part deux

its silly, really. i suddenly realized today that i didn't even think about my half birthday on the 16th. and then i was momentarily downhearted that mom or kim hadn't either. and then i remembered that i totally forgot kims too.

and i recognized with stunning clarity, might i add, that i suck.

unfortunately, that hasn't been a FIRST this week.

even more disheartening, is that this humbling in the form of wincing embaressment, has been years in the making. i could write a book, with all my mishaps along the way. remind me to share about that kindergarten christmas gift exchange, when i inadvertently swapped out a 5 year olds super cool transformer car for my girlfriends retro, somewhat risque journal and some toe socks. with God as my witness.

rather unfortunately, the humbling of moi has been an ongoing theme this week as well. you may remember my hope story a few blog entries ago.... all that pent up frustration and such. well, i've dreaded every monday morning since, knowing its her i have to face. so imagine my surprise when this monday, things were just a little different. she was actually trying. she was giving a valiant effort in this job that can be extremely demanding, and was even attempting a go at pleasantries.

so i was caught off-guard on the drive to the occupational center, when she abruptly asked me why i had "poisoned opinions" about her. which is a really long, uninteresting story whereupon i opened my mouth when i shouldn't have. what? you're not surprised? bleh. it just so happens, that me getting it out here in this forum wasn't enough for me. nooooo, i just had to confide in a coworker because i'd been so frustrated. afterwards, i'd calmed down and decided that i just needed to "let it be". i'd decided that hope would do things her way and if it wasn't the right way, well the truth would find her out, in its own time.

unfortunately for me, said coworker got into a little, completely unrelated war of words with this hope, and in her exasperation, my confidence was spilled like wine on a white carpet, baby.

now. here's the thing. was i justified in my frustration? absolutely, yes. she'd been unbearably rude, uncouth, downright rotten to me. but the truth is, i should've just kept my mouth shut. it was completely unprofessional for me to whine or tattle to anyone else. so when she cornered me with that question, i had to suck my face and apologize to her, even tho i wanted to shout in total maturity, "but you hurt my feelings!!!!"

boy, was that a rotten, not to mention uncomfortable few minutes out of my life. gotta love being humbled.

bella had vbs all last week and it just so happened that their bible study kinda loosely corelated with a little something i've been trying to work with her on lately. we've been looking at the *fruits of the spirit* and i've been trying to instill the importance of a lovely, sweet spirit, rather than an ugly one. also, the "catching more flies with honey than poo" thing. which has more to do with a bully at the boys and girls club than a bible story but you get my drift.

i kinda got a good dose of reality myself on that one. i'd completely and inadvertently hurt hope , blinded by my own wounded feelings. i'd like to say it was an unnecessary ordeal, but i don't think it was. i think we both needed the time to sit together and chat. thankfully those few uncomfortable moments quickly turned to a gentle, almost kinship, once we took the time to speak and listen.

i discovered she's been utterly stressed out with work and school full-time and her new marriage to a doctor that travels the world without her right now. that her bad attitude had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her own struggles that weekend. turns out, i was just the girl in the way.

i've been catching up here and there with you all tonite. always amazed by you precious friends out there in internet land. i share in your stories...your writing....and i feel like you're my neighbor, come to sit on the porch a spell, to discuss this crazy universal thing we call living. it makes me feel close when i feel distanced from many things in life these days. and i need that. i need to be inspired and reminded of worse things and much, much better things.

i've felt set apart, lately, in a sense. and i know that i could attempt my steps with a little more gusto in this tango we know to be *close relationships*. but i've allowed myself to feel kind of pushed aside. out of synch, or focus. off-key, off tempo.

phone calls and conversations that take place in their own time and not my own. so i hang back, not unlike a shy child on the first day of school. after work today, i came home and i called my mom. i forgot she was busy with other things but being pushed aside, albeit completely inadvertently, still came with a tiny sting.

the real truth is that i think God was trying to put in a call and i just wanted the voicemail to pick up.

my tv substitute of late, in absence of "american idol" has become, surprisingly, "so you think you can dance". once a week, we sit down together and catch up with the miracle that is our free tivo. and once a week, i'm again amazed that this is the show that connects us in this strange way. so diverse, and i find myself totally falling in love with several of the couples. their joy and passion for their craft is incredible and they express it with literally every fiber of their being.

