Sunday, July 24, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
can do
i'm not going to apologize for my last post.
not because i'm wallowing. not because i recommend a full mental breakdown to get you thru those *low places*. but because i'm real. and this is ME. in my authentic, messy, not-so-perfect, not-everything-is-always-hunkey-dory life.
because some days my faith is NOT as big as a mustard seed.
because somedays, we have to get low, to see how to get high.
and because some day, when my daughter is in her 30's & wondering how i felt when i was in MY 30's, i hope she'll read this and know that gravity is normal. that its ok to fall.
that what MATTERS, is that you know who's going to CATCH you when you do.
because He does. ALWAYS.
as i stood in the kitchen last nite, pouring my heart out to my poor sweet husband, who stood there unsure of whether to hold me tight or find an industrial sized kleenex to wipe away my tears & snotty nose, he did the next best thing and didn't say anything at all. so when i finally migrated from the kitchen to the bedroom & collapsed on the bed, he quietly sat down next to me & massaged lotion into my sore left shoulder as we both sat lost in our own thoughts.
there are alot of CAN'Ts in our life right now. and thats a cold hard fact.
but isn't it just the tiniest bit wonderful that we believe in a God of CANs?
i'm pretty sure my guardian angel was kept busy, trying to scrounge up the tiniest violin to play *my heart bleeds for you* last nite, while i poured out my anger and frustration and hurt to God. I prayed for my family. for my hurts. for my mom who's sick with pneumonia. and i prayed until i drifted off to sleep. i don't think i uttered the word *thank you* once.
yet i woke up this morning at peace. somehow, when i least expected it, and least deserved it, God saw thru all my nonsense, and He held me close & carried me through.
thats called grace, kids.
last nite, that line from that song " so i'll smile my best smile...and i'll laugh like its going out of style"....kept taunting me, as i dreaded going to church today. jason even asked me if i wanted to lay out just this once. to take a break. but i told him no....it wasn't the right thing to do. i needed to go.
on the drive there, bella's friend from the infamous back-yard-camp-out called, asking if she could come with us. and i was take aback, because when she spent the nite that time & had gone to church with us the next day, she acted completely annoyed to be there with us. she refused to participate in the games i'd planned for class or sing or even pray. and i was gentle and sweet with her there, but you know, i hadn't said one prayer for her since. i hadn't asked God to touch her heart or hoped she'd learned just one thing during that time she'd spent in our home or the hour in church that she'd stubbed up. i hadn't reached out to her at all. instead, i think i breathed an audible sigh of relief when we dropped her off.
and yet there she was, calling to ask to go with us. and when we pulled up, her sister shyly asked if she could come too. and we said sure, the more the merrier, and i surprised myself by MEANING it.
across from the college, sits a Pal's. one of those fast food burger joints found only here in the south. they have a new quote every day on their billboard & this morning it read: Keep Smiling. i thought that was fitting, for the way the morning was going. so i tried it. and i kept it on, when we got to church & i smiled at everyone and greeted all the excited kids and i knew this was indeed, exactly where i needed to be. and when i took them down for class after praise & worship, we talked about Gentleness, in our fruit of the spirit study. we talked about a Gentle Heavenly Father that longs to hug us up tight & love us. about the same sweet Jesus that humbled himself to wash the disciples feet, who humbles Himself every day to try to be a part of our lives. and we each drew an animal that represented gentleness to us, and then played boys vs. girls, being blindfolded & trying to copy each drawing.
hilarity ensued.
and i felt good. and i thanked God. for loving me in those low places. when i forget to be grateful. when i forget what it means to lay it down. to compartmentalize....a gift He gave me...ALL of us a long time ago. to take what we can in this moment, and set the rest of it on the shelf. His shelf. cuz we're handed alot of can'ts every single day. we just need to remember to breathe. and handle the cans. and give the can'ts to Him.
maybe its time you, like me, unwrapped that gift. its not shiny and new. maybe abit more like borrowed and blue. rough around the edges. it doesn't have magic powers & won't answer all your questions and fix all the broken stuff laying around in your life. but its precious. because HE gave it to us. its that need...that absolute desire to lay down our wonderwoman badge and crawl up in His arms and rest awhile.
not because i'm wallowing. not because i recommend a full mental breakdown to get you thru those *low places*. but because i'm real. and this is ME. in my authentic, messy, not-so-perfect, not-everything-is-always-hunkey-dory life.
because some days my faith is NOT as big as a mustard seed.
because somedays, we have to get low, to see how to get high.
and because some day, when my daughter is in her 30's & wondering how i felt when i was in MY 30's, i hope she'll read this and know that gravity is normal. that its ok to fall.
that what MATTERS, is that you know who's going to CATCH you when you do.
because He does. ALWAYS.
as i stood in the kitchen last nite, pouring my heart out to my poor sweet husband, who stood there unsure of whether to hold me tight or find an industrial sized kleenex to wipe away my tears & snotty nose, he did the next best thing and didn't say anything at all. so when i finally migrated from the kitchen to the bedroom & collapsed on the bed, he quietly sat down next to me & massaged lotion into my sore left shoulder as we both sat lost in our own thoughts.
