there are countless sites that never cease to inspire and amaze me with their honest writing and links to windows that open up my world. such beautiful stories.... i thought i'd share just a couple this morning.
aaron from arms wide open introduced me to
nick vujicic
and jen lemen introduced me to chris abani
Monday, March 9, 2009
on procrastinating
do you ever do this....have some enormoid decision looming over your head like the goodyear blimp, yet blithely ignore the huge shady area over your head in the name of "i'm too busy to deal with this"?
me too. i blame it on the time change.
jason spent the weekend building his loft in our long desired and highly anticipated storage building/workshop, finally delivered last week. bella landed a coveted part and solo in her MusicMakers class on Sunday. my sister wrote a beautiful piece of work.
me? i went thru the motions at work: bathing, cooking, cleaning for ebb and flow, all the while struggling with the age old question: why am i not content. i'm too old for this, this uncertain, angst-filled feeling.
and, why do the wires on our underwires always bust loose while we're on the job.
curse my boobs.
aaaaand, how do i help jason officially quit smoking.taxes have gone up $1.50 a pack. time to switch to beef jerky.
for all intents and purposes, my life is good. i mean, hello fuzzy, i've made it thru addictions, divorce, childbirth, bankruptcy. rape. i'm strong. built ford tough or some such thing. and my bras are currently 25% off. you know, if i needed a new one or anything.
so why am i so off-kilter. why do i feel so out in left field. and why am i so thin-skinned for all my bravado. i notice i'm no longer listed on an admired fellow bloggers site and my instant knee jerk reaction is, "oh no! they've kicked me off the cool kids table. what have i done wrong. its because i've posted so sporadically over the past several months, isn't it. i haven't kept up; i haven't commented. my writing lacks substance. quick! whats a topic!" i think i'm so tough, when really i'm just gooey-filled and desperately seeking approval and acceptance. that i still do this after all these years borders on exasperating, my friends.
what if this is as good as it gets.... not half bad, yah? so why do i consistently daydream about the future and what could or should be so much better than right here, right now. what should i be doing differently, where am i going to be at, a year from now.
the truth? i'm gonna come clean. i think i'm having a really hard time with my life being uncharacteristically normal, right now. i know.... how life altering, right? the thing is, i think the control freak in me is dying a slow, painful death, grasping at straws. and i feel sorry for her. rather than concentrate on the good in my current work, i focus on all the negative crap that goes along with it and i've become a serial job hunter. its true. i'll scan the want ads, apply, interview, and then,once hired, find some reason why that position would never work for me. i went to another interview this morning. similar work to what i do now. i was confident; self-assured. i aced the interview. they liked, nay, loved me. but will i take the job? probably not. instead, i will most likely delicately turn it down whilst i secretly covet the stay-at-home mom gig that has always eluded me and try not to be really, really mad at jason for not being some rich doctor/plumber/IT kind of guy.
i don't want to think about letting go. i don't want to make a decision about going back to school or how long i can last, keeping this kind of a work schedule. i don't want to have to face anything, right now because that would be facing something. and for all that not thinking, i'm doing a little too much thinking. my argument last night on the whole school decision?
moi: if i don't go back to school, how will we ever make it to places like hawaii. or seattle.
hubsand: well, there's always the stimulus package.
do you see what i have to live with around here?
anyway. i guess if you see me not thinking around these parts, give me a shout out and keep me in line, no?
me too. i blame it on the time change.
jason spent the weekend building his loft in our long desired and highly anticipated storage building/workshop, finally delivered last week. bella landed a coveted part and solo in her MusicMakers class on Sunday. my sister wrote a beautiful piece of work.
me? i went thru the motions at work: bathing, cooking, cleaning for ebb and flow, all the while struggling with the age old question: why am i not content. i'm too old for this, this uncertain, angst-filled feeling.
and, why do the wires on our underwires always bust loose while we're on the job.
curse my boobs.
aaaaand, how do i help jason officially quit smoking.taxes have gone up $1.50 a pack. time to switch to beef jerky.
