rain, rain

jason got his work bonus, friday. and while there are so many more sensible things that could have been done with Extra Free Money that we didn't have to work for, there are also times when you just need a break from insanity. whenever i have those rare moments of guilt, i am reminded of the sage advice given to us, a newly engaged couple, years ago, by a crusty old co-worker. he said he didn't have any shower gift for us but he could give us some words of wisdom: "work to live. don't live to work".

words that hold true, when you're struggling to make something of your life. when you have average jobs with average pay and living week to week, just is. when you weren't smart enough or lucky enough to do everything right, once you hit adulthood. or, when you find yourself in your 30's and still without a higher education or a car paid off or a mortgage or anything proper, really, to show for yourself, in society's terms. years of bad planning, poor choices, just bum luck, can eat away at you. and clawing your way back up to the top sometimes takes more energy and sacrifice than you could ever realize. so those moments, few and far between, when you splurge, i can't judge anyone for. i understand, all too well.

yesterday i felt hellacious. i'd spent friday night at work, self-medicating with zicam and herbal teas. after my ladies were in for the night and my cleaning was done, i mostly chilled, literally, on the couch. i tried to focus on bad reality tv and hemming some of bellas pants.the night was long. very long. and not a friend, to me. by the time morning rolled around, it was everything i could do, to get the girls thru their morning routine and wait for my shift relief to arrive.

when i arrived home, it was to the hustle and bustle of my busy little family. jason had errands to run and an uncle to help move. bella was packing a bag to go with nana to her church groups' spring fling. i did little but kiss everyone hello and goodbye and then flop down on my wondrous, most fabulous bed in all the world, and pass out.

i woke up in a coughing fit around 11 and called my manager, asking for the night off. when jason arrived home in the afternoon, he snuggled in next to me and said he had an idea: we could still go to gatlinburg . why not....he'd grab us some fannie farkle dogs and we'd veg out in the hot tub until we passed out from the sheer awesomeness of it all.

we had joked about escaping to gatlinburg if he got a bonus check. we'd just run away for a day and the world be damned.

decisions. i, of course, had banked on feeling human, so as to acutally enjoy the experience.

i felt like unadulterated crap. but the very promise of a hot tub was like handing me the keys to the kingdom. i nearly regretted the choice on the way up....its only an hour and a half drive, but we took jasons car, which has no ac. so not only was i burning up with a fever, sore scratchy throat, congestion and all the added goodies that the "s" word brings with it, but it was literally hot.

thankfully, it still being the calm-before-the-storm off season, the traffic wasn't bad. and the scenic ride up, is always breath-taking and beautiful. i stopped to get more sinus medicine and we got a gorgeous room, which turned out to be a loft, with full jacuzzi. jason did get the aforementioned sausage dogs, and with my nasal spray, i could almost taste it. and then, my friends, we soaked in every last bit of hot, bubbly goodness that jacuzzi had to offer. jason was wonderfully attentive and snuggled with me all night.

one day. when i'm rich and famous and out of debt.... i too, shall have one of these wonderful water inventions. its too bad you can't just rent a hot tub. after watching reruns of the cmt show,"can you duet" ( have you seen this?? and is it just me or does that one judge need to totally brush the hair out of his eyes!!), i didn't sleep worth crap. i burned and chilled the night away and couldn't wait to come back home. we stopped at the apple barn for some breakfast and made our way out of town.

today is a dreary, rainy day. which i will find helpful, when i snuggle back into bed in a few. i think the medicine and all my tea is helping, but its taking its sweet time. on the way back home, i had time to mull over the decision of whether or not to go into work tonite....did i really want to waste vacation time on the fact that i feel like absolute crap? but as it turns out, i do.

we got home to discover christy was gone. you'll remember she'd left out of here thursday night, saying she needed to go pack up her apartment, and she'd called that one time... but not since. and so sometime last night or this morning, she let herself in. took all her things and just left. no note. no phone message. no email. just gone. i called her sister to see if she'd heard from her. she had, and was surprised i didn't know ~ christy is "coming to stay with her for awhile". the same sister that doesn't know she's gay, for fear she will reject her or worse yet, confirm that God will. the same sister that won't allow animals in her home, that she could "never live with".

there's a part of me that wants to be loving and gracious and kind if or when she does make that phone call. but there's the other, very real & wounded side of me, that is angry and hurt. the side of me that knows i opened my home and my life to her. that we sacrificed alot and did so much to try to help. and she, in essence, slapped us in the face. i don't really know what the lesson in all of that is. and part of me, doesn't really want to.

but maybe that's the problem....maybe the lesson is that i'm supposed to be fixing me. not everyone else. that maybe i'm supposed to officially learn to bloom where i'm planted and be happy with me and who i am and what i have. with enough. to focus on my relationship with jason so that nights like last night aren't so terribly rare. so motherhood doesn't seem so hard. so the hours in the day don't seem so few.

there are moments, when the walls in this room, seem to close in on me. especially when money is tight or i'm feeling the pressure and demands from all different directions. but there are also moments, like now, when i am extremely grateful to God for what we do have. and that even tho we may not ever have excess, we always do have enough.