there are alot of CAN'Ts in our life right now. and thats a cold hard fact.
but isn't it just the tiniest bit wonderful that we believe in a God of CANs?
i'm pretty sure my guardian angel was kept busy, trying to scrounge up the tiniest violin to play *my heart bleeds for you* last nite, while i poured out my anger and frustration and hurt to God. I prayed for my family. for my hurts. for my mom who's sick with pneumonia. and i prayed until i drifted off to sleep. i don't think i uttered the word *thank you* once.
yet i woke up this morning at peace. somehow, when i least expected it, and least deserved it, God saw thru all my nonsense, and He held me close & carried me through.
thats called grace, kids.
last nite, that line from that song " so i'll smile my best smile...and i'll laugh like its going out of style"....kept taunting me, as i dreaded going to church today. jason even asked me if i wanted to lay out just this once. to take a break. but i told him no....it wasn't the right thing to do. i needed to go.
on the drive there, bella's friend from the infamous back-yard-camp-out called, asking if she could come with us. and i was take aback, because when she spent the nite that time & had gone to church with us the next day, she acted completely annoyed to be there with us. she refused to participate in the games i'd planned for class or sing or even pray. and i was gentle and sweet with her there, but you know, i hadn't said one prayer for her since. i hadn't asked God to touch her heart or hoped she'd learned just one thing during that time she'd spent in our home or the hour in church that she'd stubbed up. i hadn't reached out to her at all. instead, i think i breathed an audible sigh of relief when we dropped her off.
and yet there she was, calling to ask to go with us. and when we pulled up, her sister shyly asked if she could come too. and we said sure, the more the merrier, and i surprised myself by MEANING it.
across from the college, sits a Pal's. one of those fast food burger joints found only here in the south. they have a new quote every day on their billboard & this morning it read: Keep Smiling. i thought that was fitting, for the way the morning was going. so i tried it. and i kept it on, when we got to church & i smiled at everyone and greeted all the excited kids and i knew this was indeed, exactly where i needed to be. and when i took them down for class after praise & worship, we talked about Gentleness, in our fruit of the spirit study. we talked about a Gentle Heavenly Father that longs to hug us up tight & love us. about the same sweet Jesus that humbled himself to wash the disciples feet, who humbles Himself every day to try to be a part of our lives. and we each drew an animal that represented gentleness to us, and then played boys vs. girls, being blindfolded & trying to copy each drawing.
hilarity ensued.
and i felt good. and i thanked God. for loving me in those low places. when i forget to be grateful. when i forget what it means to lay it down. to compartmentalize....a gift He gave me...ALL of us a long time ago. to take what we can in this moment, and set the rest of it on the shelf. His shelf. cuz we're handed alot of can'ts every single day. we just need to remember to breathe. and handle the cans. and give the can'ts to Him.
maybe its time you, like me, unwrapped that gift. its not shiny and new. maybe abit more like borrowed and blue. rough around the edges. it doesn't have magic powers & won't answer all your questions and fix all the broken stuff laying around in your life. but its precious. because HE gave it to us. its that need...that absolute desire to lay down our wonderwoman badge and crawl up in His arms and rest awhile.
Friday, July 8, 2011
meltdowns
this is an excellent read:
http://www.chattingatthesky.com/2011/07/05/how-to-take-a-vacation/
"you can breathe in the deep mountain air along with all your worries...."
amen.
they did a special service sunday, in celebration of the 4th of july. so things were done differently. and there was never a *good* time to dismiss the kids for childrens church without disrupting the entire congregation, so i didn't. i thought, maybe, like with so many other things, they just "forgot" to include me on the "plan". i leaned over during the special singing & whispered to jason, wondering if i was supposed to stay or go. he shrugged his shoulders, just as confused as i was.
fast forward 2 hours later & I was returning a call from the pastors wife, wondering if there was "something wrong....why hadn't i taken the kids over...we had several kids show up that day and then there was little rose that started crying in the middle of the service, interrupting the sermon..."
unfortunately, after a long & strenuous week, it was the icing on a very large cake, for me, and i hate to admit it, but i dissolved in a heap of tears, the moment i hung up the phone.
i've been struggling with so many of the *little things* in the *low places* over the past many weeks.
i know we go thru these valleys...these low places, for a reason. that there is a lesson in the quiet moments. the moments that seems to stand still and stagnant. but sometimes, it seems we're stuck there for awhile & i can't help but feel like my faith must not be strong enough or theres' a lesson i'm missing along the way.
on the way home, my power steering pump had gone out. yet another costly need in the ever growing mental list i keep. i'd worked overtime all week, in part to keep me busy & not thinking about the upcoming holiday. and mostly, to store up some extra money to finish paying off my car.
i admit i don't understand. i don't know why some of us seem to struggle & struggle & struggle, even tho we're trying so hard to do everything right. there are times, when i feel like the closer i try to get to God, the farther he backs up. i tried to do the right thing by dropping my shift to help with my father in law & husbands grandmother. but now he's passed and she's in the nursing home and i'm stuck thinking about how dissapointed i am with the lack of hours and more importantly, pay. its in those moments, its harder to be grateful that i have a job, and easier to bask in the unfairness of the circumstance.