for all intents and purposes, my life is good. i mean, hello fuzzy, i've made it thru addictions, divorce, childbirth, bankruptcy. rape. i'm strong. built ford tough or some such thing. and my bras are currently 25% off. you know, if i needed a new one or anything.
so why am i so off-kilter. why do i feel so out in left field. and why am i so thin-skinned for all my bravado. i notice i'm no longer listed on an admired fellow bloggers site and my instant knee jerk reaction is, "oh no! they've kicked me off the cool kids table. what have i done wrong. its because i've posted so sporadically over the past several months, isn't it. i haven't kept up; i haven't commented. my writing lacks substance. quick! whats a topic!" i think i'm so tough, when really i'm just gooey-filled and desperately seeking approval and acceptance. that i still do this after all these years borders on exasperating, my friends.
what if this is as good as it gets.... not half bad, yah? so why do i consistently daydream about the future and what could or should be so much better than right here, right now. what should i be doing differently, where am i going to be at, a year from now.
the truth? i'm gonna come clean. i think i'm having a really hard time with my life being uncharacteristically normal, right now. i know.... how life altering, right? the thing is, i think the control freak in me is dying a slow, painful death, grasping at straws. and i feel sorry for her. rather than concentrate on the good in my current work, i focus on all the negative crap that goes along with it and i've become a serial job hunter. its true. i'll scan the want ads, apply, interview, and then,once hired, find some reason why that position would never work for me. i went to another interview this morning. similar work to what i do now. i was confident; self-assured. i aced the interview. they liked, nay, loved me. but will i take the job? probably not. instead, i will most likely delicately turn it down whilst i secretly covet the stay-at-home mom gig that has always eluded me and try not to be really, really mad at jason for not being some rich doctor/plumber/IT kind of guy.
i don't want to think about letting go. i don't want to make a decision about going back to school or how long i can last, keeping this kind of a work schedule. i don't want to have to face anything, right now because that would be facing something. and for all that not thinking, i'm doing a little too much thinking. my argument last night on the whole school decision?
moi: if i don't go back to school, how will we ever make it to places like hawaii. or seattle.
hubsand: well, there's always the stimulus package.
do you see what i have to live with around here?
anyway. i guess if you see me not thinking around these parts, give me a shout out and keep me in line, no?
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
fireproof
today i was cleaning out my archives... organizing my favorite web journals and haunts...getting my ducks in a row. i've been so out of the loop lately, with the past few months a whirlwind of events, verging on staggering, yea, even epic, proportions. my daily blog check-list has gone unchecked for much too long. i dropped in on a particular journal i'd let slide and was disheartened to learn of his passing in december. stefs writing...his very legacy will humble you, and i encourage you to read his story, then stop by his wifes' page. lend your encouragement. and please keep them in your thoughts and prayers. i cannot imagine the loss their family is trying to sort through, and the strength that keeps them going.
it sobers me. 'makes me realize how simple my *complex issues* really are.
bella is out on spring break for the next 3 weeks. so far we've been off to a good start with girls day out, trying out new recipes, gratuitous movie watching and later today, a trip to ye old dollar store for supplies to make our sure-to-be-rad-fad flower power hairbows, just in time for spring, should she ever decide to arrive.
i attended orientation on monday, and sandwiched between 85 other hopeful nursing students, i tried not to hyperventilate while straining to process the greek that is 22 pages of required memorization by the beginning of may. 175 medical abbreviations. the 19 medical specialties and their defining curriculum. 143 suffix/prefix roots. they started talking about clinical requirements and my eyes started to glaze over.
what i'm struggling with the most, is wondering which direction i take right now. if ever there were a fork in the road...
the logical portion of my brain tells me i'm incredibly blessed for the opportunity; the financial aid, to go back to school when so many others can't. that i should think of the long-run; the benefits. but the softer, squishier side screams "don't do it. money's great. but your daughters' another year older; you're sacrificing yet another year of your life. 7 days a week, full-on, between work and school. think of the stress of the past few years. do you really want to go back there...."
