green soup

yesterday i got all of 1 hour of sleep. literally. today i was aiming for 5, but my brother in law showed up just in time to foil my plans. i woke up to the resident chihuahua's frantic barking and the b-i-l asking if i had anything to make a salad with.

ahh to be a young bachelor.... nevertheless, i never turn down the healthy pleadings of the youngsters in the world, so i dug out my salad fixin's and sent him on his way.

so as sleep appeared to be the elusive snipe, i decided to go grocery shopping instead. listen, i've been trying really hard to be intentional and purposeful with my health lately. i've gone off satans sweet , sweet nectar soda. i've started keeping a food journal...i looked up what my calorie intake needs to be and tho its like pulling teeth, i am keeping track of my calories. scouts honor, fingers crossed. no really, i've been good. except when my dad stopped to visit last weekend. anywhoos, i have this really awesome, allbeit far-fetched and semi-unattainable goal of losing 40 pounds in 4 1/2 months. in time for the family reunion. 10 pounds a month, right? it could happen. i could grow a tail too. its possible.

anyway.

my point is, i'm trying. and each day i do try is a good day. so i looked up this recipe for "green soup" the other day. its supposed to be awesome for you. and because you can make that puppy in bulk, i'm all for it, because "preparing" things is not really my forte. but if i can grab something up, now, that's a beautiful thing. supposedly, if you play your cards right, you can make up a batch that will last you 2 weeks and it falls under the *freezes beautifully* section as well.

score.

so they make this stuff look and sound so great. kirstie alley (whom i love)talks it up; says she drinks this every day. susan from the fat free vegan makes it sound scrumptious. and ol dr fuhrman makes it sound like a veritably miracle drug. its supposed to be good for all your vital organs and cleanse you out and, i don't know, probably do your laundry too. the point is, i'm positive we all should be eating this. its 2010, kids. and what if the mayans were right. 2012 is just around the corner....

am i right, i'm right.

so i told myself i could do this. and for this endeavor i'd have to pull out the big guns and walk away from the walmart into strange territory ~ an actual grocery chain. with produce i can't pronounce.

listen, its not that i'm entirely ignorant. i swear i've heard of alot of this stuff but its just not on my weekly grocery list, if you feel me. the truth is, i love fruits and vegetables. the normal ones.

so i looked at several recipes and variations of recipes for this little project and finally decided i'd make mine with the following:

kale or collard greens (whichever i could find first, without looking a)ignorant or b)suspicious
leeks
split peas
broccoli
mushrooms
onion
garlic
carrots
and a sweet potato. just for kicks and giggles. cuz all the cool kids say it makes it taste sweeter.

between you and me, the biggest reason i decided to go with this version is because i already had half of what i needed and therefore wouldn't go broke if this turned out to be several degrees of bad.

i've never actually held a leek before today. in my mind, i'd kind of imagined them to be a cross between a turnip and an eel. i really can't explain why, so its better you don't ask. to my surprise, they were somewhat normal looking. like an overgrown onion with a realllllly ridiculously long stalk of leaves out the top. as an aside, i don't recommend ever eating a piece of those leaves raw. bella and jason concur. yet i do recommend always googling how to use new vegetables. and preferably before you've already cut up the leaves and thrown them in the pot, because, really, why waste them....

from this lesson, lets move on to the collard greens.

now, i don't get greens. i get that they're healthy for you. obviously. but thats where it ends for me. they seem to be a staple in many the hardcore southerners diet, but to me they're just gross. a big heap of slimy green mush. and then they pour vinegar on to boot. and serve it with tasteless pinto beans and a big slab of cornbread. mm mmm good.

:shiver:

i love a good salad. spinach, for instance, is my dear good friend. but in its cooked form, its absolutely disgusting. unless you're adding it to dip or a lovely big fat quiche.

so i'm perusing the collards section, trying to make an informed decision on which would taste better in my concoction. i like to blame it on that fact that i got nervous. yah, lets go with that. i grabbed a bunch of what i assumed was kale, only to discover at home that it was actually turnip greens. but hey. its my first time. i'm allowed a silly mistake or 2. and greens are greens, right?

oh lord.

suffice it to say, i have this huge pot of *something* i'm staring at right now. its ummm, green. i'm not entirely sure it would be accurate to call it *tasty* or *something i'll definately make again*. but, here goes nothin....results pending

furniture and repairs

we had 4, nay 5 intentions for our taxes this year, provided the Lord was willing and the creek didn't rise.

