random katnip

jason and i each bought eachother one gift for christmas this year; a luxury we really hadn't anticipated. i told him i wanted the biggest loser game for the wii. target had it for $20. woot. shameless plug.

when he traded in his xbox to get a wii back in the spring, i never thought i could actually enjoy a gaming system. but i LOVE it. i think because it goes against everything i thought video games were. its interactive. you actually have to participate and MOVE. and the 3 of us can bowl and golf and race bikes and fight bad guys and be guitar hero rock gods and shoot toilet plungers at *rabbids* and just plain PLAY. together. as a family.

so, that said. i'm loving my new game. but to do so, meant sucking it up and actually weighing myself for the first time in MONTHS. which a)SUCKED. and b) meant i had to wait for a day where i was completely alone to MOURN. last year at this time, i was so stinkin' proud of myself. for the first time in years, i'd actually LOST weight over the holidays. and then i started walking and maintained that routine for several MONTHS before all of a sudden my beautiful little thing i had going for myself dissapeared like a fart in the wind and i fell fat on my face.

sooooo i finally sucked it up and weighed myself. and i was none too happy. but its a start. and any start is a good start. however, is it really not SAD that not only can jillian make the contestants throw up on the SHOW, but she has the same effect thru the magic of a video game as well. hello? are you for REAL? and i thought YOGA was overrated. who knew you could burn 8 calories by bending yourself into a pretzel, all while distributing your weight evenly on a balance board. oi vey.

but i digress.

i find myself wanting to be around positivity right now. maybe its becuz i feel like i've been oozing little more than sludge and bitterness around here lately. but at any rate, i've found those bright spots in the oddest places recently.... i'm loving the ellen and bonnie hunt morning shows. they're just good PEOPLE. i caught richard simmons in an interview the other day and even tho he might just be the looniest person i know, his energy and joy and spirit are just infectious. i watched the news special on the crisis in haiti tonite and my heart just cries for these people. yet i sat just overwhelmed and amazed at the various international groups that have immediately responded to their need for help. a local family this week learned their son in iraq had been gunned down. in an interview with our local news, his father openly cried as he described his sons loyalty and character. his dreams and lust for life. when asked if he blames the war, he proudly shook his head and said, "greater love hath no man, than he lay down his life for his brother".

gosh, it just puts everything in perspective, you know? the world never stands still. never WILL, really. and we're always going to have these moments...these struggles....these hurdles. these tragedies. this pain. but there are so many beautiful things. sooooo many. and i realize how BLESSED we are. to be a part in ALL of this.

jason started back to work this week. for the same company that laid him off. Seven. Months. Ago. i'm inwardly so afraid that his choice will backfire, 90 some odd days from now. when the work is caught up and he's just another expendable payroll number. i'm ANGRY with him. for not recognizing his own worth. for not finishing his schooling. for not taking his state test after going thru the classes and clinicals. for taking the easy way out and going back to his comfort zone. for going down this road yet again, and inevitably taking us with him. inwardly, i want to scream and kick something really hard. i want to demand that he grow up. that he stop falling back on whats familiar. that he stop depending on me to catch that fall.

but outwardly, i love him. and i tell him i will support his decision. that i may not agree with it. but i acknowledge his right to make that decision for himself.

and i realize i can ONLY be responsible for myself. i can't fill the void and gap for anyone. i can love and support. but i can't be his self worth. i can only be responsible for mine. for my actions. for the choices i make day to day. and i HAVE to take care of myself. i have to be able to love and accept myself and move forward and not allow myself to be held back by fear.

3 years ago this month, i was raped. by a friend that was closer than a brother. it tore my world apart. it broke me. and in ways i cannot even begin to explain to you. i had known darkness and despair. but this is a grief that never really LEAVES you, i've come to believe. somehow, in some way, you find the ability in yourself to get back up. to move forward. but there are moments; days even, when that hollow darkness just engulfs you. its a pain that it unparalleled. and lately, those darker moments have been visited afresh. I know in my heart that God is walking me down that road for a purpose. and some days, that belief and that trust are the only things getting me through.

but i know that i WANT to make it. i want to make a dent in this journey. and i want a purpose filled, well lived LIFE. even if its just that one baby step at a time.

so each morning that i get back up and i try... its a GOOD day. and its a start.