the pregnant pause

fraught with meaning...right?

i read the greatest post today over on So Every Day where she talks about the Shema:

Hear O Israel. The Lord is your God. The Lord alone. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your might . And love your neighbor as yourself.

did i mention i heart you, keigley family? you inspire me.

it put me right at the core of where i'm at in my own life right now and how i've been concentrating, really, realllllly hard on loving and being the bigger person. especially when "i don't wanna".

there's a coworker of mine. ooooh, that girl. she can make my blood boil. but despite what they tell you about revenge, turns out the smallest change of attitude on MY part goes a loooong way.

and there's the little neighbor girl. i've had the hardest time lately, being graceful under fire, so to speak. thats a blog for another day, but lets just say i'm praying daily to be that good example....while i'm tackling that learning curve.

Despite all my angst and inner/outer yearning for a church home after we'd made the difficult decision to leave ours several months ago, God moved us in to just the right spot in His own unique way. i didn't see that coming. but i'm oh-so-grateful.

there are changes and challenges and new people and circumstances in my life right now. and its good. change is good.

i watched Eat Pray Love. excellent words to live by and some really good life lessons along the way, tho not nearly the sheer awesome wonder i'd anticipated. still...good.

we had a really nice, low-key thanksgiving. quiet. i made 2 seperate meals ~ one for work and the other for jasons' family. after work and being up for 48 hours straight, i was exhausted when it was all said and done but in the aftermath, i slept better than i have in a long time.

a good friend is pregnant. i can't lie. i've been a smidge jealous and apparently having sympathy cravings. i took a pregnancy test just to be sure. but nope, the result came back: "you've settled into fatness. welcome to winter."

coincidentally, the treadmill and i are still loathesome lovers.

i stopped in to see an old friend yesterday. a dear friend. its something i've meant to do for a long while. but there's always excuses. i bumped into a family member a week ago at walmart. i had a car full of tweens, eager to grab snacks for their slumber party as she and i stood in the parking lot, awkwardly tried to converse. she finally blurted out she was sorry she hadn't been by to see jasons dad. that she expects any day to get *that phone call*. but "life gets busy".

we went our seperate ways, me sorting thru my frustration, yet realizing thats what we all say, isn't it? life gets busy.

what really happens, is that WE get in the way.

so i got out of my way yesterday. i messaged my friend and made arrangements and i made up a goodie bag with a long overdue housewarming gift. she loved it. and we sat and caught up over coffee and fresh sourdough bread and 2 pet rats.

awesome.

tomorrow is december. and i've never been more excited to embark on a new month.

on looking that gift horse in the mouth

have you ever wanted something really, really bad... so much so, you could practically taste it? and you're convinced that if you just had said item, life would be so much grander and everything would just magically fall into place. only to get it, and for some reason or another, discover its a huge dissapointment....

so i've been working on this whole balancing act thing....trying to see the good in circumstances that aren't always so stellar. forgiving myself when i don't make mom-of-the-year every day, or if go over my calories, and working on things like resting and exercising when i can. and meanwhile, i've been thinking ahead, and daydreaming of things like that *maybe* vacation next year and that *maybe* treadmill some day so i won't have an excuse not to still sweat a little when it gets a little too cold outside. and i've been happy...God's been so good.

so we were visiting some friends a week or so ago and while the men did manly things and the kids ran around enjoying the last bits of summer, my friend & i sliced and diced in the kitchen, preparing to grill out, and talked about girl stuff. we made a date to try out her new EA sports game on the wii one of these weekends when the guys go fishing and i mentioned that i'd love to see about finding a used treadmill when we file income taxes.

turns out they had one in storage up at her inlaws. her husband had bought one for her a couple years ago and the very next week they discovered she was pregnant, so it quickly went by the wayside and ended up being hauled off. and as our talk turned excitedly towards the prospect of digging it out for me, i couldn't help but believe God's awesome timing and blessing.

all this week, i've dreamt about it. hoping, maybe just a little selfishly,that they wouldn't change their mind....wondering how big it was and where i'd put it in our teeny tiny trailer. but come yesterday, yes, they did still want to let us have it, and as we drove out to pick it up, i could barely contain my excitement.

her inlaws live in a big cabin on the top of a mountain, so i imagined it would be stored away in a closet, but when we arrived, instead, were led out to the garage. no big deal....i figured a little dust & i sighed a little sigh of relief when he pointed to the corner and i saw that it was covered with a tarp....but as he walked off to grab the dolly & jason pulled back the cover, i saw that it was covered in chicken droppings.

now they live on a farm that would be any childs' dream......plenty of room to run and explore, and all kinds of animals....pigs, goats, geese, cats, dogs and yes, chickens. lots of em. so the droppings...par for the course, and in & of itself, not such a big deal.... nothing a good cleanup couldn't cure. but immediately, i started to worry..... in high school my jr year, during a mission trip with friends, i contracted histoplasmosis. only mine was a severe case and only the 3rd recorded in my state. i'd contracted mono in jr high & my immune system had never been the same. so the histo wreaked havoc on my lungs, leaving permanent damage. each year, pneumonia is a very real authentic fear for me and with the return of my asthma & the added need for inhalers 2 years ago, i'm especially cautious. its not a fun feeling to desperately need air.

still, i bit my lip and smiled, as they dusted it off abit and pointed out some of the cool features....it was nice. bigger than i'd imagined, but it folded up.....

calm down, katherine. its only chicken poop.

jason, sensing my stress meter, jumped to my rescue and casually asked if we could maybe hose it off just abit before loading it in the truck. i shot him a desperate thank you smile.

so it wasn't perfect. ok. but still.....someone was handing me a free treadmill. and i was grateful. so i stepped to the side as jason heaved it back on the dolly and one of the resident male cats paused to give it a good spray.

and honestly i'm proud that i casually covered a mortified gasp with a borderline awesome hiccup/snort combination as i walked back outside.

when we arrived home, jason took some rags and cleaner and went to work on it right away. bless his heart, he knows me so well, and is so good to me. i am abit of an anal retentive freak when it comes to a clean house and *smells*. i'm so thankful that jason just kinda takes me in stride....

so after a proper wash-down, we got it in the kitchen, which was no small feat, considering that this thing really was big. and as we tried to situate it, i realized with a sinking heart that it was going to be an eyesore and an inconvenience no matter which way we tried to position it. the only place it will fit, is in the kitchen. which means either turning the table sideways or setting it where it will jut out in the middle of everywhere. still, i bit my tongue. its a free treadmill. be thankful. work around it. think positive.

IT STILL FOLDS UP.

which means there is hope.

only,

it doesn't. :(

for some reason....maybe it was all that time in storage, or its stint as a giant metal chicken perch, or 2 big moves, or 5 kids taking turns seeing how long they could stay on at 10 mph with no hands, while the moms fussed and the dads cheered on from the sidelines....

at any rate, the incline is stuck at *near impossible* and therefore will also not close.

on the plus side, you'll be happy to know the winning record was 35.4 seconds, held proudly by the little neighbor girl and resulted in little more than a mild concussion and belt burn. the dads called this a solid victory. (p.s. i'm only kidding about the concussion. the belt burn....not so much)

but i digress.

anyways, i spent nearly an hour last night on the internet trying to find a troubleshooting guide. we tweaked and messed and jimmy-rigged, to no avail. i finally gave it a disgusted look and declared it was bedtime. tomorrow was another day. so i got up this morning and first positioned it in a different spot where, if i looked sideways and squinted, i could still see the tv. i decided that it looks ultimately stupid there, but told myself its all the spirit of *exercise! in the winter!*

so i ignored the mess, and i took bella to schoo,l and after taking my father in law to his eye appointment this morning, i came home and went down to business. i changed into my walking grubs and mounted that sucker, looking it squarely in the console. i decided that surely it couldn't be that difficult, walking at an incline ALL THE TIME.

its good for me. it'll make me burn some more calories.

and it was free, lest i remind us all again.

this is do-able.

rrnt. wrong. negator. i may as well have been hiking a pyramid. 10 minutes in, on the sucker and it had the nerve to tell me i'd only burned 45 calories. to top it off, the chicken damage is done and i dunno if there's a clorox strong enough to kick it. so not only was i sweating as i fell (literally) off that heaving sweatmonger, but i was hunting for my inhaler too.

sigh.

if someone could please, please remind me of the good still in this, i'd be much obliged.

the good stuff

i heart sarah markley and how God's using her blog to lend hope for hurting hearts. such an awesome snippet i read today....

