Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
here but not quite there
december 6th marked the climatic end to bella's GOTR season. shown here, 2nd row, the one on the far right, with the tie-dyed sleeves and the hippie 'boggin.
not shown here, are mom and dad, aka *running buddies*, 3 miles in, with a charlie horse and a realllllly negative attitude, respectively. ha! but we did it. not first. not last. but just right.
i have yet to go christmas shopping. i'm sort of hoping money falls like manna from heaven.
today we took christmas pictures. which i'm keeping to myself. becuz mother nature is cruel.
and today i feel suuuuper fat.
but tomorrow is my birthday.
viva la age.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
happy december 1st
i sit here this morning, tryig to wrap my brain around the last month.
and i'm thankful for divine intervention and grace. so often, when we least expect it.
yesterday, jason and i sat in a social workers office at the east tn unemployment center. as her fingernails clicked across her keyboard, i admired the personal effects that made up her office. intricate needlework, beautiful what-nots, photos everywhere, depicting smiling faces; family, friends, coworkers, pets?
jason broke the silence and the quiet tension between us, asking the woman about one of the pictures. i redirected my attention to the tiny black kitten in the frame. someone had penned "got milk?" at the bottom. she paused, then swiveled in her chair.
"ahhh. thats sampson....he was 3 days old in that picture. there he is the day he opened his eyes. there, at 6 months. and this one was taken just recently."
she smiled and pointed out other photos. "see that yorkie puppy? and then that grey kitten? my daughter found sampson and his brother abandoned on the same thursday that little yorkie came into my life, which is a whole 'nother story. ...for some reason, things happen on thursdays around here."
she chuckled. "here i was after a long day of work, with 3 tiny, not to mention completely unexpected, motherless, helpless babies to take care of. 2 hour feedings ahead of me, and myself, an emotional wreck. its funny how Gods' timing is always perfect."
the last comment caught my attention, and i looked up, wondering what she meant.
she looked up, wistfully, "my grandaughter was on the other side of the country, that night, going in for brain surgery on a tumor the very next morning. i was angry i couldn't be there. i was scared. i felt completely helpless. but yet, there in my lap, lay 3 innocent babies that needed me. turns out, i needed them more. and He knew it. "
another woman whisked into the office just then with paperwork; the business at hand abruptly ending the conversation. 5 minutes later, we were walking out the door, smiling politely at the receptionist, while i choked back hot tears; jasons unemployment check would be delayed for the 2nd week in a row.
now 2 car payments behind, with utility and rent bills due this week and $4 in our bank account, i looked out the window as we we made our way back thru town; the silence...emotion....stress in jasons's car, palpable.
i was struggling to compose myself. i wanted to cry. and scream. and allow myself to be angry at the circumstances; the situation. and i had every right to be upset. every legitimate reason in the world. its not fair. and all the coulda/woulda/shoulda's seemed to jeer at me from every corner.
we sat at the last red light before our house and for just a moment, there was a brief light and warmth that rested on the intersection in front of us; the sun, a break in the cold, rainy weather. and that song "red light" by jonny lang, sprang to mind...
You can run a red light
Give up at a red light
You break the mold
When running through the tolls
Speeding through your whole life
A chance to breathe
While sitting at a red light
You look around
reflecting on your life
i don't know how i got thru the last 2 weeks of clinicals. but for the grace of God.
for all the wonderful and amazing cna's out there, i give you the right to laugh at my whining. i commend you for your warmth and strenth and 12 hour shifts. but i'm here to tell ya, 80 hours never seemed to last so long. and with work and classes, today is my first day off in over a month. i can't remember being more tired.
i thought to myself many times over the past couple weeks that i was glad i didn't go for my lpn in may. i was glad that i waited. that it would have been too hard. that i never would have lasted a year.
yet i come out of the experience, with a different perspective, thinking maybe i could. and while this all goes back to Gods' timing, i wonder also, if i didn't experience this for far more reasons than i myself, set out with.
the first day of clinicals was unlike anything i'd ever expected. i was not idealistic. while i was looking forward to the learning experience and the challenge, i'd anticipated the long hours and tired feet.
i was not prepared for the sink or swim factor.
nor the hardened, experienced, no-nonsense beast of a cna i'd be assigned to.
