off-days

this is me and my calorie book and the many, many scrumptious *no* opportunities today.

march madness

so the green soup isn't bad. really and truly isn't. next time, i do intend to explore the the collards section a little more carefully and mix it up a little. i think there's a whole world out there with greens that i really haven't explored. also, i may or may not use the leeks, tho if i do, i solemnly swear to leave the *leaves* out. haha.

anyway. for this, my first time, and at 121 calories a serving and chock full of rootin-tootin goodness, i label this success. its rustic and filling and packed with flavor. i have a serving once a day, usually in the afternoon as a snack and its growing on me. i look forward to that.

its funny how changing little things really does make a difference. even just in taste. yesterday i had to take one of our M.R. clients to a dr. appointment in knoxville and afterwards she chose mcdonalds to get a bite to eat. i could've, nay should have gone with a salad or fish sandwich but i revolted with both fists in the air and determined that i've been good and therefore should be REWARDED with fries and a mcdouble!! but as i ate my fries, they started to actually taste gross. and by the time i'd finished, i felt like a bloated cow. discovering that just those 2 things on my little splurge had cost me a whopping 770 calories to boot, made me all but melt into a saturated puddle of fat on the floor.

but today is another day. and i'm being careful and using my noggin'. i'm not being a nazi about my intake or my outake....would i love to lose that 40 pounds and then some, yes. i've set goals for myself but i'm not cutting myself off from everything deliciously *bad* in the world either. and some days, exercise and i just don't meet in the middle. this week for instance has been killer ~ i've had 1 day off in 9. and 12 hour shifts begin to wear on you. so i've been tired and stressed and haven't got my miles in, walking or hittin' the wii, but i'm shaking that off. because every day is a good day that i'm getting healthier.

jason and bella have been super awesome too. i decided when i embarked on this little journey that my biggest goal of all, whether i ever reach my *perfect weight* is just to ultimately strive to live healthier and happier. there are some things i want to be able to do and experience, that i can't right now, to the fullest of my ability. and i want to change that. i want to narrow my chances of heart disease and diabetes. i want to feel healthier. be more active. have more energy. and i want to take my family along with me for that ride, in a good way.

i think kids have enough stress just growing up, without all the extra bells and whistles and labels that are thrown at them these days. and i feel like i have a huge hit or miss opportunity right now, to make health fun for bella. so i want to include her; empower her with good and smart choices and a positive body image as i struggle to kinda get there myself. my hope is that she grows up avoiding some of my pitfalls, and that she grows up in that quiet confidence that is bold and beautiful and brave as she enters her own womanhood.

i love to cook. its that mothering, nurturing thing my sister and i both inherited. like our mom before us and all the other wonderful cooks that go back generations in our family tree. its one of the things i think i do best, and defines me on many levels. cooking makes me happy. i love to pour over recipes and try new concoctions. i love feeding people and i love that my home, and my kitchen, no matter how small, is an oasis for family and friends. so finding ways to *tweak* recipes has actually been really fun for me. butter has its exquisite place, for example. but olive oil has been a really neat new challenge for me too.

one thing i really love is a good old traditional, countrified, stick-to-your-ribs, soul-food kind of meal. one thing my family loves is meatloaf, and not to toot my own horn, but i make a killer meatloaf. usually piled high with mashed potatoes too. oi vey.

so last night, bella helped me create a new meatloaf, packed with garlic, onion, roasted tomatoes, carrots and mushrooms. and it turned out soooo good. i used half the meat i usually would, with all the other veggies thrown in, and instead of the mashed potatoes, we had roasted potatoes with green beans. it was healthy without knowing it. and it was scrumptious.

bella has started counting calories and servings along with me and its so funny to see her looking at labels and deciding on her afternoon snacks now. yesterday she came up with milk, an orange, a cheese wedge, some carrots, and a mini bag of m&m's. she'd arranged it on a plate all "top chef" like and proudly displayed her masterpiece