and the truth is, noone can answer this one for me. if my heart were a hundred percent in this, jason would be passionately supportive. but he sees my internal conflict and the caveman/i-should-be-the-sole-provider in him hesitates. we watched "fireproof" the other night. and while i have some valid aggravation with the over-acting, the story is lovely. and the purpose it sets out to address, is delivered. a marriage in crisis, a sexual addiction, the empty spaces, the chasm that is created when we drift apart.
with this said, there is a sacrifice in anything great. but i question, sometimes, if the sacrifice itself is too great.
for what you gain, what have you lost.
and so i feel as tho i'm merely going thru the motions right now. attend orientation/check. have immunization records faxed/check. schedule physical/check. confirm financial aid per term/check.
dread/fear/wonder/worry/pray?
check.
it sobers me. 'makes me realize how simple my *complex issues* really are.
bella is out on spring break for the next 3 weeks. so far we've been off to a good start with girls day out, trying out new recipes, gratuitous movie watching and later today, a trip to ye old dollar store for supplies to make our sure-to-be-rad-fad flower power hairbows, just in time for spring, should she ever decide to arrive.
i attended orientation on monday, and sandwiched between 85 other hopeful nursing students, i tried not to hyperventilate while straining to process the greek that is 22 pages of required memorization by the beginning of may. 175 medical abbreviations. the 19 medical specialties and their defining curriculum. 143 suffix/prefix roots. they started talking about clinical requirements and my eyes started to glaze over.
what i'm struggling with the most, is wondering which direction i take right now. if ever there were a fork in the road...
the logical portion of my brain tells me i'm incredibly blessed for the opportunity; the financial aid, to go back to school when so many others can't. that i should think of the long-run; the benefits. but the softer, squishier side screams "don't do it. money's great. but your daughters' another year older; you're sacrificing yet another year of your life. 7 days a week, full-on, between work and school. think of the stress of the past few years. do you really want to go back there...."
and the truth is, noone can answer this one for me. if my heart were a hundred percent in this, jason would be passionately supportive. but he sees my internal conflict and the caveman/i-should-be-the-sole-provider in him hesitates. we watched "fireproof" the other night. and while i have some valid aggravation with the over-acting, the story is lovely. and the purpose it sets out to address, is delivered. a marriage in crisis, a sexual addiction, the empty spaces, the chasm that is created when we drift apart.
with this said, there is a sacrifice in anything great. but i question, sometimes, if the sacrifice itself is too great.
for what you gain, what have you lost.
and so i feel as tho i'm merely going thru the motions right now. attend orientation/check. have immunization records faxed/check. schedule physical/check. confirm financial aid per term/check.
dread/fear/wonder/worry/pray?
check.
Monday, February 23, 2009
don't get comfortable
this morning my sister called and i answered in time to hear: "hi. this is God. and this is your wake-up call. " followed by Brandon Heaths "don't get comfortable"
that made my morning, today. i woke up at 5 am saturday morning, bright eyed and bushy tailed, unable to go back to sleep. so i curled up on the couch and decided to dig out my devotion book thats' been a little neglected as of late. i smiled when i stopped by hope for each day this morning and found that very entry . today its cold and raunchy outside, but i'm in a much brighter, allbeit introspective mood in here. minutes ago, i confirmed my orientation for the 2nd of march while i wrapped up my 2009/2010 fafsa. still abit uncertain if this is the right path. but trying to leave it there.
it was a beeeee-u-ti-ful day outside...just gorgeous, last monday. but much like the plastic over the windows, i felt just a little too insulated/isolated. i'd been struggling over the past week. struggling with writing and really, what to write, as i saw myself heading back to jwc fairly soon to continue some real-time, and might i add, long over due personal therapy. i was struggling with my position. struggling with what to do with myself, after the month of the year-long winter. moving on from what had felt like never-ending work, would, you'd suppose, be as simple as a breath of fresh air. but instead, i've felt stagnant. twice now, going back to bed, instead of facing the day, has won over.