its funny, i say that lovingly now. because she is all those things. and i believe she knows it. she is also efficient, fully capable, and a loving, soothing comfort to so many of the patients there. she may be burned out on students, but she's got chutzpah.
with that said, that first day, if God hadn't been down one hall and jason the next, i don't know that i'd have stuck it out.
our introduction went a little something like this: " this here and this here are our halls. you can start by answering call lights and doing what you need to do. they can fire my a**. i ain't paid to babysit and i'm not changin' the way i do anything. i have my own routine. this is my section and i will not tolerate ignorance. " and with a nod of her head, she was down the hall.
and this, friends, is cna 101.
it may be a teaching facility but the truth is, this line of work is tough. its so beyond rewarding. but its also challenging. its physical as well as emotional. and there's no better way to understand all of that, than to just be let loose in that environment. as a student, you are a grunt, wide open to all the criticism, disrespect and abuse they can heap on you. and for good reason. because i've come to realize you either make it or you don't. twice, that first week, i admit i escaped to a bathroom and allowed myself to cry. and then i squared my shoulders and went back on the floor.
we lost 3 students in the first 3 days. and i spent those first few days in a general state of shock and confusion and just plain mad at what i felt was an injustice to students. i felt like i could tell 'em a thing or 2 about the way they did things. i could point out a few things. we could talk about some changes needed around there.
but now? i'm grateful.
i learned that i'm so much stronger than i ever thought i was.
i learned so much more about compassion and the most basic of human needs for comfort, love, companionship and care.
there were so many experiences and moments and snippets of conversations, that i will take with me forever. so many faces that just absolutely melted my heart.
i found a passion in myself i didn't know existed, working in the alzheimers/dementia unit.
there was the woman who mind is now almost completely gone. her husband comes every afternoon to walk with her and feed her supper. i saw him holding her on her bed one night and i marveled at that kind of love and the life they'd been so blessed to experience together.
i gave mouth care to a man who passed away the following night. the one personal item in his room was a picture of him in his youth. so solid and vivid and handsome. his very name made me think of my dad. and the moments that i spent caring for him that one day, i cherish, and hope brought him comfort.
there was the man that used to be the fire chief in his town. when asking about his past, seeing such a sparkle come back in his eye, his chest puffed up, so proud.
the man, 43, who had a brain aneurysm and lays unable to care for himself. who was a biologist and award winning botonist, featured in national geographic.
the woman i held, crying, when for a brief moment she understood that she's not herself anymore and that she's here to stay.
or the woman who kept getting out of bed and consistently needed to be redirected to her room. after one such return, grabbing my hand and whispering that she "just wanted to be where i was, where it was quiet and she could rest, because i was home."
i've always said its peoples' stories that mean so much to me. that tug at my heart. that help me learn and discover myself. and it just amazes me, the imprint we all leave. i wonder at how many people we turn our heads to or avert our gaze in life, to avoid being inconvenienced. yet how we're so much more connected than we'll ever know. we touch eachother's lives in such immensely profound ways.
we've been in search of a new church to call home. after the new addition went up, its been months of sermons on commitment to pay for said addition. and while i rarely get to attend because of work, its been a great source of frustration. you have to remember its been only 2 shorts year since jason and my mother in law have been active in a church full time for the first time in their lives. and this is the same church where i poured my heart out to the resident womens minister about my rape and the very next sunday when wanting to introduce her to jason, she had no idea who i was. it saddens me how far gone we can get, when we lose sight of the really important things, like who we are as people. and that reaching out goes further than just 4 walls. like the song goes: under the shadows of our steeples, all the lost and longing people
so 2 weeks ago, jason, bella and his mom, sought out a new church to visit. last week, i was granted permission to take one of my clients. first time in months. i was anxious, because i hadn't been able to take part in this decision. but by the end of the sermon, i sat, abit humbled. i've been fortunate to be a part of some amazing churches in my life. and i realize i have somewhat grandiose visions for what i envision to be the perfect church. a great childrens ministry and praise and worship team are 2 big categories that i mentally check off, first thing. i hate to admit i have flaws, but semi-conscious judging happens to be one of them, from time to time.
and i was really just so pleased. so put at ease and comforted and reached out to.
