here's to full tummies

i know i've been kinda *mia* around here lately. life has been busy and full of unexpected twist and turns around these parts. but i won't complain. God has blessed my socks off this year. and one day soon, i'll be back by to spin some yarns.

i hope that you spend your thanksgiving with the people that matter most to you. i hope you are warm and taken care of. i hope at the end of your busy day, that you are needed. that you are loved. i hope when you smile at people in passing, that you do so from your heart, so that your eyes light up and they feel it and smile back. i hope you are gracious and in turn, are given grace. i hope you are blessed beyond measure. i hope that you have hope.

love, me.

i had a bad day

i'm so stressed out right now. so forgive me if this seems jumbled. this just feels like the safest place to vent for a few minutes before i need to square my shoulders and get goin'.

its funny...i almost didn't post my entry yesterday. as i was just finishing up loading my pictures, i received 2 phone calls. the first, from my boss, wondering if i could fill in for a coworker. the 2nd, from my landlord, wondering if i could leave the door unlocked today because its that time again for appraisals on all their properties.

both, sent me into a frenzy. i needed to jump in the shower and get to the store in a short amount of time.

when we moved in here, 2 years ago now, we cut a deal on the deposit with the agreement that we would handle the cleanup, the paint and trim, new border, etc... and while we wiped everything else out before we moved in, the master bedroom and kitchen were still in need of border. the bedroom, i'm not worried about as its been an ongoing project and we've had fun with it as we've changed it up several times. the border is painted currently to match our trim.

i've had plenty of time to do the kitchen, but not the $$ and i'm picky ~ i've been holding out for my *dream border* if such a thing exists. and in my world, it does, ok? i don't care that this house is just a rental place. i found the border i fell in love with when i was still living back in nebraska, actually. but i've got a large kitchen and the cheapest i could find, was gonna run me $40 .

i'm anal about my house looking *nice*. i'm a cleaner. especially when i'm stressed. so that, i wasn't worried about. but its been this thorn in my side, all this time, this tacky old border with bright pink flowers and such. its just that every time i've thought i was gonna get a break and that extra $40, something else has come up.

our landlord has been wonderful; very easygoing, laid back kind of guy. but i know these bank people are important to the success of their business and i don't want to let him down. so i dug in the jar we've been saving for our christmas trip and ran out in search of some border that would at least be acceptable. i couldn't believe my luck when i saw signs up at lowes for all their wallpaper/borders discounted. the down-side, i quickly realized, was that much of it had already been picked over. everything i was remotely interested in was sold out or only had bits and pieces of remnants left over. then, in the very last drawer, i saw a beautiful pattern and dug out 3 rolls. they were unpackaged with just the upc written on tape. i figured they'd been used for samples. i needed 4, but the rolls seemed extra thick so i located a salesman & asked if he could measure it for me. he smiled and waved me off, saying each roll was 15 yards. i did a little happy dance in my head and practically ran to the checkout. 3 rolls for less than $10? score.

wrong.

i came home and did a quick assessment, realizing i was gonna have to have jason do the lions share of the job since i had to go into work. i came up 4 feet short.

4 feet short.

i wanted to cry. seriously. but i had no time. i had to make arrangements for someone to pick up bella from school, call the school, get ahold of jason to let him know why the kitchen was tore apart and could he please, please, please save my butt and still get that shower.

by the time i got to work, i was already stressed. and then i was informed that both ebb and flow needed to be to the activity center by 5:30, dressed nicely, to "receive an award at a party". it was pushing it, but we made it work. i got both ladies to the clinic and home for a snack, then changed into pretty dresses for their *party*.

ebb was excited, because in her mind, "party" means 4 things: dancing, cake, potato chips and coke. in that order. for flow, this means lots of hugs and kisses from the boys. when we arrived and rounded the corner to the gymnasium, however, i was met not with a host of our recipients but instead, news crews and people in ties and heels.

i felt about this low.

i don't know when i have felt more inadequate, more embaressed, more angry, over a job. i could not believe that my manager hadn't had the decency to let me in on what was actually going on, and suddenly it all fell into place. this was the reason that my coworker had "called in". and here i am in jeans and a pull-over, tho i guess that was better than scrubs. but here i am, looking, literally, like a deer caught in headlights, as i pose them for picture after picture, wiping drool, smiling for the cameras and praying for rescue, realizing i'm about to be splashed all over the 10 o'clock news.