Remember today that you cost a lot. In fact, you’ve been anticipated. You’ve been expected. You've been sought after. God gave His life for you and it cost Him everything. But you were worth it. He has waited for you, tip-toed to watch you and paid all that He had for you. And because He’s done that, He has given you unspeakable value and worth. He will never be bored with the beauty that is YOU. You, my friends, are worth waiting for.

misery, as it turns out, does not enjoy company

my happy place today consisted of a healthy dose of mucinex-D & a glorious box of 150count kleenex, fortified with aloe vera lotion.

no. i don't think you understand.

the agony of the sinus infection. the effort its taken to work every 10 hour shift this week. the twinge of pain in handing over $21.47 for that precious box of *decongestant hope* and the labored steps it took to walk ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE STORE after the LONGEST SHIFT EVER to search out that precious, precious, comforting cardboard container of nasal softness.

i was only in the bathroom for a minute.

and the stupid, STUPID chihuahua ate my kleenex.

the blahs

last week i was PHENOMENAL. i met my calories every day. i walked 5 days out of 7 for a total of 15 miles. i hit the exercise bike and my situp quota every nite i worked. i was on FIRE, mama.

but THIS is not that week....

my big strong husband who's NEVER sick, came down with an upper respiratory and sinus infection by sunday and missed 2 days of work. and because he's a giver, oh so graciously shared his crud with me. :( my nose feels like a bright red 10 pound beacon on the front of my face. and my sinuses....ohhhh my sssssinusssessss.

THIS week, i've gone over my calories every single day, which is especially disheartening, realizing that i've ONLY been able to maintain my calories in/out BECAUSE of the exercise i've been working so hard at. instead of water, all i've wanted is soda. and instead of good, healthy food, all i've craved is comfort food.

THIS week i've not exercised ONCE.

whereas i normally can't sleep during my work week, (example: last week i slept 3 hours between mon & fri) THIS week i've done nothing BUT sleep.

i can't breathe. even with all the XTRA sleep, i just can't get rested enough. and i feel like a big fat TOAD. destined to always BE that big fat toad. and not even a CUTE big fat toad.

to make matters worse, jason's truck for the 3rd time in as many weeks, is on the fritz and it would appear that my car is trying to do the same thing. all of a sudden, i'm totally submerged in deep dark oogly googly thoughts, and worry and doubt. where's the money gonna come from. will we EVER be in a place where these financial hiccups are not so scary. all of a sudden, i miss my family back in nebraska like WHOA. with a big family wedding this weekend that i yet again will be unable to attend, it hits right where it hurts.

so i'm having a hard time focusing on the positive this week. being thankful for my blessings. praising instead of complaining.

so Lord, i love You, even and especially when i don't show it like i should. please forgive me on the days my faith isn't even as big as a mustard seed. and when this too shall pass, help me to get back up again.

<3

as an aside....

*why is facebook so addictive. and yet why must people insist on texting or messaging me instead of just call somebody.

*why have wendy's and/or subway not been receiving my psychic vibe to provide me with free fresh salads or sandwiches?

*who invented the pta. and why do they bombard me with cookie dough orders within the first month of school. While I'm Counting Calories.

*why must i love the bravo channel so much. Top Chef, Rachel Zoe, Flipping Out....i blame you.

*whose idea was it to create this thing called puberty. and is there a vaccine for it? more specifically, how much would it cost to skip it all together.....lets talk turkey.

*why won't someone just give me their old treadmill. or elliptical. i'm not picky

*why can i not sleep today

*oi

one day at a time

my devotion moment for the day, out of God Calling....

Trials and troubles may seem to overwhelm you. But they cannot do more than work My Will, and that Will you have said is your Will. Do you not see that you cannot be destroyed? From now a new Life is opening out before you. Yours to enter into the Kingdom I have prepared for you. The sunlight of My Presence is on your paths. Trust and go forward unafraid. My Grace is sufficient for all your needs.

In God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid what man can do unto me. Psalm 56:11

the terms *change* and *transition* are synonymous with this time of year. i think the atmosphere heaves its sigh of relief to the ending of hot temperatures and looks forward to cooler nights and crisp leaves and the sights and smells of the upcoming holidays sneaking around the corner. And peoples' inner workings do the same; i'm no different.

some days are just hard, aren't they. i wish, at times, that i could plug my headphones into this thought bank of mine that seems to be racing full-speed ahead without me.

its days like these when i have to remind myself to slow down and stay present. in my quiet time with God. with my husband and daughter. with myself and my own needs.

this last week, i was humbled on more than one occasion. jason & i disagreed on a bathroom floor project that spiraled out of hand when the both of us stood firm in our stubborness. i got angry over the weekend when he exhibited a behavior that took me back instantly to my marriage with lee. but rather than explain why it hurt me so much, i turned on my heel with a flippant remark, that left him angry & confused. the next day when i childishly misread something and confronted him with little to no tact, he became instantly defensive and i went in like a dog in a foxhole, teeth bared.

we silently agreed to disagree and when he left to pick bella up from a sleepover, i headed out to my favorite walking spot to vent and sweat out some frustration. and as i marched down the path, shouting in my head, i could slowly see God out of the corner of my eye, matching me step for step, smiling, waiting patiently for me to give Him a word in edgewise.

i think i do that a little too often. and i'm working on it.

in reality, it wasn't my husband that i was so upset with, but frustration with myself and some of the obstacles in my life right now that are out of my control. as i rested under a giant shady oak tree, i felt God gently reminding me that all He wants from me is me. one day at a time.

i've been trying so hard to lose this excess weight of mine. 60 pounds since i had bella. :( but what i'm discovering with every new day, is that alot of this heaviness doesn't even compare to the extra luggage i've stored away in corners of my heart. they don't really make a scale for that. so instead of feeling like such a failure, when i look in the mirror, i need to reaffirm the positive. each day that i dig in a little deeper. each day that i choose to move, is one step closer. and i need to allow myself to be proud of my accomplishments. i've lost 7 pounds since august 8th. and that may not be of *biggest loser* epic proportions. but its mine. and its ok to validate myself. i don't need to compare myself to any other pre-conceived notions. i just need to rely on the fact that God's right here with me. and because of that, i don't have to finish this race alone.

i've been struggling with my night schedule at work. i can't get used to it...i'm not getting the rest i need and my energy has been zapped. and as i've been looking for a *way out*, i find myself still here in this spot. and that can seem almost hopeless at times. but then i'm reminded to stay faithful in the small stuff. rather than focus on the negative aspects, appreciate the positives: there's an exercise bike in the staff room. i've slowly worked my way up to 10 minutes at a time. a whopping 3 miles. in my mind that seems painfully slow. but i have to remember that i crawled before i walked. and walked before i ran. and all that extra time also allows me to dig deeper in my spiritual walk too.

i've been frustrated with what i consider a serious lack of a decent girl friend in my life. i'm so blessed to have my mom & my sister just a phone call a way, yet its not the same. i've felt let down and discouraged with the women that are here and i've prayed that God would send a friend my way. but maybe i need to realize the beauty in going to Him first for all things, before He can answer that prayer....

i've been angry with jason because i've wanted him to take more initiative.....to pry the reigns from my hands when i get overwhelmed. to be romantic and plan a date nite once in a blue moon. but more importantly, i guess i wanted him to just know that without me ever saying a word. its funny how men don't work that way. :) turns out communication goes a long way.

so today as i walked that same walk; as my legs were moving, i asked for my mind to be still. to remember that i don't have to do this alone. to take it one day at a time.

one...two...skip a few.

wow. random posts, much?

we spent this past weekend at the *vacation* home of some friends of some friends. in actuality we were just 10 minutes from home and watering the dog, but we pretended we were in bora bora and had picnics and went swimming and played board games and shot pool late into the evenings and dared anyone to spoil our fun with filthy talk about such things as *reality*.

and then we woke up this morning to monday and school and work and i determined to dust off a few things in my life that i've been neglecting. beginning here. maybe its because its august, which means fall is just around the bend...which means i've cycled into my *must DO things* mode. but mostly, its that i realized i've missed you all. i've missed reading. and i've missed writing.

'hard to put in a nutshell, the events of the last few months. we slowly dipped our toes back into a communication with k & candace. and i think for the first time, i'm ok with the ebbs and flows that that entails. i found a great new place to walk and i've been trying to get there as often as i can during the week for a good, solid 3 mile hike. jason took up an interest in fly fishing...i learned what this facebook thing was all about. in may/june, i went home for abit to join my sister & work on our parents house for a couple weeks. another time, i'd really like to touch on that subject but for now, i'll say that i was grateful for the time and the togetherness it granted. we never made the family reunion or took any big trips. we finally made it camping. i'm a new auntie for the 4th time.

i'm gonna catch up abit....and i'll be back around.

I thought it was illegal to have more than 1 kids party per week

I have 3. Count em. 3.

two of which i was just informed of this morning. One of which is tonite.

Also, while i'm at it? Am i the only one that remembers scholastic book orders from back in the day, where books were like $1. i just had an argument with the resident 9 year old in the house about an Eight Dollar Book. Am i really this old now? or am i just this dillusional.