valentines day was a massacre of sorts. i wonder sometimes if i put too much emphasis on days like these. women are all too often just a little bit difficult to pinpoint. its not like we make it easy for guys, even if we fancy ourselves abit of a mold breaker. still, i think deep down in our psychosis, we're all just really hoping that he gets us. that he remembers our favorite flower or that doll we loved as a child or something so sentimental and in a word: perfect.
of the 2, i'm far more the romantic than jason, tho he tends to do sweet, unexpected things on a much more regular basis than me. due to the history of our dynamic, those sweet, unexpected things are much harder for me, than they were, say, 10 years ago. for me, they remain abit of a power struggle, with me tempted to stomp my proverbial foot and whisper under my breath that i'm not budging until he's made the first move. *prove it* syndrome, if you will.
i don't know what i was hoping for, really. after all the unexpected twists and turns of january, i've felt as tho i've been kinda doing the white-knuckled grip on what remains of our finances, desperately hoping the other shoe doesn't drop so i won't have to hold my breath forever. and jason, my jason, knows by now, that money has the potential for me to ~ borrowing a sophie word ~ be my kryptonite. yet the day before, jason and i had spent the afternoon with some playful shopping for bella. he rolled his eyes when i said we needed to find her a card; his argument that the giant stuffed love-bug and a bag full of chocolates was plenty. i said every girl needs a card. he asked if that was a hint and i laughed, saying "naaah. but bella needs one from us."
i had so much fun that night, waiting til she was fast asleep, to sneak into her room and decorate it. and when she woke up saturday morning, my hard work had paid off, as she squealed with excitement, running into our room to smother us in hugs and kisses.
i love spontaneous surprises. in years past, i've been known to create a bed of roses, rooms full of balloons, a romantic dinner and stay out of town. but this year, i think i was hoping maybe jason would take the lead. i arranged his card, some cutesie boxers i'd picked out, and favorite chocolates on our dresser, before i left for work, snooping just abit to make sure i hadn't maybe missed something. so as i shut the door behind me, it was with a twinge of dissapointment.
i spent the next 12 hours at work. it had been just over a week since i beat a nasty upper respiratory infection, but saturday i began feeling the effects of the cold that my little ladies and all the other staff have been fighting their way thru as well, and i struggled to cold-sweat it thru the day, as bella spent the day with her nana, shopping and playing, and jason spent the day visiting friends, buying a gun off his dad and picking out a replacement cell phone with all kinds of bells and whistles.
when i arrived home, i peeked thru the window. i'd hoped maybe jason would have hung my cupboard doors or hung the blinds, both the sort of chores i detest. maybe there were flowers on the table. instead, his brother was over, drunk, and in an overly chatty mood. bella was spending the night next door and a friend of jasons was on his way over to visit.
no romantic candlelit dinner. no flowers. certainly no card. when jason stepped out later to drive his brother to taco bell, as his imbibed good mood gave way to the munchies, i sat wrapped up in a blanket on the couch, wondering how we get to places like these, in relationships. i bemoaned such movies like "50 first dates" and such, and briefly considered driving myself over to kroger to make out with ben & jerry. i fought back jealousy as i replayed the stories about thoughtful gifts some of the girls from work had received.
i don't know why women are such emotional creatures. why we can become such sniveling basket-cases when things don't go our way. but my heart felt just a little trompled, when jason came home a short time later, giving me a pop-kiss while delivering 2 crunchy tacos and a bag with 2 candles inside, saying, "i hope you'll like these ~ they smell really good and i couldn't believe how cheap they were!".
translation *kat*: wow. i don't mean enough to him to get me something special. he couldn't even take the time to pick out a card or write me something sweet?! no romance, thats for sure. woot. and great ~ cheap candles. i guess i'm not worth anything more than cheap.
