30 days

they say it takes 30 days to really get a feel for something. 30 days to develop new habits. 30 days to break an old one.

i'm inching my way closer to my own personal 30 day mark. awhile back, i started walking in the mornings. and i'm proud to say i've kept at it. oh, i've thought about it...talked about it...even attempted it a few times. by myself, with friends. but it always fizzles out, for one reason or another. once upon a time i was even hitting the gym. but its been a long while.

we fancy ourselves active. we love the outdoors and getting out and doing things. we work hard and play hard. but more often than not, we find ourselves stuck in a sort of sedantary lifestyle. and i, for one, don't want that. i feel tired and old when i should feel vibrant and healthy. i want to live my life. and experience it to the fullest. i want to instill that in our daughter. i want to inspire my husband.

my weight and subsequent body image has fluctuated up and down since childhood, really. i'm the first one to point out your beauty, yet have no problem downplaying my own. for the most part, i had a well-adjusted childhood... i went thru growth spurts and puberty like everyone else, save for some extra curves upstairs, thanks to genetics. there are plenty of things i like about me, but i can't say that i've always loved myself. i think thats a work in progress.

as a woman in my 30's, in many ways, i feel like i'm just officially coming into my own. and with that said, it gets harder, blaming the "baby belly" on your nearly 9 year old.

one morning, i woke up and just felt like it was time. that time is sometimes all we have. and that its of the essence because we just have this one time to make a difference. and i think this is one of the first things i've really done for just me, in a really long time. sore muscles aside, its become this sort of joyful part to my day. each morning, i drop bella at school and head for the park. i do my stretches, plug in my earphones and hit the pavement.

i won't lie and say its been easy. in the beginning, it was plain hard. strangely enough, because the hardest lesson hasn't been in pacing myself but in allowing myself to commit to the moment. instead of my usual *hands in 10 different pots*, i'm focusing on me. and in doing so, i'm focusing on God, too.

i'm in transition zone. i couldn't, in all honesty, tell you i've *met my stride*. some days are downright dissapointing. discouraging all around. i've had headaches and nausea and cramps and a host of other maladies. there are the regulars that continue to run circles around me. but each day that i get up and go, is another day that i've met my goal. each extra step or exercise i incorporate, beats my own personal best. and that makes me happy. i feel my clothes just a little looser, my legs just a little stronger, my shoulders squared just a little more.

yesterday, i was so proud of myself for making it around the track 4 times the hard way ~ uhpill. i'd done step-ups on the brick wall in between and was jamming to my tunes, as i hit a slow descent on the trail. one quick combination of not paying attention and hitting a pothole, landed me on 2 very sore, very bloody knees. and i sat there for a few moments, catching my breath and wiping away tears with 2 blood-stained hands, finding irony in the song playing at that exact moment by tenth avenue north. in particular, the line: "i'll be by your side wherever you fall".

i can't pinpoint any one thing that's made a difference or sparked a little something in my spirit. more like a handful of circumstances, lately, that have made me very introspective. jasons' dad's near death experience that landed him in the hospital for nearly a week over easter. the continuing stress with my job and my decision on going back to school just now. the computer - my outlet- going down. jason having a major sa relapse and how truly devastated that's made me. candace, calling again. after all this time.

at a time when ordinarily i'd want to be rescued, i find myself really seeking me out. asking God to change me first. instead of resenting my strength, wanting to embrace that strength and gain more, with His help.

and none of that has been easy.

i've been really sad for a really long time. and i want, more than anything, some balance and rest.