I have clocked in just under 36 overtime hours so far this week. My phone AND car have been in the shop. Managed to make the "breakfast of champions" and assembly at bella's school this morning, pick up my paycheck and go 3 diff places to pay bills. I registered bella for AM educare, did 2 loads of laundry and now plan on a 2 hour nap, before shopping for 3 separate kids parties, ages 6, 3 and 2. 'Need to get my nephews' while i'm at it. And if i have one more mom tell me "oh just whatever" as a gift idea, i may just go off the deep end. Also, remind me i need to dig out the easter basket for an egg hunt on sunday.

If you see someone's sanity whistling down the road, flag it down, would ya? I miss that sucker.

when keepin' on makes sense

i read the greatest blog entry tonite. and especially loved these words by beth moore :

"God allows wounding in your life so that He can bring healing."

i found myself in the unique position of relaying a portion of my testimony last night, to someone that is hurting right now in their own life. and thru our parallel stories, as i relived the events of my past and heard my own words, i felt such an encompassing peace. and i thanked God for His perfect timing and strange, mysterious ways.

thursday rolled around this week, heavy on the busy side. i fielded work calls, cleaned house and voraciously steamed carpets.

i'd received a text message from candace that morning, asking if we were coming.

i'd been avoiding this confirmation, putting it off as long as i could, burying myself down deep in physical work. i paced the house, praying and thinking, scrubbing at imaginary spots on my floors. i texted jason and said i didn't know if i could do this. i didn't think i was strong enough. he asked if i wanted him to cover for me and say something like i was called into work....maybe another time would be better... or we didn't have to do this at all.....we could close this door....

i said no, whether we went or not, i had to be straight with her and come from a place of total honesty.

and so i did. i wrote that there was a very real part of me that wanted, no, needed to come. but there was the other side of me, still hurting and wounded, 3 years later, that was fearful. because i'd lost so much and hurt so badly. where had she been all this time. where were they when i begged and pleaded to get thru this together. seek counseling. and what were we hoping to gain from this meeting. because i couldn't go down this road again, without some sense of clarity.

my big brave indiana jones step of faith on to thin air, just wasn't gonna be enough this time.

i didn't hear back from her for quite awhile. my mind set about sarcastically imagining her reaction and bracing myself for a comeback.

i took a moment to read my devotion:

March 18 - Your Resolutions

Listen, I am your Lord. Before me there is none other. Just trust Me in everything. Help is here all the time.

The difficult way is nearly over, but you have learnt in it lessons you could learn in no other way. "The kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force." Wrest from Me, by firm and simple trust and persistent prayer, the treasures of My Kingdom.

Such wonderful things are coming to you, Joy - Peace - Assurance - Security - Health - Happiness - Laughter again.

Claim big, really big, things now. Remember, nothing is too big. Satisfy the longings of My Heart to give to you. Blessing, abundant blessing on you both now and always. Peace.

"Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show you great and
mighty things, which you knowest not." - Jeremiah 33:3

she texted back, asking if i'd be willing to talk to her on the phone.

and nearly an hour later, as we said our goodbye's, it was with a quiet, calm spirit.

we met with them that night. amidst the playful chatter and chaos of 5 little ones underfoot, we sat around their table, the 4 of us, and talked, late into the evening.

i have always felt, and believe still, that often our greatest testimony comes not from the closing of doors, but the choosing to walk thru them, and the journey therein. not for the faint of heart; at times, painstakingly slow. baby steps. maybe even a crawl.

but do i believe it worth it, every step? without a shadow of a doubt, yes.

what happened to me 3 years ago, shattered my existence as i knew it. and i've struggled daily, to regain my peace and hope and joy.

but i believe with all my heart, that God intended all of this for His good. this time 3 years ago, there were 4 people on an out-of-control roller coaster, in desperate need of some brakes. so God had to throw us from the tracks.

and we all landed hard.

but i'll tell you something. i can honestly say i don't know where i'd be today, had God not thrown us from the track and this not happened. i don't believe my marriage would have sustained, had this not happened. i don't believe the 4 of us could have sat together, thursday night and shared all of this, our story, our testimony, had this not happened. its so easy to walk away in this world, when you're wronged, in the name of closure. the hard part, is facing yourself and all the ugliness and hidden demons attached. and getting through it, to the other side.

so this is a step. and a work in progress. but i thank God so much for His perfect love and redemption and grace.

good things to come.

d to the rama

oi. don't you hate it when you inadvertently get caught up in some outside drama. i'm good for that. turns out i'm a veritable magnet for chaos around these parts, tho it might come as a shock to discover i'm usually the one holding the door wide open, arms outstretched to welcome 'em in.

but every now and then, i get the feeling that its coming from a place a little beyond my control.

there is a person in my life right now that, at times, just exhausts me. and because this relationship is also directly tied to my job, has gradually become a great source of stress in the shape of a friendship. for some reason, i've become a mother figure in their life. and while i'm happy i can be a sort of comfort for them, its also very draining, on me. there have been many times when i've had to put my life on hold, drop what i'm doing and be there for them. and i've not always managed to be grace under fire, if you know what i mean. i get frustrated and grouchy sometimes. when its my day off. when i'm trying to put bella to bed or spend time with jason, and i'm called away by something i deem insignificant or ridiculous. or i'll really put forth an effort ~ my whole heart into my words and actions, only to feel like it went in one ear and out the other.

i've spent 4 hours of my evening tonight, tied up in this ever unfolding drama, tho i managed to cook a meal, get bella thru her homework and tucked in for the night and snatch a kiss from jason. still, at the end of the day, i don't know that i was able to help the situation at all.

i've prayed for this person. and despite more aggravation than you could possibly know, i genuinely feel for this person. they've had such a hard life, and tho i don't begin to know the fullness of their story, my heart aches for their hurt. and so, despite the circumstances, time and time again, i find myself coming to their rescue in a sense, championing for them. i don't know why. i just feel its the right thing to do.

i'm no saint, by any means. truth be told, its been far easier for me to openly show them my exasperation rather than my patience. and i am guilty, in that at times, it has been easier to make a joke at their expense, than to try to understand where they were coming from. i'm ashamed to admit that. and i'm ashamed to admit i've even done so in front of my husband and daughter , only to later have to humble myself before them and admit my fault. what a great example, huh? but its been true. me, in the judgement seat, where none of us has the right to be.

you know, i've prayed for a close friend, for a really long time. and i feel that God has made me wait because i needed to figure out how to come to Him first. i've wanted some live in-the-flesh person ... someone.... to hear me. to love my heart. to hold me accountable. yet i find myself in this strange position where i've become this exact thing for someone else. and i realize how strange Gods' ways are. and how far i fall short.

i know that you can't let yourself become overrun with the needs and wants of everyone around you. but so often i find myself instinctually drawn to just such people. people that are hurt and broken and need so much..... love, forgiveness, acceptance, kindness. a chance. to be heard, respected, validated, wanted.

tonite, as i pointed to scripture for this person, and prayed that God wrap His arms around them and give them strength and the right words to get them thru this new ordeal, i surprised myself at how easy it had been to do just that. and i found myself talking to them about things that i, myself need to put into practice.

a need to calm their spirit. to listen to Gods voice. a need for balance.

i jumped whole-heartedly into this losing weight thing, but i'm struggling really, really hard right now. and for alot of reasons. i'm not sure that taking this new night shift at work has been the smartest thing i've ever done. i'm in a difficult position with jasons hours and majorly limited child care. so this shift covers those bases, plus more hours than i was getting, which lends almost an extra hundred dollars to each paycheck, which we so desperately needed. i also have tenure, vacation time built up and recently, a new raise with this job, which binds me, in a way.

but it also leaves me physically and spiritually drained during the week, trying desperately to catch up and keep a *normal* schedule for my family. its become difficult for me to sleep more than 2-3 hours at a time. so my insides and my outsides are in a tail-spin. maybe my subconscious realized that a calorie counter and exercise were at least 2 things i could feasibly control. i dunno. but i'm tired the majority of the time anymore and i'm resentful that this change hasn't afforded me any more family time than i was already getting, nor have i been able to make it to church any more than i was before. after 12 hour shifts, i come home exhausted. i try to sleep.... i'm hungry at all the wrong times.

blech.

so that balance thing comes into play again.

and then, after all these months and years, kermit and candace invited us over to have dinner with them this week. tomorrow, actually. and this has been heavy on my heart. do i swallow my own hurt and show them grace and Gods love, in the midst of this tragedy, now 3 years old. or is it ok for me to voice my very real, very honest hurt and close that door.

at best, maybe we would have a *nice* evening, tolerable. filled with busy *filler* talk, avoiding, in the midst of 5 little ones running around. or maybe he would explain why, after all these years. why he raped me. why he betrayed a marriage and a lifelong friendship. maybe, with tears in his eyes, he would beg my forgiveness.

at worst, maybe he would say nothing at all.

but after all this time, i just don't think i can sit in the same room with him and look him in the face. it keeps me up tonite. it haunts me.

it devastates me. body and soul.

and yet i feel drawn. and i feel it unfair. unfair of God to ask me to love. to forgive. to face him.