translation *jason*: kat's worried about money so i need to be careful with spending. she always says roses are way to expensive and i can't find those other ones she likes...what are they called again? i'd know 'em if i saw 'em. candles are her most favorite thing tho ~ i can't believe i remembered the 2 she looked at and liked while we were shopping for bella. and she won't be upset, because they're even on sale. score. i asked her if she wanted a card but she laughed and said we just needed to buy one for bella. its not much ~ i'd give her the moon if i could. but we've had to really tighten the belt these last several months. maybe next year will be better.
funny how the sexes differ in their rationalizing, no? even more amusing, that it took an entire week for those translations to be put out in the open, on the table. i find it ironic that often the bigger, tougher stuff, jason and i can be brutally honest with eachother and side by side, on the same page. but its the little things that we tend to hold in. or worse, hold back. and its those little things we struggle with the most, i think. the simple stuff that we let fester. i think the same can be said for faith. the smallest, most purest exercise in trust sometimes feel the hardest.
ever have one of those days? 'tryin to get comfortable...
that made my morning, today. i woke up at 5 am saturday morning, bright eyed and bushy tailed, unable to go back to sleep. so i curled up on the couch and decided to dig out my devotion book thats' been a little neglected as of late. i smiled when i stopped by hope for each day this morning and found that very entry . today its cold and raunchy outside, but i'm in a much brighter, allbeit introspective mood in here. minutes ago, i confirmed my orientation for the 2nd of march while i wrapped up my 2009/2010 fafsa. still abit uncertain if this is the right path. but trying to leave it there.
it was a beeeee-u-ti-ful day outside...just gorgeous, last monday. but much like the plastic over the windows, i felt just a little too insulated/isolated. i'd been struggling over the past week. struggling with writing and really, what to write, as i saw myself heading back to jwc fairly soon to continue some real-time, and might i add, long over due personal therapy. i was struggling with my position. struggling with what to do with myself, after the month of the year-long winter. moving on from what had felt like never-ending work, would, you'd suppose, be as simple as a breath of fresh air. but instead, i've felt stagnant. twice now, going back to bed, instead of facing the day, has won over.
valentines day was a massacre of sorts. i wonder sometimes if i put too much emphasis on days like these. women are all too often just a little bit difficult to pinpoint. its not like we make it easy for guys, even if we fancy ourselves abit of a mold breaker. still, i think deep down in our psychosis, we're all just really hoping that he gets us. that he remembers our favorite flower or that doll we loved as a child or something so sentimental and in a word: perfect.
of the 2, i'm far more the romantic than jason, tho he tends to do sweet, unexpected things on a much more regular basis than me. due to the history of our dynamic, those sweet, unexpected things are much harder for me, than they were, say, 10 years ago. for me, they remain abit of a power struggle, with me tempted to stomp my proverbial foot and whisper under my breath that i'm not budging until he's made the first move. *prove it* syndrome, if you will.
i don't know what i was hoping for, really. after all the unexpected twists and turns of january, i've felt as tho i've been kinda doing the white-knuckled grip on what remains of our finances, desperately hoping the other shoe doesn't drop so i won't have to hold my breath forever. and jason, my jason, knows by now, that money has the potential for me to ~ borrowing a sophie word ~ be my kryptonite. yet the day before, jason and i had spent the afternoon with some playful shopping for bella. he rolled his eyes when i said we needed to find her a card; his argument that the giant stuffed love-bug and a bag full of chocolates was plenty. i said every girl needs a card. he asked if that was a hint and i laughed, saying "naaah. but bella needs one from us."
i had so much fun that night, waiting til she was fast asleep, to sneak into her room and decorate it. and when she woke up saturday morning, my hard work had paid off, as she squealed with excitement, running into our room to smother us in hugs and kisses.
i love spontaneous surprises. in years past, i've been known to create a bed of roses, rooms full of balloons, a romantic dinner and stay out of town. but this year, i think i was hoping maybe jason would take the lead. i arranged his card, some cutesie boxers i'd picked out, and favorite chocolates on our dresser, before i left for work, snooping just abit to make sure i hadn't maybe missed something. so as i shut the door behind me, it was with a twinge of dissapointment.
