my sister called the other night and left a message, wondering where the little blogger that could, has gone...
(hi kim)
i've been gone a little while. on some cosmic pilgrim oddysy of sorts, i suppose. i've had some out-of-this-world awe-inspiring moments in the last few weeks. and i've had some really craptastic falls. and as is my nature, i fall back into retreat mode, when i feel all swallowed whole.
i've been by here a few times, briefly. but my heart hasn't been in it. more like my heart hasn't had the time or the energy to really get it all out. i think for awhile now, i've been hitting 239 miles per hour, so it was only fair and fitting that i have a blow-out.
so while i'm kinda stretching out the sore, bruised spots, allow me to celebrate a compiled "happiness is" kind of list.
*fall
*Gods comfort and quiet and blessings poured out
*breathing room
*being present
*a strawberry limeade with cranberry from sonic
*2 of the people i love most in the world
*beautiful sunsets
*my mom
*a "necklace from your mama is better than diamonds"
*care packages from home
*money, unexpected money. more than just enough, and being able to buy what we need. actual stocked groceries in the cupboards and freezer. gas in the car.
*jasons mom
*new friends. good friends. good conversation.
*picnics with nature
*the pride of a job well done and no more squeaky brakes
*my sister
*time together
*ebb and flow
*fresh fruit/veggies from a farmers market
* the $3.50 show to wall-e and the significance in its meaning
*asheville
*a squeaky clean house
*yummy candles
*an awesome sermon
*bojangles seasoned fries
*warm days and cool nights
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
part deux... or don't let go of the rope til you know how to swing
i was in the unique position, today, of sitting with 3 very different women.....trying to comfort 3 very different sets of tears. my dark cloud i've had superglued to my backside this week, evidently decided to include a few others in its *rain* of sadness today. yet somehow, they all managed to help me understand just a little bit more about me in the process. isn't it something how tears can put things in perspective....
its amazing, all the stories we keep hidden in our attics, isn't it?
its funny, i logged back in this afternoon and the random shuffle on my playlist threw out "remember when".
the biggest reason i began this blog, was to create a safe place where i could dig thru all this dirt on my soul and get it out. my guts on the line...my prayer, if you will.
i spent much of monday morning, lying in bed, thinking. remembering when. i flipped shifts with a coworker, making mine a double on friday, so had monday off. i had plans to clean the house, hunt some crickets for bella's frogs, maybe catch some ellen degeres. 'make a nice dinner. not big plans. just leisurely ones, with the idea that i'd have the house to myself. plans that were switched up abit by jason announcing he was calling into work to take the day off too.
another time and place, i'd have been happy at that announcement, that he wanted to spend time with me. earlier in our relationship, we would "lay out" together, from time to time. it didn't matter if we went exploring and hiking or watched movies and snuggled all day in bed. but that was when we were young and crazy and didn't have the presence of mind to care about what consequences could sneak in from the loss of a day's pay. when we weren't worried about how much gas it would take to get thru the week or where our next meal was coming from. we were in love, and we all know that that conquers everything, no?
in jasons' mind, i know he intended his surprise on monday for good, and so i bit my tongue. hard. because instead of spending the time together.... as i lay there talking, he slept. as he often does, when given that inch. when he doesn't know how to deal with or fix the problem at hand. some of us turtle. others, sleep.
and, as often happens, my throat slowly began to burn with tears i tried to swallow whole.
i could have reached over and shook him awake. but i didn't. and i don't. because somehow, it just seems easier, sometimes, if all this chaos i'm trying to dig thru, i just do on my own.
the thing is, i know that's part of my problem. its this ingrained character trait within me that says i need to fix and take care of everyone in my life. i need to solve the problem. and that i'm not trying hard enough if/when i can't.
the reality is, i don't have to work on me, when i've got someone else to take care of.
i think quite possibly one of the bigger traits that attracted jason or i to eachother initially, was our mutual desire to take care of the other.. i'd left an abusive, unhealthy marriage and was more than hesitant to dip into another long-term relationship. he'd just walked out of a broken engagement, himself. as we moved slowly into dating, in the beginning, we out-did ourselves, trying to show just how different and amazing, a real and honest love could be.
but so many things clouded the view from our rose-colored glasses. there's a song by casting crowns called "slow fade"...in it, a line says "people never crumble in a day...its a slow fade". and how true. i think when you actually sit down to look at yourself. the self that is down below...the self that you overlook, that you impulsively hide away...its an almost unbearable thing, at times. when your truths are exposed, and you're laid bare. mpj talked recently about apologizing. to paraphrase a friend from work today, "you say you're sorry until you believe that you are".
jason and i come from completely different worlds. yet there lies a common thread of dysfunction and abuse, childhoods and relationships bent and broken and warped entirely out of proportion. to look at our collective pasts and histories objectively, would be to understand why we are the way we are. together, we've shared so much, and lost even more.
and we have run so hard. for so long.
we've run from God and we run from eachother. we have hurt eachother, with our lack of understanding. our willful hearts. our stubborn nature.
in counseling, i often find myself frustrated with ed, that jason is let off the hook, in my humble opinion. i find myself jasons' biggest supporter and cheerleader as he struggles with inner demons, and yet, i am also his biggest critic. i don't like to admit that. but its true. if ever there were a doubting thomas....kat be her name.
i remember an argument with my sister a couple years ago, and my commenting how angry it makes us to have to prove ourselves, as tho others are just biding their time, watching. waiting for the other shoe to drop.
and i do it myself. i've become one of them.
the sad truth is, i don't remember a time in our marriage when we stopped talking. i don't know when my newly happy and free spirit got replaced with bitterness and anger. where hope and faith took a backseat to the 3 ism's: defeatism, sarcasm, and pessimism. oh i can spin a few tales as to how it got started, but i'm not in it for the shock value alone.