1) begin to gently reestablish our (all but 42 cents) drained savings account
2) take our state tests
3) save money back for a trip to nebraska in july
4) save money back for a tentative First Major Family Vacation to DisneyWorld within the year
5) buy a couch

now don't go getting all excited. we don't exactly get back big green wads of cash. we're just prone to over-ambition coupled with what we're sure are really great ideas. to be serious for just a moment tho, if i may, i've been totally thankful to God and proud of us and how we've managed to save and really stay on the same page with finances since jason started back to work. during the lay-off, it was such a scary time for us. so tax season this year was a bright star in the midst of all that bad stuff.

its not that we need a couch. we don't have to have one. our very lives don't depend on it. i even weakly argued to jason that maybe it could be our *bonus* if he gets hired on permanent at the end of his 90 days. but i've been trying to budge my way out of the negative end of things and focus on the positive, and trusting that God is in control no matter what; definately praying jason will be hired on.

so the idea of such a wonderful, possibly new, squishy, comfortable place to relax our ample behinds on, was just too sweet a dream to not bring into fruition.

we've had our Big Lots' special going on 7 years now. and she's been a trooper. i still remember the day we brought her home, our very first couch. we triumphantly carried that beautiful green stick of dynamite in all by ourselves and it was as if i could hear the entire neighborhood cheering us on ~ way to go, byrds!! way to move up in the world. so long yard-sale futon, welcome to the lower middle class.

ahhhh the awesomeness of it all. so soft. so comfy. so tantalizing to a cats claws.

she's seen us thru alot, that one.

who can forget our anniversary a few years ago, when jason answered the cry for help from a drunk coworker who succumbed to her squishy goodness and slept so good that he peed all over it.

or the many, many times she's comforted one of us, sick, enveloping us in her loving cushions, jabbing us, just right there, with her broken springs.

and so it was, with bittersweet memories, that we began to search near and far, for a replacement.

it was love at first seating, really. recliners on both ends. soft, yet sturdy. reliable. family friendly fabric. where could you go wrong. we did everything right. by the book. we saved for it. we prayed over it. and last night,to our absolute joy, we discovered they still had it. i withdrew the exact amount we needed from our precious savings account. then i hyperventilated. then jason reminded me that we had set that aside and prayed about it. then i cried. then i found a used napkin to wipe my nose. then i threw back my shoulders and marched right on in there while jason backed up the trailer and i proudly handed over our precious couch money.

we were so excited.


today, we bid adieu to 7 years of memories as we dropped ol' faithful off at the landfill and we huffed and puffed and ooooomphed that beautiful new-to-us memory maker into our living room. we basked in the wonderfullness of it all. then bella packed an overnight bag, jason left to go fly-fishing and i packed up to come to work.

a few hours ago, my dear husband called to tell me he loved me. he followed this up with a "so which d'you want first. the good news or the bad news."

never fond of such phrases, i muted the phone and beat my head on the table. then i composed myself and said, "as long as it doesn't involve money in any possible way, shape or form, hit me with it. "

there was a pause.

and not just any pause, no. it was what i like to call a "pregnant pause" frought with meaning.

sensing my heart rate had gone from 0 to 60 in a near nano-second, jason plunged ahead. "well the good news is i made it over here. bad news is, looks like i may have a cracked......."

i don't really remember the rest. my mind blurs. i don't understand these *auto issue* things. its all greek to me. i blanked out somewhere between $300-500 to fix.

oi vey. i won't even start with all the shoulda woulda couldas dancing around in my mind tonite. i'm concerned, yes. and rightly so. but ya know what, i'm glad we got the couch, either way. this car thing will require dipping into that precious savings but thank God we have it, ya know? He makes all things good, doesn't He. i don't understand it all and its bound to set us back just a little more that we're comfortable with, but He's in control. and while i leave the hard stuff up to him, fully and completely handing it over, i'm gonna enjoy the heck outta that awesome couch.

snow days

bella was out of school today on yet another snow cancellation. ordinarily, this leaves room for all manner of fun and i'd have been excited at the opportunity for some extra*girl time*. but this morning, i trudged thru our routine soooo tired, and was kinda dissapointed when i learned i couldn't just join the drop-off line and then crawl back into bed. i just couldn't get it together, and every little thing made me cranky.

but by mid afternoon, with the snow fully melted, i'd calmed down and in a burst of new found energy, combined with a cautious hopefulness at the sunshine pouring in the windows, i announced that surely it'd be an awesome idea to go to the park and get some fresh air.

when we got there tho, it was bella's turn to be dissapointed. although quite a few others had had the same idea, unfortunately they hadn't brought the kids. so with noone to play with, she reluctantly joined me on my walk.

and every little thing made her cranky.

the wind had picked up and all that sunshine i'd been so inspired by did little to make it much warmer out there. she was "cold, yet didn't want to wear her toboggin." it wasn't "fair." she had "brought toys for nothing". she "hated walking". she "didn't want to pick up her feet; she was wearing her boots." her "ribs hurt" and her toe. and her right leg. she wanted to stop at the fish pond. "how many times did we have to walk around."

