ahh. much better. relax. breathe.


ok. just in time for the 4th of july, i'm done with my hissy-fit. i promise. and hopefully i'll be around here a little more often.

i just have those moments from time to time when i need to project or i spontaneously combust.

it hasn't been all bad, this change in direction. its been rather nice, having jason around the house. we've learned to aggravate eachother in new and exciting ways, for one. job leads are few and far between. but i'm confident that God will see us through. He always does.

between weather and work not cooperating, we've yet to make a camping trip, but summer has just begun. we've spent time at the lake, enjoyed some much needed relaxation in the smokies, foundered ourselves on garden goodies.

thanks to both grandmothers, bella's had a wonderful experience, participating in the Girls, Inc day camp this summer, and we couldn't be more pleased. i strongly encourage anyone with young girls to look into this program in their community. its awesome.

i start cna classes this monday. although, a step down from my lpn, its a step in a good direction. and i'm excited for that.

and for those of you sweethearts that have subscribed to my facebook or tweets, thank you so very much for your support. every time i get a comment or message, its like a real honest-to-goodness hug. i love you all so much.

for the time being, however, i've deactivated those accounts. maybe its my own sense of down-sizing. but with working as much as i can and never fully grasping the applications, its just been a little too much for my mind to wrap around. this little blog has always been my breath of fresh air. and tho its good to try on new things, they don't always fit. 'think i just got a little too big for my britches for awhile and forgot that.

much love to you all over this holiday weekend. enjoy.

bitter breakfast

as a disclaimer:

i'm thankful, ever to thankful , that i live in the greatest country in the world. i subscribe to the idea that life is what you make of it and that the sky is most definately the limit. we are blessed.

i don't for one moment, believe i should have the audacity to complain.

and i don't lay blame on one president or one generation or group of people.

but on occasion, i'm just frustrated that our country has gotten to this point. and i'm frustrated that i can't figure out a way to make it better.

and some days are just a little harder than others.

Dear rich politicians and high mucky-mucks who have lost all sense of value in the world around them,

Today I was given the luxury of waiting in line 45 minutes to receive my paycheck and be granted the opportunity to participate in a health plan my company has decided so graciously to extend.

I was told that for a mere $362.97 per pay period......that works up to $725.94 a month......I may obtain coverage for myself and family.

Just to be clear, that would allow me $104/month, or $52 every two weeks, to contribute to my family's living needs.

Today, my husband also received all paperwork neccesary to prevent a lapse in medical coverage, after having been one of 150 employees laid off in the southeast region in May.

His letter reads as follows:

"The American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009 was designd to increase jobs, fund projects, offer tax relief and assist individuals who have become recently unemployed by subsidizing and reducing COBRA premiums. You are receiving this election notice because you experienced a loss of coverage."

I'd like to take the time to thank you. I can't tell you how comforting it is, to understand that for a mere $981.83 a month, we may continue our medical coverage. Just to be clear, this would allow Jason -$69.83 to contribute to his family's living needs, after unemployment checks that will end, as of December.

As I write this letter of thanks, I'm perusing the *Dynamic Details* 'zine that SDI, better known as Steel Dynamics Inc. sends out. Fascinating, in issue 21, an interview with chairman and CEO Keith Busse states that "The current global economic meltdown is deep and wide", but he believes SDI has a "bright future and that the company will be stronger for having endured adversity."

I do wish the best for SDI's future progress and investments. And I am certain that they sleep far easier, knowing they endure this adversity due to no longer having to shoulder the cost of employing the hundreds of workers they've laid off or fired in their last 4 downsizing sprees over the course of one year.

so where does it end? when does money and profit and bigger, better, faster take a backseat to life and the quality of it. some days, the promise a "brighter future" just seems a little bleak, in the here and now.

world keeps spinning 'round

the internet access around here kind of rolls in and out with the tide. and the time to spend when it is, isn't always so forthcoming. my updates become a little outdated.

i'm a little bleh tonite...can't sleep. just alot on my mind. maybe its indegestion.

