on grace sufficient and being shattered before God

right now, i'm feeling kind of shattered. and i'm having a hard time sleeping.

i'm wading thru some tough stuff in my life.... maybe the two are conjoined in some way? ha. i know one thing. i picked a heck of a time to embark on this losing weight business. my internal clock has been all upside-down-sideways with me working 3rd shifts now. and sometimes i think i've done gone and bit off more than i can chew. literally. but i know this. i don't want to lose out on this amazing opportunity to dig deeper and live stronger. the looking back is always hard. but if that moves you forward, in good ol' martha's words, "its a good thing".

i happened on this website tonite and had to share it because her words really resonated with me and provided such clarity. she talks about some really tough subject matter on her blog and in this particular entry, comments on Gods' grace and knowing without a shadow of a doubt that God and the Bible are real.

an excerpt:

McDowell taught us that the Bible is quite unique in its continuity. He explained that the Bible was:

• written over a 1,500-year span
• written over forty generations
• written by more than forty authors from every walk of life
(kings, peasants, philosophers, fishermen, poets, statesman, scholars)
• written in different places
(wilderness, dungeon, hillside, palace, prison, island, while traveling)
• written in different times
(war, peace)
• written during different moods
(joy, pain, sorrow, despair)
• written on three continents
(Asia, Africa, Europe)
• written in three languages
(Hebrew, Aramaic, Greek)
• written to address various subject matters, including controversial topics

and Despite all of these differences, the Bible’s authors spoke in harmony and with continuity from Genesis to Revelation that there is one unfolding story – God’s redemption

thats amazing to wrap your mind around, isn't it. and it brings me such comfort.

i started this blog in 2008, as what i intended at the time to be a private journal. my heart and mind were reeling in the aftermath of my rape and i needed so desperately, a save haven where i could vent, and beat my hands on the walls and scream and cry and pray and most importantly, heal. i was so very broken when i created this page. and in the years and blogs since, this tiny dot on the internets' map has become MY redemption of sorts.

i'm a firm believer that we all have our stories to tell; that each deserves to be heard. NEEDS to be heard. and that some of the GREATEST reads are discovered within the tattered and torn pages of our hearts. some are found in pictures. others in words.

my *book* as it were, is a work in progress, filled with some really big chapters that are not always an easy read; i know, especially not for close family or friends that read my page from time to time. because i talk about it all. from my negative self-image to hurts in my past, to inadequacies in parenthood, to dealing with some monumental issues in my life, from my rape, abuse, sex addiction of my partner, marriage and divorce. miscarriages. bankruptcy. weight-loss, heartache, betrayal. but through it all, Gods' unfathomable grace. and here's why i share it all. there's this great quote i read just recently: “I’m convinced that it’s when we live out real authentic lives that include our failures as well as our victories that we can be of the greatest use for the Lord in other’s lives."

so this is me. as i run and stumble and fall flat on my face. i'm a wife/ mom/ sister /daughter /friend. and at the heart of ALL that is just a girl. journeying to live a life of substance and purpose. who's growing and learning and changing. with alot of love and tears and laughter along the way.

i'm 34 years old. this may, married to jason for 10 years. mom to bella. i'm a soon-to-be registered CNA and work for a government agency, assisting adults with mental retardation. i LOVE what i do, but secretly always wonder if thats *ok* or if i should still dream about being that midwife/massage therapist/marine biologist. over-achiever, much?

i've never actually sat down and wrote out a *top 100* list. my hair is never in style. my right eye twitches when i'm stressed out. i love bare feet and old photographs and road trips to nowhere. i wish i could play the guitar. i wish i looked great in a bathing suit and i wish i could make yeast rolls like my mom. at times, i can be loud, opinionated, wide open and insufferable. people that love me call me kat.

so i want to take this moment tonite, to thank God. and to thank you for reading me. and for loving me.