channeling erma bombeck

on a monday, i took a pregnancy test. all the symptoms have been there. and at the 2 minute mark, there it was, in a faint vertical line, marking the plus sign i was dreading/hoping for.

we painted the house. jason cut his foot. bella started back to school. i woke up on a wednesday morning with the sinus infection to beat all sinus infections.

on a sunday night, the floodgates of my uterus burst open with such fervor and searing pain, that i understood my daydreams of blue or pink were meant to be tucked away.and with classes starting the next day, i understood God has other plans.

i've been thinking alot lately, on the subject of love.

i'm new to, but loving the series, "the cleaner". we enjoyed Michael J Fox's "Adventures of an Incurable Optimist" last night, and i'm blown away by his joyous and persevering spirit. i loved it when he said "i think its about doing the next right thing. it doesn't have to be doing the next thing right."

i shared my willie story with my sister and she had a different take on the situation. she asked me, 'what if he had been just simply overwhelmed by someone showing him kindness and love, that he responded with a sort of unbridled gratitude.

well, something to that extent.

i think she has a point. its funny, i've not seen willie again since that day. and i wonder about him from time to time.

some days i feel far from accompished. and today, when i ache and hurt and have managed to move only from the bed to the couch, i look at everything i haven't done and that needs to be done, in my mind. but i forget sometimes, that that's ok. and that this too shall pass, and all of this that i do, matters. it counts.

with respect to a dear fellow blogger,i'd like to borrow an excerpt that really hit home the other day.

Often I allow myself to think that being at home with my children, reading to and with them, and going on short day trips with them doesn't count as much as...

I think that sitting poolside and watching them play in the pool doesn't count as much as ...

I think that cooking for them, even though I hate to cook, doesn't count as much as...

I think I don't count as much as... because I'm not earning a salary.

I think that I don't count as a good example of the real women, the strong women, the women who are good role models because those women don't earn master's degrees and then stay home with their kids for the next 15+ years.

I forget that reading and journaling and taking photos and telling our stories and welcoming friends to share our lives and praying and writing all count.

I forget that remembering those that I love in prayer and kind thoughts and moments of simple soul-deep connectedness, even when separated from them by hundreds or thousands of miles - I forget that it counts.

I forget that smiles and waves and "please" and "thank you" count.

I forget that responding to emails and phone calls and text messages counts.

I forget that me being me, failing and falling apart, strong and weak, loving and laughing out loud, weeping, growing, being defiant, being compliant, reaching out, reaching in, being silent, grateful, discontented, writing, not writing, cooking, not cooking, cleaning, not cleaning, teaching and not teaching - I forget that me living my life to the fullest, it counts. Big time.

Letting go of what is not kind or generous or thoughtful counts too. Choosing not to retaliate, not to criticize, not to engage in needless debate counts.Apologizing, forgiving, releasing old grudges count.Breathing, simply inhaling and exhaling, taking many long, slow breaths before responding, sometimes choosing silence, always seeking to foster calmness and welcome gentleness - it all counts.

I forget far too often that it all counts. Every single minute of it.

ahh. much better. relax. breathe.


ok. just in time for the 4th of july, i'm done with my hissy-fit. i promise. and hopefully i'll be around here a little more often.

i just have those moments from time to time when i need to project or i spontaneously combust.

it hasn't been all bad, this change in direction. its been rather nice, having jason around the house. we've learned to aggravate eachother in new and exciting ways, for one. job leads are few and far between. but i'm confident that God will see us through. He always does.

between weather and work not cooperating, we've yet to make a camping trip, but summer has just begun. we've spent time at the lake, enjoyed some much needed relaxation in the smokies, foundered ourselves on garden goodies.

thanks to both grandmothers, bella's had a wonderful experience, participating in the Girls, Inc day camp this summer, and we couldn't be more pleased. i strongly encourage anyone with young girls to look into this program in their community. its awesome.

i start cna classes this monday. although, a step down from my lpn, its a step in a good direction. and i'm excited for that.

and for those of you sweethearts that have subscribed to my facebook or tweets, thank you so very much for your support. every time i get a comment or message, its like a real honest-to-goodness hug. i love you all so much.

for the time being, however, i've deactivated those accounts. maybe its my own sense of down-sizing. but with working as much as i can and never fully grasping the applications, its just been a little too much for my mind to wrap around. this little blog has always been my breath of fresh air. and tho its good to try on new things, they don't always fit. 'think i just got a little too big for my britches for awhile and forgot that.

much love to you all over this holiday weekend. enjoy.

bitter breakfast

as a disclaimer:

i'm thankful, ever to thankful , that i live in the greatest country in the world. i subscribe to the idea that life is what you make of it and that the sky is most definately the limit. we are blessed.

i don't for one moment, believe i should have the audacity to complain.

and i don't lay blame on one president or one generation or group of people.

but on occasion, i'm just frustrated that our country has gotten to this point. and i'm frustrated that i can't figure out a way to make it better.

and some days are just a little harder than others.

Dear rich politicians and high mucky-mucks who have lost all sense of value in the world around them,

Today I was given the luxury of waiting in line 45 minutes to receive my paycheck and be granted the opportunity to participate in a health plan my company has decided so graciously to extend.

