gravity

well you'll be pleased as punch to learn i've moved on since my late sunday night tirade and that no, i'm not holed up in bed, still leaking like a faucet and mourning my existence.

coincidentally, that particular entry was a product of the very first time i'd ever taken the laptop to work with me. since purging the home phone and modem that we could never use last week (thanks for the memories, Embarq) and going to the air-card, (God bless Sprint). all of a sudden the internet has become available. Whenever We Want It.

and friends, it is a beautiful and glorious and technicolor thing.

however, note to self, not so, at 3 am. at work. with too much time on my hands and in full-fledged melt-down mode.

next time, i intend to spend my energy dusting. or cleaning grout. or here's an idea. maaaaybe, i dunno, praying.

so last night, tossing and turning, searching in vain for sleep, i spent alot of time doing just that; praying. and doing plenty of thinking.

my weight and overall body image has been recently, pardon the pun, heavy on my mind. and i blame it for everything. my inability to get pregnant. the fact that i'm just not as into sex as my dear husband. or i catch a snippet of dr oz, talking about belly fat and diabetes and my brain just goes into overdrive, because i've lived in fear for so long that i might develop diabetes like my mom if i don't get myself straight. healthier.

echhh. if i could get my body to exercise as much as my brain? we'd be in an iron-man this summer.

everyone remember counselor ed? raise of hands. right. the dear, exasperating yet well intentioned therapist that jason and i went to for a period of time after the rape.

last night, i was remembering in morbid detail, the one particular session wherein he single-handedly crushed what just might have been left of my very fragile dignity and self-image. i was halfway through explaining how abandoned i'd felt by jason through the aftermath of what had happened, when ed switched gears and to jasons rescue and defense, questioned the *mother role* i played in our relationship.... what jason had been searching for. and why not. because i appear motherly, in all aspects. "soft and cushiony", i believe, were his exact words. and he wondered if my weight wasn't something i hid behind.

anyway. all this time later, i wonder if his somewhat lopsided "counseling" didn't have a little more to it, after all. because sometimes, i wonder if my outside hasn't just been representing all that heaviness my insides have been holding onto.

food for thought....

at any rate, God was awesome and made yesterday gorgeous and gave me the slightest hope for spring. so i celebrated by whisking bella off to the park after school and playing and taking a good long walk, which was delicious.

today, i tried on some of that loaded oatmeal that lorrie brags about. turns out, i'm a late bloomer on the oatmeal love too. bella, not so much a fan. but ya can't blame a mom for trying.

and then, i went back to my favorite park and walked 2 miles around the trails.

and it felt great.

happy tuesday.

kermit

his name makes me angry. it brings out feelings of such absolute rage and pain that i can't even begin to explain.

before now, i've always called him k.

but in the spirit of bitterness, and yet intent on healing,tonight, i say his name.

so many times, i've thought i'd moved past all "this". that i've forgiven. that i'm in a healthy place.

but i hear his name and it all comes back. the rape. the mangling of lives.

he and jason talked tonite. jason, spurred on by my anger and tears. kermit told him he's changed. he's had to "grow up and take care of his family". that he's trying to stop the lies. that he's had a porn addiction.

really.

3 years after the fact.

i think its all well and fine and great when people move on with their lives. get their stuff together. fix themselves. they've "got straight with God"

and its great, too, that they can hide behind a tagline like "addiction" and on their own, *poof* call themselves "better".

so now he's a recovering sex addict. right?

in the meantime, how do they ever make peace with what they've done.

or rather, how do i make peace with it.

how do i continue to shrug it off. and if this is the lot that i'm dealt, how do i live in the day to day, fighting my way thru all the depression and emotion and hurt and ugliness that's barely bottled up inside all that is me.

3 years. three. and its still just as fresh and painful.

and every time. EVERY TIME, i think i've given it to God, that its too much for me to bear, i find myself in this place.

