here's what i know

you can't change anything if you're not willing to change.

talking to christy last nite, i realized i'm very jaded. its not that i've lost total optimism. its just that logic and realism tend to pale that, in comparison. kicked one too many times while you're down, can do that to a person. i'm no martyr, and a visit to the trailer park a few miles down, will leave you with the impression that i'm living at the ritz. there are plenty, worse off than me. but in my life, i've lost alot. i've had times of plenty, and i can't tell you how many times that good things have been ripped from my life.

that's humbling, at best. and at worst, just plain phbbtty, m'gritty.

i consider myself to be an empathetic person. but the older, more experienced i become, the less patient, understanding, i am, when it comes to people running in circles. if i've had to do it, by toads, so can you, kind of philosophy. thats not fair, but i acknowledge that wholeheartedly.

so somewhere in the midst of all this, my eleventeenth midlife crisis, we decided maybe it would be a good idea to move in together? 3 adults. splitting the bills 3 ways. an interim, some breathing room, a stopping off place,while everyone gets back up on their feet. we're all going thru a difficult stage. so why not alleviate some of the pressure in the process....

i think, sometimes, God gets a great deal of enjoyment out of all my scheming. you'll notice that i never took the time to ask Him, during all this decison making.

i have a bad habit of surrounding myself with chaos, which directly contradicts my ocd/anal retention, and, i have a sneaking suspicion, God. the truth is, i'm in love with spontaneity but i cling to, aka worship order. talk about some yin to your yang. trouble is, my harmonic balance always ends up just a smidge off skew.

this idea has been no different. here we live, paycheck to paycheck, not unlike half of middle america. we have nothing saved back. not because we're lazy but because we're never able to. 3 very different adults, struggling to get by, get thru, heal, change... a couple, sorting thru their marriage, my dear friend, feeling confused and convicted/conflicted as a lesbian, 1 headstrong 7 year old, going on 17. four very different personalities. throw in 2 extra dogs and cats and alot of emotional baggage, and we've made ourselves a home, no?

in theory, i know what you're saying. it sounds all a little too romantic and white-picket-fence. ha! but i lie awake at night, wondering how in the world we'd ever pull that off. so when she called last night and voiced her doubts, in not so many words, i was at once, relieved and then just irritated. she wondered if she'd dissapointed me, and i was honest: the only person dissapointing me these days, is me. i was irritated not because i've already harbored the sneaking suspicion it would never happen....that it didn't need to happen...but humbled, because yet again, this wasn't something i'd really talked to God about. i was aggravated that she was not ready or willing to take that step, when by toads, if i am, then someone else better be, right?

that's not to say i'm always so great at stepping out, myself. who are we kidding. but i think thats wounded me far more than helped me, in my life. learned behavior can be changed. but 10-1, its not gonna happen overnite. and very rarely, is it a picnic in the park. i've wanted healing for her. but there again, i can't make that happen on my own. sometimes, i think i'd do well with a personal assistant to reign me in....

this house, tho has its finer points, has slowly lost its charm. and yet i know a great deal of that has to do with what happened a year ago. that, and our upstairs neighbors, possibly. its ironic, i say that.... goes to show that the grass is not always greener on the other side. when i first moved to this section of tennessee, i fell in love with the tree streets here. large, older homes, full of history and quiet, stoic beauty. i could see myself here. and i felt like actually getting here, years later, was an answered prayer. i suppose it was, in a way. God answered it, but only to allow me to see the bigger picture.

like so many other things, it feels tainted, after all this time.

but i also have trouble with staying focused and blooming where i'm planted.... so there you have it.

we're going to look at that other house today anyway. even tho christy is no longer along for the ride. even tho its $100 more than we pay currently. even tho its not the best time. and we have nothing to go on. nothing really going for us. but i prayed the other night that God woul lead us in the right direction, either way. so, in the same token, we have nothing, therefore, to lose. i laid in bed last night, listening to the neighbors either break down their meth lab or practice bowling, one, and imagined where/how i'd position everything there. how nicely it would all fit together. how we wouldn't have to creatively store (cram) things in closets, like you do, with apartment living. how we'd have a huge yard, and a basement - complete with a workshop. a garden building. room for a garden. how i'd arrange the built-in bookshelves. how i'd have no carpets to clean. how jason could park his yacht (bass boat) in something other than the yard.

i want it.

i don't know how or where or why that might ever fit into Gods plan, and it more than likely won't. but i want it, all the same. and so, for a few moments tonight, i'm going to enjoy peeking in corners and cupboards and closets and daydream how all of our things would fit so nicely into all of them.