late night prayer requests

i hate money. i hate the stress it places on me. i hate the negativity. the sheer helplessness that threatens to take me over time and time again BECAUSE of it.

i hate my "sad face".

i've worked 7 days straight with school and 1 double shift thrown in for good measure.

as of tomorrow, i have 19 straight more to go.

i am beyond exhausted.

bella's school essay is due. scholastic book orders are here. her church group is performing on sunday.

my car won't start. the tumbler/ignition box/whatever its called is not accepting our keys. 1 mechanic quoted us a $60 part and $50 labor. the DEALER informs us he doesn't know what we're talking about and would need us to bring it in. hard to do when you can't start it. even harder when you don't have the money to fix it, nor pay for a tow truck.

jasons car is costing us $10 a day in gas back and forth to school. its sucking the gas and we're enveloped in fumes when driving it.

bellas Girls On The Run 5 k is the first weekend in december. with the events of the last few weeks, we haven't been able to go walk/run with her every day like i'd so determinted to do. i feel like i'm letting her down, and within the last 2 weeks, she's had such bad attitudes and behaviors at home and school. they've come completely out of left field, and by the end of each night, we've been drained, trying to understand where this is coming from and how to fix it. yesterday, she burst into tears in the dressing room of a uniform store. and i know there's so much more to her heart and her hurting right now. and i hate that i'm not even near scraping the botttom of the problem.

after assuming uniforms would not be an issue, jasons' scrubs alone cost me $85 yesterday and i discovered i'll be unable to use the ones i have. which means scrambling to find some at thrift stores sometime between now and monday.

our savings are depleted because of Jason being unemployed for the last 6 months.his unemployment checks run out next week. he'll receive a final check for $40. which will not cover his gas for the week, not to mention bills that are due.

we're hoping and praying and believing he'll be eligible for an extension to get us thru til january. but i'm scared to death about the possibility of the next 3 weeks withOUT his unemployment checks and him being unable to look for work while finishing clinicals. or worse, that THAT pressure will take precedence and he gives it up before reaching his goal of taking his state boards.

God, this journey has hit a really rough bend in the road. and i'm having such a hard time, hiding this fear from jason and bella. bella is running a fever tonite and its 3 in the morning and i can't sleep and i'm on my knees. and i need to let this go.

i'm thanking you for blessing us. for getting us thru this. i'm thanking you for health and family and grace. for your neverending, boundless, infinite love.

i'm asking that you take care of the man in my class, whose electricity is being turned off tonite. i wish so badly that i would have had the extra money today to pay his bill. i ask that you please keep him warm. that you protect him. that you hold him, as you hold me.

i'm asking that you heal bella. that you take whatever this is and throw it away. that you keep jason and me healthy to finish the task ahead.

and i'm asking that you keep me strong. i don't understand the circumstances right now. and i'm overcome by it. fully and completely. i feel like my faith is so tiny and insignificant. please forgive me for that and see my heart.

please just hold me.

hurry up and slow down

some days other people just say it better

movie moments

i love movies. especially the ones that grab ya up and squeeze you, in all the right places. the ones that make you laugh and cry and think, and come away, changed.



we watched this incredible movie the other nite. 'cried my eyes out. and any review i could give wouldn't even do it justice. its just simple and beautiful and refreshing.

and you should watch it.

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one of my all time favorite childrens books has always been Where The Wild Things Are. so i don't know who was more excited, when we saw the movie trailer floating around for it a couple months ago ~ me or bella.

after a really long day at work last weekend, i arrived home to find jason and bella waiting for me at the door. bella grabbed my hand and said, "we thought you could use a night out, mama. we're gonna go take a drive and enjoy the fall at night". i chuckled, and tho all i really wanted to do was sit down and relax, i was curious at what they were up to and told her that sounded great.

it was a really beautiful night, so i guess you could say we "enjoyed the fall" abit, on their roundabout way to their surprise for me: tickets to the movies.

and i hafta say it was wonderful. in every way, shape and form. i think one of my most favorite things about the book, is its simplicity. and i wondered how that would translate to the screen. i also wondered if kids would really be able to grasp the concept.



i heard a review saying its "not so much a childrens movie but a movie about being a child." and i agree. its not cute and fluffy, even tho the characters are cuddly looking. there are very real deep, dark and sad moments in the movie. and while i think critics might be somewhat divided,i gotta tell ya....for all the kids at heart out there, my hats' off to spike jonze. i found his adaptation absolutely brilliant.

and kids do get it.

i don't know if i'd have chosen to take bella, had i seen it first. but in reality, i'm glad we did.

