of taking leaps

i can think of a dozen good reasons that i should step into a classroom next monday morning. to better our lives. for the money. the job security. to follow through with something. to prove to myself i have it in me.

and i can think of an equal dozen good reasons why now is not the right time for me.

i broke down in tears with my sister on the phone yesterday. i'd just received gut wrenching news that i may not be able to attend bella's spring concert. not because of anything in my control, but because of a manager at work that has determined to stick like a thorn in my side. she's known about this event for weeks and yet scheduled me to train new staff on that particular day.

some days, i lose all hope in humanity and kindness and goodness in this world.

i think to myself that whatever love and determination i've put into this work that i do, is, in all honesty, pointless at the end of the day. tenure matters not, without a degree or lips pursed just so, to kiss the right bum at the right time.

and i think to myself that i don't want this job forever....this place that dictates how and if and when i spend my life.

so i bide my time. i bite my tongue behind closed lips. i look the other way when they abuse the system. i show up for work and do my job for the day. and at the end, i go home.

but i take it with me.

for a myriad of different reasons, i'm going thru such a difficult and conflicting time in my life. i'm aware that i need to take a step, yet i stand paralyzed, not willing to pick a direction. i'm so afraid of falling. of not having the stamina and the courage and the smarts to pull myself out.

i don't feel that backing. that go ahead. but i know i can't stand still.

its all i have done.

jason and i got into a heated argument over his lunch break. ever like his father, its easier to be stubborn and be quiet when words are needed. tho when he does voice his opinion on this matter, its not what i want to hear.

its a hard day, all around. please pray for me.