all this new technology boggles my mind, and while a part of me wants to celebrate the new and exciting ways of communicating and staying in touch, there's a very real side that longs for the human connection that so often seems lacking anymore. we busy ourselves, filling our days with the business of busy-ness. and i just find it a little disheartening some days. the more i put myself out there, the more i find myself wanting to retreat.

and yet if i'm the pot, i can't very well call the kettle black. i enjoy my computer time, when available. i'm comfortably attached to my cell phone and that great invention called convenience. so where is my line drawn in the sand. if i don't facebook but i tweet....if i don't myspace but i blog....hmm.

i met a dear and kind old man at the park last week.

my daily routine had become abit discombobulated thru overtime and training requirements at work, and then settled into a somewhat stagnant state when actually given the opportunity. kind of like my blogging.

i was struggling with my 3 miles that morning. and i was rounding a curve, lost in thought when he called out, announcing he'd "made it".

i spent the next half hour, slowing my step to match his and listening to his story.

i'd love to put it into words, our exchange. hopefully, one day i will. he was dear. very dear. and his wisdom was great. yet he is lost. he feels alone in the world. resentful of past mistakes, uncertain of a future that is cloudy with time and age and angst and all the things that the world clutters up along our way, when we let it.

willie said he thinks of suicide often at this chapter in his life. i asked if thats really how he wants to close his page.

i told him i get discouraged with my weight and body image. he said what if God made you beautiful just the way you are.

he spoke of his wife, now estranged. his children and grandchildren.

i told him that happiness is something we have to chase after some days. and sometimes we find it in the strangest places.

he asked why i'd take the time to talk with a strange old man.

i told him that God doesn't make mistakes. that what we go thru, is for a purpose, even when we never understand. and knowing that doesn't neccesarily make it easier, just sometimes a little more bearable.

i told him he needed to know that despite his mistakes, he has lived a full life.

that he needs to know he's a good man.

he called me his angel.

and the next day, he was waiting, umbrella in hand, to walk with me again.

i came home that day, enchanted by our conversation, and repeated it, verbatim,to jason, who teared up at all the right places.

but my friends, it is here that our story derails. for if i'm an angel, gene simmons is a choir boy. and so i suppose it should come as no surprise, that halfway around the track, that fateful 2nd day, ol' willie decided to mack on the heavenly host and came at me with a wide open 78 year old tongue kiss and surprisingly spry speed.

i don't think they make a mouthwash for that.

i also think that horrific image is perhaps forever branded in my brain. not pleasant. not one bit. gets me riiiiiight here, really. every time.

ahhhhh, but this Gods' sense of humor in my life, as of late. describes it rather beautifully, really. He does like to wax poetic. what with jason laid off, the ongoing frustration in my work. with friendships and family and relationships and people and situations and just plain life, that gets to me when i let it...

eh. i guess knowing that God has a purpose and my best interest at heart, doesn't always make sense.... sometimes stings a little... some days i never understand, and that doesn't make it any easier. but some days, knowing that, does make it a little more bearable.

at any rate, i guess there's just one thing you can really surmise from all this.

jason perhaps summed it up best, when not doubled over, laughing.

thats right, baby. i've still got it.

9 years

you're beautiful, my little one.

happy birthday.

a new day

when bella was in kindergarten, she came home in tears one day, over a classmate being mean. i held her on my lap and asked her to tell me 5 things about that day that had made her happy, and by the end of that conversation she was giggling.

its something we've continued to do on a daily basis and it really changes the way you look at things. before she goes to bed each night, we each write down 5 things in a journal. blessings, accomplishments, etc...and it resets your focus. even when a day has seemed nothing but horrible. even when circumstances are hard and you don't have all the answers.

it makes you appreciate the love and beauty already in your life. it helps you value your own efforts and self worth. 'reminds you to lighten up and breathe.

i feel so genuinely, that life's too short not to be happy. not to dream and make your mark, write your story.

last year, around this time, i began actively considering going back to school.