i don't like this side of me. its so difficult to overcome. dare i say, impossible, without God doing a complete renovation.
i remember a particular moment during the 2nd time we'd seperated, when jason became exasperated during a conversation, and at one point asked me how i was ever going to trust him again if i refused to even let him try. is it ok for me to admit here that i'm scared to let him try? because i am. i'm scared to let anyone try. i shower my love and affection in my mama nurture way, from a distance, because that feels safer to me. i don't have to invest myself, only to be thrown away.
i haven't trusted in jason in a long while. because he's dropped me so many times, because he's wounded my heart so many times. i don't want to allow myself to believe that something could be different or better, for fear that if/when it won't, it will be the thing that crushes me...
i've been wore down. i have. after the 30 day period....after the rotton headaches i've been blessed with from a mystery aching left shoulder. there is one surface pain that has had me flat on my face this week. money, and the lack of it, is one obstacle in my life that is so incredibly terrifying for me. its ridiculous to admit, but its true. we've been blessed. we have had times of *enough* and times of *nothing*. but it is because of the nothing, that even on my better days, there is always that underlying fear. during all our years together, it has always been on my shoulders to manage our finances. to drain blood from turnips, to create the *safety net* . to make the big decisions. to be the head of our household and always, always have a backup plan. to rob peter to pay paul to pay mary. but i'm going to be honest, the years have wore me down. to the point of sheer exhaustion. and i find that i nest there even now.
and monday morning, as i lay there in bed, i realized that despite our counseling...despite our hard-earned last 3 years of struggling to make wrongs, right, i haven't forgiven him. i found that i am still so resentful of him for this. i'm angry at myself for trying so long to do this all on my own. for trying so hard for so long, to hold him up. trying to protect him and believe in him. i'm angry at him for never stepping up to take that load off my shoulders. for job after job after job that he left or got fired from. for months that add up to years of my sole contribution. i'm resentful of the time i lost with my daughter. at not getting to be the mama i always dreamed i would be. i'm resentful of him, the same one that helped me to fly, for holding me back. . for trampling hopes and dreams. i'm mad at this giant sexual issue that for so long, spiraled so horrifically out of control. the same issue that he & i have fought so valiantly to push forward. i have hated the guilt, the loathing. i'm angry at my rape, for unraveling so much of our hard work. i'm angry that jason didn't rescue me after the rape. i'm mad that i have had to be the strong one. me.
so i've been angry at him this week. so angry. and i feel like i have to say that out loud somewhere.
i've been overwhelmed and angry.
but its getting better. the thing is, that cracked binding i blogged about last time? will always be cracked. once it is, it is. and i think, sometimes, that has to be ok. some of the best reads are hidden deep within the dog-eared pages of worn and torn covers, binding cracked.
a dear co-worker sat down for a few minutes this morning and shared a few observations with me. her intentions were good and i stifled my "but's". her solutions don't apply to my circumstances; my life. but i found meaning in her words, all the same.
the truth is, i'd spent the better part of my morning at work yesterday, leaning on myself again. not praying about it. not giving it up. dealing with it on my own. like i do. i had all but decided that since the earliest class i'll get into for my lpn is in may, i needed to do something different in the process so money doesn't continue to be so tight. it literally felt like a panic attack. the idea that i'm still 8 months away from even starting back to school. that we can't live limited like this anymore.
jason called on his lunch-break, like he always does. and when he asked how my day was going, i burst into tears. i told him how mad i've been. i told him i'm afraid to trust him. even after all this time. after all his effort.
and then i felt like a jerk for laying that on him at work, so i started apologizing. i was blubbering on and on, "i'm (sob) sorry (sob).....it's just (sob) that i don't (sob)"
he butted in: "its just that you're scared. and you think i'm not gonna step up. that i'm gonna fail you. and you have a right to be scared. i've hurt you. but i promise you we're on the same page. i wouldn't be trying so hard, if i wasn't.
and the truth is, he's right. and its in those tiny, emotion-packed moments, that i know i'm in the right place, doing the right thing. even when it feels like i'm going at it in the pitch black. when i know God is holding my hand....i've just not been still enough to notice. i sure as heck haven't been grateful.
and i should be.
i am blessed, beyond measure. i'm blessed that thru all this ugliness and heartache and gut-wrenching sadness, God intends for it a greater purpose. that this darkness right now will somehow, someday make the light that much more brilliant. and i'm blessed that jason and i are in a place in our relationship when talking is something we do, rather than something we did.
and its those baby steps that help you learn to walk....someday, even run.
its amazing, all the stories we keep hidden in our attics, isn't it?
its funny, i logged back in this afternoon and the random shuffle on my playlist threw out "remember when".
the biggest reason i began this blog, was to create a safe place where i could dig thru all this dirt on my soul and get it out. my guts on the line...my prayer, if you will.
i spent much of monday morning, lying in bed, thinking. remembering when. i flipped shifts with a coworker, making mine a double on friday, so had monday off. i had plans to clean the house, hunt some crickets for bella's frogs, maybe catch some ellen degeres. 'make a nice dinner. not big plans. just leisurely ones, with the idea that i'd have the house to myself. plans that were switched up abit by jason announcing he was calling into work to take the day off too.
another time and place, i'd have been happy at that announcement, that he wanted to spend time with me. earlier in our relationship, we would "lay out" together, from time to time. it didn't matter if we went exploring and hiking or watched movies and snuggled all day in bed. but that was when we were young and crazy and didn't have the presence of mind to care about what consequences could sneak in from the loss of a day's pay. when we weren't worried about how much gas it would take to get thru the week or where our next meal was coming from. we were in love, and we all know that that conquers everything, no?
