eye of the heifer

so while sitting down to enjoy my egg sammich with hot plans to hit the blog circuit this morning, i managed to twist something rather peculiar in my back. nooo. couldn't happen whilst i've been tearing up floors or packing and heaving 50 lb boxes. but sitting down to feed. its fitting, no.

in the off/on 10 years i've lived in the grand state of tennessee, we've never had snow like we've had yesterday and today. bella has never once experienced the joy of a *snow-day* until today. and in those on/off 10 years of praying fervently for snow, i've never been more annoyed than i am today.

i suppose the spasm in my back isn't helping. as is the bank, holding my precious *big money*, crippling my well-intended plans to Get Stuff Done! nope. instead of thoughts of snowmen and hot chocolate dancing in my head, i feel stuck. imprisoned, even. with 11 days left to pack and get the heck out of dodge, one might imagine i'd be thankful for the interim. because once a little hint of warm weather sneaks in, it'll all be about the trailer again, and i'll be doing the mad dash to keep up with both.

*sigh*

i sat down yesterday at the computer and bawled thru this awful, horrid post that i've since decided not to share. noone wants to hear my blubbering. lets just say that tho a bunch of packing eventually got done, yesterday was not very pleasant. i suffered from a headache just shy of a migraine for most of the day, while bella played under-foot and i cried with every new freshly filled box i taped up, wondering pitifully why i'm so far away. why it seems so often that i have to take a step back. why so many have so much. and why we fight so hard for what we do have, only to have so little. and then to have that taken away.

i share that, not in a shameless plug for sympathy, but because i need to show i'm a little human sometimes. that some days, i don't do so well at the 'keepin on'.

in a couple days, you'll never know we had snow. maybe i can finally get the water turned on at the other place and hopefully/prayerfully, the handy-man coming over can fix what ails the 20 something year old furnace. the bank will finally & begrudgingly give me access to my moulah and i can do things like pay the handy-man, and shop around for things like silicone putty and carpet remnants and a stove, oh my!

but today, just today, i'll take a breath and remind myself to keep on keepin' on. and america will too, on this all important day in history. i'll remind myself that the littlest things matter the most. that i'm blessed beyond measure and that i'm grateful for those blessings. that i'm not, nor do i need to be any bigger or better than anyone else. that maybe, if i can show myself faithful in a trailer, some day i'll get my big campground with my farmhouse on the hill.

this post today, from the archives of jen lemen really rejuvenated me:

even if you are not perfect
even if you don’t know the answer
even if you are horribly confused
even if you can’t make anyone feel better
even if you don’t know how to make yourself well
even if you made a mistake
even if you don’t know how to be
even if you are ashamed
even if you are hopeless
even if you don’t quite fit in
even if you are scared
even if you are lonely
even if you shouldn’t be having such a hard time right now
even if you don’t think so
even if you haven’t found your place yet
even if you aren’t proud of yourself
even if no one has really seen you before
even if you don’t know what to do
even if you try too hard
even if you’re disappointed
even if you don’t really like yourself right now
even if you are beyond good advice
even if you don’t know how to cry
even if you think this post must be meant for someone other than you.

I hope today you will look up into the sky and then all the way down to your feet. That is the earth you are standing on. She is holding you. She is sending you all the love she has in her heart. She is there for you. She will not let you go.

and today, thats the way i choose to feel about God. He's holding me. sending me all His love. not letting me go.

baby steps, america. one foot in front of the other.