beautiful

yet another reason i love fox's So You Think You Can Dance. this was a number by tyce diorio as a tribute to the fight of a woman with breast cancer. i cried, lord how i cried. remember to pause the ol' music box on the bottom of m'page.

mumbo jumbo

argh.

i hate government red tape. aka, medicaid. more like i hate the process. and i hate that i'm stereotypical in my assumptions of who actually ever qualifies for what they really need. but its more than a little exasperating to me that the family with both parents working to provide and pay their bills and taxes, are deemed unqualified, yet the 19 year old drop-out,expectant mother with 2 already at her ankles,wearing fancy gold hoops, selling pot our her window and her food stamps for cash and deciding which pair of ed hardy jeans to buy her baby daddy, does.

thats not to say its every case. but that 19 year old girl? was my previous upstairs neighbor. i know of a family right now receiving $800 in food stamps for 4 kids cuz their dad won't consistently hold a job. and i had a coworker i barely know call me last week to let me know she'd used my name as a reference so her caseworker would be calling. all i needed to do was lie and tell her we'd been friends for 2 years and that she and her husband, a truck-driver, are "seperated", so her food stamps, daycare, child support and insurance could continue.

its not my place to judge someone. but i really, really struggle with the injustice sometimes. i believe everyone deserves a chance and a hand up, along the way. not to be confused with hand-out. but don't they need to also work for it? or was i just one of those rare people that grew up in a time and place where you Did The Right Thing.

now do those kids deserve the help because for whatever reason, their parents can't provide it? absolutely. so with that said, doesn't mine deserve that same chance too?

i never had the luxury of not working to support my child. i did what i needed to do. and yet,it seems because i chose to work and provide for my family, although commendable in society,was more like a shot in the foot.

crazy.

don't mind me. i've just been on the phone with our local medicaid office.i'd already assumed it would be a cold hard summer before jason and i could get coverage but i figured bella would surely be eligible, where jasons' insurance ended with his lay-off.

but after a 30 minute interview, i was told we didn't qualify because our $1700/month income is over their requirements for a family of 3. ironic, since not 6 days ago, i received a letter in the mail from the same state, advising that bella would be eligible to receive free lunches at school, as we made less than half of what the state estimates to be the average income for a family of our size, listing us at poverty level, in black and white.

its funny, really. my little piece of heaven over here could certainly never be mistaken for the taj mahal. and i'm aware that our monthly income is a mere monthly mortgage payment for some of you out there. yet i know we're so very blessed and that we have more than so many. i don't feel like i live in poverty, until the very government that i help support and provide for, slap me in the face.

i know i'm not alone in my frustration. i just wish i could fix it.

channeling erma bombeck

on a monday, i took a pregnancy test. all the symptoms have been there. and at the 2 minute mark, there it was, in a faint vertical line, marking the plus sign i was dreading/hoping for.

we painted the house. jason cut his foot. bella started back to school. i woke up on a wednesday morning with the sinus infection to beat all sinus infections.

on a sunday night, the floodgates of my uterus burst open with such fervor and searing pain, that i understood my daydreams of blue or pink were meant to be tucked away.and with classes starting the next day, i understood God has other plans.

i've been thinking alot lately, on the subject of love.

i'm new to, but loving the series, "the cleaner". we enjoyed Michael J Fox's "Adventures of an Incurable Optimist" last night, and i'm blown away by his joyous and persevering spirit. i loved it when he said "i think its about doing the next right thing. it doesn't have to be doing the next thing right."

i shared my willie story with my sister and she had a different take on the situation. she asked me, 'what if he had been just simply overwhelmed by someone showing him kindness and love, that he responded with a sort of unbridled gratitude.

well, something to that extent.

i think she has a point. its funny, i've not seen willie again since that day. and i wonder about him from time to time.

some days i feel far from accompished. and today, when i ache and hurt and have managed to move only from the bed to the couch, i look at everything i haven't done and that needs to be done, in my mind. but i forget sometimes, that that's ok. and that this too shall pass, and all of this that i do, matters. it counts.

with respect to a dear fellow blogger,i'd like to borrow an excerpt that really hit home the other day.

Often I allow myself to think that being at home with my children, reading to and with them, and going on short day trips with them doesn't count as much as...

I think that sitting poolside and watching them play in the pool doesn't count as much as ...

I think that cooking for them, even though I hate to cook, doesn't count as much as...

I think I don't count as much as... because I'm not earning a salary.

I think that I don't count as a good example of the real women, the strong women, the women who are good role models because those women don't earn master's degrees and then stay home with their kids for the next 15+ years.

I forget that reading and journaling and taking photos and telling our stories and welcoming friends to share our lives and praying and writing all count.