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this comes on the tail end of a letter i received from my paternal grandmother back in january. its taken me this long to respond. if ever i had to thank someone for my passive aggressive tendencies, mabel be her name; every letter of hers filled with how well off the rest of my family is, and how awful, for me, that i'm not like them.

i've not interacted with my birth dad in 10 years. a fact that i imagine to be sad, yet i feel nothing. mostly. truth be told, i feel alot more than i allow myself to dwell on. because, whats the point.

every year, i send a christmas card and a picture of my daughter. every year, i get no response.

this year, a month late, my grandmother, his mother, sent a letter and $50 for bella. she also enclosed a pictorama of their 60th anniversary celebration at the lake. bright photos of everyone on that side of my family. everyone but me. i was surprised i was even mentioned, in small print, towards the bottom.

but staring at those pictures, my father, 2 siblings i barely know, aunts and uncles, cousins now with children of their own, it was so painful.

i remember a time, long, long ago, when i had a "place" there with them. no, i never really fit in, they made sure of that. but i remember christmases and early morning fishing trips with my grandfather.

i remember alot of things....

so it took me until this last week to send a reply. i kept my letter light and airy, full of fluff and filler. and i jovially congratulated them on their festivities, mentioning only that with me being so far away, its easy to lose touch with so many of the family and they must've forgot to invite me, smiley face, but boy, did it look like they had fun!

and then i sent a letter to my birth dad. getting some things off my chest. simple. direct. to the point.

and i let it go.

or did i.

i'm in such an awkward place tonight. God has blessed my socks off lately. i've so much to be thankful....grateful for. happy about. but then these little things, they ease their way into my joy like tiny sand crystals filling in all the cracks. uncomfortable. and eventually, agonizing. torture.

my dad ~ my stepdad ~ has given me so much love. and thru his family, i always had a place to belong. i had a full childhood with so many good things. a sister. memories. an enormous extended family.

but there IS that hole that i can't explain, in the place of my biological dad. he doesn't want me. its entirely possible he never did. but that emptiness is there, still, after all these years. and all this time.

my marriage is in a stable place right now. but there is a hole there, filled with pain and hurt and mistrust and resentment. and try as i might to dig it out, get rid of it, it is there.

and kermit is there. my rape is there. how does that go away. fairly. justly.

my sister is pregnant. and friends, whom we've been tentatively planning a vacation with next year, giddily announced recently that they're expecting, by way of proudly showing off a pregnancy test, and smiling knowingly at eachother, saying that our trip might be on hiatus for awhile.

so i do what i always do. i gulped and plastered on a huge smile.

because i'm happy for them; my sister and friend. i am. i'm SO happy for them. over the MOON happy, even. and when we talk about baby things, its with genuine love and excitement and wishes and prayers for all the best things for them.

but inwardly, i cry. so hard and so long. because i've wanted and tried for another baby for so long and honestly, in my heart of hearts, feel its never going to happen for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

there are these moments when i feel so very horrible and inadequate. that i'm fat and insignificant and a hot mess and absolutely unstable. incapable. unloveable. and sometimes the pain from that is just so incredibly intense.

and while probably quite abit of all that is true, its also a blatant lie.

and i know that its just a moment.

and kermit, is just a name.

i want the men in my life...all of them, to love me and not hurt me so badly. i want them to own up to their mistakes. i want to understand why. i want to be held and taken care of. just once.

but i know God is taking care of me. even and especially when i don't feel those arms holding me.

i had a really good devotion tonight. my emotions have run the gauntlet and i have alot to think about. so i'll leave you with this:

February 21 - Nothing Can Hurt

The way is plain. You don't need to see far ahead. Just one step at a time with Me. The same light to guide you as the Hosts of Heaven know -- the Son of Righteousness Himself.

Only self can cast a shadow on the way. Be more afraid of your spirit-unrest, of soul-disturbance, of any ruffling of the Spirit, than of earthquake or fire or any outside forces.Because these are the only times when evil can find an entrance, and are keenly alert for one such unguarded spot, through which an arrow can pierce and do havoc.

When you feel the absolute calm has been broken -- come away alone with Me until your heart sings, and all is strong and calm.em>