the pastor ended his sermon that day, talking about the God Stories that we go out with, and referenced several, ending with a woman in the congregation. he asked if she'd stand, and then asked how many people knew she'd had a kidney removed on thursday. there were gasps and her husband was the only one that raised his hand. he asked how many of us knew she'd given her kidney to her son. that their family had searched for months for a donor that would match and were unable to find anyone. the doctors' hadn't given them much hope. and then miraculously she had herself tested and was discovered a perfect match. he said that wouldn't have been such an amazing story if she were the birth mother. she was his foster mother.
realistically, life is hard. and for us, like so many of you out there today, we've hit some really troubled times. but i really truly believe that if we choose to dwell on the positive....the God Stories that come from the lives that we lead and the fact that Gods' timing is and will always be "perfect", it makes it easier to breathe. to take it one day at a time. one step at a time.
i dread the bills. the lack of money. i don't know how we're gonna do it.
but today is december 1st. and today is a beautiful day. because my family is alive and well. because i have a job. because hopefully jasons unemployment extension will eventually go through. because despite my car on the fritz needing fixed and jason's car running on fumes and a donut, it gets us back and forth. i may not have cupboards or a freezer full, but we have enough. i may not have started christmas shopping but i will. on thanksgiving, that same man in our class that had his electricity cut off, joined us for togetherness and a good hot meal. he wasn't alone. tonite, we'll dig thru our christmas box and decorate our tree. thursday, jason and i both will receive certificates for our cna and on our way to take state boards. friday, bella will joyfully take part in our towns christmas parade. and sunday, the 3 of us will take our places for the Girls On The Run relay for bella.
it may not all be my timing, but its Gods' timing. and its a good day.
and i'm thankful for divine intervention and grace. so often, when we least expect it.
yesterday, jason and i sat in a social workers office at the east tn unemployment center. as her fingernails clicked across her keyboard, i admired the personal effects that made up her office. intricate needlework, beautiful what-nots, photos everywhere, depicting smiling faces; family, friends, coworkers, pets?
jason broke the silence and the quiet tension between us, asking the woman about one of the pictures. i redirected my attention to the tiny black kitten in the frame. someone had penned "got milk?" at the bottom. she paused, then swiveled in her chair.
"ahhh. thats sampson....he was 3 days old in that picture. there he is the day he opened his eyes. there, at 6 months. and this one was taken just recently."
she smiled and pointed out other photos. "see that yorkie puppy? and then that grey kitten? my daughter found sampson and his brother abandoned on the same thursday that little yorkie came into my life, which is a whole 'nother story. ...for some reason, things happen on thursdays around here."
she chuckled. "here i was after a long day of work, with 3 tiny, not to mention completely unexpected, motherless, helpless babies to take care of. 2 hour feedings ahead of me, and myself, an emotional wreck. its funny how Gods' timing is always perfect."
the last comment caught my attention, and i looked up, wondering what she meant.
she looked up, wistfully, "my grandaughter was on the other side of the country, that night, going in for brain surgery on a tumor the very next morning. i was angry i couldn't be there. i was scared. i felt completely helpless. but yet, there in my lap, lay 3 innocent babies that needed me. turns out, i needed them more. and He knew it. "
another woman whisked into the office just then with paperwork; the business at hand abruptly ending the conversation. 5 minutes later, we were walking out the door, smiling politely at the receptionist, while i choked back hot tears; jasons unemployment check would be delayed for the 2nd week in a row.
now 2 car payments behind, with utility and rent bills due this week and $4 in our bank account, i looked out the window as we we made our way back thru town; the silence...emotion....stress in jasons's car, palpable.
i was struggling to compose myself. i wanted to cry. and scream. and allow myself to be angry at the circumstances; the situation. and i had every right to be upset. every legitimate reason in the world. its not fair. and all the coulda/woulda/shoulda's seemed to jeer at me from every corner.
we sat at the last red light before our house and for just a moment, there was a brief light and warmth that rested on the intersection in front of us; the sun, a break in the cold, rainy weather. and that song "red light" by jonny lang, sprang to mind...