in jasons' mind, i know he intended his surprise on monday for good, and so i bit my tongue. hard. because instead of spending the time together.... as i lay there talking, he slept. as he often does, when given that inch. when he doesn't know how to deal with or fix the problem at hand. some of us turtle. others, sleep.
and, as often happens, my throat slowly began to burn with tears i tried to swallow whole.
i could have reached over and shook him awake. but i didn't. and i don't. because somehow, it just seems easier, sometimes, if all this chaos i'm trying to dig thru, i just do on my own.
the thing is, i know that's part of my problem. its this ingrained character trait within me that says i need to fix and take care of everyone in my life. i need to solve the problem. and that i'm not trying hard enough if/when i can't.
the reality is, i don't have to work on me, when i've got someone else to take care of.
i think quite possibly one of the bigger traits that attracted jason or i to eachother initially, was our mutual desire to take care of the other.. i'd left an abusive, unhealthy marriage and was more than hesitant to dip into another long-term relationship. he'd just walked out of a broken engagement, himself. as we moved slowly into dating, in the beginning, we out-did ourselves, trying to show just how different and amazing, a real and honest love could be.
but so many things clouded the view from our rose-colored glasses. there's a song by casting crowns called "slow fade"...in it, a line says "people never crumble in a day...its a slow fade". and how true. i think when you actually sit down to look at yourself. the self that is down below...the self that you overlook, that you impulsively hide away...its an almost unbearable thing, at times. when your truths are exposed, and you're laid bare. mpj talked recently about apologizing. to paraphrase a friend from work today, "you say you're sorry until you believe that you are".
jason and i come from completely different worlds. yet there lies a common thread of dysfunction and abuse, childhoods and relationships bent and broken and warped entirely out of proportion. to look at our collective pasts and histories objectively, would be to understand why we are the way we are. together, we've shared so much, and lost even more.
and we have run so hard. for so long.
we've run from God and we run from eachother. we have hurt eachother, with our lack of understanding. our willful hearts. our stubborn nature.
in counseling, i often find myself frustrated with ed, that jason is let off the hook, in my humble opinion. i find myself jasons' biggest supporter and cheerleader as he struggles with inner demons, and yet, i am also his biggest critic. i don't like to admit that. but its true. if ever there were a doubting thomas....kat be her name.
i remember an argument with my sister a couple years ago, and my commenting how angry it makes us to have to prove ourselves, as tho others are just biding their time, watching. waiting for the other shoe to drop.
and i do it myself. i've become one of them.
the sad truth is, i don't remember a time in our marriage when we stopped talking. i don't know when my newly happy and free spirit got replaced with bitterness and anger. where hope and faith took a backseat to the 3 ism's: defeatism, sarcasm, and pessimism. oh i can spin a few tales as to how it got started, but i'm not in it for the shock value alone.
i don't like this side of me. its so difficult to overcome. dare i say, impossible, without God doing a complete renovation.
i remember a particular moment during the 2nd time we'd seperated, when jason became exasperated during a conversation, and at one point asked me how i was ever going to trust him again if i refused to even let him try. is it ok for me to admit here that i'm scared to let him try? because i am. i'm scared to let anyone try. i shower my love and affection in my mama nurture way, from a distance, because that feels safer to me. i don't have to invest myself, only to be thrown away.
i haven't trusted in jason in a long while. because he's dropped me so many times, because he's wounded my heart so many times. i don't want to allow myself to believe that something could be different or better, for fear that if/when it won't, it will be the thing that crushes me...
i've been wore down. i have. after the 30 day period....after the rotton headaches i've been blessed with from a mystery aching left shoulder. there is one surface pain that has had me flat on my face this week. money, and the lack of it, is one obstacle in my life that is so incredibly terrifying for me. its ridiculous to admit, but its true. we've been blessed. we have had times of *enough* and times of *nothing*. but it is because of the nothing, that even on my better days, there is always that underlying fear. during all our years together, it has always been on my shoulders to manage our finances. to drain blood from turnips, to create the *safety net* . to make the big decisions. to be the head of our household and always, always have a backup plan. to rob peter to pay paul to pay mary. but i'm going to be honest, the years have wore me down. to the point of sheer exhaustion. and i find that i nest there even now.
and monday morning, as i lay there in bed, i realized that despite our counseling...despite our hard-earned last 3 years of struggling to make wrongs, right, i haven't forgiven him. i found that i am still so resentful of him for this. i'm angry at myself for trying so long to do this all on my own. for trying so hard for so long, to hold him up. trying to protect him and believe in him. i'm angry at him for never stepping up to take that load off my shoulders. for job after job after job that he left or got fired from. for months that add up to years of my sole contribution. i'm resentful of the time i lost with my daughter. at not getting to be the mama i always dreamed i would be. i'm resentful of him, the same one that helped me to fly, for holding me back. . for trampling hopes and dreams. i'm mad at this giant sexual issue that for so long, spiraled so horrifically out of control. the same issue that he & i have fought so valiantly to push forward. i have hated the guilt, the loathing. i'm angry at my rape, for unraveling so much of our hard work. i'm angry that jason didn't rescue me after the rape. i'm mad that i have had to be the strong one. me.
so i've been angry at him this week. so angry. and i feel like i have to say that out loud somewhere.
i've been overwhelmed and angry.
but its getting better. the thing is, that cracked binding i blogged about last time? will always be cracked. once it is, it is. and i think, sometimes, that has to be ok. some of the best reads are hidden deep within the dog-eared pages of worn and torn covers, binding cracked.
