the internet access around here kind of rolls in and out with the tide. and the time to spend when it is, isn't always so forthcoming. my updates become a little outdated.
i'm a little bleh tonite...can't sleep. just alot on my mind. maybe its indegestion.
all this new technology boggles my mind, and while a part of me wants to celebrate the new and exciting ways of communicating and staying in touch, there's a very real side that longs for the human connection that so often seems lacking anymore. we busy ourselves, filling our days with the business of busy-ness. and i just find it a little disheartening some days. the more i put myself out there, the more i find myself wanting to retreat.
and yet if i'm the pot, i can't very well call the kettle black. i enjoy my computer time, when available. i'm comfortably attached to my cell phone and that great invention called convenience. so where is my line drawn in the sand. if i don't facebook but i tweet....if i don't myspace but i blog....hmm.
i met a dear and kind old man at the park last week.
my daily routine had become abit discombobulated thru overtime and training requirements at work, and then settled into a somewhat stagnant state when actually given the opportunity. kind of like my blogging.
i was struggling with my 3 miles that morning. and i was rounding a curve, lost in thought when he called out, announcing he'd "made it".
i spent the next half hour, slowing my step to match his and listening to his story.
i'd love to put it into words, our exchange. hopefully, one day i will. he was dear. very dear. and his wisdom was great. yet he is lost. he feels alone in the world. resentful of past mistakes, uncertain of a future that is cloudy with time and age and angst and all the things that the world clutters up along our way, when we let it.
willie said he thinks of suicide often at this chapter in his life. i asked if thats really how he wants to close his page.
i told him i get discouraged with my weight and body image. he said what if God made you beautiful just the way you are.
he spoke of his wife, now estranged. his children and grandchildren.
i told him that happiness is something we have to chase after some days. and sometimes we find it in the strangest places.
he asked why i'd take the time to talk with a strange old man.
i told him that God doesn't make mistakes. that what we go thru, is for a purpose, even when we never understand. and knowing that doesn't neccesarily make it easier, just sometimes a little more bearable.
i told him he needed to know that despite his mistakes, he has lived a full life.
that he needs to know he's a good man.
he called me his angel.
and the next day, he was waiting, umbrella in hand, to walk with me again.
i came home that day, enchanted by our conversation, and repeated it, verbatim,to jason, who teared up at all the right places.
but my friends, it is here that our story derails. for if i'm an angel, gene simmons is a choir boy. and so i suppose it should come as no surprise, that halfway around the track, that fateful 2nd day, ol' willie decided to mack on the heavenly host and came at me with a wide open 78 year old tongue kiss and surprisingly spry speed.
i don't think they make a mouthwash for that.
i also think that horrific image is perhaps forever branded in my brain. not pleasant. not one bit. gets me riiiiiight here, really. every time.
ahhhhh, but this Gods' sense of humor in my life, as of late. describes it rather beautifully, really. He does like to wax poetic. what with jason laid off, the ongoing frustration in my work. with friendships and family and relationships and people and situations and just plain life, that gets to me when i let it...
eh. i guess knowing that God has a purpose and my best interest at heart, doesn't always make sense.... sometimes stings a little... some days i never understand, and that doesn't make it any easier. but some days, knowing that, does make it a little more bearable.
at any rate, i guess there's just one thing you can really surmise from all this.
jason perhaps summed it up best, when not doubled over, laughing.
thats right, baby. i've still got it.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
a new day
when bella was in kindergarten, she came home in tears one day, over a classmate being mean. i held her on my lap and asked her to tell me 5 things about that day that had made her happy, and by the end of that conversation she was giggling.
its something we've continued to do on a daily basis and it really changes the way you look at things. before she goes to bed each night, we each write down 5 things in a journal. blessings, accomplishments, etc...and it resets your focus. even when a day has seemed nothing but horrible. even when circumstances are hard and you don't have all the answers.
it makes you appreciate the love and beauty already in your life. it helps you value your own efforts and self worth. 'reminds you to lighten up and breathe.
i feel so genuinely, that life's too short not to be happy. not to dream and make your mark, write your story.
last year, around this time, i began actively considering going back to school.
i was in superhero mode...in my "i can do anything by myself" zone. something that, unfortunately, i revert to often. chaos tends to be my security blanket of sorts.and it gets me nowhere. least of all, secure.
with every step of this process, i took a deep breath and plunged right in. and each time, i surprised myself by succeeding. I passed my entrance exam. i filed for federal grants. i studied my terms. i scheduled physicals and shots and attended orientation and assessments.
