of husbands and wives, part I

"laughter thru tears is my favorite emotion." i love that line from "steel magnolias". i can't help myself. also, i forgot to mention in my last post that i really do tend to find joy unexpected from this lil' gal.

so... the cat from the depths of hell is still here. why, because i can't take a pregnant feline to the pound. i just. can't. do. it.

that, and the stoopid thing just will not run away, despite my repeated attempts at showing her what glorious magnitude of things the great outdoors has to offer.

i did finally grow the cahoney's to at least discuss the issue with christy, who, as i presumed, was unable to do anything about it. so instead, i clorox, rinse and repeat my bathtub every day. i clorox, rinse and repeat the same for the laundry basket, and i have what-nots adorning the middle of each of our vents so she can't squat-n-go. a penny bank here, a gallon of paint there. the resident weiner dog is confused by these obstacles and slinks around the vents as if one might jump out and smack him silly.

good times. good times.

but here's why i'm really here, on a monday morning.... my faith has no get-up-and-go. methinks it's all got up and gone. i wish i could be as steady in my spiritual life as i used to feel, as some of the incredible examples i surround myself with. i wish i were that strong and brave and courageous. i wish i could show in my life and in my writing, the deep abiding love that i feel, that i know to be packed away behind all these layers. i wish God and i were rollin' mad deep, right about now.

but i've mentioned that brick wall.... its still very much here.

i don't like to break it down on my husband very often around these parts because so much of what we've gone thru has been such a painful, personal journey. there are circumstances i've not even confided to family. and i fight this battle, constantly, between feeling selfish in the need to accept,forgive,love and heal myself, and yet feeling empowered by dealing with it.

i fight this battle in my marriage as well. i grew up with an ethic, an opinion, if you will, that you are accountable in this life. you're accountable for your actions and reactions. your behaviors. your very character. i believe there are things out of our control, things that shape our very lives, from the moment we exist. some of these things, we will carry with us the rest of our lives. some, we have the unique position of deciding whether they will define us or not.

i also believe if you love someone, you're going to hold them accountable as well. and no, that doesn't necesarily mean lording some past indescretion over someones head. in my book, that simply means, facing the truth head-on. together. no matter how painful. how ugly. uncomfortable. dealing with it.

the trouble with my little philosophy, is that we all have our own ways of "dealing" with things. and surprisingly, not everyone agrees with me.

whaaaa?!

my husband is so much more complex than i could ever accurately describe. it doesn't really matter.... the truth is, you see only a small window into my world, and base your opinion on what i say or think or feel. it is because of that, i guard my words, at times, because it would be unfair to represent him out of only my frustration. so it is important that you know my husband is a beautiful soul that would literally give his life for another. that behind his rough tattooed exterior, he has the softest, most gentle heart. something you know about him almost instinctively on even a first impression. and it is because of this, people love him. because, without apology, jason, is jason.

one of my most favorite lines ever, came from a coworker of mine,back in the day. imagine with me, if you will, her thick country southern accent, as she announced one night, "jason, when i first metchew, i thought you wuz an ace-ho, but yer jussa big ol teddy-bar."

he is also, in so many ways, so very insecure. he feels inadequate, unsure. and he fights an inner battle all his own.

now that i've described the inner workings of every man born into existence....

in our 10 years together, sometimes i feel as tho we've lived enough for 40.

a short time before i left seattle, i'd made a friend over the internet. i will call her jenna. in many ways, i feel as tho she was a guardian angel for me, during such a difficult time. i was so distanced from all other aspects of my life, and the computer was my one place of refuge. you'll remember my ex-husband kept tabs on everything i did. yes, i was a nerd back then, and actually got into the whole rpg phenomenon. i played the vampire game....had a nifty little character made up and everything. he thought it was ridiculous and stupid, but mr. technology pioneer and guru, it was the one vice he granted me.

so jenna and i met while playing this game. she was going thru breast cancer, and we were both going thru the proverbial fight of our lives. she was such an encouragement and inspiration. and the one thing that resonated, during all our emails or phone calls, was that i would always have a place with her back in tennessee, if i ever needed somewhere to start over. she called me her sister-friend.

one afternoon, after yet another reconstructive surgery, i called to check on her. she had a house full of family and passed me off to a friend when she needed a minute. the voice on the other end caught me off-guard. for those of you that remember "bobby's world", it was bobby's voice, saying, "will....will you be my friend?"

i laughed, in spite of myself, at the absurdity of it. i laughed, while the voice -now deeper-now normal- quietly said, "you're too sad, to have such a beautiful laugh." i was still laughing when jenna got back on the phone. she chuckled, saying i'd officially met their "j-dawg".

to this day, jason will tell you thats the day he fell in love with me. someone he'd never met. never seen. a thousand and more miles away. he will tell you, he fell in love with my laugh. he will tell you this is why he and his friend k, cooked up the idea for the surprise song at the end of our wedding ceremony, "i knew i loved you before i met you" by savage garden.

fast forward to many months later, now back at home, and my decision to move to tennessee. my husband had fought me every step of the way, on my leaving seattle and asking for a divorce. the day i knew i could no longer stay....the day i knew that my life and the lives of my family, those i loved, depended solely on my ability to leave myself behind and become someone else, was the day he met me on our local courthouse steps, on my way to get a restraining order. i made the decision right then and there, looking into his crazed eyes. i called jenna that night, and she made arrangements to drive the 1200 miles to meet me and "hold my hand as i started over."

instead, it was jason that came.

jenna had taken sick after her last surgery, and was physically unable to travel. they'd had many complications during the operation and she was left with a 6 inch gaping hole on her right side, that had to be irrigated and repacked every few hours.

so it was jason that offered to help drive me back. it was jason that took a greyhound bus, leaving tennessee for the first time in his life. jason, that emerged the last person off that bus. his arms that wrapped me in an instant hug and then moved directly to my mom. jasons hand that held mine, the entire 2 1/2 drive back to my parents home.

i used to joke that jason held my hand the first day we met, and he's held it ever since.

the trouble with fairy-tales, tho, is that the binding does, at some point, crack with age. and its up to you, how you decide to fix it.

at some point, we stopped holding hands. and i think we've been struggling to reach out, ever since....