of walmart, Gods still, small voice, and facing demons

this post from find life really made an impact on me... kept me motivated thruout the long work weekend.

d'you ever feel like that scene straight out of steel magnolias : the trunk jam-packed with colored eggs for the easter egg hunt and in a moment of absolute chaos, weeza slams the trunk down and they all wince and groan and moan as they survey the carnage.


things in my life feel like that chaos right now. i laid awake in bed at 3 this morning, willing myself to get comfortable. after a rough bout with her ibd again this weekend and many a trip to the bathroom over night, i'd let bella crawl in bed with us. as it turns out, once you squeeze 2 dogs, 2 cats, 2 adults and an 8 year old in bed...your california king all of a sudden doesn't feel so spacious anymore. i'd given up on trying to stretch out my legs and regain any of my covers.


my conscious effort, as of late, has been that of a prayerful heart. all this changing and rearranging that God's been doing around here has been a little overwhelming, to say the least. i'd worked double shifts at work since wednesday and all weekend long. i'd tried to stay positive about it, but my patience and faith was waning, big time. by the time i drug my sore feet in last night, i was one pooped pup. so at 3 o'clock this morning, i was talkin' to God.


mostly about what i don't understand....and trying to let go of it.


this week was so busy and i've been so tired. i must have three or four *to be continued* posts i started here at random moments i managed to catch. posts about motherhood and our decision to discontinue therapy. about my mother in law issues and about how bad off my feet really are. i reckon they'll sit there just a little longer.


i went into work yesterday morning in a foul mood. i'd pushed the snooze button one too many times, getting up at the last minute, with no time to shower. i threw on some clothes, twisted my hair up in a clip and ran out the door; clocking in, just in time. i harbored the faint hope that i still might be able to sneak one of the girls off to church with me ~ i figured God wouldn't mind my shorts, as long as i showed up. but as the minutes ticked by, i discovered my other staff member was going to be a no-show and i resigned myself to the fact that i'd be going it alone. i was eventually sent some help, but it made for a loooong day.


i second-guess myself in this job, often. i look at my 2 precious ladies i take care of. i think of the love and affection i have for them and what a revolving door their world must seem like. i wonder some days, if their families ever think twice about their decision to put them in group homes. i wonder when their mental retardation became a burden, or if it was always that way. i look at the fact that i, at least, earn a paycheck on their behalf. and yet i think to myself how draining it becomes, being the caregiver. i look at how exhausted i am, coming home from a 12 hour shift, only to be faced head-on with the needs of now my own family.


and i guess, more than ever, i'm grateful for a heavenly father that doesn't get tired of taking care of me. i'm thankful, that no matter how much i push buttons, i'm never too much.

when the alarm went off this morning, i drug myself out of bed and got little red ready & off to school. i almost wore my pajamas, but at the last minute, changed into jeans and a sweatshirt. to be blatantly honest, i wanted nothing more than to come home and go back to bed. but i had this nagging little voice, reminding me that unless i plan on getting really creative with some flour, green beans, tuna and condiments for supper, i should probably hop on over to walmart & get some groceries.


i almost came back home. but instead, i went, reasoning it would be better now, than to try & fight crowds and a famished 3rd grader in the afternoon.


this new walmart is rarely busy. and it was early, so i walked to the back slowly, perusing the holiday aisles here and there, fingering the pretty decorations and leaf shaped baking tins, stopping to smell some new lotions. i dropped some neosporin in the cart, debated on which bleach smelled better, did my egg examination on an 18-pack. i headed back to the shoe department to see if i could find bella some inexpensive dress shoes. she's down to 2 pairs of shoes ~ crocks & tennis shoes and its so hard to fit her feet ~ identical to her daddy's. i rounded the corner and did a mental check-list to bring her back one day this week & have her try a couple pairs on. i glanced back at my list and pushed the cart forward with a renewed fervor, only to stop dead in my tracks as i stared right into the face of k.


