after a fitful sleep last night, i got up this morning with purpose anew. i decided to earnestly and faithfully begin my daily immuno supplements again and as i've been lax to eat breakfast as of late, i had some leftovers arby's sandwich, courtesy of melissa last night. i thought briefly about going for a walk but then decided i'd walk with shelley tonite instead.
i love corned beef and sauerkraut. if i'm lucky, i get myself a sandwich on st. patricks day, once a year, just for the sake of celebrating, since noone else in my adopted TN home seems to share my pallet. melissa knows this and brought us all supper as a thank you for watching autumn for her; my sandwich was a reuben.
it made me feel instantly chagrined at my earlier aggravation with the whole babysitting and not getting to spend quality time as friends 'thing' ,and it was a 2 fold blessing, because after the day yesterday had turned out to be, i was in no mood to fire up the wok and start stir-frying anything.
and anyway. how cute is this?
christy never did come back last night and when i peeked in bella's room, i noticed a candle had been burning all night. i went to blow it out and discovered she'd lit it in front of her mothers obituary card. i sat down for a moment and prayed. 'wondered if our standards had been too high. reading the tiny funeral card, i realized its that very thing that makes me know she hasn't let go of the past. hasn't begun to heal for the present life she lives.
i wondered briefly at the whole "no one left behind" phenomenon. i realize i'm taking that a little morbidly out of context when the basis of that is founded on no child being left behind in school, but anyway. if i'd been on the ark and she came running, i'd have let her on with her animals. then again, if there had to be a choice between her or her animals, i'd have had to pick her.
the truth is, sometimes good work is dirty work, right? maybe we should've just dropped that rule this one time for the sake of her comfort...who cares if her dog poops or pees in bellas room or marks it up or chews one of her favorite toys. well, the truth is, I care. we care. and maybe i'm a long ways off from graduating from grace academy with honors...maybe i need to take this semester over again, but this is where i'm at. what would that say to bella. that rules have exceptions? that we don't care about her space and value her special things? that grownups can do whatever they want with no consequence....?
i think, in all humbleness, God allowed that question to be answered for me today. and in more ways than one.
because this week has been so chaotic, i actually chose, after breakfast, to lay back down for awhile. naps are few and far between around here, so i basked in the cool breeze coming in from the window and being able to stretch out. for a blissful 3 hours, i slept.
when i got up, i called to talk with jason on his lunch break and right after, christy called. she said hello and was quiet. i asked, "what's up, my girl."
she said she needed to go last night. she needed to take her cat and dog and go back to where she could sleep with them and not be seperated. that she's missed them and she knows i can't understand but it would be for me like being seperated from bella. that she needed weed to help her unwind. that she needs to get alot packed. that she's decided not to stay there but is looking into public housing. that she needed her own place.
i told her that yesterday was horrible and awkward. that i wished she could've just sat and talked with me instead of just storming out....maybe we could've come to a workable solution. that i was glad she wasn't staying there, because that's the reason she left to begin with. that weed is not going to help her more than for just a little while. that we love her.
...that government housing is a waiting list and a whole lot of red tape. that i know this first-hand after helping 2 others in that system this past year. she also has no birth certificate, no ss card, no photo id. her drivers license is suspended and was stolen a long time ago. all things i've been trying to help her get back. all things that take time. and time is a process. that even if they can find her immediate temporary housing, that may or may not include her 2 dogs and a cat.
she said she felt confident they would help her if she told them she has no place to go.
i said, "but you do."
she sighed and said, "i know. but i need my own place. i need to do this...all of this...for me. not because of morgan or you or anybody. for me. i'm the only one that can take care of me.
and i wanted to argue that she's not alone and that there are those of us that love her and more importantly, God wants to take care of her. even that she's being just a little bit ridiculous in the meanwhile.....but i think my heavenly father knowingly and lovingly silenced my tongue.
the very real truth is, no matter if she's coming to that conclusion in a round about way, facing herself, taking care of herself is one of the biggest parts to that process. and in the last 2 weeks that i've invited myself along in that journey, hasn't that been the one resounding prayer of my heart? that she do these things. for her....?
i think, in a way, this is very much the way a mother feels, when she comes to the realization that no matter how much she loves her kids. no matter the lessons she's painstakingly tried to teach, that sometimes, your kid just needs to fall flat on their butt before they ever get that point. and even then, it may take a few falls. may even break the tailbone in the process. and that the most important thing you can do, is love them. and let them fly free.
when ya gotta fly.....well. ya gotta fly.
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