and if that wasn't bad enough, i then had the daunting task of keeping them quiet, entertained and *appropriate* for the next hour and a half, while we listened to a sleu of suits talk about this great company and what it was founded on and blah-blah-blah. turns out, it was the company's 40th anniversary celebration. not that any of our other employees or clients had been invited. no, that would've been stupid. i mean, after all, employees and the people they take care of are a dime a dozen, right?

nope, it was just a rigid cocktail party for all the rich folks that fund our program as part of their companies charity. the only reason we were there, is because flow is the oldest living client, having been with them for every one of those 40 years. and you know what she got out of the deal? she got to stand up for one nano-second when they mentioned her name. she got to pose for pictures with people that wouldn't even let her hug them when she reached out, and walked away disgusted, afterwards, as tho she'd had leprosy or something.

and ebbs brother was there. he's a member of their stinkin' board. the same guy that hasn't stopped by once, to visit ebb, in the year its been since their mother died. that funeral that i took her to because noone else in her family would. and he stood there and introduced his boss to his sister that was born without eyes, as tho she could see. he stood there reminiscing about their childhood and what a grand gal she is, as she held my hand, not his. and i wanted to throw up.

of all the people there, only 4 had been invited that were developmentally retarded. and as the 4 of them walked out, charlie, one of our oldest downs clients, tripped and fell. he's in his 50's and a little heavy. add to that, his embaressment as he struggled to get back up. there we are, all clustered around him and 6 of those very same suits that mere minutes ago, were up there on stage talking about the importance of this job and what it takes to run a successful business & keep us going, including ebbs brother, walked right past him. without a 2nd glance. without so's much as a "hey, are you ok?"

no. instead, they walked right by, climbing into their big fancy sedans and driving away.

i guess this is my shout-out to all those big suits out there in the world. my open letter to the members of the board, if you will.

why.

why support some cause, why even include your company name, if you're just going to walk away. if by "donating", you're then not required to invest even the slightest part of yourself. these people don't know what i do on a daily basis. they don't visit our classrooms or clinics. they don't stop by our houses on a holiday & take away from their families or lavish lifestyles to visit these little people we support when their own families just discard them on our doorsteps.

it all just makes me so angry. i left there last night, so disillusioned.

and today, i have a monster headache. jason, love his heart, made magic happen with my kitchen border and when i got in about midnight, i stood there and cried.

and now, its time to square those shoulders and get the heck out of dodge. i have a couple short hours to finish up and make myself and the dog and cats scarce for a little while. then i'll get bella from school and i'll go in tonite for my 12 hour overnight shift. cuz thats what i do.

i guess, just, if you happen to think about it, a hug or a prayer or even a mocha frappucino would be greatly appreciated today.

<3

because i got high

courtesy of newland county, north carolina, near linville, this is the view i was greeted with yesterday.

when jason beeped in on my conversation with my sister, tuesday morning, we'd been right in the middle of discussing things like our kids and holiday plans; my hope to switch with a coworker so we could take bella to the annual free day @ the zoo this saturday in knoxville.

he asked me if i wanted the bad news or the worse news. and inwardly, i cringed.




in this grand political season, you've heard alot of talk about things like our *bad economy*. and just here, in our area, where jobs in manufacturing and hard labor are a large source of our general employment, we've seen them hit hard.

jason works at a scrap yard. its hard work. its out in the elements.

recently, they were bought out by a global company. and while many changes have been welcome ones, they've also had extensive casualties along the way. about a month ago, they had to let all of their temporary employees go, leaving them with just 14 men on the crew.

one of the temps had become a good friend of jasons' and i hugged his shoulders just weeks ago as he sat slumped in front of our computer, searching want ads with jason, and wondering aloud, with tears running down his rough cheeks, how his family was going to make it.

due to new metal laws taking effect in october, business has slowed to a crawl. they announced tuesday that indefinately, they'll be closing their doors on wednesday of each week, which drops the guys down to 32 hours a paycheck.

they also informed them that over the holidays, they'll be shut down for a week, receiving just 2 days worth of pay.


i inhaled a sharp, deep breath, as he laid this all out. and then i told him we'd be ok. that God will see us thru it.