God, my heart cries tonite. i don't know what you're asking of me. i only know that it hurts. even now. after all this time. please wrap Your arms around me tonite and give me peace and an understanding. help me find this balance. let the background fade away.

and just hold me.

shake those shamrocks

you know that verse: "mourning will last for the night, but joy comes in the morning".....

i'm so glad thats true. so the scale (or wii balance board as the case may be) was not my friend yesterday. but succeeding in feeling sorry for myself isn't nearly as much fun as one might imagine. so moving on, i've decided i'm still happy that i'm working at it and my abs and thighs, hidden somewhere, are feeling the ache of that joy too. so i think feeling good still has some merit on this journey.

so happy st. patty's everyone! aside from christmas, my birthday, and the first day of fall, this is one of my most favorite days of the year. 'can't explain it really. just IS. we've got loads of scotch and irish pumping thru our veins around here and growing up, it was always a celebrated holiday. oh i know its mostly silly and fun. but i like excuses to be silly and fun. and i love how my mom always knows me so well. a few days ago, we received one of her famous care packages in the mail and i don't know who was more excited ~ me or bella. inside, was chock-full of green goodness. m&m's, nail polish, leprechaun hats....you name it. photos to come....

for lunch, i treated myself to reuben sandwich at arby's, since my crazy husband and daughter don't know whats good. ha! and for supper, its breakfast ~ green eggs and ham.

and if thats not all, this lovely little trinket arrived just today. its my anniversary present from jason. a little early, but i couldn't resist and had to try it on. its beautiful.



so enjoy your day out there, kiddos. hugs!

Bummed

So i've been keeping my calorie counter for 3 weeks now. And i've done really well. I've lowered my intake. And have gone over my limit just 3 x's in 21 days, which i'm really proud of. i've made healthier choices. I've been drinking more water.

I haven't managed to exercise every day yet, with work and some weather, but i'm averaging 3 days out of my week; on occasion, 4. I know the long term goal is the ultimate goal....to become healthier, slowly, steadily, so i maintain my loss.

but some good numbers on the scale would be awesome. I won't lie.

i FEEL like i've lost a good 5 lbs. And weighing myself at work on sunday, the scale showed an 8 lb difference.Which really helped to boost my confidence. I think i came home strutting, actually.

So this morning, i walked a brisk 3 miles and logged in a workout on the wii. 'Went to weigh myself and the balance board shows zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Negator.

Which. Totally. Sucks.

on grace sufficient and being shattered before God

right now, i'm feeling kind of shattered. and i'm having a hard time sleeping.

i'm wading thru some tough stuff in my life.... maybe the two are conjoined in some way? ha. i know one thing. i picked a heck of a time to embark on this losing weight business. my internal clock has been all upside-down-sideways with me working 3rd shifts now. and sometimes i think i've done gone and bit off more than i can chew. literally. but i know this. i don't want to lose out on this amazing opportunity to dig deeper and live stronger. the looking back is always hard. but if that moves you forward, in good ol' martha's words, "its a good thing".

i happened on this website tonite and had to share it because her words really resonated with me and provided such clarity. she talks about some really tough subject matter on her blog and in this particular entry, comments on Gods' grace and knowing without a shadow of a doubt that God and the Bible are real.

an excerpt:

McDowell taught us that the Bible is quite unique in its continuity. He explained that the Bible was:

• written over a 1,500-year span
• written over forty generations
• written by more than forty authors from every walk of life
(kings, peasants, philosophers, fishermen, poets, statesman, scholars)
• written in different places
(wilderness, dungeon, hillside, palace, prison, island, while traveling)
• written in different times
(war, peace)
• written during different moods
(joy, pain, sorrow, despair)
• written on three continents
(Asia, Africa, Europe)
• written in three languages
(Hebrew, Aramaic, Greek)
• written to address various subject matters, including controversial topics

and Despite all of these differences, the Bible’s authors spoke in harmony and with continuity from Genesis to Revelation that there is one unfolding story – God’s redemption

thats amazing to wrap your mind around, isn't it. and it brings me such comfort.

i started this blog in 2008, as what i intended at the time to be a private journal. my heart and mind were reeling in the aftermath of my rape and i needed so desperately, a save haven where i could vent, and beat my hands on the walls and scream and cry and pray and most importantly, heal. i was so very broken when i created this page. and in the years and blogs since, this tiny dot on the internets' map has become MY redemption of sorts.

i'm a firm believer that we all have our stories to tell; that each deserves to be heard. NEEDS to be heard. and that some of the GREATEST reads are discovered within the tattered and torn pages of our hearts. some are found in pictures. others in words.

my *book* as it were, is a work in progress, filled with some really big chapters that are not always an easy read; i know, especially not for close family or friends that read my page from time to time. because i talk about it all. from my negative self-image to hurts in my past, to inadequacies in parenthood, to dealing with some monumental issues in my life, from my rape, abuse, sex addiction of my partner, marriage and divorce. miscarriages. bankruptcy. weight-loss, heartache, betrayal. but through it all, Gods' unfathomable grace. and here's why i share it all. there's this great quote i read just recently: “I’m convinced that it’s when we live out real authentic lives that include our failures as well as our victories that we can be of the greatest use for the Lord in other’s lives."

so this is me. as i run and stumble and fall flat on my face. i'm a wife/ mom/ sister /daughter /friend. and at the heart of ALL that is just a girl. journeying to live a life of substance and purpose. who's growing and learning and changing. with alot of love and tears and laughter along the way.

i'm 34 years old. this may, married to jason for 10 years. mom to bella. i'm a soon-to-be registered CNA and work for a government agency, assisting adults with mental retardation. i LOVE what i do, but secretly always wonder if thats *ok* or if i should still dream about being that midwife/massage therapist/marine biologist. over-achiever, much?

i've never actually sat down and wrote out a *top 100* list. my hair is never in style. my right eye twitches when i'm stressed out. i love bare feet and old photographs and road trips to nowhere. i wish i could play the guitar. i wish i looked great in a bathing suit and i wish i could make yeast rolls like my mom. at times, i can be loud, opinionated, wide open and insufferable. people that love me call me kat.

so i want to take this moment tonite, to thank God. and to thank you for reading me. and for loving me.

asparagus

its monday. which in *kat time* is my friday. which means i'm zoned out after several really long 12 hour 3rd shifts and haven't done much else but chillax. however, i can't just leave you empty-handed. i love you too much for that. so today, i proudly present to you my new inspiration:

asparagus.

a mere 22 calories per cooked half-cup. spray those puppies with calorie free *can't believe its not butter*, sprinkle a wee bit of sea-salt and waaalaaa.
meet my new favorite friend. the end.

off-days

this is me and my calorie book and the many, many scrumptious *no* opportunities today.

march madness

so the green soup isn't bad. really and truly isn't. next time, i do intend to explore the the collards section a little more carefully and mix it up a little. i think there's a whole world out there with greens that i really haven't explored. also, i may or may not use the leeks, tho if i do, i solemnly swear to leave the *leaves* out. haha.

anyway. for this, my first time, and at 121 calories a serving and chock full of rootin-tootin goodness, i label this success. its rustic and filling and packed with flavor. i have a serving once a day, usually in the afternoon as a snack and its growing on me. i look forward to that.

its funny how changing little things really does make a difference. even just in taste. yesterday i had to take one of our M.R. clients to a dr. appointment in knoxville and afterwards she chose mcdonalds to get a bite to eat. i could've, nay should have gone with a salad or fish sandwich but i revolted with both fists in the air and determined that i've been good and therefore should be REWARDED with fries and a mcdouble!! but as i ate my fries, they started to actually taste gross. and by the time i'd finished, i felt like a bloated cow. discovering that just those 2 things on my little splurge had cost me a whopping 770 calories to boot, made me all but melt into a saturated puddle of fat on the floor.

but today is another day. and i'm being careful and using my noggin'. i'm not being a nazi about my intake or my outake....would i love to lose that 40 pounds and then some, yes. i've set goals for myself but i'm not cutting myself off from everything deliciously *bad* in the world either. and some days, exercise and i just don't meet in the middle. this week for instance has been killer ~ i've had 1 day off in 9. and 12 hour shifts begin to wear on you. so i've been tired and stressed and haven't got my miles in, walking or hittin' the wii, but i'm shaking that off. because every day is a good day that i'm getting healthier.

