spring

you could ask where in the world, the last 4 months have gone. and i'd be apt to tell you the truth: that i barely trudged thru the winter with my sanity (and lungs) in tow. ugh. not very pretty.

but rather than focus on the negative, i'm choosing to move forward. in a few short weeks, we'll celebrate easter. and after a long hard winter, i couldn't be more excited. spring has officially moved in & set up housekeeping. or rather she's been ordering ME around. clean this, mow that, plant some seeds, and for the love of everything holy, put the AC's in. its HOT in this sardine mansion.

this morning i've gone back & forth between *bitter self pity* & *cowgirl up* mode. to catch you up to date, i finally got the holy grail of shifts back: day shift. and yet a mere 2 weeks later found me frantically trying to get rid of it so i could help my MIL out with a snap decision to bring HER mother & my FIL home from the nursing home. I went down to a 2nd shift & lost all kinds of money & perks. i OFFERED to do this tho. and I'd like to believe I made my choice out of love; that my heart was in the right place, but that would be playing a little out of left field. i STRUGGLED with my choice. BITTERLY.

then 2 weeks later, as suddenly as it had started, it ended, with my MIL's decision to let go of the reigns & put mamaw back in a full time care facility & let Ray stay, after surgery to amputate his other leg. oi vey. while i could & should be celebrating my MIL's realization that she is just as deserving of a break, and my FIL making it thru such a major surgery so well, instead, all at once, i feel like i've been the parachute tethered to a tree & suddenly cut loose to free fall.

and i'm dissapointed to admit i've become one of those people that cries out from under the heap of chaos that surrounds her life, only to desperately drag it back in when she finds herself, at once, alone.

i feel like i'm trying to re-find my purpose. i feel naked & vulnerable & not a little worthless, when my plate isn't full and i don't have others to care for. and yet, isn't there something to be said for *being still* at times in our lives? that there is a big DIFFERENCE between that *being still* & *doing nothing.*

i know i could find joy in this strange new change. if i only looked. or maybe listened. but i'm struggling with that a little. so if you happen to think of it for just a minute today, send an extra prayer my way? <3