of in-laws and breakfast in bed

since we've not visited ye old video store in awhile, we scored 2 free rentals over the weekend and watched "baby mama" last night when i got off work. can i just say, tina fey is an incredible writer. the storyline was more poignant that hilarious, and tho a few snippets here and there were typically crass or fell a little short, it was a good movie. plus, it had a great soundtrack, which is always a plus in my book.

so day 2 of fall break. bella made me breakfast in bed: 2 slices of toast with a grape jelly heart, and a mug o' milk.

now. i would agree that this would, indeed, merit an "awww" from those bleeding hearts among you, if it weren't for her making up for shennanigans yesterday.

you'll remember i had to work yesterday. and the deal was, she was going to visit mamaw & her great uncle d for about an hour, then nana (jasons mom) was going to swing by and pick her up and jason would get her after work.

somewhere along the way? bella asked for a kitten. so what does any responsible grandmother do? she takes her to the pound and lets her pick one out.

who does that???

i hesitate to get into this because i love my mother in law. i do. in the big scheme of in-law horror stories, she's one of the good guys. lord knows she's been there for us. and genuinely, i owe her alot. but i have an exasperating sort of relationship with her, because i think bella is her 2nd chance at making up for lost time with her sons.

she and bella are very close, largely because i had to work all the time when she was a baby. so bella spent much of her most formative years at nana's hip instead of mine. and this would be all the more endearing, if it weren't for the fact that nana views her role not as nana but as mama.

jason and his brother grew up latchkey kids. their parents both worked and money was tight. in their defense, their parents grew up in a whole other era. there wasn't alot to offer 2 people who had dropped out of highschool. you got a job at the factory and you bought a trailer. and life was hard. the boys spent their afternoons and weekends at babysitters, the boys club, or home alone.

and because life was hard, the philosophy was you didn't dwell on things. matter of fact, you just didn't deal with them at all. which is why, when jason went to his mother at the age of 9, over being sexually molested repeatedly by a family member, she patted his shoulders and said, simply, "ok".

jason also remembers being 16 in highschool and heavy into drugs, went on a binge that knocked him out cold for 2 1/2 days. he woke up in his own vomit and waste and crawled to the living room to ask his dad for help. i can't fathom that. i know after 5 minutes of uninterrupted silence that something is askew with my daughter.

the thing is, we all have a back-story....pieces to the puzzle that make up who we are. and in the 10 years i've known jasons family, i find that i'm still gathering those pieces. and no, it doesn't always excuse behavior, but it makes it easier, sometimes, to understand.

what i don't get, what i don't feel is fair, is how his mother never seems to show us respect. she can never just stand back and treat us like anything other than stupid children who continue to make mistakes, in her book.

to date, she's bought bella the following pets, without our permission:

2 hamsters
3 parakeets
countless hermit crabs
a 20 gallon fish aquarium
a cat

just 2 weekends ago, while out thrift shopping with bella, she'd found a cute little cheerleading skirt that she wanted. but the logical side of my brain had kicked in, and a dress-up item was not on my itenerary when she needed jeans. so i said no, because this shopping trip, we were looking for school clothes, not play clothes. she was dissapointed but took it well. bella then went to spend the night with nana that saturday and when i get home sunday night, take a wild guess as to who greets me with pom-poms shaking, in that cute little cheerleading skirt.

i felt defeated. and i really didn't know who to be angry with. my daughter, for being naughty and asking for it, when i'd said no and explained why. my mother in law for being a jerk and buying it simply because i'd said no. or my husband for not standing up for me and backing me up with our daughter.

rrggghh.

the thing is, bella knows, in all her childish wisdom, that she can have whatever she wants at nana's house. that the word *no* doesn't exist there. and even tho she couldn't put it accurately into so many words, she's being shown the fine art of manipulation and disrespect, in the process.

an example: i limit bella's sugar intake drastically at home. soda's for instance, are reserved only for special occasions. but nana takes my words, my requests, and tosses them in the trash. at nana's house, bella can have a happy meal and then chocolate chip cookies and a piece of cake and a diet soda with a bowl of ice cream to boot. at nana's house, she can watch scary movies and stay awake til midnight and have no repercussions.

and maybe linda is making up for all those times she had to tell her boys no. all the times she didn't have enough money. i don't know.

i do know its a great source of aggravation in my life. jason and i both have to work. my own family are miles away, we have a handful of friends that aren't in the position to help us with bella, i don't know alot of people in the church because i'm working when they have bible studies, etc....and add to that, i really don't have the money to pay for professional child care. so i feel stuck, alot of the time. and nana and papaw become our backup plan. and i wish that weren't so. i wish i was in a position where that wasn't necessary.

at very least, jason put his foot down with the cat. he told his mom the kitten needs to stay there, despite her rebukes and bella's tears. i'm proud of him for that. and when i got home last night, we had to go have an in-depth conversation with our 8 year old on the importance of respect. hers and nana's.

so i'm curious. what are some of your experiences with in-laws and how have you dealt with them....