"275 calories of goodness, mama. booyah."

i got so tickled, because i feel like she gets it. and that maaaaybe i'm doing my job right. by showing her that you can cut back without cutting out and just being creative. which was my intention when i bought that bag of mini m&m packs, tho i never told her. i love chocolate. she does too. if i have a mini pack, it makes me feel like i got my fix, and its one-third the calories of a regular bag. so i can have something else with it which makes my subconscious feel like like a big happy fat buddha. and we all need to to feed those lil' suckers inside us...

so maybe i'll only lose 2 or 4 of those desired 10 pounds this month. but i'm doin' good. :)

green soup

yesterday i got all of 1 hour of sleep. literally. today i was aiming for 5, but my brother in law showed up just in time to foil my plans. i woke up to the resident chihuahua's frantic barking and the b-i-l asking if i had anything to make a salad with.

ahh to be a young bachelor.... nevertheless, i never turn down the healthy pleadings of the youngsters in the world, so i dug out my salad fixin's and sent him on his way.

so as sleep appeared to be the elusive snipe, i decided to go grocery shopping instead. listen, i've been trying really hard to be intentional and purposeful with my health lately. i've gone off satans sweet , sweet nectar soda. i've started keeping a food journal...i looked up what my calorie intake needs to be and tho its like pulling teeth, i am keeping track of my calories. scouts honor, fingers crossed. no really, i've been good. except when my dad stopped to visit last weekend. anywhoos, i have this really awesome, allbeit far-fetched and semi-unattainable goal of losing 40 pounds in 4 1/2 months. in time for the family reunion. 10 pounds a month, right? it could happen. i could grow a tail too. its possible.

anyway.

my point is, i'm trying. and each day i do try is a good day. so i looked up this recipe for "green soup" the other day. its supposed to be awesome for you. and because you can make that puppy in bulk, i'm all for it, because "preparing" things is not really my forte. but if i can grab something up, now, that's a beautiful thing. supposedly, if you play your cards right, you can make up a batch that will last you 2 weeks and it falls under the *freezes beautifully* section as well.

score.

so they make this stuff look and sound so great. kirstie alley (whom i love)talks it up; says she drinks this every day. susan from the fat free vegan makes it sound scrumptious. and ol dr fuhrman makes it sound like a veritably miracle drug. its supposed to be good for all your vital organs and cleanse you out and, i don't know, probably do your laundry too. the point is, i'm positive we all should be eating this. its 2010, kids. and what if the mayans were right. 2012 is just around the corner....

am i right, i'm right.

so i told myself i could do this. and for this endeavor i'd have to pull out the big guns and walk away from the walmart into strange territory ~ an actual grocery chain. with produce i can't pronounce.

listen, its not that i'm entirely ignorant. i swear i've heard of alot of this stuff but its just not on my weekly grocery list, if you feel me. the truth is, i love fruits and vegetables. the normal ones.

so i looked at several recipes and variations of recipes for this little project and finally decided i'd make mine with the following:

kale or collard greens (whichever i could find first, without looking a)ignorant or b)suspicious
leeks
split peas
broccoli
mushrooms
onion
garlic
carrots
and a sweet potato. just for kicks and giggles. cuz all the cool kids say it makes it taste sweeter.

between you and me, the biggest reason i decided to go with this version is because i already had half of what i needed and therefore wouldn't go broke if this turned out to be several degrees of bad.

i've never actually held a leek before today. in my mind, i'd kind of imagined them to be a cross between a turnip and an eel. i really can't explain why, so its better you don't ask. to my surprise, they were somewhat normal looking. like an overgrown onion with a realllllly ridiculously long stalk of leaves out the top. as an aside, i don't recommend ever eating a piece of those leaves raw. bella and jason concur. yet i do recommend always googling how to use new vegetables. and preferably before you've already cut up the leaves and thrown them in the pot, because, really, why waste them....

from this lesson, lets move on to the collard greens.

now, i don't get greens. i get that they're healthy for you. obviously. but thats where it ends for me. they seem to be a staple in many the hardcore southerners diet, but to me they're just gross. a big heap of slimy green mush. and then they pour vinegar on to boot. and serve it with tasteless pinto beans and a big slab of cornbread. mm mmm good.

