the song of the broken.

as we lay falling asleep last night, i talked about where i'm at in all of this. what i'm feeling. where i want to be headed. he listened, quietly as per usual, and as i drifted off, i whispered: i'm sorry for what i've done and haven't done.

i heard jason said, "you have nothing to be sorry for".

but i think i do. i don't know where my marriage is. this marriage i was so certain of in the beginning. this marriage that has wandered far, far away in the past 6 of its 8 years.

i know only, that i want this one last shot in the dark. truly want it. to understand. to redeem.

blackbird singin' in the dead of night
take these broken wings and learn to fly
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to arrive

today, bella's caterpillars arrived from http://www.insectlore.com/. she's been anxiously awaiting that package for the past 2 weeks, ever since her nana bought the kit for her at toys r us. i'm always a bit skeptical, bracing myself after a stay at nana's house and what new! exciting! thing/creature! will be accompanying her home. but i say that tender-heartedly, because despite my own issues, i'm grateful bella has that closeness with grandparents. i was almost giddy myself, opening the tiny box, just now, careful not to disturb the tiny painted lady larvae's little home. she'll be so excited when she gets out of school, to "make her butterflies".

it made me think of a song we sang during a christmas concert in bible school when i was a child: "angels, lambs, ladybugs and fireflies" i had to smile.

i had an epiphany yesterday. that all this lack of closure i suffer from in my life, is mainly self-inflicted. meaning, i'm the one that can't close that door. me.

its kinda hard to take.

christy called last night. so broken. her heart has hurt until it can hurt no more. and i understood the beauty in sometimes not having all the right answers. sometimes, having nothing to say. when listening, is just that. listening. i want to sing softly to her: "every little thing, is gonna be alright". and it will. and it will. but not right now.

therapy was exhausting yesterday morning. i sat, sobbing, for a moment, after we'd prayed. mildly perturbed by the awkward silence in the room, feeling surely she was obligated to present me with some profound wisdom after all i'd just projected.

instead, she asked me what closure looked like to me. and i hated to admit, but the truth is, i like order. despite the fact that i almost always invite chaos in to my life, in some way, shape,or form. i like things lined up in a row. preferrably in neatly wrapped packages. closing doors or burning bridges, without leaving a window open or at least a rope, seems so wrong, in my mind. why would God want me to do that. and doesn't that directly contradict his command of unconditional love? of hope or better yet, faith ?

the bible, at times, seems very contradicting. the whole "wise as a serpent, but gentle as a dove". or "God helps those that help themselves."

so what happens when you can't neccesarily "help" yourself....

i chose a christian psychiatrist because at this point in my life, i don't want to sit around and shoot the breeze on various me,me,me topics, the philosophies of "mind over matter" and "i am my only light" kind of stuff. you know, there's alot that makes sense in that.....in meditating, in freeing yourself and finding the hidden you. its actually why i find aspects of buddhism very pure in their roots. but i'm not religious. i believe in God and where my relationship is with Him.

so closure. closure, to me, would be k's asking my forgiveness. 'would be his admitting what he did. it would be candace's arms around me, saying: "i understand. I'm so sorry for what i've done.for how selfish i've been. "

but the truth, the very real truth, is that i may never see that day....

so where do i go with that.... am i justified in my pain? there's no question. but by holding on to that bitterness, i am retraumatized over and over and over again, in this vicious cycle that feels like a death to my heart.
i am only responsible for myself. for my forgiveness of them. for my realeasing them, out of love. it's not my responsibility to make anyone understand. empathize. listen. because they may not. now or ever. the bible says we are to love as God loves. to give grace as He has given it. to live in harmony, even to forgive those who trespass us. in spite of myself. despite everything they have done.

i went on and on about k's various indescretions and how angry it makes me, that candace doesn't hold him accountable for them. that they're not dealing with the real and now issues. that they're just covering up the dead bodies of their past without digging the grave. she said, "so candace, in your mind, is an enabler....is it possible that you, by remaining in her life, are enabling her? that in turh, no-one is really getting anywhere in that equation?"

well crap. and fudge ripple brownie and sons of stinkin' piles o' monkey nuts. and such....

if you ask me, i think we humans got a pretty raw end of the deal. i suppose that's why God doesn't ask our opinion.

but bitterness....it lies beneath our inability to forgive and be forgiven. in my mind, it is the cancer of our very souls. to paraphrase charles stanley, "the bitterness we nourish, stains every single aspect of the relationships around us, paralyzing with distrust, insecurity,a cloak of guilt."

the thing is, how can i talk about my belief, my spirit walk, the forgiveness of God, if i myself, refuse to forgive. what better example of absolute perfect grace, than God. than when he died for the lot of us. selfish, undeserving.

there's a quote: "holding on to bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping the enemy dies."

we tend to think personal circumstances are exceptions to the rule. that its justified. hebrews 12:15 says : "see to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled."

that's really heavy.

and...with that said....if i forgive them, is it ok that maybe that is all i can do. that that in itself needs to be my release. that its ok for me then to walk away. to close that door.

i think it is. i do. i think that God thinks thats a-ok.

so there's this 6-step program:

write down the ways this person has offended you
make a list of your own faults
make a list of things you have done which God has forgiven you
ask God to help you think of that person who wronged you as a tool in His hand
ask God to forgive you for your bitterness
decide in your heart to assume total responsibility for your attitude.

that makes sense. its also easier said than done.

but i think i'm on that path. however slow. however long it takes to get there.

its funny...it took me forever to try and find a verse this morning. a verse that, as a child, held such significance to me. so much so, that even on my graduation cake, it was printed in frosting. it kind of put me in my place, to realize how long i've been gone from my relationship with God. it comes from Isaiah 43:1-5

i have redeemed you. i have called you by name and you are mine. when you pass thru the waters, i will be with you. when you pass thru the rivers, they will not overtake you.when you walk thru the fire, you will not be burned. for you are precious and honored in my sight. i love you. do not be afraid, i am with you.

while shopping the other day at the big dubb-ya, or "the walmart", as they say in the south, i was ogling the bathing suits, while visions of our beach trip swam in my head, when a pair of capris caught my eye. now i have never liked capris. never.ever ever in my life. but these. i actually coveted them. actually checked into a dressing room to try them on. bella plopped down on the bench and said "ok! you be me and i'll be you." i cocked an eyebrow and in my best *her* voice said, "ummmmmm this is gonna be a noooooo." she groaned, "maaaammmaaa". i laughed and pulled them up as she hung upside down and said in her best *me* voice, "ok!!now turn around. now to the side. and the other side. "awwwwriiiiiiight" ,she said. "you look faaaaaabulous!" and stuck a thumb up with a wink for emphasis. i said, "wow. my butt looks awesome in these! check out my butt dance!" and proceeded to sing "thats the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, i like it....." bella sat up straight and shook her head, disgustedly. "you are so crazy to be my mom".

crazy aside, i think i might just be doing alright.