jason and bella have been super awesome too. i decided when i embarked on this little journey that my biggest goal of all, whether i ever reach my *perfect weight* is just to ultimately strive to live healthier and happier. there are some things i want to be able to do and experience, that i can't right now, to the fullest of my ability. and i want to change that. i want to narrow my chances of heart disease and diabetes. i want to feel healthier. be more active. have more energy. and i want to take my family along with me for that ride, in a good way.

i think kids have enough stress just growing up, without all the extra bells and whistles and labels that are thrown at them these days. and i feel like i have a huge hit or miss opportunity right now, to make health fun for bella. so i want to include her; empower her with good and smart choices and a positive body image as i struggle to kinda get there myself. my hope is that she grows up avoiding some of my pitfalls, and that she grows up in that quiet confidence that is bold and beautiful and brave as she enters her own womanhood.

i love to cook. its that mothering, nurturing thing my sister and i both inherited. like our mom before us and all the other wonderful cooks that go back generations in our family tree. its one of the things i think i do best, and defines me on many levels. cooking makes me happy. i love to pour over recipes and try new concoctions. i love feeding people and i love that my home, and my kitchen, no matter how small, is an oasis for family and friends. so finding ways to *tweak* recipes has actually been really fun for me. butter has its exquisite place, for example. but olive oil has been a really neat new challenge for me too.

one thing i really love is a good old traditional, countrified, stick-to-your-ribs, soul-food kind of meal. one thing my family loves is meatloaf, and not to toot my own horn, but i make a killer meatloaf. usually piled high with mashed potatoes too. oi vey.

so last night, bella helped me create a new meatloaf, packed with garlic, onion, roasted tomatoes, carrots and mushrooms. and it turned out soooo good. i used half the meat i usually would, with all the other veggies thrown in, and instead of the mashed potatoes, we had roasted potatoes with green beans. it was healthy without knowing it. and it was scrumptious.

bella has started counting calories and servings along with me and its so funny to see her looking at labels and deciding on her afternoon snacks now. yesterday she came up with milk, an orange, a cheese wedge, some carrots, and a mini bag of m&m's. she'd arranged it on a plate all "top chef" like and proudly displayed her masterpiece

"275 calories of goodness, mama. booyah."

i got so tickled, because i feel like she gets it. and that maaaaybe i'm doing my job right. by showing her that you can cut back without cutting out and just being creative. which was my intention when i bought that bag of mini m&m packs, tho i never told her. i love chocolate. she does too. if i have a mini pack, it makes me feel like i got my fix, and its one-third the calories of a regular bag. so i can have something else with it which makes my subconscious feel like like a big happy fat buddha. and we all need to to feed those lil' suckers inside us...

so maybe i'll only lose 2 or 4 of those desired 10 pounds this month. but i'm doin' good. :)

green soup

yesterday i got all of 1 hour of sleep. literally. today i was aiming for 5, but my brother in law showed up just in time to foil my plans. i woke up to the resident chihuahua's frantic barking and the b-i-l asking if i had anything to make a salad with.

ahh to be a young bachelor.... nevertheless, i never turn down the healthy pleadings of the youngsters in the world, so i dug out my salad fixin's and sent him on his way.

so as sleep appeared to be the elusive snipe, i decided to go grocery shopping instead. listen, i've been trying really hard to be intentional and purposeful with my health lately. i've gone off satans sweet , sweet nectar soda. i've started keeping a food journal...i looked up what my calorie intake needs to be and tho its like pulling teeth, i am keeping track of my calories. scouts honor, fingers crossed. no really, i've been good. except when my dad stopped to visit last weekend. anywhoos, i have this really awesome, allbeit far-fetched and semi-unattainable goal of losing 40 pounds in 4 1/2 months. in time for the family reunion. 10 pounds a month, right? it could happen. i could grow a tail too. its possible.

anyway.

my point is, i'm trying. and each day i do try is a good day. so i looked up this recipe for "green soup" the other day. its supposed to be awesome for you. and because you can make that puppy in bulk, i'm all for it, because "preparing" things is not really my forte. but if i can grab something up, now, that's a beautiful thing. supposedly, if you play your cards right, you can make up a batch that will last you 2 weeks and it falls under the *freezes beautifully* section as well.

score.

so they make this stuff look and sound so great. kirstie alley (whom i love)talks it up; says she drinks this every day. susan from the fat free vegan makes it sound scrumptious. and ol dr fuhrman makes it sound like a veritably miracle drug. its supposed to be good for all your vital organs and cleanse you out and, i don't know, probably do your laundry too. the point is, i'm positive we all should be eating this. its 2010, kids. and what if the mayans were right. 2012 is just around the corner....

am i right, i'm right.

so i told myself i could do this. and for this endeavor i'd have to pull out the big guns and walk away from the walmart into strange territory ~ an actual grocery chain. with produce i can't pronounce.

listen, its not that i'm entirely ignorant. i swear i've heard of alot of this stuff but its just not on my weekly grocery list, if you feel me. the truth is, i love fruits and vegetables. the normal ones.

so i looked at several recipes and variations of recipes for this little project and finally decided i'd make mine with the following:

kale or collard greens (whichever i could find first, without looking a)ignorant or b)suspicious
leeks
split peas
broccoli
mushrooms
onion
garlic
carrots
and a sweet potato. just for kicks and giggles. cuz all the cool kids say it makes it taste sweeter.

between you and me, the biggest reason i decided to go with this version is because i already had half of what i needed and therefore wouldn't go broke if this turned out to be several degrees of bad.

i've never actually held a leek before today. in my mind, i'd kind of imagined them to be a cross between a turnip and an eel. i really can't explain why, so its better you don't ask. to my surprise, they were somewhat normal looking. like an overgrown onion with a realllllly ridiculously long stalk of leaves out the top. as an aside, i don't recommend ever eating a piece of those leaves raw. bella and jason concur. yet i do recommend always googling how to use new vegetables. and preferably before you've already cut up the leaves and thrown them in the pot, because, really, why waste them....

from this lesson, lets move on to the collard greens.

now, i don't get greens. i get that they're healthy for you. obviously. but thats where it ends for me. they seem to be a staple in many the hardcore southerners diet, but to me they're just gross. a big heap of slimy green mush. and then they pour vinegar on to boot. and serve it with tasteless pinto beans and a big slab of cornbread. mm mmm good.

:shiver:

i love a good salad. spinach, for instance, is my dear good friend. but in its cooked form, its absolutely disgusting. unless you're adding it to dip or a lovely big fat quiche.

so i'm perusing the collards section, trying to make an informed decision on which would taste better in my concoction. i like to blame it on that fact that i got nervous. yah, lets go with that. i grabbed a bunch of what i assumed was kale, only to discover at home that it was actually turnip greens. but hey. its my first time. i'm allowed a silly mistake or 2. and greens are greens, right?

oh lord.

suffice it to say, i have this huge pot of *something* i'm staring at right now. its ummm, green. i'm not entirely sure it would be accurate to call it *tasty* or *something i'll definately make again*. but, here goes nothin....results pending

furniture and repairs

we had 4, nay 5 intentions for our taxes this year, provided the Lord was willing and the creek didn't rise.

1) begin to gently reestablish our (all but 42 cents) drained savings account
2) take our state tests
3) save money back for a trip to nebraska in july
4) save money back for a tentative First Major Family Vacation to DisneyWorld within the year
5) buy a couch

now don't go getting all excited. we don't exactly get back big green wads of cash. we're just prone to over-ambition coupled with what we're sure are really great ideas. to be serious for just a moment tho, if i may, i've been totally thankful to God and proud of us and how we've managed to save and really stay on the same page with finances since jason started back to work. during the lay-off, it was such a scary time for us. so tax season this year was a bright star in the midst of all that bad stuff.

its not that we need a couch. we don't have to have one. our very lives don't depend on it. i even weakly argued to jason that maybe it could be our *bonus* if he gets hired on permanent at the end of his 90 days. but i've been trying to budge my way out of the negative end of things and focus on the positive, and trusting that God is in control no matter what; definately praying jason will be hired on.

so the idea of such a wonderful, possibly new, squishy, comfortable place to relax our ample behinds on, was just too sweet a dream to not bring into fruition.

we've had our Big Lots' special going on 7 years now. and she's been a trooper. i still remember the day we brought her home, our very first couch. we triumphantly carried that beautiful green stick of dynamite in all by ourselves and it was as if i could hear the entire neighborhood cheering us on ~ way to go, byrds!! way to move up in the world. so long yard-sale futon, welcome to the lower middle class.

ahhhh the awesomeness of it all. so soft. so comfy. so tantalizing to a cats claws.

she's seen us thru alot, that one.

who can forget our anniversary a few years ago, when jason answered the cry for help from a drunk coworker who succumbed to her squishy goodness and slept so good that he peed all over it.

or the many, many times she's comforted one of us, sick, enveloping us in her loving cushions, jabbing us, just right there, with her broken springs.

