simplicity

i'm catching snippets of inspiration here and there, these days, like snowflakes on child's curious tongue. and these moments find me blessed.

i've had some crushing blows to my overall sanity lately. dissapointments in the last little while. plans that got changed and rearranged. emotions, all too close to the surface.

i always find it interesting that not matter how long i've been away from church, the particular sermon on the day of my return, always strikes a chord; its purpose, for me. what with our beach trip, family reunions and the like, we've been gone nearly a month. and keeping up with our theme "pathways" at church, this week, we were challenged to walk the pathway of simplicity.

its ironic, he/He chose this now...my life so full of unexpected twists and turns. all the hurry up and wait, the no time, the faster, stronger, deeper.

i like to catch the show, "little people, big world" from time to time. the mom, especially, inspires me. amy faces life's challenges head-on, and as a mother, i find her so inspirational. i watched a particular episode this week, wherein she pondered her oldest twins' heart, on the brink of manhood: his struggles, his uncertainties, his lust for life.

it touched me then, as it does now, today. as a mom, your heart aches, sometimes, for this innocence. with every new phase and rite of passage, comes growth and change. also, a loss, of sorts. i'll never forget the day i realized bella understood what embaressment was, for the first time. i think it cracked my heart, just a little, to know that my fearless wonder, would now hesitate where once she did not, with this new-found understanding.

on her first day of kindergarten, she was off and running, as we knew she would be. not one to shy away from anything, she'd made friends in the first 5 minutes. when her teacher had to remind the parents that yes, they could indeed leave now, it was me that hung back just a minute too long, looking wistfully at my little girl, pigtails flying. it was me that gave a half-wave and blew a kiss goodbye. me, that turned around just one more time to look.

today, bella begins 3rd grade, in a new school. they had a big assembly in the gym before dismissing to classrooms. and i saw it again, that new childhood territory to be crossed. today the new girl in a new place, bella hesitated just a little. she sat just a little too close to me and looped her arm in mine as we all stood to say the pledge of allegiance.

when we found her assigned room, she quickly picked out a desk in the front, a little of her fearlessness shining through. and i could have kissed the teacher that walked in. at once, both commanding attention, but with the warmth of a million hugs all in one small package. 3rd grace seemed just a little less intimidating, a little less scary, as she walked us thru the formalities and bella looked back at me from time to time to catch my reassuring smile.

my little independent bug actually needed me today. and i have to say, it felt really good.

my prayer for this year is that it be a marked difference for my strong willed little red-head that pushes full-throttle so much. that the change and growth to come, will be good and spectacular. that she will embrace it head-on, as she does. that her beautiful spirit will shine. and her beautiful voice be heard.

on our way to jasons parents the other day, jason stopped short of the neighbors and waved a hello to the elderly woman weeding her flowers. she squinted just a moment before clapping her hands together and walked over the to car: "well, jason, if it hasn't been years", she exclaimed.

as the 2 caught up on old times and new news, she squeezed my arm and winked, "he was always the best boy", she told me.

she went on to talk about her children, all grown, that don't come back much anymore. her grandchildren, her first great-grandchild this year; her pride and joy. she talked about her husband not getting out of the house much anymore, how things change as you age, how nothing really turns out the way you thought it ought to....

she shook her head, " you work 40 years and then you're told to retire. but getting old just means getting up to go to the doctor in the morning instead of work." she laughed and squeezed my arm again, "if i can tell you young folks anything, its this:"

let the work go. and just enjoy eachother."

for some reason, that's stuck with me. much of my outward life embraces a theme of simplicity. you could call it a character flaw, i suppose, for i work hard to maintain it. and tho it may appear lovely to those outside, looking in, my inward life is often cluttered, overwhelmed, chaotic. all my projects and deadlines, all the pressures i allow to envelope me. its a slow journey, this one, that finds me trying to gently untangle, unravel.

i fall, and often.

but i refuse to say i fail. i grow and change, i ebb and flow. there are moments, when i am very frail and weak. and moments when my strength ~ Gods strength, pushes through. this song, if you will, is imperfect and flawed, in my eyes. but it is His song. and in his eyes, i am perfect.

angela, it is with respect, i borrow Gods whisper:

It is My song. I am just asking you to keep your hands steady on the bow