this past year has been a monumental one for me. i could never accurately put it all into words. but in many ways, i've been rediscovering myself. and the closer i've come to *d* day, i've felt more and more unsure. its normal to have anxiety. but this has been different.
i could think of a dozen good reasons i needed to be on that campus, may 4th. to better our lives. for the money. the job security. to follow through with something. to prove to myself i have it in me. and when may 4th rolled around, i could think of an equal dozen good reasons why now is not the right time for me.
because getting myself, and my life back, is infinitely more important than any career choice i make right now.
the past few years have been gut-wrenchingly hard. and i've struggled....really struggled with who i am and the woman i've felt i'm supposed to be. And i've fallen short of the target, with pre conceived notions of who and what i felt i needed to be and represent to everyone else around me.
one thing i know...i'm one stubborn broad.
there are qualities i want to posess as a woman. and with those, i want most, to have balance and joy in my life. i want gentle strength. i want to set goals and surpass them. i want an inner beauty that shines straight through.i want a life fully lived. i want to be a good wife, mom, sister, daughter, friend.
but instead of actively pursuing that goal, i've worn a badge of hurt and anger. for a really long time. and i got lost along the way. i think part of any journey in rediscovering your happiness and purpose gets toughest when the road veers off onto crooked and gnarled trails. You get so caught up in the idea of you, that you forget where you put your spirit on hold. and rather than figure that out, you run in 10 different directions, bound and detrrmined to really prove something to everyone but yourself.
that happiness...that joy and balance, is what i'm after. Thats what my family needs. Its what i need. right now that feels like baby steps. but we all have to walk before we run.
if school is my decision down the road, it will be when the time is right. and not because i feel like i need to prove something to anyone but myself. or because i feel i need to provide the backup plan when i feel like everyone and everything else has failed. it will be right.
on tuesday, may 26th, jason and i celebrated our 9th anniversary.
on our 9th anniversary, jason was laid off from work. bella came home with a note from her friend austin. he wrote the following:
bella, thank you for being my friend. my mom died. i miss her SO much and i cry every day when noone can see. i hate it when people make fun of me. i miss her. i wish i could talk to her. the reason she died is she overdosed on medicine. you're my best friend.
this week has been busy with schedule changes and abrupt life changes. the last of the year *hurry and scurry*. field days and field trips, talent contests, science fairs, camp registration and the like.
its alot to process.
unprecedented, worst in 50 years, crises of epic proportion, seismic, unthinkable, catastrophic, meltdown. These are just some of the words being used to describe our economic times. Some of these words ring a little too close to home, here recently. and i'm reminded of a verse in psalms: "Neither do I concern myself with great matters, or with things too profound for me." Psalm 131:2
where my treasure is, there will my heart be also.
i'm happy. blessed, even.
my family is healthy.
i hate that danny was voted off american idol.
i'm nerdily ecstatic that the new season of "so you think you can dance" has begun.
my tomatoes are growing beautifully.
this saturday, may 30th, we'll be participating in Relay For Life at the Bristol Motor Speedway, with Team Smitty 2
We're so excited for the opportunity to join good friends in this opportunity to celebrate, remember and fight back.
any contribution you'd feel comfortable in submitting will help a life.
bella has chosen to sing *the climb* in the childrens talent portion.
'never been a big fan of hannah montana. but i have to say, listening to bella rehearse the words these last few weeks, has been encouraging. and not just for circumstances in our own family but will ring true at the Relay as well.
I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you're gonna have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
The pain I'm knowing
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on,
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith
love you, my friends. keep on keepin' on.
its something we've continued to do on a daily basis and it really changes the way you look at things. before she goes to bed each night, we each write down 5 things in a journal. blessings, accomplishments, etc...and it resets your focus. even when a day has seemed nothing but horrible. even when circumstances are hard and you don't have all the answers.
it makes you appreciate the love and beauty already in your life. it helps you value your own efforts and self worth. 'reminds you to lighten up and breathe.
i feel so genuinely, that life's too short not to be happy. not to dream and make your mark, write your story.
last year, around this time, i began actively considering going back to school.
i was in superhero mode...in my "i can do anything by myself" zone. something that, unfortunately, i revert to often. chaos tends to be my security blanket of sorts.and it gets me nowhere. least of all, secure.
with every step of this process, i took a deep breath and plunged right in. and each time, i surprised myself by succeeding. I passed my entrance exam. i filed for federal grants. i studied my terms. i scheduled physicals and shots and attended orientation and assessments.