a dear co-worker sat down for a few minutes this morning and shared a few observations with me. her intentions were good and i stifled my "but's". her solutions don't apply to my circumstances; my life. but i found meaning in her words, all the same.
the truth is, i'd spent the better part of my morning at work yesterday, leaning on myself again. not praying about it. not giving it up. dealing with it on my own. like i do. i had all but decided that since the earliest class i'll get into for my lpn is in may, i needed to do something different in the process so money doesn't continue to be so tight. it literally felt like a panic attack. the idea that i'm still 8 months away from even starting back to school. that we can't live limited like this anymore.
jason called on his lunch-break, like he always does. and when he asked how my day was going, i burst into tears. i told him how mad i've been. i told him i'm afraid to trust him. even after all this time. after all his effort.
and then i felt like a jerk for laying that on him at work, so i started apologizing. i was blubbering on and on, "i'm (sob) sorry (sob).....it's just (sob) that i don't (sob)"
he butted in: "its just that you're scared. and you think i'm not gonna step up. that i'm gonna fail you. and you have a right to be scared. i've hurt you. but i promise you we're on the same page. i wouldn't be trying so hard, if i wasn't.
and the truth is, he's right. and its in those tiny, emotion-packed moments, that i know i'm in the right place, doing the right thing. even when it feels like i'm going at it in the pitch black. when i know God is holding my hand....i've just not been still enough to notice. i sure as heck haven't been grateful.
and i should be.
i am blessed, beyond measure. i'm blessed that thru all this ugliness and heartache and gut-wrenching sadness, God intends for it a greater purpose. that this darkness right now will somehow, someday make the light that much more brilliant. and i'm blessed that jason and i are in a place in our relationship when talking is something we do, rather than something we did.
and its those baby steps that help you learn to walk....someday, even run.
of husbands and wives, part I
"laughter thru tears is my favorite emotion." i love that line from "steel magnolias". i can't help myself. also, i forgot to mention in my last post that i really do tend to find joy unexpected from this lil' gal.
so... the cat from the depths of hell is still here. why, because i can't take a pregnant feline to the pound. i just. can't. do. it.
that, and the stoopid thing just will not run away, despite my repeated attempts at showing her what glorious magnitude of things the great outdoors has to offer.
i did finally grow the cahoney's to at least discuss the issue with christy, who, as i presumed, was unable to do anything about it. so instead, i clorox, rinse and repeat my bathtub every day. i clorox, rinse and repeat the same for the laundry basket, and i have what-nots adorning the middle of each of our vents so she can't squat-n-go. a penny bank here, a gallon of paint there. the resident weiner dog is confused by these obstacles and slinks around the vents as if one might jump out and smack him silly.
good times. good times.
but here's why i'm really here, on a monday morning.... my faith has no get-up-and-go. methinks it's all got up and gone. i wish i could be as steady in my spiritual life as i used to feel, as some of the incredible examples i surround myself with. i wish i were that strong and brave and courageous. i wish i could show in my life and in my writing, the deep abiding love that i feel, that i know to be packed away behind all these layers. i wish God and i were rollin' mad deep, right about now.
but i've mentioned that brick wall.... its still very much here.
i don't like to break it down on my husband very often around these parts because so much of what we've gone thru has been such a painful, personal journey. there are circumstances i've not even confided to family. and i fight this battle, constantly, between feeling selfish in the need to accept,forgive,love and heal myself, and yet feeling empowered by dealing with it.
i fight this battle in my marriage as well. i grew up with an ethic, an opinion, if you will, that you are accountable in this life. you're accountable for your actions and reactions. your behaviors. your very character. i believe there are things out of our control, things that shape our very lives, from the moment we exist. some of these things, we will carry with us the rest of our lives. some, we have the unique position of deciding whether they will define us or not.
i also believe if you love someone, you're going to hold them accountable as well. and no, that doesn't necesarily mean lording some past indescretion over someones head. in my book, that simply means, facing the truth head-on. together. no matter how painful. how ugly. uncomfortable. dealing with it.
the trouble with my little philosophy, is that we all have our own ways of "dealing" with things. and surprisingly, not everyone agrees with me.
whaaaa?!
my husband is so much more complex than i could ever accurately describe. it doesn't really matter.... the truth is, you see only a small window into my world, and base your opinion on what i say or think or feel. it is because of that, i guard my words, at times, because it would be unfair to represent him out of only my frustration. so it is important that you know my husband is a beautiful soul that would literally give his life for another. that behind his rough tattooed exterior, he has the softest, most gentle heart. something you know about him almost instinctively on even a first impression. and it is because of this, people love him. because, without apology, jason, is jason.
one of my most favorite lines ever, came from a coworker of mine,back in the day. imagine with me, if you will, her thick country southern accent, as she announced one night, "jason, when i first metchew, i thought you wuz an ace-ho, but yer jussa big ol teddy-bar."
he is also, in so many ways, so very insecure. he feels inadequate, unsure. and he fights an inner battle all his own.
now that i've described the inner workings of every man born into existence....
in our 10 years together, sometimes i feel as tho we've lived enough for 40.
a short time before i left seattle, i'd made a friend over the internet. i will call her jenna. in many ways, i feel as tho she was a guardian angel for me, during such a difficult time. i was so distanced from all other aspects of my life, and the computer was my one place of refuge. you'll remember my ex-husband kept tabs on everything i did. yes, i was a nerd back then, and actually got into the whole rpg phenomenon. i played the vampire game....had a nifty little character made up and everything. he thought it was ridiculous and stupid, but mr. technology pioneer and guru, it was the one vice he granted me.