and so it was, with bittersweet memories, that we began to search near and far, for a replacement.

it was love at first seating, really. recliners on both ends. soft, yet sturdy. reliable. family friendly fabric. where could you go wrong. we did everything right. by the book. we saved for it. we prayed over it. and last night,to our absolute joy, we discovered they still had it. i withdrew the exact amount we needed from our precious savings account. then i hyperventilated. then jason reminded me that we had set that aside and prayed about it. then i cried. then i found a used napkin to wipe my nose. then i threw back my shoulders and marched right on in there while jason backed up the trailer and i proudly handed over our precious couch money.

we were so excited.


today, we bid adieu to 7 years of memories as we dropped ol' faithful off at the landfill and we huffed and puffed and ooooomphed that beautiful new-to-us memory maker into our living room. we basked in the wonderfullness of it all. then bella packed an overnight bag, jason left to go fly-fishing and i packed up to come to work.

a few hours ago, my dear husband called to tell me he loved me. he followed this up with a "so which d'you want first. the good news or the bad news."

never fond of such phrases, i muted the phone and beat my head on the table. then i composed myself and said, "as long as it doesn't involve money in any possible way, shape or form, hit me with it. "

there was a pause.

and not just any pause, no. it was what i like to call a "pregnant pause" frought with meaning.

sensing my heart rate had gone from 0 to 60 in a near nano-second, jason plunged ahead. "well the good news is i made it over here. bad news is, looks like i may have a cracked......."

i don't really remember the rest. my mind blurs. i don't understand these *auto issue* things. its all greek to me. i blanked out somewhere between $300-500 to fix.

oi vey. i won't even start with all the shoulda woulda couldas dancing around in my mind tonite. i'm concerned, yes. and rightly so. but ya know what, i'm glad we got the couch, either way. this car thing will require dipping into that precious savings but thank God we have it, ya know? He makes all things good, doesn't He. i don't understand it all and its bound to set us back just a little more that we're comfortable with, but He's in control. and while i leave the hard stuff up to him, fully and completely handing it over, i'm gonna enjoy the heck outta that awesome couch.

snow days

bella was out of school today on yet another snow cancellation. ordinarily, this leaves room for all manner of fun and i'd have been excited at the opportunity for some extra*girl time*. but this morning, i trudged thru our routine soooo tired, and was kinda dissapointed when i learned i couldn't just join the drop-off line and then crawl back into bed. i just couldn't get it together, and every little thing made me cranky.

but by mid afternoon, with the snow fully melted, i'd calmed down and in a burst of new found energy, combined with a cautious hopefulness at the sunshine pouring in the windows, i announced that surely it'd be an awesome idea to go to the park and get some fresh air.

when we got there tho, it was bella's turn to be dissapointed. although quite a few others had had the same idea, unfortunately they hadn't brought the kids. so with noone to play with, she reluctantly joined me on my walk.

and every little thing made her cranky.

the wind had picked up and all that sunshine i'd been so inspired by did little to make it much warmer out there. she was "cold, yet didn't want to wear her toboggin." it wasn't "fair." she had "brought toys for nothing". she "hated walking". she "didn't want to pick up her feet; she was wearing her boots." her "ribs hurt" and her toe. and her right leg. she wanted to stop at the fish pond. "how many times did we have to walk around."

i finally snapped, "can't you just be happy?!" "can't you just walk with your mama and enjoy our time together, instead of whining and complaining?

to my surprise, she burst into tears and as i exhaled loudly in my exasperation, in that one moment, i saw myself. and how soooo often, i allow mysef to become so overwhelmed. and rather than take a deep breath and try....or trust.....or dig out my rusty faith badge, i lean towards the negative. and i put so much pressure on myself, and in turn, the closest ones around me. with ridiculous expectations.

and i needed to be reminded of that. i wonder how many times in exasperation, but yet with endless, unfaltering love, God says to me, "can't you just walk with your father and enjoy our time together,instead of whining and complaining...."

i sighed and put my arms around her and told her i was sorry and i loved her. that i'd thought it would be a good idea to get out of the house for a little while. but she was right ~ it was cold. maybe we'd just do this one lap. but maybe instead of thinking about the negative stuff, we could replace it with something good. maybe instead of focusing on her leg hurting, she could be thankful she had legs to walk. maybe instead of thinking how unfair it was she had to wear a toboggin, she could be thankful she had warm clothes to wear in the winter, when alot of people don't.

from there, we played our *5 things* game. 5 good things about the day. that she was thankful for.

she was thankful for a snow day. and brimley (our big old cat) sleeping on her bed while she watched "willy wonka". and that i had let her have a happy meal and an ice cream cone for lunch. and for her sleepover this weekend with her friend jessica. and that she got to go on a walk with me.

Lord, thank you for your unfailing love. and thank you for forgiveness, when i overlook all the positive...all the blessings...and tend to focus on the out-of-control stuff in my life.

thank you for going on this walk with me.

gravity

well you'll be pleased as punch to learn i've moved on since my late sunday night tirade and that no, i'm not holed up in bed, still leaking like a faucet and mourning my existence.

coincidentally, that particular entry was a product of the very first time i'd ever taken the laptop to work with me. since purging the home phone and modem that we could never use last week (thanks for the memories, Embarq) and going to the air-card, (God bless Sprint). all of a sudden the internet has become available. Whenever We Want It.

and friends, it is a beautiful and glorious and technicolor thing.

however, note to self, not so, at 3 am. at work. with too much time on my hands and in full-fledged melt-down mode.

next time, i intend to spend my energy dusting. or cleaning grout. or here's an idea. maaaaybe, i dunno, praying.

so last night, tossing and turning, searching in vain for sleep, i spent alot of time doing just that; praying. and doing plenty of thinking.

my weight and overall body image has been recently, pardon the pun, heavy on my mind. and i blame it for everything. my inability to get pregnant. the fact that i'm just not as into sex as my dear husband. or i catch a snippet of dr oz, talking about belly fat and diabetes and my brain just goes into overdrive, because i've lived in fear for so long that i might develop diabetes like my mom if i don't get myself straight. healthier.

echhh. if i could get my body to exercise as much as my brain? we'd be in an iron-man this summer.

everyone remember counselor ed? raise of hands. right. the dear, exasperating yet well intentioned therapist that jason and i went to for a period of time after the rape.

last night, i was remembering in morbid detail, the one particular session wherein he single-handedly crushed what just might have been left of my very fragile dignity and self-image. i was halfway through explaining how abandoned i'd felt by jason through the aftermath of what had happened, when ed switched gears and to jasons rescue and defense, questioned the *mother role* i played in our relationship.... what jason had been searching for. and why not. because i appear motherly, in all aspects. "soft and cushiony", i believe, were his exact words. and he wondered if my weight wasn't something i hid behind.

anyway. all this time later, i wonder if his somewhat lopsided "counseling" didn't have a little more to it, after all. because sometimes, i wonder if my outside hasn't just been representing all that heaviness my insides have been holding onto.

food for thought....

at any rate, God was awesome and made yesterday gorgeous and gave me the slightest hope for spring. so i celebrated by whisking bella off to the park after school and playing and taking a good long walk, which was delicious.

today, i tried on some of that loaded oatmeal that lorrie brags about. turns out, i'm a late bloomer on the oatmeal love too. bella, not so much a fan. but ya can't blame a mom for trying.

and then, i went back to my favorite park and walked 2 miles around the trails.

and it felt great.

happy tuesday.

kermit

his name makes me angry. it brings out feelings of such absolute rage and pain that i can't even begin to explain.

before now, i've always called him k.

but in the spirit of bitterness, and yet intent on healing,tonight, i say his name.

so many times, i've thought i'd moved past all "this". that i've forgiven. that i'm in a healthy place.

but i hear his name and it all comes back. the rape. the mangling of lives.

he and jason talked tonite. jason, spurred on by my anger and tears. kermit told him he's changed. he's had to "grow up and take care of his family". that he's trying to stop the lies. that he's had a porn addiction.

really.

3 years after the fact.

i think its all well and fine and great when people move on with their lives. get their stuff together. fix themselves. they've "got straight with God"

and its great, too, that they can hide behind a tagline like "addiction" and on their own, *poof* call themselves "better".

so now he's a recovering sex addict. right?

in the meantime, how do they ever make peace with what they've done.

or rather, how do i make peace with it.

how do i continue to shrug it off. and if this is the lot that i'm dealt, how do i live in the day to day, fighting my way thru all the depression and emotion and hurt and ugliness that's barely bottled up inside all that is me.

