losing faith, just a little at a time

dear god. its me again, margaret.

you know. the chick with the raw,peeling nose. in the pajamas she hasn't changed out of for two days. with the button missing off the top and the alfredo stain on my boob?

i would really, really like a reminder.....a little proof......some evidence that there's actually some good and decency in this world, tonight. please.

i'm flinging my mom button in a corner for a few hours. as it turns out, i am terribly "mean, wretched and unfair". my 7 year old, the drama queen. thank you, thank you. encore at bedtime, i'm sure. which, incidentally, is being moved up by at least a half-hour this evening.

at supper, jason took one look at my sexy ensemble, cocked an eyebrow and in his best john wayne -meets- cap'n jack sparrow, said: "well helloooo there lil lady. are you tryin' to seduce me, you cheeky strumpet?"

i would also like to annouce my abstinence from female friendships, heretofore. instead, intending to only pursue committed relationships with robots from here on out. robots that come with compliments and soft batch chocolate cookies when i insert quarters into metallic cleavage.

"i have way too much sh** on my plate right now to deal with this...."

this was said, right before i was hung up on, this afternoon. after i had asked christy if she was going to stay in touch. after a long silence, after she had called to "see how i was doing. oh, and she left her cigarettes here...she'd need to stop by and pick those up."

"too much on her plate." wow. so, i guess i don't. or i guess i do such a grand job of hiding it all that everyone thinks they can heap a big steaming pile o' poo right on top of mine. really? seriously? because this is why i'm in therapy. because, for some reason, i can't seem to say no and stop myself from loving people unconditionally and not opening my arms and my heart and my home open wide for them to rip me a new one.

it could be this nasty sickness talking. the fact that it hurts to breathe, cough, blow my nose.....it certainly doesn't help that my offspring came home from school with attitude plus, tonite. or that my mom called this morning to remind me i'm fat.

just tell me this. why do some people just not care? why. why do some people open their mouths and use and take and not care one bit who they step on, in the process.

and why is it, that i care so much?

and why is it that every time i get just a couple steps forward, i feel like i fall a mile back....

tonite, i don't want to understand. tonite, even my lucky wonder woman underoos aren't helping.