late night prayer requests

i hate money. i hate the stress it places on me. i hate the negativity. the sheer helplessness that threatens to take me over time and time again BECAUSE of it.

i hate my "sad face".

i've worked 7 days straight with school and 1 double shift thrown in for good measure.

as of tomorrow, i have 19 straight more to go.

i am beyond exhausted.

bella's school essay is due. scholastic book orders are here. her church group is performing on sunday.

my car won't start. the tumbler/ignition box/whatever its called is not accepting our keys. 1 mechanic quoted us a $60 part and $50 labor. the DEALER informs us he doesn't know what we're talking about and would need us to bring it in. hard to do when you can't start it. even harder when you don't have the money to fix it, nor pay for a tow truck.

jasons car is costing us $10 a day in gas back and forth to school. its sucking the gas and we're enveloped in fumes when driving it.

bellas Girls On The Run 5 k is the first weekend in december. with the events of the last few weeks, we haven't been able to go walk/run with her every day like i'd so determinted to do. i feel like i'm letting her down, and within the last 2 weeks, she's had such bad attitudes and behaviors at home and school. they've come completely out of left field, and by the end of each night, we've been drained, trying to understand where this is coming from and how to fix it. yesterday, she burst into tears in the dressing room of a uniform store. and i know there's so much more to her heart and her hurting right now. and i hate that i'm not even near scraping the botttom of the problem.

after assuming uniforms would not be an issue, jasons' scrubs alone cost me $85 yesterday and i discovered i'll be unable to use the ones i have. which means scrambling to find some at thrift stores sometime between now and monday.

our savings are depleted because of Jason being unemployed for the last 6 months.his unemployment checks run out next week. he'll receive a final check for $40. which will not cover his gas for the week, not to mention bills that are due.

we're hoping and praying and believing he'll be eligible for an extension to get us thru til january. but i'm scared to death about the possibility of the next 3 weeks withOUT his unemployment checks and him being unable to look for work while finishing clinicals. or worse, that THAT pressure will take precedence and he gives it up before reaching his goal of taking his state boards.

God, this journey has hit a really rough bend in the road. and i'm having such a hard time, hiding this fear from jason and bella. bella is running a fever tonite and its 3 in the morning and i can't sleep and i'm on my knees. and i need to let this go.

i'm thanking you for blessing us. for getting us thru this. i'm thanking you for health and family and grace. for your neverending, boundless, infinite love.

i'm asking that you take care of the man in my class, whose electricity is being turned off tonite. i wish so badly that i would have had the extra money today to pay his bill. i ask that you please keep him warm. that you protect him. that you hold him, as you hold me.

i'm asking that you heal bella. that you take whatever this is and throw it away. that you keep jason and me healthy to finish the task ahead.

and i'm asking that you keep me strong. i don't understand the circumstances right now. and i'm overcome by it. fully and completely. i feel like my faith is so tiny and insignificant. please forgive me for that and see my heart.

please just hold me.