i told him that maybe i can sneak in some overtime, tho my own company, funded in large part by the government, has lost much-needed funding this year as well, forcing them into cut-backs, the same as everyone else.

i told him we'll get thru it.

but as we said our goodbyes and i switched back over to my sister, i felt my stomach drop on the floor. she, of course, was having none of it, and asked me what the difference was. wasn't God the same God that was there just a few minutes ago when all i was worrying about was what to buy whom for christmas?

and i know she's right. that ugly thing called worry just tends to sneak up behind me when i least expect it sometimes.

my devotion that day read:

Looking back you will see that every step was planned. Leave all to Me. Each stone in the mosaic fits into the perfect pattern, designed by the Master Artist. It is all so wonderful! But the colors are of Heaven's hues, so that your eyes could not bear to gaze on the whole, until you are beyond the veil.



So, stone by stone, you see, and trust the pattern to the Designer.

When you go, your steps will not be hampered. when you run, you will not stumble. Proverbs 4:12

so yesterday, we took a drive. we live just minutes away from the north carolina border and found ourselves kind of just drifting towards newlands waterfall park.




in the spring, it is lush and beautiful. everything green and fresh and full of life. the smells are intoxicating and you can't wait to dip your toes in the fresh springs that bubble up everywhere around her.





as fall fades and winter sets in, the view is far more barren. vacant. your hideaway seems somehow more raw and wide open.

~.~.~.~.~



but we found it still just as refreshing, as we trekked up the 3 waterfalls and meandered over the walking trails and roughly hewn stairs made out of tree roots and bridges that people in years past have lovingly crafted, all throughout the mountain top.



and it was a good thing. a day for reflection. for clarity. for some deep breaths, in some fresh, crisp air. a reminder that God is right here, right now. even when thats a little harder to see.

move over siskel & ebert. or how i never got an american girl doll

if you're looking for a family friendly type movie for the thanksgiving holiday....which, coincidentally is rapidly approaching at breakneck turkey type speed, may i suggest "kit kittredge" of the american girl fame.

bella has been pestering me to see it for awhile now & i had begrudgingly agreed, after a list of conditions had been met, such as getting thru a school day without a mark or at very least a smiley face or just one offense on her take-home folder. cleaning her room without being asked. no sass at homework time. polishing the catbox errr....silver. etc...

and wouldn't ya know it, she came thru. so yesterday, i had to admit defeat, and fold, with a visit to my nearest redbox for their delightfully wonderful $1 rentals. cha-ching. (also note my shameless plug for redbox. what's that i hear? a free rental? you shouldn't have.)

i know this is gonna sound really selfish and such, but when i think *family fun*, my first question is generally, what can i get out of this? which totally sounds worse than it is, because what i mean by that, is that i'm considering what i like to call the well-rounded effect.

*will this be boring or cheesy in any way, shape or form for any party involved.

*will my lightweight, waterproof and fire resistant backpack fit all neccesary means of rescue should the need arise: bug spray, sunblock, snacks, drinks, tranquilizer gun, bandaids, motorized wheel-chair with rear wheel drive & optional speedboat mode. a shot of morphine.

*do we have a backup plan in the onset of weather and/or nautural disasters or bears.

*will it be pee-in-our-pants fun and excitement, or will someone literally feel the need for peeing in their pants, depending on logistics.

*and, most importantly, where are the emergency exits for the quick bail-out.

the same is true for me when you mix words like *movie* and *family friendly* in the same sentence. i'm a skeptic.

still. a very large chunk of my soul really really wanted this movie to be superb. i was 11 years old, the year the American Girl dolls were first introduced. and i vividly remember the year i spent christmas in omaha with my well-to-do birth dad's family. my sister staci received the *molly* doll. she was the most beautiful doll i'd ever seen and i cringed as staci drug her along by the hair, whacking her against the steps as she climbed up and down the stairs all day. i asked my step-mom where she'd found such a pretty doll, and she and my dad laughed, as my grandmother shook her head, saying i was entirely too old to care about dolls.

