the fall

i love this old barn. its one of my most favorite places to go in east tennessee. when i need a minute to think and need a breath of fresh air, its stands there solid, never failing to bring a sense of joy. and strength.

autumn is, hands down, my favorite season of the year, with the months of september and october a particular treat for me. i love everything about it. the beautiful colors and delicious smells. the change in weather; crisp cool air, clear night skies. wood burning stoves. fall mums, hot stew. the promise of halloween, thanksgiving and christmas right around the corner.

but this fall has been hard for me, for a number of personal reasons. my heart and my head have been hurting. and its a very tender hurt. i understand that this season is meant to be one of change, and with that, growth. but with growing, often comes not a small amount of pain.

in His perfect reasoning and ultimate plan, God has chosen for me several thorns to rest in my side, this season of my life. and i've not been the most graceful, getting through the brambles.

my boss has been one such thorn. and after one of my particularly long tirades over the phone, my mom gently asked if i've prayed for her. really prayed. and i had to admit, while i'd spent plenty of time feeling hurt by or being angry at this woman, i'd never once included her in my prayers.

i've seen so many things in this industry, working with the mentally challenged. more than i care to even acknowledge. bad things. wrong things. things that sadden my heart; that i often feel helpless to change.

but its not just work. things are shifting in my life at home as well. in commitments and obligations and relationships. and i'm having a really difficult time, sifting thru my discouragement and what i know to be my own displaced anger and resentment.

candace, after all this time, has entered our life again. and i'm torn between feeling the need to show love and grace, yet so very hesitant in what to do with the hurt that i feel i will always carry. i've worked so hard to forgive and to let go. but that will never take away from the fact that her husband raped me. nor the pain and the long & winding road to forgiveness and healing that his one act has forced my family and i to take...

i came home from work in tears the other night. the events of the day had been the straw to break the camels back, and i barely got the key in the ignition before the tears started flowing. arriving home, the house was empty. and i cried. deep, longing sobs, asking God to hold me.

and when i opened my devotion book that night, it was to the following line.....

When God places a burden on you, He places his arms underneath you.

i'm going thru a rough spot right now. and i hope you'll bear with me, as i take it one step at a time.

our pastor sends a memo every monday and i really got comfort out of his email this week, referencing luke 10:41-42, where Jesus spoke with Martha, telling her "you are worried and bothered by so many things. but only one thing is necessary."

i think there are moments for all of us, when we just need to be reminded of that.

and this....

God wants you to know that what you are most afraid of is where your greatest rewards are. If all you had to do was wish for something and you would have it, life would be pretty boring, wouldn't it? God places barriers between us and what we want, so we can enjoy interesting and satisfying lives. God hid our biggest rewards behind the highest barriers - our deepest fears. God wants us to face our fears, and hold ground in their presence, and let them go, and that's how we get out biggest rewards.

and so today, i'm reminding myself that letting go is one such fear that i need to overcome. and that my God is a God of restoration, redemption and rescue.