You can run a red light
Give up at a red light
You break the mold
When running through the tolls
Speeding through your whole life
A chance to breathe
While sitting at a red light
You look around
reflecting on your life
i don't know how i got thru the last 2 weeks of clinicals. but for the grace of God.
for all the wonderful and amazing cna's out there, i give you the right to laugh at my whining. i commend you for your warmth and strenth and 12 hour shifts. but i'm here to tell ya, 80 hours never seemed to last so long. and with work and classes, today is my first day off in over a month. i can't remember being more tired.
i thought to myself many times over the past couple weeks that i was glad i didn't go for my lpn in may. i was glad that i waited. that it would have been too hard. that i never would have lasted a year.
yet i come out of the experience, with a different perspective, thinking maybe i could. and while this all goes back to Gods' timing, i wonder also, if i didn't experience this for far more reasons than i myself, set out with.
the first day of clinicals was unlike anything i'd ever expected. i was not idealistic. while i was looking forward to the learning experience and the challenge, i'd anticipated the long hours and tired feet.
i was not prepared for the sink or swim factor.
nor the hardened, experienced, no-nonsense beast of a cna i'd be assigned to.
its funny, i say that lovingly now. because she is all those things. and i believe she knows it. she is also efficient, fully capable, and a loving, soothing comfort to so many of the patients there. she may be burned out on students, but she's got chutzpah.
with that said, that first day, if God hadn't been down one hall and jason the next, i don't know that i'd have stuck it out.
our introduction went a little something like this: " this here and this here are our halls. you can start by answering call lights and doing what you need to do. they can fire my a**. i ain't paid to babysit and i'm not changin' the way i do anything. i have my own routine. this is my section and i will not tolerate ignorance. " and with a nod of her head, she was down the hall.
and this, friends, is cna 101.
it may be a teaching facility but the truth is, this line of work is tough. its so beyond rewarding. but its also challenging. its physical as well as emotional. and there's no better way to understand all of that, than to just be let loose in that environment. as a student, you are a grunt, wide open to all the criticism, disrespect and abuse they can heap on you. and for good reason. because i've come to realize you either make it or you don't. twice, that first week, i admit i escaped to a bathroom and allowed myself to cry. and then i squared my shoulders and went back on the floor.
we lost 3 students in the first 3 days. and i spent those first few days in a general state of shock and confusion and just plain mad at what i felt was an injustice to students. i felt like i could tell 'em a thing or 2 about the way they did things. i could point out a few things. we could talk about some changes needed around there.
but now? i'm grateful.
i learned that i'm so much stronger than i ever thought i was.
i learned so much more about compassion and the most basic of human needs for comfort, love, companionship and care.
there were so many experiences and moments and snippets of conversations, that i will take with me forever. so many faces that just absolutely melted my heart.
i found a passion in myself i didn't know existed, working in the alzheimers/dementia unit.
there was the woman who mind is now almost completely gone. her husband comes every afternoon to walk with her and feed her supper. i saw him holding her on her bed one night and i marveled at that kind of love and the life they'd been so blessed to experience together.
i gave mouth care to a man who passed away the following night. the one personal item in his room was a picture of him in his youth. so solid and vivid and handsome. his very name made me think of my dad. and the moments that i spent caring for him that one day, i cherish, and hope brought him comfort.
there was the man that used to be the fire chief in his town. when asking about his past, seeing such a sparkle come back in his eye, his chest puffed up, so proud.
the man, 43, who had a brain aneurysm and lays unable to care for himself. who was a biologist and award winning botonist, featured in national geographic.
the woman i held, crying, when for a brief moment she understood that she's not herself anymore and that she's here to stay.
or the woman who kept getting out of bed and consistently needed to be redirected to her room. after one such return, grabbing my hand and whispering that she "just wanted to be where i was, where it was quiet and she could rest, because i was home."
i've always said its peoples' stories that mean so much to me. that tug at my heart. that help me learn and discover myself. and it just amazes me, the imprint we all leave. i wonder at how many people we turn our heads to or avert our gaze in life, to avoid being inconvenienced. yet how we're so much more connected than we'll ever know. we touch eachother's lives in such immensely profound ways.