when i came back home, i did a little investigating, and got my hands on an AG catalog. from there, it was a trip to the library where i quickly fell in love with the samantha character. and then, kit. the dolls were ridiculously expensive and to be honest, i never really even entertained the idea i could ever have one. but i was an avid reader and enjoyed many of the AG books, getting lost in their characters. samantha was the little orphan girl, sent to live with her affluent grandmother in the early 1900s. she was kind and open hearted and taught the grownups around her many valuable lessons in acceptance, by her adventures in friendship, crossing racial and social boundaries. kit was the little girl in the midst of the depression, with dreams of becoming a journalist. her life as she knows it, plunges head-first into the unknown and her motto, left to her by her father, becomes "don't let it beat you".

i was fascinated, even fixated, growing up, on very specific points in our history. stories of the native americans, the prairie pioneers, orphan trains. the depression. just to name a few. i would pour over books, soaking in all the details. any books related to particular periods were devoured with fervor. i read all the janette oke books. the mandie series by lois gladys leppard held an extra special place in my heart. as did the the sadie rose series by hilda stahl. areleta richardsons grandmas attic series. my beloved anne of green gables.

these books were no different. and this movie is precious. it really is.

the year is 1933 and kits' life has been, in many ways, untouched by the depression and ongoing despair around her. her family is affluent ~ her mother a high-society woman who regularly holds tea luncheons with her well-to-do friends. her father, a car salesman. they live in a large house, in a high-end neighborhood. they can afford groceries and luxuries. words like "bad economy", "depression", and "hobos" are just silly, yet degrading, schoolyard terms.

then her teacher announces one day, they'll be helping to serve in a soup kitchen. one of her best friends, francis, is affected by the phenomenon of the scary bank foreclosure when her family is forced to move. as she passes out bread with her classmates to the many worn faces in the crowded soup kitchen, she sees her own father standing in line. and her life is suddenly turned upside down.

they've lost everything. their car is sold, money and food is scarce. her father travels to the city to find work, as they turn their own home into a boarding house to make money. her mother moves into the sewing room, as kit moves into the attic to make room for more tennants. they begin raising chickens to sell eggs and kit is struck with the realization that everyone is just one step away from the poor house as her mother makes her first dress from sack cloth.

the movie follows their struggle to get thru this time. the many colorful characters that come to stay in their home: a magician. a mobile librarian. a dance instructer. a classmate and his mother. she forms an unexpected friendship with 2 hobo children & discovers the damaging effects of stereotyping. how important everyones stories are. she & her friends enjoy some old-fashioned sleuthing when her own house is struck in a string of robberies.

and thru it all, she gains an understanding that the world around her is far more than what she'd ever thought it to be. that you should never let it beat you. and love and perseverance are 2 of the most priceless things of all.

its a really good story line. its not kitschy or too girlie or sappy. its sweet and heartwarming.

so go. rent it. tell em kat sent you.

fingers crossed

so this is my shameless plea to win the free wii she's giving away over yonder for a



wanna see my actual comment? and i quote:

"dudes. i live in the land of the deep fried south. i never in my life have had a gym membership and i sure as heck missed the ticket on the free treadmill for christmas. my badunkadunk is looking more and more like aunt cheryl's every day. i think its *My Time*. i haven't been good at a video game since Vector Man on the Sega Genesis. viva la weight loss, my friend. viva la weight loss. plus, i promise to post youtube videos of myself, sweatin' it off, 80's old-school style. it's how i roll."

you know you would totally watch my video.

ode to star wars

i was 2 years old, the year Star Wars came out. 29 years later, i actually sat down and watched it for the first time. i think this video is hilarious. not to mention, wicked awesome.

menagerie monday! a.k.a. "she's a linker, that one".

dudes, i'm so tired. i've been up for the past 20 hours & i've had to edit this thing a bazillion times. my apologies.

i've been on this new-fangled diet, the last few days. i call it *bleh*. it consists of equal parts: water and air. vitamins for dessert.

i'm so hungry.

so i'm making up for it this morning, with leftover meatloaf & mashed potatoes. also, an eggroll. and then? a pepsi, to wash it all down.

viva my waistline.

add *treadmill* to my christmas wish list? check.

so now to the good stuff. this past week wasn't the best for me. or my badunkadunk, while we're keepin' it real. but i'm glad to know i'm not the only one out there. and i'm so encouraged that everywhere i've looked today, i've seen inspiration.

first, please, everyone, CHECK THIS OUT. i love zefrank. have i shared that before? well i should have.