this past year has been a monumental one for me. i could never accurately put it all into words. but in many ways, i've been rediscovering myself. and the closer i've come to *d* day, i've felt more and more unsure. its normal to have anxiety. but this has been different.
i could think of a dozen good reasons i needed to be on that campus, may 4th. to better our lives. for the money. the job security. to follow through with something. to prove to myself i have it in me. and when may 4th rolled around, i could think of an equal dozen good reasons why now is not the right time for me.
because getting myself, and my life back, is infinitely more important than any career choice i make right now.
the past few years have been gut-wrenchingly hard. and i've struggled....really struggled with who i am and the woman i've felt i'm supposed to be. And i've fallen short of the target, with pre conceived notions of who and what i felt i needed to be and represent to everyone else around me.
one thing i know...i'm one stubborn broad.
there are qualities i want to posess as a woman. and with those, i want most, to have balance and joy in my life. i want gentle strength. i want to set goals and surpass them. i want an inner beauty that shines straight through.i want a life fully lived. i want to be a good wife, mom, sister, daughter, friend.
but instead of actively pursuing that goal, i've worn a badge of hurt and anger. for a really long time. and i got lost along the way. i think part of any journey in rediscovering your happiness and purpose gets toughest when the road veers off onto crooked and gnarled trails. You get so caught up in the idea of you, that you forget where you put your spirit on hold. and rather than figure that out, you run in 10 different directions, bound and detrrmined to really prove something to everyone but yourself.
that happiness...that joy and balance, is what i'm after. Thats what my family needs. Its what i need. right now that feels like baby steps. but we all have to walk before we run.
if school is my decision down the road, it will be when the time is right. and not because i feel like i need to prove something to anyone but myself. or because i feel i need to provide the backup plan when i feel like everyone and everything else has failed. it will be right.
on tuesday, may 26th, jason and i celebrated our 9th anniversary.
on our 9th anniversary, jason was laid off from work. bella came home with a note from her friend austin. he wrote the following:
bella, thank you for being my friend. my mom died. i miss her SO much and i cry every day when noone can see. i hate it when people make fun of me. i miss her. i wish i could talk to her. the reason she died is she overdosed on medicine. you're my best friend.
this week has been busy with schedule changes and abrupt life changes. the last of the year *hurry and scurry*. field days and field trips, talent contests, science fairs, camp registration and the like.
its alot to process.
unprecedented, worst in 50 years, crises of epic proportion, seismic, unthinkable, catastrophic, meltdown. These are just some of the words being used to describe our economic times. Some of these words ring a little too close to home, here recently. and i'm reminded of a verse in psalms: "Neither do I concern myself with great matters, or with things too profound for me." Psalm 131:2
where my treasure is, there will my heart be also.
i'm happy. blessed, even.
my family is healthy.
i hate that danny was voted off american idol.
i'm nerdily ecstatic that the new season of "so you think you can dance" has begun.
my tomatoes are growing beautifully.
this saturday, may 30th, we'll be participating in Relay For Life at the Bristol Motor Speedway, with Team Smitty 2
We're so excited for the opportunity to join good friends in this opportunity to celebrate, remember and fight back.
any contribution you'd feel comfortable in submitting will help a life.
bella has chosen to sing *the climb* in the childrens talent portion.
'never been a big fan of hannah montana. but i have to say, listening to bella rehearse the words these last few weeks, has been encouraging. and not just for circumstances in our own family but will ring true at the Relay as well.
I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you're gonna have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
The pain I'm knowing
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on,
There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith
love you, my friends. keep on keepin' on.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
of taking leaps
i can think of a dozen good reasons that i should step into a classroom next monday morning. to better our lives. for the money. the job security. to follow through with something. to prove to myself i have it in me.
and i can think of an equal dozen good reasons why now is not the right time for me.
i broke down in tears with my sister on the phone yesterday. i'd just received gut wrenching news that i may not be able to attend bella's spring concert. not because of anything in my control, but because of a manager at work that has determined to stick like a thorn in my side. she's known about this event for weeks and yet scheduled me to train new staff on that particular day.
some days, i lose all hope in humanity and kindness and goodness in this world.
i think to myself that whatever love and determination i've put into this work that i do, is, in all honesty, pointless at the end of the day. tenure matters not, without a degree or lips pursed just so, to kiss the right bum at the right time.
and i think to myself that i don't want this job forever....this place that dictates how and if and when i spend my life.
