tried so hard. sooooo hard after all this happened, to keep my stuff together. to maintain a friendship, if you can call it that. to try to be the glue to hold us all together and get to healing. and i got slapped in the face. over, and over, and over again.

asking me to become a part of her life again? i don't know if i can do that.

and i wanted him to tell me why, when the rest of them get off scott-free.

ed mentioned softly that God is using me. he reminded me how many times Jesus was slapped in the face, and took it.

but just then? you can call me selfish. but i wasn't so sure i wanted to be used anymore. today, looking at our session objectively, and piece by piece, the painful truth is i do want this to be used for good. i do want joy to come out of so much sorrow. but today, like last night, i'm still very hurt, and that doesn't walk away easily.

the c.a.m.p.f.i.r.e. s.o.n.g. song

better known as: "i survived"

weekly reader

did anyone else besides me, love those as a kid?

*flow hauled off and whacked me a good one this week at work. but having to get a pap smear @ 72, i'd have probably done the same. viva la job.

*due to a last minute swarm of enrollment, bella unfortunately did not get to keep the same teacher she started out with. but, i'm twice as pleased with her replacement: imagine comedienne loni love and queen latifah all rolled up in one. i love her.

*unfortunately i'm not pregnant. foiled again by mother nature, such a fickle little tart.

*even more unfortunate, the cat that we so graciously and *temporarily* took in for my friend christy, while she tries to get life back in order, is pregnant. the hooch. also, it would appear she has morning sickness. of the vomiting kind. on my carpet. every day.

*i'm embaressed to admit i've become a fan of "so you think you can dance" & enjoy it possibly a little too much,tho i have conflicting feelings on this one. i realize, to the network, its all in the name of *art*. but they often walk a thin line between what can appear beautiful and sexually explicit in some of the routines. you'll notice, however, i'm still watching. i've never claimed to be perfect. after watching joshua and katee's samba, i turned to jason and said, "ok. jason castro is officially bumped off my 'backup list'. its joshua all the way." he just nodded back, solemnly, "as it should be".

*i'm still waiting for my letter. the letter. either: "welcome to nursing, you magnificent prodigy, you. or "better hit the dummy book harder, crazy loon."

sigh.

somewhere, in the midst of all this grandeur i like to call my life, i decided it'd be fun to get a summer cold. why not. i woke up this morning with a head that weighed 300 lbs and i'm pretty sure my throat grew an adams apple overnight.

and to top it all off, with any luck, we'll be getting lost sometime late this afternoon, on a camping adventure. to be fair, jason has been trying to plan this for the past 2 months and despite all 3 choices for guest parties baling on us for the comfort of the posh indoors, jason is determined to make this the Best Camp-Out Ever. which leaves me, with my snot-nosed, bleeding ovaries to cowgirl up and do my part to make it so.

so whilst i'll be communing (read, battling) with nature at its finest , you enjoy your weekend.

pray for no bears.

simplicity

i'm catching snippets of inspiration here and there, these days, like snowflakes on child's curious tongue. and these moments find me blessed.

i've had some crushing blows to my overall sanity lately. dissapointments in the last little while. plans that got changed and rearranged. emotions, all too close to the surface.

i always find it interesting that not matter how long i've been away from church, the particular sermon on the day of my return, always strikes a chord; its purpose, for me. what with our beach trip, family reunions and the like, we've been gone nearly a month. and keeping up with our theme "pathways" at church, this week, we were challenged to walk the pathway of simplicity.

its ironic, he/He chose this now...my life so full of unexpected twists and turns. all the hurry up and wait, the no time, the faster, stronger, deeper.

i like to catch the show, "little people, big world" from time to time. the mom, especially, inspires me. amy faces life's challenges head-on, and as a mother, i find her so inspirational. i watched a particular episode this week, wherein she pondered her oldest twins' heart, on the brink of manhood: his struggles, his uncertainties, his lust for life.

it touched me then, as it does now, today. as a mom, your heart aches, sometimes, for this innocence. with every new phase and rite of passage, comes growth and change. also, a loss, of sorts. i'll never forget the day i realized bella understood what embaressment was, for the first time. i think it cracked my heart, just a little, to know that my fearless wonder, would now hesitate where once she did not, with this new-found understanding.

on her first day of kindergarten, she was off and running, as we knew she would be. not one to shy away from anything, she'd made friends in the first 5 minutes. when her teacher had to remind the parents that yes, they could indeed leave now, it was me that hung back just a minute too long, looking wistfully at my little girl, pigtails flying. it was me that gave a half-wave and blew a kiss goodbye. me, that turned around just one more time to look.

today, bella begins 3rd grade, in a new school. they had a big assembly in the gym before dismissing to classrooms. and i saw it again, that new childhood territory to be crossed. today the new girl in a new place, bella hesitated just a little. she sat just a little too close to me and looped her arm in mine as we all stood to say the pledge of allegiance.

when we found her assigned room, she quickly picked out a desk in the front, a little of her fearlessness shining through. and i could have kissed the teacher that walked in. at once, both commanding attention, but with the warmth of a million hugs all in one small package. 3rd grace seemed just a little less intimidating, a little less scary, as she walked us thru the formalities and bella looked back at me from time to time to catch my reassuring smile.

my little independent bug actually needed me today. and i have to say, it felt really good.