i was in superhero mode...in my "i can do anything by myself" zone. something that, unfortunately, i revert to often. chaos tends to be my security blanket of sorts.and it gets me nowhere. least of all, secure.

with every step of this process, i took a deep breath and plunged right in. and each time, i surprised myself by succeeding. I passed my entrance exam. i filed for federal grants. i studied my terms. i scheduled physicals and shots and attended orientation and assessments.

this past year has been a monumental one for me. i could never accurately put it all into words. but in many ways, i've been rediscovering myself. and the closer i've come to *d* day, i've felt more and more unsure. its normal to have anxiety. but this has been different.

i could think of a dozen good reasons i needed to be on that campus, may 4th. to better our lives. for the money. the job security. to follow through with something. to prove to myself i have it in me. and when may 4th rolled around, i could think of an equal dozen good reasons why now is not the right time for me.

because getting myself, and my life back, is infinitely more important than any career choice i make right now.

the past few years have been gut-wrenchingly hard. and i've struggled....really struggled with who i am and the woman i've felt i'm supposed to be. And i've fallen short of the target, with pre conceived notions of who and what i felt i needed to be and represent to everyone else around me.

one thing i know...i'm one stubborn broad.

there are qualities i want to posess as a woman. and with those, i want most, to have balance and joy in my life. i want gentle strength. i want to set goals and surpass them. i want an inner beauty that shines straight through.i want a life fully lived. i want to be a good wife, mom, sister, daughter, friend.

but instead of actively pursuing that goal, i've worn a badge of hurt and anger. for a really long time. and i got lost along the way. i think part of any journey in rediscovering your happiness and purpose gets toughest when the road veers off onto crooked and gnarled trails. You get so caught up in the idea of you, that you forget where you put your spirit on hold. and rather than figure that out, you run in 10 different directions, bound and detrrmined to really prove something to everyone but yourself.

that happiness...that joy and balance, is what i'm after. Thats what my family needs. Its what i need. right now that feels like baby steps. but we all have to walk before we run.

if school is my decision down the road, it will be when the time is right. and not because i feel like i need to prove something to anyone but myself. or because i feel i need to provide the backup plan when i feel like everyone and everything else has failed. it will be right.

on tuesday, may 26th, jason and i celebrated our 9th anniversary.

on our 9th anniversary, jason was laid off from work. bella came home with a note from her friend austin. he wrote the following:

bella, thank you for being my friend. my mom died. i miss her SO much and i cry every day when noone can see. i hate it when people make fun of me. i miss her. i wish i could talk to her. the reason she died is she overdosed on medicine. you're my best friend.

this week has been busy with schedule changes and abrupt life changes. the last of the year *hurry and scurry*. field days and field trips, talent contests, science fairs, camp registration and the like.

its alot to process.

unprecedented, worst in 50 years, crises of epic proportion, seismic, unthinkable, catastrophic, meltdown. These are just some of the words being used to describe our economic times. Some of these words ring a little too close to home, here recently. and i'm reminded of a verse in psalms: "Neither do I concern myself with great matters, or with things too profound for me." Psalm 131:2

where my treasure is, there will my heart be also.

i'm happy. blessed, even.
my family is healthy.
i hate that danny was voted off american idol.
i'm nerdily ecstatic that the new season of "so you think you can dance" has begun.
my tomatoes are growing beautifully.

this saturday, may 30th, we'll be participating in Relay For Life at the Bristol Motor Speedway, with Team Smitty 2

We're so excited for the opportunity to join good friends in this opportunity to celebrate, remember and fight back.

any contribution you'd feel comfortable in submitting will help a life.

bella has chosen to sing *the climb* in the childrens talent portion.

'never been a big fan of hannah montana. but i have to say, listening to bella rehearse the words these last few weeks, has been encouraging. and not just for circumstances in our own family but will ring true at the Relay as well.

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,

Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you're gonna have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking

The pain I'm knowing
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on,

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith

love you, my friends. keep on keepin' on.