so i bide my time. i bite my tongue behind closed lips. i look the other way when they abuse the system. i show up for work and do my job for the day. and at the end, i go home.
but i take it with me.
for a myriad of different reasons, i'm going thru such a difficult and conflicting time in my life. i'm aware that i need to take a step, yet i stand paralyzed, not willing to pick a direction. i'm so afraid of falling. of not having the stamina and the courage and the smarts to pull myself out.
i don't feel that backing. that go ahead. but i know i can't stand still.
its all i have done.
jason and i got into a heated argument over his lunch break. ever like his father, its easier to be stubborn and be quiet when words are needed. tho when he does voice his opinion on this matter, its not what i want to hear.
its a hard day, all around. please pray for me.
and i can think of an equal dozen good reasons why now is not the right time for me.
i broke down in tears with my sister on the phone yesterday. i'd just received gut wrenching news that i may not be able to attend bella's spring concert. not because of anything in my control, but because of a manager at work that has determined to stick like a thorn in my side. she's known about this event for weeks and yet scheduled me to train new staff on that particular day.
some days, i lose all hope in humanity and kindness and goodness in this world.
i think to myself that whatever love and determination i've put into this work that i do, is, in all honesty, pointless at the end of the day. tenure matters not, without a degree or lips pursed just so, to kiss the right bum at the right time.
and i think to myself that i don't want this job forever....this place that dictates how and if and when i spend my life.
so i bide my time. i bite my tongue behind closed lips. i look the other way when they abuse the system. i show up for work and do my job for the day. and at the end, i go home.
but i take it with me.
for a myriad of different reasons, i'm going thru such a difficult and conflicting time in my life. i'm aware that i need to take a step, yet i stand paralyzed, not willing to pick a direction. i'm so afraid of falling. of not having the stamina and the courage and the smarts to pull myself out.
i don't feel that backing. that go ahead. but i know i can't stand still.
its all i have done.
jason and i got into a heated argument over his lunch break. ever like his father, its easier to be stubborn and be quiet when words are needed. tho when he does voice his opinion on this matter, its not what i want to hear.
its a hard day, all around. please pray for me.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
30 days
they say it takes 30 days to really get a feel for something. 30 days to develop new habits. 30 days to break an old one.
i'm inching my way closer to my own personal 30 day mark. awhile back, i started walking in the mornings. and i'm proud to say i've kept at it. oh, i've thought about it...talked about it...even attempted it a few times. by myself, with friends. but it always fizzles out, for one reason or another. once upon a time i was even hitting the gym. but its been a long while.
we fancy ourselves active. we love the outdoors and getting out and doing things. we work hard and play hard. but more often than not, we find ourselves stuck in a sort of sedantary lifestyle. and i, for one, don't want that. i feel tired and old when i should feel vibrant and healthy. i want to live my life. and experience it to the fullest. i want to instill that in our daughter. i want to inspire my husband.
my weight and subsequent body image has fluctuated up and down since childhood, really. i'm the first one to point out your beauty, yet have no problem downplaying my own. for the most part, i had a well-adjusted childhood... i went thru growth spurts and puberty like everyone else, save for some extra curves upstairs, thanks to genetics. there are plenty of things i like about me, but i can't say that i've always loved myself. i think thats a work in progress.
as a woman in my 30's, in many ways, i feel like i'm just officially coming into my own. and with that said, it gets harder, blaming the "baby belly" on your nearly 9 year old.
one morning, i woke up and just felt like it was time. that time is sometimes all we have. and that its of the essence because we just have this one time to make a difference. and i think this is one of the first things i've really done for just me, in a really long time. sore muscles aside, its become this sort of joyful part to my day. each morning, i drop bella at school and head for the park. i do my stretches, plug in my earphones and hit the pavement.
i won't lie and say its been easy. in the beginning, it was plain hard. strangely enough, because the hardest lesson hasn't been in pacing myself but in allowing myself to commit to the moment. instead of my usual *hands in 10 different pots*, i'm focusing on me. and in doing so, i'm focusing on God, too.
i'm in transition zone. i couldn't, in all honesty, tell you i've *met my stride*. some days are downright dissapointing. discouraging all around. i've had headaches and nausea and cramps and a host of other maladies. there are the regulars that continue to run circles around me. but each day that i get up and go, is another day that i've met my goal. each extra step or exercise i incorporate, beats my own personal best. and that makes me happy. i feel my clothes just a little looser, my legs just a little stronger, my shoulders squared just a little more.