3 years. three. and its still just as fresh and painful.

and every time. EVERY TIME, i think i've given it to God, that its too much for me to bear, i find myself in this place.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this comes on the tail end of a letter i received from my paternal grandmother back in january. its taken me this long to respond. if ever i had to thank someone for my passive aggressive tendencies, mabel be her name; every letter of hers filled with how well off the rest of my family is, and how awful, for me, that i'm not like them.

i've not interacted with my birth dad in 10 years. a fact that i imagine to be sad, yet i feel nothing. mostly. truth be told, i feel alot more than i allow myself to dwell on. because, whats the point.

every year, i send a christmas card and a picture of my daughter. every year, i get no response.

this year, a month late, my grandmother, his mother, sent a letter and $50 for bella. she also enclosed a pictorama of their 60th anniversary celebration at the lake. bright photos of everyone on that side of my family. everyone but me. i was surprised i was even mentioned, in small print, towards the bottom.

but staring at those pictures, my father, 2 siblings i barely know, aunts and uncles, cousins now with children of their own, it was so painful.

i remember a time, long, long ago, when i had a "place" there with them. no, i never really fit in, they made sure of that. but i remember christmases and early morning fishing trips with my grandfather.

i remember alot of things....

so it took me until this last week to send a reply. i kept my letter light and airy, full of fluff and filler. and i jovially congratulated them on their festivities, mentioning only that with me being so far away, its easy to lose touch with so many of the family and they must've forgot to invite me, smiley face, but boy, did it look like they had fun!

and then i sent a letter to my birth dad. getting some things off my chest. simple. direct. to the point.

and i let it go.

or did i.

i'm in such an awkward place tonight. God has blessed my socks off lately. i've so much to be thankful....grateful for. happy about. but then these little things, they ease their way into my joy like tiny sand crystals filling in all the cracks. uncomfortable. and eventually, agonizing. torture.

my dad ~ my stepdad ~ has given me so much love. and thru his family, i always had a place to belong. i had a full childhood with so many good things. a sister. memories. an enormous extended family.

but there IS that hole that i can't explain, in the place of my biological dad. he doesn't want me. its entirely possible he never did. but that emptiness is there, still, after all these years. and all this time.

my marriage is in a stable place right now. but there is a hole there, filled with pain and hurt and mistrust and resentment. and try as i might to dig it out, get rid of it, it is there.

and kermit is there. my rape is there. how does that go away. fairly. justly.

my sister is pregnant. and friends, whom we've been tentatively planning a vacation with next year, giddily announced recently that they're expecting, by way of proudly showing off a pregnancy test, and smiling knowingly at eachother, saying that our trip might be on hiatus for awhile.

so i do what i always do. i gulped and plastered on a huge smile.

because i'm happy for them; my sister and friend. i am. i'm SO happy for them. over the MOON happy, even. and when we talk about baby things, its with genuine love and excitement and wishes and prayers for all the best things for them.

but inwardly, i cry. so hard and so long. because i've wanted and tried for another baby for so long and honestly, in my heart of hearts, feel its never going to happen for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

there are these moments when i feel so very horrible and inadequate. that i'm fat and insignificant and a hot mess and absolutely unstable. incapable. unloveable. and sometimes the pain from that is just so incredibly intense.

and while probably quite abit of all that is true, its also a blatant lie.

and i know that its just a moment.

and kermit, is just a name.

i want the men in my life...all of them, to love me and not hurt me so badly. i want them to own up to their mistakes. i want to understand why. i want to be held and taken care of. just once.

but i know God is taking care of me. even and especially when i don't feel those arms holding me.

i had a really good devotion tonight. my emotions have run the gauntlet and i have alot to think about. so i'll leave you with this:

February 21 - Nothing Can Hurt

The way is plain. You don't need to see far ahead. Just one step at a time with Me. The same light to guide you as the Hosts of Heaven know -- the Son of Righteousness Himself.

Only self can cast a shadow on the way. Be more afraid of your spirit-unrest, of soul-disturbance, of any ruffling of the Spirit, than of earthquake or fire or any outside forces.Because these are the only times when evil can find an entrance, and are keenly alert for one such unguarded spot, through which an arrow can pierce and do havoc.

When you feel the absolute calm has been broken -- come away alone with Me until your heart sings, and all is strong and calm.em>

stuff

i watched Today's interview with gayle haggard this morning and while i know her stance is viewed widely thru *skeptic vision* around the world, i find her to be blatantly honest, with a dignity and grace that are unparalleled. and i understand why accepting her choice seems so strange in today's world, where leaving is logical and staying and choosing to love through something so unbelievably painful seems insane to so many.

but to me, it shows hope. and it makes me feel so not all alone.

i started a new shift at work last weekend. fri/sat/sun 12 hours overnight.

i jumped at the chance when it was offered. more hours = more money = less on-the-job stress due to less business politics and unruly staff to deal with = more time with the family = win/win.

i dunno. i guess i thought magical fairies would pop out of my gluten free breakfast cereal and sprinkle rainbows and energy after a 2 hour nap, and i'd have all day on the weekends to ride bikes, steam clean carpets, master the art of french cooking and do craaaazy things like spend quality time together.

the term *regret* might be accurate if maybe somewhat premature, as jason gently points out. saturday, laying down at 10 am, with the help of tylenol pm, i was up 4 pm. the house was empty. i was energized. i whipped up a batch of brownies and made one of my signature *homemade* pizza's. i watched a couple "ellens" on the dvr. i checked the clock like 60x's. i texted jason. i ate a piece of pizza and warmed the oven up for the 3rd time. at 10 after 7, jason and bella arrived back home. bella, in time to grab a brownie and a change of clothes, blowing a kiss out the door to a sleepover. jason, apologizing for having too much fun, playing on the 4 wheelers with his buddy.

so i left the house angry, and 30 minutes too early. and i drove around aimlessly in the dark, crying, feeling sorry for myself, trying to pass the time.

whats' funny, is that they'd been trying to do me a favor. i happen to have what i like to call bat sonar for ears. which has been both really helpful and incessantly annoying, thru the years. during a migraine, every single vibration is intensified. and sleeping is never deep; i can hear a flea fart at 20 paces. i've worked 12 hour shifts for the past 3 years and it takes me nearly 2 days to recuperate, after my schedule. i'm not being a whiny baby, but sleep is just so not a friend of mine. i try to avoid the sleep aids unless completely unavoidable and neccesary. so i feel tired alot of the time. if it isn't my brain on auto-pilot, its my ears. and the rest of me is just along for the ride.

but back to my depression. ugh. its just so not fair, this money business. i miss the good old days when moms got to be moms and grow gardens and plan meals; host tupperware parties, and visiting was something you all did together. when one income was enough. when life didn't cost so much.

mostly i just hate that i have to work, period. there, i said it. life sucks and then you get the runs. and i'm just feeling sorry for myself. i know its just growing pains, but i feel like i work so hard and yet i'm left out of nearly everything & i don't get to participate in my family's life on their off-time. i've applied for cna work... many places have a hiring freeze right now. and even so, i've come to terms with the very real possibility that any job i manage to pick up there will more than likely involve the 12 hour shifts as well. working the weekends, or overnight shifts, ensures that one of us will always be there for bella. if she's sick, if she's on break, has a dentist appointment, summer...you get the picture. and so, that's what i do.

i know this too shall pass. and i'll get over my whining. but sometimes life is just one big hemorrhoid. and me, without a butt pillow.

le sigh.

so where was i....so saturday night, when i did clock in, it was to absolute chaos and destruction. while i gritted my teeth and began rounds and cleanup, one of the day staff just sat on the couch, watching me work, sprawled out, like a weeks' worth of washin', and my blood just finally boiled over. so i took a deep breath and confronted said staff sprawler, asking her nicely to please keep me out of future conversations with another staff member.

now then. i was perfectly sweet. polite. i even plastered on a smile for good measure, for i couldn't help myself.

but i didn't need to. and i should have left it alone. its kinda like the old story, the boy kicks the dog who bites the cat who scratches the dad, who yells at the mom who scolds the boy, who kicks the dog.....you get it.

but this is me we're talking about, of course. the one that cannot leave well enough alone. and because i couldn't control anything else, well why not control my mouth either.

out of the blue, i got a text message from another coworker earlier in the week, informing me that the 2 of them had been discussing my weight. how thoughtful.

i think it went a little something like this: "so L and i were talking and i mentioned there's a girl in my class that looks like you and she said oh really? and i said yeah, and she said she thinks you've always been kinda big and i said i think i remember when you were smaller."

now, then. i knew better. because, come on, i'm almost 35 years old. because on my non-fat days, i am totally convinced i am one fine cougar.

because, they have just reintroduced peaches and cream barbie from 1985, my friends. for 45 bones, mind you. but which, at any rate, brings back realllllly fond memories from 25 years ago.

because, come on, what is this, kindergarten? it was stupid and childish. and this particular coworker loves nothing more than a good fight. so i understood it for what it was....she was simply trying to bait me; get under my skin. hurt my feelings. get something started.