i spent the next 12 hours at work. it had been just over a week since i beat a nasty upper respiratory infection, but saturday i began feeling the effects of the cold that my little ladies and all the other staff have been fighting their way thru as well, and i struggled to cold-sweat it thru the day, as bella spent the day with her nana, shopping and playing, and jason spent the day visiting friends, buying a gun off his dad and picking out a replacement cell phone with all kinds of bells and whistles.
when i arrived home, i peeked thru the window. i'd hoped maybe jason would have hung my cupboard doors or hung the blinds, both the sort of chores i detest. maybe there were flowers on the table. instead, his brother was over, drunk, and in an overly chatty mood. bella was spending the night next door and a friend of jasons was on his way over to visit.
no romantic candlelit dinner. no flowers. certainly no card. when jason stepped out later to drive his brother to taco bell, as his imbibed good mood gave way to the munchies, i sat wrapped up in a blanket on the couch, wondering how we get to places like these, in relationships. i bemoaned such movies like "50 first dates" and such, and briefly considered driving myself over to kroger to make out with ben & jerry. i fought back jealousy as i replayed the stories about thoughtful gifts some of the girls from work had received.
i don't know why women are such emotional creatures. why we can become such sniveling basket-cases when things don't go our way. but my heart felt just a little trompled, when jason came home a short time later, giving me a pop-kiss while delivering 2 crunchy tacos and a bag with 2 candles inside, saying, "i hope you'll like these ~ they smell really good and i couldn't believe how cheap they were!".
translation *kat*: wow. i don't mean enough to him to get me something special. he couldn't even take the time to pick out a card or write me something sweet?! no romance, thats for sure. woot. and great ~ cheap candles. i guess i'm not worth anything more than cheap.
translation *jason*: kat's worried about money so i need to be careful with spending. she always says roses are way to expensive and i can't find those other ones she likes...what are they called again? i'd know 'em if i saw 'em. candles are her most favorite thing tho ~ i can't believe i remembered the 2 she looked at and liked while we were shopping for bella. and she won't be upset, because they're even on sale. score. i asked her if she wanted a card but she laughed and said we just needed to buy one for bella. its not much ~ i'd give her the moon if i could. but we've had to really tighten the belt these last several months. maybe next year will be better.
funny how the sexes differ in their rationalizing, no? even more amusing, that it took an entire week for those translations to be put out in the open, on the table. i find it ironic that often the bigger, tougher stuff, jason and i can be brutally honest with eachother and side by side, on the same page. but its the little things that we tend to hold in. or worse, hold back. and its those little things we struggle with the most, i think. the simple stuff that we let fester. i think the same can be said for faith. the smallest, most purest exercise in trust sometimes feel the hardest.
ever have one of those days? 'tryin to get comfortable...
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
captains log
day 11 in the Trailer That Could. major catastrophes averted, most internal cosmetic details shaping up, slowly. plumbing has been fixed, tho the bank account has been properly stormed. the mystery *odor* is now a thing of the past. toilets are flushing, clothes laundered, and the family reports a joyful adieu to paper plates.
door finally in bathroom. now private moments can indeed return to our regularly scheduled private moments.
as soon as its fabricated, one day soon, an actual window in place, in master bedroom.
nasty garbage dug out from under back deck: check. *trailer trash* has literally and finally all been taken to the dump. 'only took 7 borrowed truck loads to accomplish. rip in butt of pants: even bigger.
pounds lost: many. (woot)
phone service and internet officially up and running. our captain reports she may yet survive.
captain: oh-so-tired.
door finally in bathroom. now private moments can indeed return to our regularly scheduled private moments.
as soon as its fabricated, one day soon, an actual window in place, in master bedroom.
nasty garbage dug out from under back deck: check. *trailer trash* has literally and finally all been taken to the dump. 'only took 7 borrowed truck loads to accomplish. rip in butt of pants: even bigger.
pounds lost: many. (woot)
phone service and internet officially up and running. our captain reports she may yet survive.
captain: oh-so-tired.
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