so jenna and i met while playing this game. she was going thru breast cancer, and we were both going thru the proverbial fight of our lives. she was such an encouragement and inspiration. and the one thing that resonated, during all our emails or phone calls, was that i would always have a place with her back in tennessee, if i ever needed somewhere to start over. she called me her sister-friend.
one afternoon, after yet another reconstructive surgery, i called to check on her. she had a house full of family and passed me off to a friend when she needed a minute. the voice on the other end caught me off-guard. for those of you that remember "bobby's world", it was bobby's voice, saying, "will....will you be my friend?"
i laughed, in spite of myself, at the absurdity of it. i laughed, while the voice -now deeper-now normal- quietly said, "you're too sad, to have such a beautiful laugh." i was still laughing when jenna got back on the phone. she chuckled, saying i'd officially met their "j-dawg".
to this day, jason will tell you thats the day he fell in love with me. someone he'd never met. never seen. a thousand and more miles away. he will tell you, he fell in love with my laugh. he will tell you this is why he and his friend k, cooked up the idea for the surprise song at the end of our wedding ceremony, "i knew i loved you before i met you" by savage garden.
fast forward to many months later, now back at home, and my decision to move to tennessee. my husband had fought me every step of the way, on my leaving seattle and asking for a divorce. the day i knew i could no longer stay....the day i knew that my life and the lives of my family, those i loved, depended solely on my ability to leave myself behind and become someone else, was the day he met me on our local courthouse steps, on my way to get a restraining order. i made the decision right then and there, looking into his crazed eyes. i called jenna that night, and she made arrangements to drive the 1200 miles to meet me and "hold my hand as i started over."
instead, it was jason that came.
jenna had taken sick after her last surgery, and was physically unable to travel. they'd had many complications during the operation and she was left with a 6 inch gaping hole on her right side, that had to be irrigated and repacked every few hours.
so it was jason that offered to help drive me back. it was jason that took a greyhound bus, leaving tennessee for the first time in his life. jason, that emerged the last person off that bus. his arms that wrapped me in an instant hug and then moved directly to my mom. jasons hand that held mine, the entire 2 1/2 drive back to my parents home.
i used to joke that jason held my hand the first day we met, and he's held it ever since.
the trouble with fairy-tales, tho, is that the binding does, at some point, crack with age. and its up to you, how you decide to fix it.
at some point, we stopped holding hands. and i think we've been struggling to reach out, ever since....
so... the cat from the depths of hell is still here. why, because i can't take a pregnant feline to the pound. i just. can't. do. it.
that, and the stoopid thing just will not run away, despite my repeated attempts at showing her what glorious magnitude of things the great outdoors has to offer.
i did finally grow the cahoney's to at least discuss the issue with christy, who, as i presumed, was unable to do anything about it. so instead, i clorox, rinse and repeat my bathtub every day. i clorox, rinse and repeat the same for the laundry basket, and i have what-nots adorning the middle of each of our vents so she can't squat-n-go. a penny bank here, a gallon of paint there. the resident weiner dog is confused by these obstacles and slinks around the vents as if one might jump out and smack him silly.
good times. good times.
but here's why i'm really here, on a monday morning.... my faith has no get-up-and-go. methinks it's all got up and gone. i wish i could be as steady in my spiritual life as i used to feel, as some of the incredible examples i surround myself with. i wish i were that strong and brave and courageous. i wish i could show in my life and in my writing, the deep abiding love that i feel, that i know to be packed away behind all these layers. i wish God and i were rollin' mad deep, right about now.
but i've mentioned that brick wall.... its still very much here.
i don't like to break it down on my husband very often around these parts because so much of what we've gone thru has been such a painful, personal journey. there are circumstances i've not even confided to family. and i fight this battle, constantly, between feeling selfish in the need to accept,forgive,love and heal myself, and yet feeling empowered by dealing with it.
i fight this battle in my marriage as well. i grew up with an ethic, an opinion, if you will, that you are accountable in this life. you're accountable for your actions and reactions. your behaviors. your very character. i believe there are things out of our control, things that shape our very lives, from the moment we exist. some of these things, we will carry with us the rest of our lives. some, we have the unique position of deciding whether they will define us or not.
i also believe if you love someone, you're going to hold them accountable as well. and no, that doesn't necesarily mean lording some past indescretion over someones head. in my book, that simply means, facing the truth head-on. together. no matter how painful. how ugly. uncomfortable. dealing with it.
the trouble with my little philosophy, is that we all have our own ways of "dealing" with things. and surprisingly, not everyone agrees with me.
whaaaa?!
my husband is so much more complex than i could ever accurately describe. it doesn't really matter.... the truth is, you see only a small window into my world, and base your opinion on what i say or think or feel. it is because of that, i guard my words, at times, because it would be unfair to represent him out of only my frustration. so it is important that you know my husband is a beautiful soul that would literally give his life for another. that behind his rough tattooed exterior, he has the softest, most gentle heart. something you know about him almost instinctively on even a first impression. and it is because of this, people love him. because, without apology, jason, is jason.
one of my most favorite lines ever, came from a coworker of mine,back in the day. imagine with me, if you will, her thick country southern accent, as she announced one night, "jason, when i first metchew, i thought you wuz an ace-ho, but yer jussa big ol teddy-bar."
he is also, in so many ways, so very insecure. he feels inadequate, unsure. and he fights an inner battle all his own.
now that i've described the inner workings of every man born into existence....
in our 10 years together, sometimes i feel as tho we've lived enough for 40.