:shiver:

i love a good salad. spinach, for instance, is my dear good friend. but in its cooked form, its absolutely disgusting. unless you're adding it to dip or a lovely big fat quiche.

so i'm perusing the collards section, trying to make an informed decision on which would taste better in my concoction. i like to blame it on that fact that i got nervous. yah, lets go with that. i grabbed a bunch of what i assumed was kale, only to discover at home that it was actually turnip greens. but hey. its my first time. i'm allowed a silly mistake or 2. and greens are greens, right?

oh lord.

suffice it to say, i have this huge pot of *something* i'm staring at right now. its ummm, green. i'm not entirely sure it would be accurate to call it *tasty* or *something i'll definately make again*. but, here goes nothin....results pending

furniture and repairs

we had 4, nay 5 intentions for our taxes this year, provided the Lord was willing and the creek didn't rise.

1) begin to gently reestablish our (all but 42 cents) drained savings account
2) take our state tests
3) save money back for a trip to nebraska in july
4) save money back for a tentative First Major Family Vacation to DisneyWorld within the year
5) buy a couch

now don't go getting all excited. we don't exactly get back big green wads of cash. we're just prone to over-ambition coupled with what we're sure are really great ideas. to be serious for just a moment tho, if i may, i've been totally thankful to God and proud of us and how we've managed to save and really stay on the same page with finances since jason started back to work. during the lay-off, it was such a scary time for us. so tax season this year was a bright star in the midst of all that bad stuff.

its not that we need a couch. we don't have to have one. our very lives don't depend on it. i even weakly argued to jason that maybe it could be our *bonus* if he gets hired on permanent at the end of his 90 days. but i've been trying to budge my way out of the negative end of things and focus on the positive, and trusting that God is in control no matter what; definately praying jason will be hired on.

so the idea of such a wonderful, possibly new, squishy, comfortable place to relax our ample behinds on, was just too sweet a dream to not bring into fruition.

we've had our Big Lots' special going on 7 years now. and she's been a trooper. i still remember the day we brought her home, our very first couch. we triumphantly carried that beautiful green stick of dynamite in all by ourselves and it was as if i could hear the entire neighborhood cheering us on ~ way to go, byrds!! way to move up in the world. so long yard-sale futon, welcome to the lower middle class.

ahhhh the awesomeness of it all. so soft. so comfy. so tantalizing to a cats claws.

she's seen us thru alot, that one.

who can forget our anniversary a few years ago, when jason answered the cry for help from a drunk coworker who succumbed to her squishy goodness and slept so good that he peed all over it.

or the many, many times she's comforted one of us, sick, enveloping us in her loving cushions, jabbing us, just right there, with her broken springs.

and so it was, with bittersweet memories, that we began to search near and far, for a replacement.

it was love at first seating, really. recliners on both ends. soft, yet sturdy. reliable. family friendly fabric. where could you go wrong. we did everything right. by the book. we saved for it. we prayed over it. and last night,to our absolute joy, we discovered they still had it. i withdrew the exact amount we needed from our precious savings account. then i hyperventilated. then jason reminded me that we had set that aside and prayed about it. then i cried. then i found a used napkin to wipe my nose. then i threw back my shoulders and marched right on in there while jason backed up the trailer and i proudly handed over our precious couch money.

we were so excited.


today, we bid adieu to 7 years of memories as we dropped ol' faithful off at the landfill and we huffed and puffed and ooooomphed that beautiful new-to-us memory maker into our living room. we basked in the wonderfullness of it all. then bella packed an overnight bag, jason left to go fly-fishing and i packed up to come to work.

a few hours ago, my dear husband called to tell me he loved me. he followed this up with a "so which d'you want first. the good news or the bad news."