we've been in search of a new church to call home. after the new addition went up, its been months of sermons on commitment to pay for said addition. and while i rarely get to attend because of work, its been a great source of frustration. you have to remember its been only 2 shorts year since jason and my mother in law have been active in a church full time for the first time in their lives. and this is the same church where i poured my heart out to the resident womens minister about my rape and the very next sunday when wanting to introduce her to jason, she had no idea who i was. it saddens me how far gone we can get, when we lose sight of the really important things, like who we are as people. and that reaching out goes further than just 4 walls. like the song goes: under the shadows of our steeples, all the lost and longing people
so 2 weeks ago, jason, bella and his mom, sought out a new church to visit. last week, i was granted permission to take one of my clients. first time in months. i was anxious, because i hadn't been able to take part in this decision. but by the end of the sermon, i sat, abit humbled. i've been fortunate to be a part of some amazing churches in my life. and i realize i have somewhat grandiose visions for what i envision to be the perfect church. a great childrens ministry and praise and worship team are 2 big categories that i mentally check off, first thing. i hate to admit i have flaws, but semi-conscious judging happens to be one of them, from time to time.
and i was really just so pleased. so put at ease and comforted and reached out to.
the pastor ended his sermon that day, talking about the God Stories that we go out with, and referenced several, ending with a woman in the congregation. he asked if she'd stand, and then asked how many people knew she'd had a kidney removed on thursday. there were gasps and her husband was the only one that raised his hand. he asked how many of us knew she'd given her kidney to her son. that their family had searched for months for a donor that would match and were unable to find anyone. the doctors' hadn't given them much hope. and then miraculously she had herself tested and was discovered a perfect match. he said that wouldn't have been such an amazing story if she were the birth mother. she was his foster mother.
realistically, life is hard. and for us, like so many of you out there today, we've hit some really troubled times. but i really truly believe that if we choose to dwell on the positive....the God Stories that come from the lives that we lead and the fact that Gods' timing is and will always be "perfect", it makes it easier to breathe. to take it one day at a time. one step at a time.
i dread the bills. the lack of money. i don't know how we're gonna do it.
but today is december 1st. and today is a beautiful day. because my family is alive and well. because i have a job. because hopefully jasons unemployment extension will eventually go through. because despite my car on the fritz needing fixed and jason's car running on fumes and a donut, it gets us back and forth. i may not have cupboards or a freezer full, but we have enough. i may not have started christmas shopping but i will. on thanksgiving, that same man in our class that had his electricity cut off, joined us for togetherness and a good hot meal. he wasn't alone. tonite, we'll dig thru our christmas box and decorate our tree. thursday, jason and i both will receive certificates for our cna and on our way to take state boards. friday, bella will joyfully take part in our towns christmas parade. and sunday, the 3 of us will take our places for the Girls On The Run relay for bella.
it may not all be my timing, but its Gods' timing. and its a good day.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Of dogs barking
This friday is national caregiver day.
I strongly suggest you visit your local nursing home and give out foot rubs and steak dinners.
3rd day of clinicals. 5 to go.
3 of the worst, longest, most hardest days of my entire life.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
late night prayer requests
i hate money. i hate the stress it places on me. i hate the negativity. the sheer helplessness that threatens to take me over time and time again BECAUSE of it.
i hate my "sad face".
i've worked 7 days straight with school and 1 double shift thrown in for good measure.
as of tomorrow, i have 19 straight more to go.
i am beyond exhausted.
bella's school essay is due. scholastic book orders are here. her church group is performing on sunday.
my car won't start. the tumbler/ignition box/whatever its called is not accepting our keys. 1 mechanic quoted us a $60 part and $50 labor. the DEALER informs us he doesn't know what we're talking about and would need us to bring it in. hard to do when you can't start it. even harder when you don't have the money to fix it, nor pay for a tow truck.
jasons car is costing us $10 a day in gas back and forth to school. its sucking the gas and we're enveloped in fumes when driving it.
bellas Girls On The Run 5 k is the first weekend in december. with the events of the last few weeks, we haven't been able to go walk/run with her every day like i'd so determinted to do. i feel like i'm letting her down, and within the last 2 weeks, she's had such bad attitudes and behaviors at home and school. they've come completely out of left field, and by the end of each night, we've been drained, trying to understand where this is coming from and how to fix it. yesterday, she burst into tears in the dressing room of a uniform store. and i know there's so much more to her heart and her hurting right now. and i hate that i'm not even near scraping the botttom of the problem.
after assuming uniforms would not be an issue, jasons' scrubs alone cost me $85 yesterday and i discovered i'll be unable to use the ones i have. which means scrambling to find some at thrift stores sometime between now and monday.
our savings are depleted because of Jason being unemployed for the last 6 months.his unemployment checks run out next week. he'll receive a final check for $40. which will not cover his gas for the week, not to mention bills that are due.
we're hoping and praying and believing he'll be eligible for an extension to get us thru til january. but i'm scared to death about the possibility of the next 3 weeks withOUT his unemployment checks and him being unable to look for work while finishing clinicals. or worse, that THAT pressure will take precedence and he gives it up before reaching his goal of taking his state boards.