and as much as i hate to admit it, she did a mighty fine job. because it just so happens i've been on a body loathing hiatus for the past month or so and then this schedule change that has left me soooo uplifted, and so because i was in such a spectacularly super mood, i kindly asked the 2nd perpetrator to leave me out of future discussions.

ba-dum-bum. 'nuff said. moving on.

instead of apologizing , however, said staff sprawler burst into tears and somehow, rather than gloating in my own self-defense and satisfaction, i found myself holding her, trying to calm her down, as she bawled at the injustice of the texting narc who tattled on her.

what just happened.

i mean, seriously, God? seriously?

i'mma tell ya what. if this state of the union address tonite doesn't at the very least ensure that jason will be hired on permanately after 90 days?

not for nothin, but obama, you so owe me a butt pillow.

how joy comes

it is the result of desiring my will only, in every detail, and then the realization of the wonderful way i can act for you when you leave the planning to Me.

that was an excerpt from my devotion tonite. and very much needed.

its been such a busy week with a work filled weekend up ahead as well. i'm so tired. and this wanna-be pneumonia type crud thats been hanging on me for 2 weeks now isn't helping. i find myself longing to talk with someone.

i think i spent so much of the first part of my life, trying to find my voice. and then when i did, i never really learned to shut up. sometimes i think i talk TOO much in conversation. desperate to be listened to. and often, i'm cut off or interrupted. something that i've grown accustomed to, yet nevertheless, hurts.

a coworker texted me tonite asking for information. and while answering her back, i thought i was sharing what she wanted to know, when she abruptly cut me off and said, "thanks. that'll do it. not to be rude, but i'm tired and i have a long day ahead."

yah. me too. i'm taking 2 of our MR clients to knoxville for dentist appointments in the morning and will be on the clock til 8 tomorrow night. i'm familiar with "tired".

le sigh.

so my mantra today is, "let my words be few. and let them be from You."

with people, that is. so i'm thankful for this space that is mine. where my voice has a place. where i can speak from my heart. more often than not, i feel so inadequate when i pray. yet somehow, here in this place, i'm able to quiet my heart and talk to the one guy that's never let me down. so this has become my prayer closet, of sorts. my confessional.

and i'm so grateful that God never gets tired of my voice. no matter how far lost i manage to find myself at times.

a hopeful heart

i love bloglandia. so many beautiful reminders out there today. here are just 3, by three women i greatly admire and am always so inspired by:

I try to wrap my mind around what it takes to keep this field, this family, alive and thriving. I know I should be watching her hopeful eyes and capable hands for a sign, but all I can see is her feet. How she carefully picks her way through the muddy field, how she knows where to step, how to walk, where to stand. How the immense strength of her spirit carries her, even as the frailty of her body dares her destiny and expands her hope

and this...

Skate is a word that speaks to me of letting go. Skate speaks to me of childhood, and crystal blue skies and forward motion. Skate speaks of speed and abandon and laughter.

So SKATE, I choose you as my word. I welcome you in and hope you bring a sense of ease, grace, fluidity. I know you will bring falls, and bumps, but I will remember they are teachers and like my hockey suited self, I will bounce up from them unharmed. In fact, they will make me laugh. I look forward to gliding along and seeing where we go together, you and I.

Now, you, tell me…What is your word for 2010? What do you wish to welcome in to your year?

and this...

“Can you imagine what it is to cross the ocean? For weeks you see nothing but the horizon…perfect and empty. You live in the grip of fear. Fear of storms. fear of sickness on board, fear of the immensity. So you must drive that fear down deep into you belly… study your charts, watch your compass, pray for a fair wind and hope……pure, naked, fragile, hope. At first it’s no more then a haze on the horizon…so you watch…you watch. Then it’s a smudge, a shadow in the far water. For a day…for another day, the stain slowly spreads along the horizon taking form until on the third day you let yourself believe…you dare to whisper the word, “land….” Land, life, resurrection, the true adventure…coming out of the vast unknown, out of the immensity into new life…..that is the New World.”

In the right perspective I feel that this is a overwhelmingly and bold description of a life of faith and hope… and how I can only dream it feels to be entering into the New World promised to us by our God says there is always a hope… no matter how long it has been since you saw land.

Where do you find hope?

random katnip

jason and i each bought eachother one gift for christmas this year; a luxury we really hadn't anticipated. i told him i wanted the biggest loser game for the wii. target had it for $20. woot. shameless plug.

when he traded in his xbox to get a wii back in the spring, i never thought i could actually enjoy a gaming system. but i LOVE it. i think because it goes against everything i thought video games were. its interactive. you actually have to participate and MOVE. and the 3 of us can bowl and golf and race bikes and fight bad guys and be guitar hero rock gods and shoot toilet plungers at *rabbids* and just plain PLAY. together. as a family.

so, that said. i'm loving my new game. but to do so, meant sucking it up and actually weighing myself for the first time in MONTHS. which a)SUCKED. and b) meant i had to wait for a day where i was completely alone to MOURN. last year at this time, i was so stinkin' proud of myself. for the first time in years, i'd actually LOST weight over the holidays. and then i started walking and maintained that routine for several MONTHS before all of a sudden my beautiful little thing i had going for myself dissapeared like a fart in the wind and i fell fat on my face.

sooooo i finally sucked it up and weighed myself. and i was none too happy. but its a start. and any start is a good start. however, is it really not SAD that not only can jillian make the contestants throw up on the SHOW, but she has the same effect thru the magic of a video game as well. hello? are you for REAL? and i thought YOGA was overrated. who knew you could burn 8 calories by bending yourself into a pretzel, all while distributing your weight evenly on a balance board. oi vey.

but i digress.

i find myself wanting to be around positivity right now. maybe its becuz i feel like i've been oozing little more than sludge and bitterness around here lately. but at any rate, i've found those bright spots in the oddest places recently.... i'm loving the ellen and bonnie hunt morning shows. they're just good PEOPLE. i caught richard simmons in an interview the other day and even tho he might just be the looniest person i know, his energy and joy and spirit are just infectious. i watched the news special on the crisis in haiti tonite and my heart just cries for these people. yet i sat just overwhelmed and amazed at the various international groups that have immediately responded to their need for help. a local family this week learned their son in iraq had been gunned down. in an interview with our local news, his father openly cried as he described his sons loyalty and character. his dreams and lust for life. when asked if he blames the war, he proudly shook his head and said, "greater love hath no man, than he lay down his life for his brother".

gosh, it just puts everything in perspective, you know? the world never stands still. never WILL, really. and we're always going to have these moments...these struggles....these hurdles. these tragedies. this pain. but there are so many beautiful things. sooooo many. and i realize how BLESSED we are. to be a part in ALL of this.

jason started back to work this week. for the same company that laid him off. Seven. Months. Ago. i'm inwardly so afraid that his choice will backfire, 90 some odd days from now. when the work is caught up and he's just another expendable payroll number. i'm ANGRY with him. for not recognizing his own worth. for not finishing his schooling. for not taking his state test after going thru the classes and clinicals. for taking the easy way out and going back to his comfort zone. for going down this road yet again, and inevitably taking us with him. inwardly, i want to scream and kick something really hard. i want to demand that he grow up. that he stop falling back on whats familiar. that he stop depending on me to catch that fall.

but outwardly, i love him. and i tell him i will support his decision. that i may not agree with it. but i acknowledge his right to make that decision for himself.

and i realize i can ONLY be responsible for myself. i can't fill the void and gap for anyone. i can love and support. but i can't be his self worth. i can only be responsible for mine. for my actions. for the choices i make day to day. and i HAVE to take care of myself. i have to be able to love and accept myself and move forward and not allow myself to be held back by fear.

3 years ago this month, i was raped. by a friend that was closer than a brother. it tore my world apart. it broke me. and in ways i cannot even begin to explain to you. i had known darkness and despair. but this is a grief that never really LEAVES you, i've come to believe. somehow, in some way, you find the ability in yourself to get back up. to move forward. but there are moments; days even, when that hollow darkness just engulfs you. its a pain that it unparalleled. and lately, those darker moments have been visited afresh. I know in my heart that God is walking me down that road for a purpose. and some days, that belief and that trust are the only things getting me through.

but i know that i WANT to make it. i want to make a dent in this journey. and i want a purpose filled, well lived LIFE. even if its just that one baby step at a time.

so each morning that i get back up and i try... its a GOOD day. and its a start.

happy new year

when i'm nervous, stressed, at my breaking point, i do one of two things; have a massive and incapacitating migraine. or i have diarrhea.

its fun, really. wading thru a med class or interview or parent teacher conference with tunnel vision or the Ninth Revolt Of The Bowels.

this morning, upon waking up with a migraine, i followed up my excedrin with a 3 lb 6oz poo baby.

you're welcome.