i'm grateful for the awesome sermon we had at church yesterday ~ kind of a re-juice for my spirit. it was much needed.

our church is fortunate to be deeply involved in global impact, and this sunday marked the national day of prayer for the persecuted church. as we watched this incredible video after the service yesterday, it just really reinforced my desire to get out there and do something. (p.s. pause the lil' jukebox down yonder so you can hear it)



my sister wrote an awesome post yesterday that i think is every bit worth your time to check out. as did aaron over at Arms Wide Open. sooo encouraging.

i find myself linking often to this guy these days, also. his take on politics and faith is rockin', and he and his wife have taken on the challenge of doing one thing a month, to make a difference. to change the world. check out his thank you note to the president.

i think that's awesome. it doesn't have to consume you. thats not your job. you just need to get out there.

and last but not least, i encourage you to check out these awesome causes:

this:



and then this.

be inspired.

tired

i'm sleepy today. and yet i can't sleep. my body is revolting against this substitute schedule ~ 12 hours seems so much longer during the night. i'm exhausted, then, during the day, and my brain won't shut down. i'ts been on the verge, this morning, but now the upstairs neighbors have started in, true to their anti-domestic-blissity.

its been a kind-of surreal life here in the byrds nest this week and blogging hasn't really been foremost on my mind.

i feel like i have so much to say. yet i don't know where to start. and i tend to hold my tongue here in this forum, in the presence of confrontation. several doors were opened up in my closet of closets, this week. doors that have sat me down hard on a floor of refelction. and then, there are the issues i am passionate about. yet i have remained passive, because i don't feel screaming for my freedom of speech is the right way to get my point across.

i am one of the most open and accepting people you will ever know. which is something that hasn't always neccesarily been a blessing in my life. at times, its put me face-to-face with confrontation. at times, its placed me in situations less than desirable. you can judge me for that or even find it honorable, but it is my truth. i have friends and people in my life, from many different directions. and we don't always see eye-to-eye. and often, we come to a place of agreeing to disagree. but i love them because thats whats in my heart. and because this is a good portion of what i feel is my purpose. its not my place to judge you. it is my place to hear your story. and my hope, that you will listen to mine.

we have a new president. and whatever your opinion is on this election, this decision has been made. we have made history, yes. and i do not doubt that changes will come. many, welcome. what i'm struggling with, is that in my heart, i'm truly discouraged by the sheer number of people banking on him, and him alone. the truth is, he is one man. and he's not the one single answer to everyone's prayers. the reality is that he's got a really tough job ahead of him. and he doesn't make his decisions, alone. now, more than ever, we need to rally as a nation.

and now, more than ever, i really feel that christians, more than any other minority, need to find their voice. and not in a pulpit-beating, fire and brimstone screaming kind of way. we need to do something. as someone who readily admits to imperfection and fumbling, yet who proudly bears the title of Christian in what it means to be so, at its deepest root.....someone who believes in one God, not a higher power, i feel the need to stand up and do something. now.

and you can roll your eyes and cluck your tongue. but in this country, where we are so fat and spoiled, our issues always tend to come full circle, revolving around an *equality* that a large percentage of our population feel we are owed. but this is our truth: we as the people and for the people aren't owed anything. we've struggled for what we deem as our *rights* down thru the ages. and we've made great strides. but herein lies my confusion: we have done so, in the name of what?

at some point, that grey area so many of us have subscribed to, because its safe, or comfortable, is not ok. our issues are very much cut and dry. black and white. wrong or right. morality is rapidly becoming an *old school* word. and for every enormous step forward in what we deem acceptance and that desired permission slip to do what feels good, we lose sight of what has and will always be good and true.

there is no such thing as something for free. we will always have to give up or sacrifice something in the hand-off. equality is no different. and we are losing the good fight, for every little slice of legislature passed, that we chalk one up for society, yet look the other way as we step on so many others on our way up.