yesterday, i was so proud of myself for making it around the track 4 times the hard way ~ uhpill. i'd done step-ups on the brick wall in between and was jamming to my tunes, as i hit a slow descent on the trail. one quick combination of not paying attention and hitting a pothole, landed me on 2 very sore, very bloody knees. and i sat there for a few moments, catching my breath and wiping away tears with 2 blood-stained hands, finding irony in the song playing at that exact moment by tenth avenue north. in particular, the line: "i'll be by your side wherever you fall".
i can't pinpoint any one thing that's made a difference or sparked a little something in my spirit. more like a handful of circumstances, lately, that have made me very introspective. jasons' dad's near death experience that landed him in the hospital for nearly a week over easter. the continuing stress with my job and my decision on going back to school just now. the computer - my outlet- going down. jason having a major sa relapse and how truly devastated that's made me. candace, calling again. after all this time.
at a time when ordinarily i'd want to be rescued, i find myself really seeking me out. asking God to change me first. instead of resenting my strength, wanting to embrace that strength and gain more, with His help.
and none of that has been easy.
i've been really sad for a really long time. and i want, more than anything, some balance and rest.
i'm inching my way closer to my own personal 30 day mark. awhile back, i started walking in the mornings. and i'm proud to say i've kept at it. oh, i've thought about it...talked about it...even attempted it a few times. by myself, with friends. but it always fizzles out, for one reason or another. once upon a time i was even hitting the gym. but its been a long while.
we fancy ourselves active. we love the outdoors and getting out and doing things. we work hard and play hard. but more often than not, we find ourselves stuck in a sort of sedantary lifestyle. and i, for one, don't want that. i feel tired and old when i should feel vibrant and healthy. i want to live my life. and experience it to the fullest. i want to instill that in our daughter. i want to inspire my husband.
my weight and subsequent body image has fluctuated up and down since childhood, really. i'm the first one to point out your beauty, yet have no problem downplaying my own. for the most part, i had a well-adjusted childhood... i went thru growth spurts and puberty like everyone else, save for some extra curves upstairs, thanks to genetics. there are plenty of things i like about me, but i can't say that i've always loved myself. i think thats a work in progress.
as a woman in my 30's, in many ways, i feel like i'm just officially coming into my own. and with that said, it gets harder, blaming the "baby belly" on your nearly 9 year old.
one morning, i woke up and just felt like it was time. that time is sometimes all we have. and that its of the essence because we just have this one time to make a difference. and i think this is one of the first things i've really done for just me, in a really long time. sore muscles aside, its become this sort of joyful part to my day. each morning, i drop bella at school and head for the park. i do my stretches, plug in my earphones and hit the pavement.
i won't lie and say its been easy. in the beginning, it was plain hard. strangely enough, because the hardest lesson hasn't been in pacing myself but in allowing myself to commit to the moment. instead of my usual *hands in 10 different pots*, i'm focusing on me. and in doing so, i'm focusing on God, too.
i'm in transition zone. i couldn't, in all honesty, tell you i've *met my stride*. some days are downright dissapointing. discouraging all around. i've had headaches and nausea and cramps and a host of other maladies. there are the regulars that continue to run circles around me. but each day that i get up and go, is another day that i've met my goal. each extra step or exercise i incorporate, beats my own personal best. and that makes me happy. i feel my clothes just a little looser, my legs just a little stronger, my shoulders squared just a little more.
yesterday, i was so proud of myself for making it around the track 4 times the hard way ~ uhpill. i'd done step-ups on the brick wall in between and was jamming to my tunes, as i hit a slow descent on the trail. one quick combination of not paying attention and hitting a pothole, landed me on 2 very sore, very bloody knees. and i sat there for a few moments, catching my breath and wiping away tears with 2 blood-stained hands, finding irony in the song playing at that exact moment by tenth avenue north. in particular, the line: "i'll be by your side wherever you fall".
i can't pinpoint any one thing that's made a difference or sparked a little something in my spirit. more like a handful of circumstances, lately, that have made me very introspective. jasons' dad's near death experience that landed him in the hospital for nearly a week over easter. the continuing stress with my job and my decision on going back to school just now. the computer - my outlet- going down. jason having a major sa relapse and how truly devastated that's made me. candace, calling again. after all this time.
at a time when ordinarily i'd want to be rescued, i find myself really seeking me out. asking God to change me first. instead of resenting my strength, wanting to embrace that strength and gain more, with His help.
and none of that has been easy.
i've been really sad for a really long time. and i want, more than anything, some balance and rest.
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