i finally snapped, "can't you just be happy?!" "can't you just walk with your mama and enjoy our time together, instead of whining and complaining?

to my surprise, she burst into tears and as i exhaled loudly in my exasperation, in that one moment, i saw myself. and how soooo often, i allow mysef to become so overwhelmed. and rather than take a deep breath and try....or trust.....or dig out my rusty faith badge, i lean towards the negative. and i put so much pressure on myself, and in turn, the closest ones around me. with ridiculous expectations.

and i needed to be reminded of that. i wonder how many times in exasperation, but yet with endless, unfaltering love, God says to me, "can't you just walk with your father and enjoy our time together,instead of whining and complaining...."

i sighed and put my arms around her and told her i was sorry and i loved her. that i'd thought it would be a good idea to get out of the house for a little while. but she was right ~ it was cold. maybe we'd just do this one lap. but maybe instead of thinking about the negative stuff, we could replace it with something good. maybe instead of focusing on her leg hurting, she could be thankful she had legs to walk. maybe instead of thinking how unfair it was she had to wear a toboggin, she could be thankful she had warm clothes to wear in the winter, when alot of people don't.

from there, we played our *5 things* game. 5 good things about the day. that she was thankful for.

she was thankful for a snow day. and brimley (our big old cat) sleeping on her bed while she watched "willy wonka". and that i had let her have a happy meal and an ice cream cone for lunch. and for her sleepover this weekend with her friend jessica. and that she got to go on a walk with me.

Lord, thank you for your unfailing love. and thank you for forgiveness, when i overlook all the positive...all the blessings...and tend to focus on the out-of-control stuff in my life.

thank you for going on this walk with me.

gravity

well you'll be pleased as punch to learn i've moved on since my late sunday night tirade and that no, i'm not holed up in bed, still leaking like a faucet and mourning my existence.

coincidentally, that particular entry was a product of the very first time i'd ever taken the laptop to work with me. since purging the home phone and modem that we could never use last week (thanks for the memories, Embarq) and going to the air-card, (God bless Sprint). all of a sudden the internet has become available. Whenever We Want It.

and friends, it is a beautiful and glorious and technicolor thing.

however, note to self, not so, at 3 am. at work. with too much time on my hands and in full-fledged melt-down mode.

next time, i intend to spend my energy dusting. or cleaning grout. or here's an idea. maaaaybe, i dunno, praying.

so last night, tossing and turning, searching in vain for sleep, i spent alot of time doing just that; praying. and doing plenty of thinking.

my weight and overall body image has been recently, pardon the pun, heavy on my mind. and i blame it for everything. my inability to get pregnant. the fact that i'm just not as into sex as my dear husband. or i catch a snippet of dr oz, talking about belly fat and diabetes and my brain just goes into overdrive, because i've lived in fear for so long that i might develop diabetes like my mom if i don't get myself straight. healthier.

echhh. if i could get my body to exercise as much as my brain? we'd be in an iron-man this summer.

everyone remember counselor ed? raise of hands. right. the dear, exasperating yet well intentioned therapist that jason and i went to for a period of time after the rape.

last night, i was remembering in morbid detail, the one particular session wherein he single-handedly crushed what just might have been left of my very fragile dignity and self-image. i was halfway through explaining how abandoned i'd felt by jason through the aftermath of what had happened, when ed switched gears and to jasons rescue and defense, questioned the *mother role* i played in our relationship.... what jason had been searching for. and why not. because i appear motherly, in all aspects. "soft and cushiony", i believe, were his exact words. and he wondered if my weight wasn't something i hid behind.

anyway. all this time later, i wonder if his somewhat lopsided "counseling" didn't have a little more to it, after all. because sometimes, i wonder if my outside hasn't just been representing all that heaviness my insides have been holding onto.

food for thought....

at any rate, God was awesome and made yesterday gorgeous and gave me the slightest hope for spring. so i celebrated by whisking bella off to the park after school and playing and taking a good long walk, which was delicious.

today, i tried on some of that loaded oatmeal that lorrie brags about. turns out, i'm a late bloomer on the oatmeal love too. bella, not so much a fan. but ya can't blame a mom for trying.

and then, i went back to my favorite park and walked 2 miles around the trails.

and it felt great.

happy tuesday.

kermit

his name makes me angry. it brings out feelings of such absolute rage and pain that i can't even begin to explain.

before now, i've always called him k.

but in the spirit of bitterness, and yet intent on healing,tonight, i say his name.

so many times, i've thought i'd moved past all "this". that i've forgiven. that i'm in a healthy place.

but i hear his name and it all comes back. the rape. the mangling of lives.

he and jason talked tonite. jason, spurred on by my anger and tears. kermit told him he's changed. he's had to "grow up and take care of his family". that he's trying to stop the lies. that he's had a porn addiction.

really.

