fireproof

today i was cleaning out my archives... organizing my favorite web journals and haunts...getting my ducks in a row. i've been so out of the loop lately, with the past few months a whirlwind of events, verging on staggering, yea, even epic, proportions. my daily blog check-list has gone unchecked for much too long. i dropped in on a particular journal i'd let slide and was disheartened to learn of his passing in december. stefs writing...his very legacy will humble you, and i encourage you to read his story, then stop by his wifes' page. lend your encouragement. and please keep them in your thoughts and prayers. i cannot imagine the loss their family is trying to sort through, and the strength that keeps them going.

it sobers me. 'makes me realize how simple my *complex issues* really are.

bella is out on spring break for the next 3 weeks. so far we've been off to a good start with girls day out, trying out new recipes, gratuitous movie watching and later today, a trip to ye old dollar store for supplies to make our sure-to-be-rad-fad flower power hairbows, just in time for spring, should she ever decide to arrive.

i attended orientation on monday, and sandwiched between 85 other hopeful nursing students, i tried not to hyperventilate while straining to process the greek that is 22 pages of required memorization by the beginning of may. 175 medical abbreviations. the 19 medical specialties and their defining curriculum. 143 suffix/prefix roots. they started talking about clinical requirements and my eyes started to glaze over.

what i'm struggling with the most, is wondering which direction i take right now. if ever there were a fork in the road...

the logical portion of my brain tells me i'm incredibly blessed for the opportunity; the financial aid, to go back to school when so many others can't. that i should think of the long-run; the benefits. but the softer, squishier side screams "don't do it. money's great. but your daughters' another year older; you're sacrificing yet another year of your life. 7 days a week, full-on, between work and school. think of the stress of the past few years. do you really want to go back there...."

and the truth is, noone can answer this one for me. if my heart were a hundred percent in this, jason would be passionately supportive. but he sees my internal conflict and the caveman/i-should-be-the-sole-provider in him hesitates. we watched "fireproof" the other night. and while i have some valid aggravation with the over-acting, the story is lovely. and the purpose it sets out to address, is delivered. a marriage in crisis, a sexual addiction, the empty spaces, the chasm that is created when we drift apart.

with this said, there is a sacrifice in anything great. but i question, sometimes, if the sacrifice itself is too great.

for what you gain, what have you lost.

and so i feel as tho i'm merely going thru the motions right now. attend orientation/check. have immunization records faxed/check. schedule physical/check. confirm financial aid per term/check.

dread/fear/wonder/worry/pray?

check.