my prayer for this year is that it be a marked difference for my strong willed little red-head that pushes full-throttle so much. that the change and growth to come, will be good and spectacular. that she will embrace it head-on, as she does. that her beautiful spirit will shine. and her beautiful voice be heard.

on our way to jasons parents the other day, jason stopped short of the neighbors and waved a hello to the elderly woman weeding her flowers. she squinted just a moment before clapping her hands together and walked over the to car: "well, jason, if it hasn't been years", she exclaimed.

as the 2 caught up on old times and new news, she squeezed my arm and winked, "he was always the best boy", she told me.

she went on to talk about her children, all grown, that don't come back much anymore. her grandchildren, her first great-grandchild this year; her pride and joy. she talked about her husband not getting out of the house much anymore, how things change as you age, how nothing really turns out the way you thought it ought to....

she shook her head, " you work 40 years and then you're told to retire. but getting old just means getting up to go to the doctor in the morning instead of work." she laughed and squeezed my arm again, "if i can tell you young folks anything, its this:"

let the work go. and just enjoy eachother."

for some reason, that's stuck with me. much of my outward life embraces a theme of simplicity. you could call it a character flaw, i suppose, for i work hard to maintain it. and tho it may appear lovely to those outside, looking in, my inward life is often cluttered, overwhelmed, chaotic. all my projects and deadlines, all the pressures i allow to envelope me. its a slow journey, this one, that finds me trying to gently untangle, unravel.

i fall, and often.

but i refuse to say i fail. i grow and change, i ebb and flow. there are moments, when i am very frail and weak. and moments when my strength ~ Gods strength, pushes through. this song, if you will, is imperfect and flawed, in my eyes. but it is His song. and in his eyes, i am perfect.

angela, it is with respect, i borrow Gods whisper:

It is My song. I am just asking you to keep your hands steady on the bow

first days

kindergarten

1st grade

2nd grade

3rd grade

i am overwhelmingly, exceedingly, abundantly sad tonite.

life sucks.

freedom

if i were a superhero, i totally think my super-human power would be invisible sweat.

i was all toe-deep in integers and improper fractions and such when i smelled the smoke. so since i'm not fond of forest fires, i'm letting the ol' noggin cool down a sec. and as an aside? i don't *get* algebra. seriously, whats the point? this was my one, count it, one hard subject in high school. 15 or so odd years later, the mental block is unfortunately (and quite obviously) still there.

and it is the one thing that has me nervous about my pre-test.

why..... its not fun..... and when am i going to need to diagram the square root of a formula for giving someone a shot in the ol derriere, eh? i think i can count by quarts or whatever it is they measure for innoculations these days.

sunday afternoon, i drug jason to barnes & noble with me on the pretense of getting a java chip frappucino. and while he reveled in his brain freeze, blissfully unaware, i sat trying to decipher which of the "algebra for dummies" books was easier to comprehend.

i was all about to say something really intelligent when an old school buddy of jasons' stopped by our table and i cringed inwardly, praying frantically that my invisible sweat would kick in. unfortunately, God totally flaked on me. so instead, i smiled sheepishly and said hello, smoothly trying to turn my book over, all in one flawless maneuver. i know.... sweet.

the big deal was that this particular friend is one of those super smart people that make you feel dumb just standing next to them. you start to drool unconsciously and talk with a stutter. he recently came back from overseas, africa, i think, where he set up computer networks for some global company.

he did a little catch-up with jason and then lifted my book off the table while i let out an involuntary sound, not unlike that of a mouth fart.

"ahhhh. ...... sounds fun. going back to school?"

now. while i died, a sick tragic, twisted death, jason proudly announced that yes, i was. nursing, to be exact.

meanwhile, i think his ol buddy actually choked, trying not to laugh, because i know that he was subtly glancing from that book to me, trying his darndest to take a mental picture for the time he gets hospitalized with his ruptured spleen and needs to ask for someone other than nurse kat, who brushed up on her math via a guide for dummies book.

but lifes' funny, no?

for all this fear i have about passing the test? i'm finding little joys along with every other chapter of my dummy book. 2 girls i know are registered for the fall classes as well and i think that would just rock, to not have to go it alone.

my newfound friendship with hope at work has become an unexpected blessing. and each time we've worked together lately, i've discovered even more depth and beauty in her spirit.

jason and i were all set to start couples counseling last saturday, when my resident doctor lady again called to reschedule. and i won't lie. buddy, it had my knickers in a real funky-tut. so when i called tuesday to just cancel the whole bloomin' thing, i wasn't expecting a man to answer the phone. nor was i expecting to just blast him from one end to the other with my frustrations. nor did i have any idea that he is a) a pastor and b) the head counselor.

heh.

that whole "God works in mysterious ways" thing? gets me every time.

so with much trepidation, i did a switcharoo. and as it turns out, it kinda ended up being an answered prayer.

i know you probably don't want to hear all the gory details. but for me, this time in my life is huge. and the very fact that jason and i ended up in a therapists office, when a year ago we were ready to hit the trail? is a beautiful thing.

i hope you all get to watch some fireworks tomorrow night. and i hope that your inner child will ooh and ahh with the best of 'em. but i also hope you'll give yourself a minute or two to just take it in. all of it. all of this. that we're so richly blessed with in our lives.