3 years after the fact.

i think its all well and fine and great when people move on with their lives. get their stuff together. fix themselves. they've "got straight with God"

and its great, too, that they can hide behind a tagline like "addiction" and on their own, *poof* call themselves "better".

so now he's a recovering sex addict. right?

in the meantime, how do they ever make peace with what they've done.

or rather, how do i make peace with it.

how do i continue to shrug it off. and if this is the lot that i'm dealt, how do i live in the day to day, fighting my way thru all the depression and emotion and hurt and ugliness that's barely bottled up inside all that is me.

3 years. three. and its still just as fresh and painful.

and every time. EVERY TIME, i think i've given it to God, that its too much for me to bear, i find myself in this place.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this comes on the tail end of a letter i received from my paternal grandmother back in january. its taken me this long to respond. if ever i had to thank someone for my passive aggressive tendencies, mabel be her name; every letter of hers filled with how well off the rest of my family is, and how awful, for me, that i'm not like them.

i've not interacted with my birth dad in 10 years. a fact that i imagine to be sad, yet i feel nothing. mostly. truth be told, i feel alot more than i allow myself to dwell on. because, whats the point.

every year, i send a christmas card and a picture of my daughter. every year, i get no response.

this year, a month late, my grandmother, his mother, sent a letter and $50 for bella. she also enclosed a pictorama of their 60th anniversary celebration at the lake. bright photos of everyone on that side of my family. everyone but me. i was surprised i was even mentioned, in small print, towards the bottom.

but staring at those pictures, my father, 2 siblings i barely know, aunts and uncles, cousins now with children of their own, it was so painful.

i remember a time, long, long ago, when i had a "place" there with them. no, i never really fit in, they made sure of that. but i remember christmases and early morning fishing trips with my grandfather.

i remember alot of things....

so it took me until this last week to send a reply. i kept my letter light and airy, full of fluff and filler. and i jovially congratulated them on their festivities, mentioning only that with me being so far away, its easy to lose touch with so many of the family and they must've forgot to invite me, smiley face, but boy, did it look like they had fun!

and then i sent a letter to my birth dad. getting some things off my chest. simple. direct. to the point.

and i let it go.

or did i.

i'm in such an awkward place tonight. God has blessed my socks off lately. i've so much to be thankful....grateful for. happy about. but then these little things, they ease their way into my joy like tiny sand crystals filling in all the cracks. uncomfortable. and eventually, agonizing. torture.

my dad ~ my stepdad ~ has given me so much love. and thru his family, i always had a place to belong. i had a full childhood with so many good things. a sister. memories. an enormous extended family.

but there IS that hole that i can't explain, in the place of my biological dad. he doesn't want me. its entirely possible he never did. but that emptiness is there, still, after all these years. and all this time.

my marriage is in a stable place right now. but there is a hole there, filled with pain and hurt and mistrust and resentment. and try as i might to dig it out, get rid of it, it is there.

and kermit is there. my rape is there. how does that go away. fairly. justly.

my sister is pregnant. and friends, whom we've been tentatively planning a vacation with next year, giddily announced recently that they're expecting, by way of proudly showing off a pregnancy test, and smiling knowingly at eachother, saying that our trip might be on hiatus for awhile.

so i do what i always do. i gulped and plastered on a huge smile.

because i'm happy for them; my sister and friend. i am. i'm SO happy for them. over the MOON happy, even. and when we talk about baby things, its with genuine love and excitement and wishes and prayers for all the best things for them.

but inwardly, i cry. so hard and so long. because i've wanted and tried for another baby for so long and honestly, in my heart of hearts, feel its never going to happen for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

there are these moments when i feel so very horrible and inadequate. that i'm fat and insignificant and a hot mess and absolutely unstable. incapable. unloveable. and sometimes the pain from that is just so incredibly intense.

and while probably quite abit of all that is true, its also a blatant lie.

and i know that its just a moment.

and kermit, is just a name.

i want the men in my life...all of them, to love me and not hurt me so badly. i want them to own up to their mistakes. i want to understand why. i want to be held and taken care of. just once.

but i know God is taking care of me. even and especially when i don't feel those arms holding me.

i had a really good devotion tonight. my emotions have run the gauntlet and i have alot to think about. so i'll leave you with this:

February 21 - Nothing Can Hurt

The way is plain. You don't need to see far ahead. Just one step at a time with Me. The same light to guide you as the Hosts of Heaven know -- the Son of Righteousness Himself.

Only self can cast a shadow on the way. Be more afraid of your spirit-unrest, of soul-disturbance, of any ruffling of the Spirit, than of earthquake or fire or any outside forces.Because these are the only times when evil can find an entrance, and are keenly alert for one such unguarded spot, through which an arrow can pierce and do havoc.

When you feel the absolute calm has been broken -- come away alone with Me until your heart sings, and all is strong and calm.em>