i'm trying so hard to get out from under this car payment. and yet one thing after another has gone wrong with the car, adding to the overall final cost that just seems to keep adding up, rather than going down. all that overtime i put in last week will do little more than pay the repair bill now, instead of paying it off.
my days seem largely, monotonous. one after the other. and i feel like the mother bird with a nest full of babies, all with their mouths open, needing to be fed.
we are blessed to have enough. no, we're not starving, tho i can't always afford groceries. we can still afford gas in our car. we still have a roof over our head. but some days, i'm ashamed to admit that i am so ungrateful. because some days i want just a little more than that enough, instead of bitter dissapointments.
the 4th was incredibly hard for me. i missed my family horribly & tho their intentions to include me with their calls were heartfelt, it felt like a knife in my chest every time i answered the phone. its not their problem i chose to live 1200 miles away. but the fact is, i do. and the fact is, that i'm angry we seem to only manage to barely scrape by and i'm angry that i didn't have the money to go back home to visit this year.
i cook and clean and take care of things & people at home. then i go to work and cook and clean and take care of things and people in another home. and i go to church on sundays & go down in my little basement and entertain a room full of children so i can take care of things and people there too. so their parents can sit and enjoy the sermon in peace. and slowly, this becomes my life. and slowly, i am deeply, deeply depressed.
i'm tired of mothering. i'm tired of aswering questions and solving problems and taking the intitiative. of being the one with the backup plan. the one they can count on.
and today i'm very, very sad.
http://www.chattingatthesky.com/2011/07/05/how-to-take-a-vacation/
"you can breathe in the deep mountain air along with all your worries...."
amen.
they did a special service sunday, in celebration of the 4th of july. so things were done differently. and there was never a *good* time to dismiss the kids for childrens church without disrupting the entire congregation, so i didn't. i thought, maybe, like with so many other things, they just "forgot" to include me on the "plan". i leaned over during the special singing & whispered to jason, wondering if i was supposed to stay or go. he shrugged his shoulders, just as confused as i was.
fast forward 2 hours later & I was returning a call from the pastors wife, wondering if there was "something wrong....why hadn't i taken the kids over...we had several kids show up that day and then there was little rose that started crying in the middle of the service, interrupting the sermon..."
unfortunately, after a long & strenuous week, it was the icing on a very large cake, for me, and i hate to admit it, but i dissolved in a heap of tears, the moment i hung up the phone.
i've been struggling with so many of the *little things* in the *low places* over the past many weeks.
i know we go thru these valleys...these low places, for a reason. that there is a lesson in the quiet moments. the moments that seems to stand still and stagnant. but sometimes, it seems we're stuck there for awhile & i can't help but feel like my faith must not be strong enough or theres' a lesson i'm missing along the way.
on the way home, my power steering pump had gone out. yet another costly need in the ever growing mental list i keep. i'd worked overtime all week, in part to keep me busy & not thinking about the upcoming holiday. and mostly, to store up some extra money to finish paying off my car.
i admit i don't understand. i don't know why some of us seem to struggle & struggle & struggle, even tho we're trying so hard to do everything right. there are times, when i feel like the closer i try to get to God, the farther he backs up. i tried to do the right thing by dropping my shift to help with my father in law & husbands grandmother. but now he's passed and she's in the nursing home and i'm stuck thinking about how dissapointed i am with the lack of hours and more importantly, pay. its in those moments, its harder to be grateful that i have a job, and easier to bask in the unfairness of the circumstance.
i'm trying so hard to get out from under this car payment. and yet one thing after another has gone wrong with the car, adding to the overall final cost that just seems to keep adding up, rather than going down. all that overtime i put in last week will do little more than pay the repair bill now, instead of paying it off.
my days seem largely, monotonous. one after the other. and i feel like the mother bird with a nest full of babies, all with their mouths open, needing to be fed.
we are blessed to have enough. no, we're not starving, tho i can't always afford groceries. we can still afford gas in our car. we still have a roof over our head. but some days, i'm ashamed to admit that i am so ungrateful. because some days i want just a little more than that enough, instead of bitter dissapointments.
the 4th was incredibly hard for me. i missed my family horribly & tho their intentions to include me with their calls were heartfelt, it felt like a knife in my chest every time i answered the phone. its not their problem i chose to live 1200 miles away. but the fact is, i do. and the fact is, that i'm angry we seem to only manage to barely scrape by and i'm angry that i didn't have the money to go back home to visit this year.
i cook and clean and take care of things & people at home. then i go to work and cook and clean and take care of things and people in another home. and i go to church on sundays & go down in my little basement and entertain a room full of children so i can take care of things and people there too. so their parents can sit and enjoy the sermon in peace. and slowly, this becomes my life. and slowly, i am deeply, deeply depressed.
i'm tired of mothering. i'm tired of aswering questions and solving problems and taking the intitiative. of being the one with the backup plan. the one they can count on.
and today i'm very, very sad.
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