a short time before i left seattle, i'd made a friend over the internet. i will call her jenna. in many ways, i feel as tho she was a guardian angel for me, during such a difficult time. i was so distanced from all other aspects of my life, and the computer was my one place of refuge. you'll remember my ex-husband kept tabs on everything i did. yes, i was a nerd back then, and actually got into the whole rpg phenomenon. i played the vampire game....had a nifty little character made up and everything. he thought it was ridiculous and stupid, but mr. technology pioneer and guru, it was the one vice he granted me.
so jenna and i met while playing this game. she was going thru breast cancer, and we were both going thru the proverbial fight of our lives. she was such an encouragement and inspiration. and the one thing that resonated, during all our emails or phone calls, was that i would always have a place with her back in tennessee, if i ever needed somewhere to start over. she called me her sister-friend.
one afternoon, after yet another reconstructive surgery, i called to check on her. she had a house full of family and passed me off to a friend when she needed a minute. the voice on the other end caught me off-guard. for those of you that remember "bobby's world", it was bobby's voice, saying, "will....will you be my friend?"
i laughed, in spite of myself, at the absurdity of it. i laughed, while the voice -now deeper-now normal- quietly said, "you're too sad, to have such a beautiful laugh." i was still laughing when jenna got back on the phone. she chuckled, saying i'd officially met their "j-dawg".
to this day, jason will tell you thats the day he fell in love with me. someone he'd never met. never seen. a thousand and more miles away. he will tell you, he fell in love with my laugh. he will tell you this is why he and his friend k, cooked up the idea for the surprise song at the end of our wedding ceremony, "i knew i loved you before i met you" by savage garden.
fast forward to many months later, now back at home, and my decision to move to tennessee. my husband had fought me every step of the way, on my leaving seattle and asking for a divorce. the day i knew i could no longer stay....the day i knew that my life and the lives of my family, those i loved, depended solely on my ability to leave myself behind and become someone else, was the day he met me on our local courthouse steps, on my way to get a restraining order. i made the decision right then and there, looking into his crazed eyes. i called jenna that night, and she made arrangements to drive the 1200 miles to meet me and "hold my hand as i started over."
instead, it was jason that came.
jenna had taken sick after her last surgery, and was physically unable to travel. they'd had many complications during the operation and she was left with a 6 inch gaping hole on her right side, that had to be irrigated and repacked every few hours.
so it was jason that offered to help drive me back. it was jason that took a greyhound bus, leaving tennessee for the first time in his life. jason, that emerged the last person off that bus. his arms that wrapped me in an instant hug and then moved directly to my mom. jasons hand that held mine, the entire 2 1/2 drive back to my parents home.
i used to joke that jason held my hand the first day we met, and he's held it ever since.
the trouble with fairy-tales, tho, is that the binding does, at some point, crack with age. and its up to you, how you decide to fix it.
at some point, we stopped holding hands. and i think we've been struggling to reach out, ever since....
Friday, August 15, 2008
neighbors-n-friends
this is why i love ms navel gazing over there. she provides much needed comic relief on those days when i need it most. when i need to simply let it be .
and i always go away from jen lemens page, feeling as tho my struggles and troubles are nothing compared to some of the things she has seen. what a way with words....
on days like today, when my neighborhood has been turned sideways, in a tourist trap for the annual tree streets yard sale, its nice to catch up with internet neighbors.
to chat over the fence with the likes of a moonlit goddess of wisdom and healing, and gleam understanding and acceptance from a brave warrior in the healing well of truth.
where i can weep with a fellow mama that knows what the loss of a child feels like. and cheer on another mama whose spirit is so very beautiful despite what life has thrown her way
there's a song that resonates on my heart lately, with the chorus:
my love, i've never left your side
i have seen you through the darkest night
Thank you for that, God. and thank you, for these precious internetlings that i call friends. that see me thru dark nights too.
and i always go away from jen lemens page, feeling as tho my struggles and troubles are nothing compared to some of the things she has seen. what a way with words....
on days like today, when my neighborhood has been turned sideways, in a tourist trap for the annual tree streets yard sale, its nice to catch up with internet neighbors.
to chat over the fence with the likes of a moonlit goddess of wisdom and healing, and gleam understanding and acceptance from a brave warrior in the healing well of truth.
where i can weep with a fellow mama that knows what the loss of a child feels like. and cheer on another mama whose spirit is so very beautiful despite what life has thrown her way
there's a song that resonates on my heart lately, with the chorus:
my love, i've never left your side
i have seen you through the darkest night
Thank you for that, God. and thank you, for these precious internetlings that i call friends. that see me thru dark nights too.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
stories we tell
here's a good time. eavesdrop on a conversation between your kid and your sister's kid. both 8. both redheaded. seperated at birth. and while you stifle giggles as they try to understand eachothers southern and midwestern accents, count how many times you hear "what???"
i'm so overwhelmed right now. i really am. and my head hurts from trying to process this thing called life. lets just say tomorrow cannot come fast enough. so while i try and sort thru some things, i'll leave you with this little tale of a humbled blessing....
i really wasn't in the mood to do anything sunday. i was tired and blah. i didn't want to go to church and i certainly wasn't in the mood to "hit the lake". i wound up doing both, but i didn't go about it in a very joyful way, at first.
nothing fit right. i felt bloated. my hair was messy. i ended up wearing shorts and flip-flops, and ask me if i cared. i was worried about having to push my ob/gyn appointment off even further. i was worried about money, namely how we're going to get thru a week on $20 when jason's on a quarter tank and i'm on empty. i was irritated with jason for not taking more initiative on certain things. the church message seemed long and drawn out...i couldn't get into the singing....i really just wanted to excuse myself and go throw up.
even before that, we'd had a surprise visit from some friends saturday evening, who invited us to a late afternoon picnic at the lake and jason accepted for us. instead of being grateful, i found myself grouchy, wondering what they'd need us to bring and how i could delicately say, "sorry, but i got nothin." i was also kinda not looking forward to one-on-one time with this particular couple. which was rotten, but its the truth.
