stuff

i watched Today's interview with gayle haggard this morning and while i know her stance is viewed widely thru *skeptic vision* around the world, i find her to be blatantly honest, with a dignity and grace that are unparalleled. and i understand why accepting her choice seems so strange in today's world, where leaving is logical and staying and choosing to love through something so unbelievably painful seems insane to so many.

but to me, it shows hope. and it makes me feel so not all alone.

i started a new shift at work last weekend. fri/sat/sun 12 hours overnight.

i jumped at the chance when it was offered. more hours = more money = less on-the-job stress due to less business politics and unruly staff to deal with = more time with the family = win/win.

i dunno. i guess i thought magical fairies would pop out of my gluten free breakfast cereal and sprinkle rainbows and energy after a 2 hour nap, and i'd have all day on the weekends to ride bikes, steam clean carpets, master the art of french cooking and do craaaazy things like spend quality time together.

the term *regret* might be accurate if maybe somewhat premature, as jason gently points out. saturday, laying down at 10 am, with the help of tylenol pm, i was up 4 pm. the house was empty. i was energized. i whipped up a batch of brownies and made one of my signature *homemade* pizza's. i watched a couple "ellens" on the dvr. i checked the clock like 60x's. i texted jason. i ate a piece of pizza and warmed the oven up for the 3rd time. at 10 after 7, jason and bella arrived back home. bella, in time to grab a brownie and a change of clothes, blowing a kiss out the door to a sleepover. jason, apologizing for having too much fun, playing on the 4 wheelers with his buddy.

so i left the house angry, and 30 minutes too early. and i drove around aimlessly in the dark, crying, feeling sorry for myself, trying to pass the time.

whats' funny, is that they'd been trying to do me a favor. i happen to have what i like to call bat sonar for ears. which has been both really helpful and incessantly annoying, thru the years. during a migraine, every single vibration is intensified. and sleeping is never deep; i can hear a flea fart at 20 paces. i've worked 12 hour shifts for the past 3 years and it takes me nearly 2 days to recuperate, after my schedule. i'm not being a whiny baby, but sleep is just so not a friend of mine. i try to avoid the sleep aids unless completely unavoidable and neccesary. so i feel tired alot of the time. if it isn't my brain on auto-pilot, its my ears. and the rest of me is just along for the ride.

but back to my depression. ugh. its just so not fair, this money business. i miss the good old days when moms got to be moms and grow gardens and plan meals; host tupperware parties, and visiting was something you all did together. when one income was enough. when life didn't cost so much.

mostly i just hate that i have to work, period. there, i said it. life sucks and then you get the runs. and i'm just feeling sorry for myself. i know its just growing pains, but i feel like i work so hard and yet i'm left out of nearly everything & i don't get to participate in my family's life on their off-time. i've applied for cna work... many places have a hiring freeze right now. and even so, i've come to terms with the very real possibility that any job i manage to pick up there will more than likely involve the 12 hour shifts as well. working the weekends, or overnight shifts, ensures that one of us will always be there for bella. if she's sick, if she's on break, has a dentist appointment, summer...you get the picture. and so, that's what i do.

i know this too shall pass. and i'll get over my whining. but sometimes life is just one big hemorrhoid. and me, without a butt pillow.

le sigh.

so where was i....so saturday night, when i did clock in, it was to absolute chaos and destruction. while i gritted my teeth and began rounds and cleanup, one of the day staff just sat on the couch, watching me work, sprawled out, like a weeks' worth of washin', and my blood just finally boiled over. so i took a deep breath and confronted said staff sprawler, asking her nicely to please keep me out of future conversations with another staff member.

now then. i was perfectly sweet. polite. i even plastered on a smile for good measure, for i couldn't help myself.

but i didn't need to. and i should have left it alone. its kinda like the old story, the boy kicks the dog who bites the cat who scratches the dad, who yells at the mom who scolds the boy, who kicks the dog.....you get it.

but this is me we're talking about, of course. the one that cannot leave well enough alone. and because i couldn't control anything else, well why not control my mouth either.

out of the blue, i got a text message from another coworker earlier in the week, informing me that the 2 of them had been discussing my weight. how thoughtful.

i think it went a little something like this: "so L and i were talking and i mentioned there's a girl in my class that looks like you and she said oh really? and i said yeah, and she said she thinks you've always been kinda big and i said i think i remember when you were smaller."

now, then. i knew better. because, come on, i'm almost 35 years old. because on my non-fat days, i am totally convinced i am one fine cougar.

because, they have just reintroduced peaches and cream barbie from 1985, my friends. for 45 bones, mind you. but which, at any rate, brings back realllllly fond memories from 25 years ago.

because, come on, what is this, kindergarten? it was stupid and childish. and this particular coworker loves nothing more than a good fight. so i understood it for what it was....she was simply trying to bait me; get under my skin. hurt my feelings. get something started.

and as much as i hate to admit it, she did a mighty fine job. because it just so happens i've been on a body loathing hiatus for the past month or so and then this schedule change that has left me soooo uplifted, and so because i was in such a spectacularly super mood, i kindly asked the 2nd perpetrator to leave me out of future discussions.

ba-dum-bum. 'nuff said. moving on.

instead of apologizing , however, said staff sprawler burst into tears and somehow, rather than gloating in my own self-defense and satisfaction, i found myself holding her, trying to calm her down, as she bawled at the injustice of the texting narc who tattled on her.

what just happened.

i mean, seriously, God? seriously?

i'mma tell ya what. if this state of the union address tonite doesn't at the very least ensure that jason will be hired on permanately after 90 days?

not for nothin, but obama, you so owe me a butt pillow.