I forget that remembering those that I love in prayer and kind thoughts and moments of simple soul-deep connectedness, even when separated from them by hundreds or thousands of miles - I forget that it counts.

I forget that smiles and waves and "please" and "thank you" count.

I forget that responding to emails and phone calls and text messages counts.

I forget that me being me, failing and falling apart, strong and weak, loving and laughing out loud, weeping, growing, being defiant, being compliant, reaching out, reaching in, being silent, grateful, discontented, writing, not writing, cooking, not cooking, cleaning, not cleaning, teaching and not teaching - I forget that me living my life to the fullest, it counts. Big time.

Letting go of what is not kind or generous or thoughtful counts too. Choosing not to retaliate, not to criticize, not to engage in needless debate counts.Apologizing, forgiving, releasing old grudges count.Breathing, simply inhaling and exhaling, taking many long, slow breaths before responding, sometimes choosing silence, always seeking to foster calmness and welcome gentleness - it all counts.

I forget far too often that it all counts. Every single minute of it.

ahh. much better. relax. breathe.


ok. just in time for the 4th of july, i'm done with my hissy-fit. i promise. and hopefully i'll be around here a little more often.

i just have those moments from time to time when i need to project or i spontaneously combust.

it hasn't been all bad, this change in direction. its been rather nice, having jason around the house. we've learned to aggravate eachother in new and exciting ways, for one. job leads are few and far between. but i'm confident that God will see us through. He always does.

between weather and work not cooperating, we've yet to make a camping trip, but summer has just begun. we've spent time at the lake, enjoyed some much needed relaxation in the smokies, foundered ourselves on garden goodies.

thanks to both grandmothers, bella's had a wonderful experience, participating in the Girls, Inc day camp this summer, and we couldn't be more pleased. i strongly encourage anyone with young girls to look into this program in their community. its awesome.

i start cna classes this monday. although, a step down from my lpn, its a step in a good direction. and i'm excited for that.

and for those of you sweethearts that have subscribed to my facebook or tweets, thank you so very much for your support. every time i get a comment or message, its like a real honest-to-goodness hug. i love you all so much.

for the time being, however, i've deactivated those accounts. maybe its my own sense of down-sizing. but with working as much as i can and never fully grasping the applications, its just been a little too much for my mind to wrap around. this little blog has always been my breath of fresh air. and tho its good to try on new things, they don't always fit. 'think i just got a little too big for my britches for awhile and forgot that.

much love to you all over this holiday weekend. enjoy.

bitter breakfast

as a disclaimer:

i'm thankful, ever to thankful , that i live in the greatest country in the world. i subscribe to the idea that life is what you make of it and that the sky is most definately the limit. we are blessed.

i don't for one moment, believe i should have the audacity to complain.

and i don't lay blame on one president or one generation or group of people.

but on occasion, i'm just frustrated that our country has gotten to this point. and i'm frustrated that i can't figure out a way to make it better.

and some days are just a little harder than others.

Dear rich politicians and high mucky-mucks who have lost all sense of value in the world around them,

Today I was given the luxury of waiting in line 45 minutes to receive my paycheck and be granted the opportunity to participate in a health plan my company has decided so graciously to extend.

I was told that for a mere $362.97 per pay period......that works up to $725.94 a month......I may obtain coverage for myself and family.

Just to be clear, that would allow me $104/month, or $52 every two weeks, to contribute to my family's living needs.

Today, my husband also received all paperwork neccesary to prevent a lapse in medical coverage, after having been one of 150 employees laid off in the southeast region in May.

His letter reads as follows:

"The American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009 was designd to increase jobs, fund projects, offer tax relief and assist individuals who have become recently unemployed by subsidizing and reducing COBRA premiums. You are receiving this election notice because you experienced a loss of coverage."

I'd like to take the time to thank you. I can't tell you how comforting it is, to understand that for a mere $981.83 a month, we may continue our medical coverage. Just to be clear, this would allow Jason -$69.83 to contribute to his family's living needs, after unemployment checks that will end, as of December.

As I write this letter of thanks, I'm perusing the *Dynamic Details* 'zine that SDI, better known as Steel Dynamics Inc. sends out. Fascinating, in issue 21, an interview with chairman and CEO Keith Busse states that "The current global economic meltdown is deep and wide", but he believes SDI has a "bright future and that the company will be stronger for having endured adversity."

I do wish the best for SDI's future progress and investments. And I am certain that they sleep far easier, knowing they endure this adversity due to no longer having to shoulder the cost of employing the hundreds of workers they've laid off or fired in their last 4 downsizing sprees over the course of one year.

so where does it end? when does money and profit and bigger, better, faster take a backseat to life and the quality of it. some days, the promise a "brighter future" just seems a little bleak, in the here and now.