each *wild thing* represents an emotion or even a series of emotions inside of us. and i think thats what tugs at your heartstrings' the most in this film. at the lead, there's max, an adventurous and rambunctious little boy, who's struggling with all these pent up feelings inside him and what to do with them. so he escapes into his imagination and to the land of the wild things, where he becomes their king.

the main wild thing is carol who represents the anger and frustration that lives in every child. the part of you that thought life was going to be easier than this... the part that lashes out, capable of the deepest sadness and the most fiery rage. kw is the wide open, gentle, free spirit searching for peace and something better, hesitant to commit. douglas is the tried and true friend; wise and thoughtful. judith is the thorn in everyone's side, quick to sarcasm, her main defense mechanism. ira is her goodhearted, bumbling companion. content in finding his one true talent, yet struggling to find his place. alexandar suffers from low self esteem and often stands off to the side, feeling as tho he's not being heard. and the bull is the strong, quiet one, who observes, and takes his place as he's needed.

i promise no spoilers. but there's a scene in the movie where max sets sail, and carol has a sudden, very significant realization. its a pivotol moment. but i wasn't prepared for bella's reaction.

she'd sat, mesmerized, during the entire movie. she'd been so excited and brought her book with her to follow along, grabbing my arm when it got to every next page.

in the scene, carol races to the edge of the water and roars in understanding.

and bella burst into tears, just sobbing her heart out. she cried all the way out of the theatre, holding both of our hands and once in the car, it took several minutes before she was actually able to calm down long enough to hiccup out that she loved it. that she knows how max feels with all those wild things inside him. cuz she feels that way too sometimes.

and i held her and told her thats what makes it so great tho.... cuz we all have those emotions. and just like all the wild things wanted max to make everything better, they found out he couldn't please everyone. and that change started with each of them. beginning with love.

and i love that she loved it. and that she got it. and that it grabbed her up and squeezed her in all the right places.

the fall

i love this old barn. its one of my most favorite places to go in east tennessee. when i need a minute to think and need a breath of fresh air, its stands there solid, never failing to bring a sense of joy. and strength.

autumn is, hands down, my favorite season of the year, with the months of september and october a particular treat for me. i love everything about it. the beautiful colors and delicious smells. the change in weather; crisp cool air, clear night skies. wood burning stoves. fall mums, hot stew. the promise of halloween, thanksgiving and christmas right around the corner.

but this fall has been hard for me, for a number of personal reasons. my heart and my head have been hurting. and its a very tender hurt. i understand that this season is meant to be one of change, and with that, growth. but with growing, often comes not a small amount of pain.

in His perfect reasoning and ultimate plan, God has chosen for me several thorns to rest in my side, this season of my life. and i've not been the most graceful, getting through the brambles.

my boss has been one such thorn. and after one of my particularly long tirades over the phone, my mom gently asked if i've prayed for her. really prayed. and i had to admit, while i'd spent plenty of time feeling hurt by or being angry at this woman, i'd never once included her in my prayers.

i've seen so many things in this industry, working with the mentally challenged. more than i care to even acknowledge. bad things. wrong things. things that sadden my heart; that i often feel helpless to change.

but its not just work. things are shifting in my life at home as well. in commitments and obligations and relationships. and i'm having a really difficult time, sifting thru my discouragement and what i know to be my own displaced anger and resentment.

candace, after all this time, has entered our life again. and i'm torn between feeling the need to show love and grace, yet so very hesitant in what to do with the hurt that i feel i will always carry. i've worked so hard to forgive and to let go. but that will never take away from the fact that her husband raped me. nor the pain and the long & winding road to forgiveness and healing that his one act has forced my family and i to take...

i came home from work in tears the other night. the events of the day had been the straw to break the camels back, and i barely got the key in the ignition before the tears started flowing. arriving home, the house was empty. and i cried. deep, longing sobs, asking God to hold me.

and when i opened my devotion book that night, it was to the following line.....

When God places a burden on you, He places his arms underneath you.

i'm going thru a rough spot right now. and i hope you'll bear with me, as i take it one step at a time.

our pastor sends a memo every monday and i really got comfort out of his email this week, referencing luke 10:41-42, where Jesus spoke with Martha, telling her "you are worried and bothered by so many things. but only one thing is necessary."

i think there are moments for all of us, when we just need to be reminded of that.

and this....

God wants you to know that what you are most afraid of is where your greatest rewards are. If all you had to do was wish for something and you would have it, life would be pretty boring, wouldn't it? God places barriers between us and what we want, so we can enjoy interesting and satisfying lives. God hid our biggest rewards behind the highest barriers - our deepest fears. God wants us to face our fears, and hold ground in their presence, and let them go, and that's how we get out biggest rewards.

and so today, i'm reminding myself that letting go is one such fear that i need to overcome. and that my God is a God of restoration, redemption and rescue.

kat is having a very, very, very bad day.