I was told that for a mere $362.97 per pay period......that works up to $725.94 a month......I may obtain coverage for myself and family.

Just to be clear, that would allow me $104/month, or $52 every two weeks, to contribute to my family's living needs.

Today, my husband also received all paperwork neccesary to prevent a lapse in medical coverage, after having been one of 150 employees laid off in the southeast region in May.

His letter reads as follows:

"The American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009 was designd to increase jobs, fund projects, offer tax relief and assist individuals who have become recently unemployed by subsidizing and reducing COBRA premiums. You are receiving this election notice because you experienced a loss of coverage."

I'd like to take the time to thank you. I can't tell you how comforting it is, to understand that for a mere $981.83 a month, we may continue our medical coverage. Just to be clear, this would allow Jason -$69.83 to contribute to his family's living needs, after unemployment checks that will end, as of December.

As I write this letter of thanks, I'm perusing the *Dynamic Details* 'zine that SDI, better known as Steel Dynamics Inc. sends out. Fascinating, in issue 21, an interview with chairman and CEO Keith Busse states that "The current global economic meltdown is deep and wide", but he believes SDI has a "bright future and that the company will be stronger for having endured adversity."

I do wish the best for SDI's future progress and investments. And I am certain that they sleep far easier, knowing they endure this adversity due to no longer having to shoulder the cost of employing the hundreds of workers they've laid off or fired in their last 4 downsizing sprees over the course of one year.

so where does it end? when does money and profit and bigger, better, faster take a backseat to life and the quality of it. some days, the promise a "brighter future" just seems a little bleak, in the here and now.

world keeps spinning 'round

the internet access around here kind of rolls in and out with the tide. and the time to spend when it is, isn't always so forthcoming. my updates become a little outdated.

i'm a little bleh tonite...can't sleep. just alot on my mind. maybe its indegestion.

all this new technology boggles my mind, and while a part of me wants to celebrate the new and exciting ways of communicating and staying in touch, there's a very real side that longs for the human connection that so often seems lacking anymore. we busy ourselves, filling our days with the business of busy-ness. and i just find it a little disheartening some days. the more i put myself out there, the more i find myself wanting to retreat.

and yet if i'm the pot, i can't very well call the kettle black. i enjoy my computer time, when available. i'm comfortably attached to my cell phone and that great invention called convenience. so where is my line drawn in the sand. if i don't facebook but i tweet....if i don't myspace but i blog....hmm.

i met a dear and kind old man at the park last week.

my daily routine had become abit discombobulated thru overtime and training requirements at work, and then settled into a somewhat stagnant state when actually given the opportunity. kind of like my blogging.

i was struggling with my 3 miles that morning. and i was rounding a curve, lost in thought when he called out, announcing he'd "made it".

i spent the next half hour, slowing my step to match his and listening to his story.

i'd love to put it into words, our exchange. hopefully, one day i will. he was dear. very dear. and his wisdom was great. yet he is lost. he feels alone in the world. resentful of past mistakes, uncertain of a future that is cloudy with time and age and angst and all the things that the world clutters up along our way, when we let it.

willie said he thinks of suicide often at this chapter in his life. i asked if thats really how he wants to close his page.

i told him i get discouraged with my weight and body image. he said what if God made you beautiful just the way you are.

he spoke of his wife, now estranged. his children and grandchildren.

i told him that happiness is something we have to chase after some days. and sometimes we find it in the strangest places.

he asked why i'd take the time to talk with a strange old man.

i told him that God doesn't make mistakes. that what we go thru, is for a purpose, even when we never understand. and knowing that doesn't neccesarily make it easier, just sometimes a little more bearable.

i told him he needed to know that despite his mistakes, he has lived a full life.

that he needs to know he's a good man.

he called me his angel.

and the next day, he was waiting, umbrella in hand, to walk with me again.

i came home that day, enchanted by our conversation, and repeated it, verbatim,to jason, who teared up at all the right places.

but my friends, it is here that our story derails. for if i'm an angel, gene simmons is a choir boy. and so i suppose it should come as no surprise, that halfway around the track, that fateful 2nd day, ol' willie decided to mack on the heavenly host and came at me with a wide open 78 year old tongue kiss and surprisingly spry speed.

i don't think they make a mouthwash for that.

i also think that horrific image is perhaps forever branded in my brain. not pleasant. not one bit. gets me riiiiiight here, really. every time.

ahhhhh, but this Gods' sense of humor in my life, as of late. describes it rather beautifully, really. He does like to wax poetic. what with jason laid off, the ongoing frustration in my work. with friendships and family and relationships and people and situations and just plain life, that gets to me when i let it...

eh. i guess knowing that God has a purpose and my best interest at heart, doesn't always make sense.... sometimes stings a little... some days i never understand, and that doesn't make it any easier. but some days, knowing that, does make it a little more bearable.

at any rate, i guess there's just one thing you can really surmise from all this.

jason perhaps summed it up best, when not doubled over, laughing.

thats right, baby. i've still got it.

9 years

you're beautiful, my little one.

happy birthday.