why do we fight so hard for the womans right to choose her body against her unborn, yet we turn around and demand the highest capital punishment in the face of abuse or murder of our tangible children. we demand our right to gay marriage, yet turn a blind eye to the very real epidemic we face in what the sanctity of marriage even is, anymore. if what we're fighting for is simply a piece of paper, yet we do nothing to hold those vows strong and steady when life hands us anything but perfection or acceptance, and that same paper can then be ripped up as tho it was just a mistake, then where are we? why do we demand that our schools parade and promote alternative lifestyles and religions at every possible corner, yet you then take away my right to pray, or my bible, because i am a "ridiculous radical". because you are right and i am wrong, and i can't possibly understand where you come from or what it means to be you. you want to put me in the closet so you can come out. when i never placed you there to begin with.

because when we feel convicted, we feel we need for someone to tell us its really all ok. that if something gets hard, we want the go-ahead to give it up. if something isn't convenient or won't make everyone happy in the room, we want a magic wand to be waved, to make it so.

my heart is just so heavy, right now. moreso because i feel at a loss. a very real loss.

and i'm wondering where you're at, in all of this.

wherein i hope you all voted for my chihuahua

defender of the crotchless underwear, the world over.

listen. i'm nothing if not your political Eye in the Sky. your government guru. your hot air machine. so it will come as no surprise that yesterday, i purposely left the news off. i talked to my mom & sister on the phone. i snuggled on the couch a little too long in my pajamas, watching cartoons a little too late in the morning with my daughter, eating a little too much leftover halloween candy for breakfast. we took daddy on his break to a suprise picnic lunch by the river. we got a fruit smoothie and a frappucino at our favorite coffee hang-out. we spent time with bellas great-grandmother and took her for a walk. we watched the new "tinker bell" movie. and "get smart". we ate tatertots with supper. and after some tickle wrestling and many snuggles and a prayer that God will lead our new president in the right choices, mom and dad snuggled on the couch watching "the strangers." we climbed into bed and turned the news on at 11 pm. and jason held me close as i cried.

there's gonna be alot of the obligatory election posts spinning 'round today. alot of people happy and alot of people not-so-happy. and i dunno about you, but i'm just really not ready for that whole *thing* quite yet. in the spirit of remaining politically ambivalent, the only thing i'm really going to add is that i think america has been asleep for a really. long. time.

...and i will heal your land. 2 chronicles 7:14 .

yah. here's the kicker tho. ya gotta read the stuff before the dot.dot.dot.

you like how i totally did the obligatory post thing without you even realizing it, don'tcha.

i got mad skills, crickets. mad skills.

and we've got work to do. you know who you are.

dear xm

dear xm radio,

please to enjoy my letter following,to inform you of these problems with you.

please. i implore for you. please to hire people that speak english. that not only can speak it fluently, but also, then, to understand it and verify those informations.

and when you're finished with that, please to then send your magic little signal and activate my husbands blasted radio.

for the love of all that is holy.

with much sincerely,

k to the at byrd

grace and its defining moments

spoiler alert. i'm about to go all linkish up in here.

i've been sitting here for a little while,now, reading some of the news blurbs and snippets race by on screen. finding myself grateful for a quiet, sleepy house this morning, and opting for no tv on, with news & polls screaming in my ears.

i'll be happy when today is over. tho i will tell you now, in all confidence, i will not feel secure in the result.

i had this whole post started late last night that had alot to do with where i thought today was headed. somehow, it all dissapeared into the haze of the ethernet. i have to admit some dissapointment on that, and yet i think that's telling of where i'm at, in my life right now. sometimes, i think that in our most profound moments of truth, there are never the accurate words.

and on this all-important election day, i find my place in all of that, fitting.

autumn has always had a profound effect on me. this year is no different. i see myself as always either entering or fading out of a season in my life. this latest one, although certainly not appreciated at first, has been a season of stillness. dare i admit it, rest.

i have been in love with the writings of Rumi since first introduced to his works some years ago. i find it so devastatingly refreshing and inspirational, that when translated, a mans'deepest thoughts in the 1200's apply just as accurately to the 2000's.