you know how songs get stuck in your head? lately mine has been "bleeding love" by leona lewis. for a good time, scroll down and have a listen. then totally try to accapella to that puppy.

here's another song i'm loving. "rememer when" by alan jackson. i don't particularly dig country music but this song has a deeper meaning when you realize that behind it, is a very real, very painful story and a wife that still holds his hand. you should read their book.

ugh. so here's the real reason i'm up at 1:30 in the morning. i don't know what direction i'm running in these days, kiddos.

i feel this urgency. this pressure to do something *great* and to do it now. that the time for waiting is over and if i don't jump now, i never will. i have zero patience or tolerance, and as mentioned in my last post, running on a very little trust or faith. its a perilous, tangled path that i struggle to push through.

i don't know what to do about school. as my deadline fast approaches, i feel so conflicted on this topic. i think for so much of my life, my biggest dream has been to be free. when i was younger, i had so many idealistic dreams of the woman i would become. the kind of mom i'd be. the model wife. and there were moments along the way when i felt utter abandon and peace with where i was and who i am. when i was spiritually content.

i can't say that my dreams have been shattered. perhaps scattered. a little worn around the edges.

i've longed for a purpose...MY purpose over the past few years. i'd spent a long time running, for lack of a better definition. and i'd been beaten down pretty hard in the process. there was the dissapointment and the hurt and abandonment and betrayal. there was losing everything but the roof over our head. so, sooo much loss. and then there was the valiant leap of faith and the 2nd guessing and the jumping the gun. there were the bad choices and the quiet fade. the rape. there was silence. almost deafening.

and in the midst of all of this, there was a brief, still moment of absolute peace and grace and serene, perfect simplicity.

i didn't feel abandoned by God. but i felt distanced. largely self-induced, meaning i let myself get in the way. i've wanted that closeness back, while still pushing away. in my hurt and fears, i've asked for comfort and guidance, but then closed my eyes and put my headphones on.

my marriage has been not unlike a battered ship upon the waves, these past couple of years. and yet, i love this. i love this man. i love what we have struggled for and built together. i love what we have lost and what we have gained. what God has blessed us richly, for. i love the story we both share in writing.

jason and i come from 2 very different worlds and this has been a struggle in and of itself. jason struggles with a self worth, when i need so desperately to be able to lean on him. and i struggle with *letting it go. letting it be. laying it down*, when i have always been that person to run to. to catch us when we fall. i've mentioned that "backpack of crap" before. that image of the backpack filled to the brim with all the *stuff* that i want to lay down at Gods feet but always manage to pick it back up, as if to say i don't think the Big Guy can hack it.

today, i took flow for a drive. since becoming her PA, i think i've created a little bit of a monster. all of a sudden, my hard work has paid off and my severely retarded, previously in an almost catatonic state, 72 year old is suddenly spry and full of spunk, helping me around the house and even in the most mundane tasks. she wants to go shopping and help cook and fold laundry and go for drives. its been both a joy and an exasperation. but today was a good day for a drive, and found us turning left out of the driveway and heading for cherokee national forest. i turned the radio on, per her request, and she hummed along until, as per usual, she drifted off to sleep.

i look for signs in things. to me, its like God speaking. i'm probably totally wrong and He's having a great deal of fun at my expense but for the sake of my sanity, we'll say that's ok.

today, driving over the winding roads through the forest, "the dance" by garth brooks came on. i was instantly transported to my freshman year in high-school, when a boy in my class was tragically killed in a freak bull riding incident. the girls in our chorus sang that song at his funeral, and it was fitting for many reasons. he'd loved to rodeo and fought hard to bull ride, against his parents wishes. his death was such a loss. but he died, doing what he loved. what he was meant to do. to this day, i can't hear that song without tearing up.

and i wondered if it meant anything for me, today.

i want my life to be meaningful. simple. joyful. this is the kind of woman i strive to be. with wisdom and integrity, understanding, and an unconditional love. the bummer, is that you have to experience some tough stuff to get there, i think.

i'm at a place in my life, where i stand on the threshhold of some really big choices. you have these choices in life.... and i believe that even the wrong ones, have the potential to eventually bring you upright. but how much time do you spend in the process, worrying about the way things might be. i'm going thru kind of a hard spot right now. and i've asked that God literally tell me yes or no. without going into any more detail than that....i could do with a hug or two along the way.