God, this journey has hit a really rough bend in the road. and i'm having such a hard time, hiding this fear from jason and bella. bella is running a fever tonite and its 3 in the morning and i can't sleep and i'm on my knees. and i need to let this go.
i'm thanking you for blessing us. for getting us thru this. i'm thanking you for health and family and grace. for your neverending, boundless, infinite love.
i'm asking that you take care of the man in my class, whose electricity is being turned off tonite. i wish so badly that i would have had the extra money today to pay his bill. i ask that you please keep him warm. that you protect him. that you hold him, as you hold me.
i'm asking that you heal bella. that you take whatever this is and throw it away. that you keep jason and me healthy to finish the task ahead.
and i'm asking that you keep me strong. i don't understand the circumstances right now. and i'm overcome by it. fully and completely. i feel like my faith is so tiny and insignificant. please forgive me for that and see my heart.
please just hold me.
i hate my "sad face".
i've worked 7 days straight with school and 1 double shift thrown in for good measure.
as of tomorrow, i have 19 straight more to go.
i am beyond exhausted.
bella's school essay is due. scholastic book orders are here. her church group is performing on sunday.
my car won't start. the tumbler/ignition box/whatever its called is not accepting our keys. 1 mechanic quoted us a $60 part and $50 labor. the DEALER informs us he doesn't know what we're talking about and would need us to bring it in. hard to do when you can't start it. even harder when you don't have the money to fix it, nor pay for a tow truck.
jasons car is costing us $10 a day in gas back and forth to school. its sucking the gas and we're enveloped in fumes when driving it.
bellas Girls On The Run 5 k is the first weekend in december. with the events of the last few weeks, we haven't been able to go walk/run with her every day like i'd so determinted to do. i feel like i'm letting her down, and within the last 2 weeks, she's had such bad attitudes and behaviors at home and school. they've come completely out of left field, and by the end of each night, we've been drained, trying to understand where this is coming from and how to fix it. yesterday, she burst into tears in the dressing room of a uniform store. and i know there's so much more to her heart and her hurting right now. and i hate that i'm not even near scraping the botttom of the problem.
after assuming uniforms would not be an issue, jasons' scrubs alone cost me $85 yesterday and i discovered i'll be unable to use the ones i have. which means scrambling to find some at thrift stores sometime between now and monday.
our savings are depleted because of Jason being unemployed for the last 6 months.his unemployment checks run out next week. he'll receive a final check for $40. which will not cover his gas for the week, not to mention bills that are due.
we're hoping and praying and believing he'll be eligible for an extension to get us thru til january. but i'm scared to death about the possibility of the next 3 weeks withOUT his unemployment checks and him being unable to look for work while finishing clinicals. or worse, that THAT pressure will take precedence and he gives it up before reaching his goal of taking his state boards.
God, this journey has hit a really rough bend in the road. and i'm having such a hard time, hiding this fear from jason and bella. bella is running a fever tonite and its 3 in the morning and i can't sleep and i'm on my knees. and i need to let this go.
i'm thanking you for blessing us. for getting us thru this. i'm thanking you for health and family and grace. for your neverending, boundless, infinite love.
i'm asking that you take care of the man in my class, whose electricity is being turned off tonite. i wish so badly that i would have had the extra money today to pay his bill. i ask that you please keep him warm. that you protect him. that you hold him, as you hold me.
i'm asking that you heal bella. that you take whatever this is and throw it away. that you keep jason and me healthy to finish the task ahead.
and i'm asking that you keep me strong. i don't understand the circumstances right now. and i'm overcome by it. fully and completely. i feel like my faith is so tiny and insignificant. please forgive me for that and see my heart.
please just hold me.
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