“Live where you fear you cannot dwell. Destroy your "reputation". Be notorious.”

yes. sign me up for some of that.

i'm finding alot of inspiration in his words these days. alot of inspiration in my bible and private devotions as well. i've spent alot of time over the past 2 years in particular, researching this topic called grace. being hit upside the head with it. being in the unique position of offering it, myself. a perfect example: go youtube you some bebo normans song britney i'm sorry and see if you don't feel a sucker punch to the gut.

and then. watch this. for what it is.





because for me, grace walks hand-in-hand with unconditional love.

magpie girl said it so eloquently, recently:

i think the most effective way to love others is to follow your impulse towards them. That’s your intuitive voice of wisdom telling you what to do. I struggle sometimes to embrace this wisdom, because the older I get the more disreputable those impulses seem. They often require me to live counter-culturally. Examples? I’m a lot more transparent than most people would advise. I tell people what I dream about them. I keep in touch with my first crush because he is such a wise, dear soul. I adopt teenagers who talk to me on street corners. None of these seem…prudent. But those are the things love has offered to me these past years. When they come I’ve tried to embrace my puckish side, deny fear, and jump. It’s not been without pain, but I truly have no regrets. I keep choosing "The Beast", (love)
and people get loved in the process.

meg casey's recent post hit home as well:

The nights are growing longer. The winds are picking up. This is the time of the year when hearts turn inward, when inner demons, the little gremlins who have been hiding in the shadows whispering their sweet nothings show themselves, when the things that go bump in the night get extra noisy.

I am always surprised and rather amazed at the fact that no matter how much I grow, no matter how much I breathe, no matter how many minutes I stay present, I keep coming back to the same lessons over and over, challenged again and again. No matter how much I think I have mastered, there is so much more I don’t know, so much to learn over and over again. That no sooner do I think I have grown out of an old way of being, do I find myself being tested in big and small ways yet again.

In these moments of vulnerability I realize that for all my learning it simply boils down to this: I am scared to death, that I don’t know the way, and that I never really did. And when I can let myself stew in that reality long enough I find myself knowing this one true thing: courage is really simply about feeling the fear and wading through anyway, one tep, one breath at a time.

preach it, meg.

i've recently undergone a season where its' been neccesary for me to sit back and let go. which is a reality so impossibly unattainable for me, i can't even begin to tell you. because my version of "letting go" generally comes with ripping and shredding. in like a lion, this one. and all of a sudden, i find myself on the verge of this change again. yet another season where i am sifted.

last night at work, jason called to inform me of a text message he'd just received from candace's mother. for those of you keeping up with my story, you'll know where i stand on the whole candace *issue*. and you'll remember where i left it, nearly 7 months ago, in her hands. the text asked if she could meet with us. i told jason to give her my work number and within minutes, i found myself taking a deep breath in a half-finished prayer for the right words. for rescue. i was answering her call, and being brought around full circle.

the awesome *jon* had the following to say on the subject of rescuing, referring to Jeremiah 1:7-8 and the importance of the word "rescue",

It reads like God is saying, "Look, you need to go do what I am asking you and it won’t be easy. I'm not calling you to safety and comfort, I'm asking you to go into a situation that's going to be dangerous and difficult. Where I am calling you will be so horrible that it will require rescue, but I will provide it. That's what I am going to give you, rescue. But in order to give you the gift of rescue, I need you to go somewhere that requires it and I'm going to be upfront, that won’t be fun. Because if it was, rescue wouldn’t be necessary and that's the gift I want to give you. So …."

Don’t get me out of it, get me through it. - Mark Driscoll .

connie called to weep on my shoulder. and i spent the next hour and a half in a conversation that ordinarily i'd have felt unprepared for. yet somehow, that rehashing the past and summoning old demons, felt normal, this time around. i didn't feel bare and exposed and defensive and ashamed. i felt like i had a foothold. like God was there.

i listened to her speak of loss. of her fear for candace. and even as i heard myself assuring her i would make that call, i would reach out to candace, i wondered what i was getting myself in for. this has been the one female presence in my life, aside from my sister, that has held such a significant role in my life. we've shared so much. we've watched eachother grow and then simultaneously fall apart at the seams. the choice her husband made, ripped apart 2 marriages and a friendship so close. the kind of friendship that many people long to experience in their lifetime.

when we last spoke, i'd been carrying through with a commitment i'd made in counseling: to bring about a closure to a wound that was gaping wide open with pain. sooo much pain. instead, i found myself defining where i was, what i could and could not tolerate, yet promising her that i loved her. that i was, by no means, closing a door, but was leaving this in her hands. and for me, that was the closest to a closure i could come to.

so it was with a heartfelt prayer and several deep breaths, that i re-opened that door last night.

and i called.