we were at a perfect *t* intersection, and for a split second, i think we both fought the urge to run the opposite direction. i'd known this moment would be inevitable. we've had near run-in's with them on a few occasions over the past year. we've experienced awkward encounters with mutual acquaintances and family. just last friday, candace's sister came up to us in a hardware store and tried to make light conversation ~ a few moments of absolute awfulness, i'd rather not have to remember. for days after, i'd tortured myself and jason, with wondering aloud what exactly she'd meant when she said, "oh, i hardly recognized you!". did that mean i was looking like a big fat ugly hog?! i was sure, in my own crazy mind, that she was trying to be facetious and i should've come back with some cool sophisticated remark. i'd also heard candace was pregnant again, with their 4th child.


but standing there, right in front of me, there he was. this man that had been like a brother. that had become this monster. that had raped me.


his face looked puffy. and weathered. and old.


he spoke first, "how are you?"


i didn't hesitate: "i'm good, we're good. doing good. you?"

"we're", he paused, taking a deep breath, "ok. taking things one day at a time."

and then, the most bizarre thing happened.

2 short months ago, jason and i had seen them in the same walmart parking lot. my happy day had deteriorated within a mere nano-second, my throat had caught, and my stomach had bottomed out. jason had had to calm me down and steer me protectively in the other direction. i'd nearly had a massive panic attack just at the sight of them.

5 short months ago, i was bawling my eyes out in protest at my counselors gentle urging to forgive them and forgive myself.

when the topic of *them* ever breaches our conversation, jason and i almost instinctively revert to sarcasm, in an attempt to beat any remaining, lingering pain to the punch.

but standing there this morning, in the middle of the shoe aisle at walmart, i realized i wasn't really there for groceries at all. that i'd changed out of my pajama's for a reason. God's reason. Gods' timing. i've often wondered at "God's timing". that whole "He only gives you what you can handle for today" business? sometimes i think he's forgot to put his glasses on or something.

but there we stood. and took deep breaths, one after the other, and it felt as tho we talked an eternity in the space of all of 3 minutes. he said he thought this day would be awkward, but strangely, it wasn't, and he was grateful for that. he was grateful that i'd talk to him. he said that they're trying to take things one day at a time....let God lead them in the right direction. his eyes teared up, as he looked down and said the last many months have been painful. more painful than he ever thought they could be.

and even as i instinctively said, "im sorry", my good/bad over-the-shoulder angels went into overtime.

what the hello did I have to be sorry for?! its good he's been in pain. good he's had to sit out on the sideline and take a punch to the gut and have to grow up. i should rub his nose in it even now. "security!" not to mention, that i was in the perfect spot for a knee to the groin while we're at it. let me grab some shoes...

but i was sorry. i am sorry. for the hurt that we've all gone thru. i am sorry its taken me so long to forgive and let go. because that's my job. and i'm only responsible for where i'm at with God.

but he shook his head and that moment, that for the past almost 2 years, i felt i'd never receive, ever in my lifetime, was there.

"nah, kat. no. you have nothing to be sorry for. i am. i needed to grow up. needed to face my demons. i needed to walk this road...... you didn't".

"i think God felt otherwise, k. i think we all did."

and it was then, that he hugged me, "i'm soooo, so sorry, kat".

and you know, its funny. angels didn't sing. the skies didn't part with this heavenly host that broke forth and cracked the epicenter of all that is walmart. but it was good. and God saw that it was good. and i have to believe that God knew that with everything so frantically changing in my life right now, i needed that one thing.

i don't know if we'll ever speak again. and i'm totally ok with that. we parted on, well, relieved terms. and if what we both needed today was that closure, that forgiveness.... i'm thankful for that heart cry answered.

i got in the car to go home and turned the radio on. while i'd been squeezing the groceries in, i'd somehow managed to change my station to a country one, and i had to kinda laugh when kenny chesney's "demons" started playing, because i feel as tho i faced a big one, head-on today.

all of my life's complexities are not yet solved. and tho there are blessings, questions still never seem answered. the path still seems like an overgrown one, right now. but i'd like to say how grateful i am for Gods timing, in spite of myself.