obligatory back story....
dustin and jason had worked together at a warehouse job a long while back, and seemed to really hit it off. one day, jason brought him home for supper and thereafter, he was a permanent fixture at our house, every evening about 7. the 2 of them shared an easy friendship. after the loss of k in jasons life, he'd needed a male friend badly, and i was happy to see him with a buddy again. after many scheduling issues, his wife and i both finally managed to get the same day off and got together for a cook-out at our house one weekend. we really hit it off. i thought they were lovely....easy to talk to, and from the same side of the block, so to speak. we were genuinely happy to have them as friends. jason and dustin would talk often about how they wish they could find better work, how they feel so stuck in this area, with limited education and resources.
then one evening, dustin suggested they look into millwrighting. i'll skip the long detailed version of the story, but suffice it to say, we laid everything on the line in a giant leap of faith, for jason to take that job. we lost a steady income and health insurance. there was good $$ to be had, good experience to get under their belt. but it took our last cent to get it started and the downside included alot of traveling and jobs that could last a week or 6 months at a time; sometimes longer. it was decided if they double-teamed, they would always have someone to watch their back. they could split expenses, car-pool, motels, food, etc...
the first job took them to virginia. the next, further up the coast. the 3rd to oklahoma. the paychecks were awesome. but then the "slow season" kicked in. something we hadn't been warned about. something we hadn't counted on or prepared for. they were promised it was "temporary" and were told to call in the following monday. then it was the monday after that. jason and dustin called eachother daily to stay updated and to hash out their frustrations.
when they did finally get an offer, it was to illinois and promised to last at least 4 months. the thought of that made both our stomachs churn, because there's never a guarantee of home-time on those kind of jobs. but already on a 3rd week without our much-needed 2nd income, there felt like little else we could do. jason made the call to dustin. and dustin never answered.
jason and i both called. we emailed. we left messages. with no reply. so we were faced with a tough choice to make. without the safety net of a 2nd person on the job, we both felt it wouldn't be a good thing for jason to go out there on his own. so much in that line of work is left up in the air, and the truth is, with our dwindling funds, we'd be literally helpless if anything out of the ordinary came up. in the meanwhile, jason was without work for right at a month, while he desperately searched for something else. to say we were hurting, financially, would be an understatement of the grossest proportions.
i finally got an email reply from dustins wife. in it, she was very short with me, and said simply that dustin had found something else. she was sorry, but they couldn't afford to wait and their phone had been cut off so they couldn't call. so, bye.
that was it.
so wait. that was it? after the apcolypse we'd weathered with k and candace, lets be honest, i was hurt. it kind of felt like being abandoned and betrayed all over again. jason was lax to discuss it, but it visibly bothered him. and lets face it, its always been difficult for me to trust people. i don't mean to come across in that way, what i presume to appear like indifference or holding myself aloof. but i think my soul feels it would much rather bide its time and connect slowly, than be burned.
i'd/we'd been burned before, and badly. still, i gave the benefit of the doubt. i wrote back and told her i understood...money was tight for us too. i told her we weren't angry, we'd just been a little hurt at no reply. i wish he could've emailed or stopped by, and there wouldn't have been any misunderstanding. all was ok, and we hoped they'd stay in touch.
well, my email was entirely misinterpreted. she felt attacked that i'd pointed out the obvious and in her reply, called me everything but a b****. she said i had no idea what they were going through and she was sorry that i couldn't take that step in her shoes.
wow. i was honestly floored. i re-read my email to see where i went wrong. and honestly, i couldn't see it. so i sent a reply, telling her how sorry i was , and if we could help with anything, not to hesitate to ask. i said that i never meant to come across in a negative way and that we cared about them very much and hoped they'd stay in contact.
that went over like a lead balloon. she flung one back at me so fast, it made my head spin. she said they were going thru bankruptcy, they were losing everything and to hell with anyone that couldn't give them a break. they did what they had to.
so without even attempting to stop and think, by this time i was just mad. i shot back with something ohhhhh, relating gracefully to an, "oh yeah?? and i don't have problems? look here, hussy, i've been trying to deal with addictions and betrayals years in the making and put a marriage back together lopsided. i now have no health insurance to take bella to a much needed dr appointment for an ear infection and i can't even pay out of pocket cuz i'm a month behind on bills, plus dealing with my overall sanity at having been raped and oh, by the way, i do know what its like to go thru bankruptcy and lose everything you have, so pffffbbbbtttt."
now. i hate to dash your angelic impressions of me thus far, (snort) but as it turns out, i am nothing if not morbidly, shamefully imperfect. i should also probably mention i was kinda sorta stressed with life, right about then, and in no mood to be gracious.
that, and i do a bang-up job on a "yo mama" call out, as it would happen. yes, i did walk to school uphill both ways thru driving snow, barefoot, 7 days a week. i even packed my own lunch: lard. with a shard of glass on the side.
well the aftermath, of course, was a big fat "kat, this is God. you suck. and how."
jennifer immediately emailed back, telling me she was so sorry, she had no idea what we were going thru, she'd always thought we were so happy...she'd just been so overwhelmed and they felt like they'd abandoned jason when dustin took another job so they couldn't bring themselves to call, for fear we'd be angry and it had just escalated from there...
and yes, i felt about thiiiiiis big. i'd just force-fed this poor woman that i'd barely had the good sense to even fully know, a huge double dip of crap. my crap. crap she didn't need to know. crap i didn't need to divulge. and in the process, i hadn't taken the time at all, not really even once, to graciously consider what hurt looked like for her, in her life. instead, we'd both stubbed up and not so delicately given eachother the proverbial finger. or as we say around these parts, "flyin' the family crest".
