meltdowns

this is an excellent read:

http://www.chattingatthesky.com/2011/07/05/how-to-take-a-vacation/

"you can breathe in the deep mountain air along with all your worries...."

amen.

they did a special service sunday, in celebration of the 4th of july. so things were done differently. and there was never a *good* time to dismiss the kids for childrens church without disrupting the entire congregation, so i didn't. i thought, maybe, like with so many other things, they just "forgot" to include me on the "plan". i leaned over during the special singing & whispered to jason, wondering if i was supposed to stay or go. he shrugged his shoulders, just as confused as i was.

fast forward 2 hours later & I was returning a call from the pastors wife, wondering if there was "something wrong....why hadn't i taken the kids over...we had several kids show up that day and then there was little rose that started crying in the middle of the service, interrupting the sermon..."

unfortunately, after a long & strenuous week, it was the icing on a very large cake, for me, and i hate to admit it, but i dissolved in a heap of tears, the moment i hung up the phone.

i've been struggling with so many of the *little things* in the *low places* over the past many weeks.

i know we go thru these valleys...these low places, for a reason. that there is a lesson in the quiet moments. the moments that seems to stand still and stagnant. but sometimes, it seems we're stuck there for awhile & i can't help but feel like my faith must not be strong enough or theres' a lesson i'm missing along the way.

on the way home, my power steering pump had gone out. yet another costly need in the ever growing mental list i keep. i'd worked overtime all week, in part to keep me busy & not thinking about the upcoming holiday. and mostly, to store up some extra money to finish paying off my car.

i admit i don't understand. i don't know why some of us seem to struggle & struggle & struggle, even tho we're trying so hard to do everything right. there are times, when i feel like the closer i try to get to God, the farther he backs up. i tried to do the right thing by dropping my shift to help with my father in law & husbands grandmother. but now he's passed and she's in the nursing home and i'm stuck thinking about how dissapointed i am with the lack of hours and more importantly, pay. its in those moments, its harder to be grateful that i have a job, and easier to bask in the unfairness of the circumstance.

i'm trying so hard to get out from under this car payment. and yet one thing after another has gone wrong with the car, adding to the overall final cost that just seems to keep adding up, rather than going down. all that overtime i put in last week will do little more than pay the repair bill now, instead of paying it off.

my days seem largely, monotonous. one after the other. and i feel like the mother bird with a nest full of babies, all with their mouths open, needing to be fed.

we are blessed to have enough. no, we're not starving, tho i can't always afford groceries. we can still afford gas in our car. we still have a roof over our head. but some days, i'm ashamed to admit that i am so ungrateful. because some days i want just a little more than that enough, instead of bitter dissapointments.

the 4th was incredibly hard for me. i missed my family horribly & tho their intentions to include me with their calls were heartfelt, it felt like a knife in my chest every time i answered the phone. its not their problem i chose to live 1200 miles away. but the fact is, i do. and the fact is, that i'm angry we seem to only manage to barely scrape by and i'm angry that i didn't have the money to go back home to visit this year.

i cook and clean and take care of things & people at home. then i go to work and cook and clean and take care of things and people in another home. and i go to church on sundays & go down in my little basement and entertain a room full of children so i can take care of things and people there too. so their parents can sit and enjoy the sermon in peace. and slowly, this becomes my life. and slowly, i am deeply, deeply depressed.

i'm tired of mothering. i'm tired of aswering questions and solving problems and taking the intitiative. of being the one with the backup plan. the one they can count on.

and today i'm very, very sad.