never fond of such phrases, i muted the phone and beat my head on the table. then i composed myself and said, "as long as it doesn't involve money in any possible way, shape or form, hit me with it. "

there was a pause.

and not just any pause, no. it was what i like to call a "pregnant pause" frought with meaning.

sensing my heart rate had gone from 0 to 60 in a near nano-second, jason plunged ahead. "well the good news is i made it over here. bad news is, looks like i may have a cracked......."

i don't really remember the rest. my mind blurs. i don't understand these *auto issue* things. its all greek to me. i blanked out somewhere between $300-500 to fix.

oi vey. i won't even start with all the shoulda woulda couldas dancing around in my mind tonite. i'm concerned, yes. and rightly so. but ya know what, i'm glad we got the couch, either way. this car thing will require dipping into that precious savings but thank God we have it, ya know? He makes all things good, doesn't He. i don't understand it all and its bound to set us back just a little more that we're comfortable with, but He's in control. and while i leave the hard stuff up to him, fully and completely handing it over, i'm gonna enjoy the heck outta that awesome couch.

snow days

bella was out of school today on yet another snow cancellation. ordinarily, this leaves room for all manner of fun and i'd have been excited at the opportunity for some extra*girl time*. but this morning, i trudged thru our routine soooo tired, and was kinda dissapointed when i learned i couldn't just join the drop-off line and then crawl back into bed. i just couldn't get it together, and every little thing made me cranky.

but by mid afternoon, with the snow fully melted, i'd calmed down and in a burst of new found energy, combined with a cautious hopefulness at the sunshine pouring in the windows, i announced that surely it'd be an awesome idea to go to the park and get some fresh air.

when we got there tho, it was bella's turn to be dissapointed. although quite a few others had had the same idea, unfortunately they hadn't brought the kids. so with noone to play with, she reluctantly joined me on my walk.

and every little thing made her cranky.

the wind had picked up and all that sunshine i'd been so inspired by did little to make it much warmer out there. she was "cold, yet didn't want to wear her toboggin." it wasn't "fair." she had "brought toys for nothing". she "hated walking". she "didn't want to pick up her feet; she was wearing her boots." her "ribs hurt" and her toe. and her right leg. she wanted to stop at the fish pond. "how many times did we have to walk around."

i finally snapped, "can't you just be happy?!" "can't you just walk with your mama and enjoy our time together, instead of whining and complaining?

to my surprise, she burst into tears and as i exhaled loudly in my exasperation, in that one moment, i saw myself. and how soooo often, i allow mysef to become so overwhelmed. and rather than take a deep breath and try....or trust.....or dig out my rusty faith badge, i lean towards the negative. and i put so much pressure on myself, and in turn, the closest ones around me. with ridiculous expectations.

and i needed to be reminded of that. i wonder how many times in exasperation, but yet with endless, unfaltering love, God says to me, "can't you just walk with your father and enjoy our time together,instead of whining and complaining...."

i sighed and put my arms around her and told her i was sorry and i loved her. that i'd thought it would be a good idea to get out of the house for a little while. but she was right ~ it was cold. maybe we'd just do this one lap. but maybe instead of thinking about the negative stuff, we could replace it with something good. maybe instead of focusing on her leg hurting, she could be thankful she had legs to walk. maybe instead of thinking how unfair it was she had to wear a toboggin, she could be thankful she had warm clothes to wear in the winter, when alot of people don't.

from there, we played our *5 things* game. 5 good things about the day. that she was thankful for.

she was thankful for a snow day. and brimley (our big old cat) sleeping on her bed while she watched "willy wonka". and that i had let her have a happy meal and an ice cream cone for lunch. and for her sleepover this weekend with her friend jessica. and that she got to go on a walk with me.

Lord, thank you for your unfailing love. and thank you for forgiveness, when i overlook all the positive...all the blessings...and tend to focus on the out-of-control stuff in my life.

thank you for going on this walk with me.