when keepin' on makes sense

i read the greatest blog entry tonite. and especially loved these words by beth moore :

"God allows wounding in your life so that He can bring healing."

i found myself in the unique position of relaying a portion of my testimony last night, to someone that is hurting right now in their own life. and thru our parallel stories, as i relived the events of my past and heard my own words, i felt such an encompassing peace. and i thanked God for His perfect timing and strange, mysterious ways.

thursday rolled around this week, heavy on the busy side. i fielded work calls, cleaned house and voraciously steamed carpets.

i'd received a text message from candace that morning, asking if we were coming.

i'd been avoiding this confirmation, putting it off as long as i could, burying myself down deep in physical work. i paced the house, praying and thinking, scrubbing at imaginary spots on my floors. i texted jason and said i didn't know if i could do this. i didn't think i was strong enough. he asked if i wanted him to cover for me and say something like i was called into work....maybe another time would be better... or we didn't have to do this at all.....we could close this door....

i said no, whether we went or not, i had to be straight with her and come from a place of total honesty.

and so i did. i wrote that there was a very real part of me that wanted, no, needed to come. but there was the other side of me, still hurting and wounded, 3 years later, that was fearful. because i'd lost so much and hurt so badly. where had she been all this time. where were they when i begged and pleaded to get thru this together. seek counseling. and what were we hoping to gain from this meeting. because i couldn't go down this road again, without some sense of clarity.

my big brave indiana jones step of faith on to thin air, just wasn't gonna be enough this time.

i didn't hear back from her for quite awhile. my mind set about sarcastically imagining her reaction and bracing myself for a comeback.

i took a moment to read my devotion:

March 18 - Your Resolutions

Listen, I am your Lord. Before me there is none other. Just trust Me in everything. Help is here all the time.

The difficult way is nearly over, but you have learnt in it lessons you could learn in no other way. "The kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force." Wrest from Me, by firm and simple trust and persistent prayer, the treasures of My Kingdom.

Such wonderful things are coming to you, Joy - Peace - Assurance - Security - Health - Happiness - Laughter again.

Claim big, really big, things now. Remember, nothing is too big. Satisfy the longings of My Heart to give to you. Blessing, abundant blessing on you both now and always. Peace.

"Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and show you great and
mighty things, which you knowest not." - Jeremiah 33:3

she texted back, asking if i'd be willing to talk to her on the phone.

and nearly an hour later, as we said our goodbye's, it was with a quiet, calm spirit.

we met with them that night. amidst the playful chatter and chaos of 5 little ones underfoot, we sat around their table, the 4 of us, and talked, late into the evening.

i have always felt, and believe still, that often our greatest testimony comes not from the closing of doors, but the choosing to walk thru them, and the journey therein. not for the faint of heart; at times, painstakingly slow. baby steps. maybe even a crawl.

but do i believe it worth it, every step? without a shadow of a doubt, yes.

what happened to me 3 years ago, shattered my existence as i knew it. and i've struggled daily, to regain my peace and hope and joy.

but i believe with all my heart, that God intended all of this for His good. this time 3 years ago, there were 4 people on an out-of-control roller coaster, in desperate need of some brakes. so God had to throw us from the tracks.

and we all landed hard.

but i'll tell you something. i can honestly say i don't know where i'd be today, had God not thrown us from the track and this not happened. i don't believe my marriage would have sustained, had this not happened. i don't believe the 4 of us could have sat together, thursday night and shared all of this, our story, our testimony, had this not happened. its so easy to walk away in this world, when you're wronged, in the name of closure. the hard part, is facing yourself and all the ugliness and hidden demons attached. and getting through it, to the other side.

so this is a step. and a work in progress. but i thank God so much for His perfect love and redemption and grace.

good things to come.