so what do you do when you swallow your foot, toes and all? well first, you throw up. and then you suck it up, thats what. i wrote her a long heart-felt email..... something to the extent of, "i am a boil on the butt of humanity." and then, deciding that was a pansy way of dealing with things, i called her. we had a delicate, if not somewhat awkward at first conversation that day, and i felt better for it. we ended on a pleasant note.
so fast forward to the here and now. things were "ok" after that, i suppose. dustin called a few weeks later to chit-chat with jason and they picked up where they left off. they talk from time to time.. jasons' gone by to visit a few times when bella's been at nana's and i've been at work. that was that. until now. ugh. its always more in-your-face, in person, no?
they phoned sunday afternoon to arrange a time to meet up and when i took a deep breath and posed the dreaded question, jennifer said, "nah, we don't need anything, just bring yourselves." we met up at one of my favorite lake spots around here.....its so picturesque and quiet. and what i had dreaded would be awkward, ended up being so lovely and just completely unexpected. it really was. our conversation was easy and relaxed and friendly. they'd brought steaks and potatoes to grill and i wanted to just cry at the grace, as well as the spread they laid out, because it was so kind. we laughed and visited and caught up, in between chasing bella who was in her element, splashing in the water, collecting rocks and squishing bugs.
there was a moment, a comfortable lapse in conversation, when we heard the strumming of a guitar. at first, we weren't sure where it was coming from and finally spotted a middle-aged man, leaning up against his van. he was playing one of my all-time favorite songs, and quietly on a rock over to the side, sat a woman, listening. it was apparent he was playing just for her and my first thought was, how sweet. but as i watched, the woman drew her legs to her chest and sat with her head down in her lap. she looked so incredibly sad. my heart went out to her and as i sat lost in my own thoughts, jennifer leaned in closely. "its somethin', how everyone has a story, isn't it...and we never even realize it, til we listen..."
.....and even the rocks cry out
i'm so overwhelmed right now. i really am. and my head hurts from trying to process this thing called life. lets just say tomorrow cannot come fast enough. so while i try and sort thru some things, i'll leave you with this little tale of a humbled blessing....
i really wasn't in the mood to do anything sunday. i was tired and blah. i didn't want to go to church and i certainly wasn't in the mood to "hit the lake". i wound up doing both, but i didn't go about it in a very joyful way, at first.
nothing fit right. i felt bloated. my hair was messy. i ended up wearing shorts and flip-flops, and ask me if i cared. i was worried about having to push my ob/gyn appointment off even further. i was worried about money, namely how we're going to get thru a week on $20 when jason's on a quarter tank and i'm on empty. i was irritated with jason for not taking more initiative on certain things. the church message seemed long and drawn out...i couldn't get into the singing....i really just wanted to excuse myself and go throw up.
even before that, we'd had a surprise visit from some friends saturday evening, who invited us to a late afternoon picnic at the lake and jason accepted for us. instead of being grateful, i found myself grouchy, wondering what they'd need us to bring and how i could delicately say, "sorry, but i got nothin." i was also kinda not looking forward to one-on-one time with this particular couple. which was rotten, but its the truth.
obligatory back story....
dustin and jason had worked together at a warehouse job a long while back, and seemed to really hit it off. one day, jason brought him home for supper and thereafter, he was a permanent fixture at our house, every evening about 7. the 2 of them shared an easy friendship. after the loss of k in jasons life, he'd needed a male friend badly, and i was happy to see him with a buddy again. after many scheduling issues, his wife and i both finally managed to get the same day off and got together for a cook-out at our house one weekend. we really hit it off. i thought they were lovely....easy to talk to, and from the same side of the block, so to speak. we were genuinely happy to have them as friends. jason and dustin would talk often about how they wish they could find better work, how they feel so stuck in this area, with limited education and resources.
then one evening, dustin suggested they look into millwrighting. i'll skip the long detailed version of the story, but suffice it to say, we laid everything on the line in a giant leap of faith, for jason to take that job. we lost a steady income and health insurance. there was good $$ to be had, good experience to get under their belt. but it took our last cent to get it started and the downside included alot of traveling and jobs that could last a week or 6 months at a time; sometimes longer. it was decided if they double-teamed, they would always have someone to watch their back. they could split expenses, car-pool, motels, food, etc...
the first job took them to virginia. the next, further up the coast. the 3rd to oklahoma. the paychecks were awesome. but then the "slow season" kicked in. something we hadn't been warned about. something we hadn't counted on or prepared for. they were promised it was "temporary" and were told to call in the following monday. then it was the monday after that. jason and dustin called eachother daily to stay updated and to hash out their frustrations.
when they did finally get an offer, it was to illinois and promised to last at least 4 months. the thought of that made both our stomachs churn, because there's never a guarantee of home-time on those kind of jobs. but already on a 3rd week without our much-needed 2nd income, there felt like little else we could do. jason made the call to dustin. and dustin never answered.
jason and i both called. we emailed. we left messages. with no reply. so we were faced with a tough choice to make. without the safety net of a 2nd person on the job, we both felt it wouldn't be a good thing for jason to go out there on his own. so much in that line of work is left up in the air, and the truth is, with our dwindling funds, we'd be literally helpless if anything out of the ordinary came up. in the meanwhile, jason was without work for right at a month, while he desperately searched for something else. to say we were hurting, financially, would be an understatement of the grossest proportions.
i finally got an email reply from dustins wife. in it, she was very short with me, and said simply that dustin had found something else. she was sorry, but they couldn't afford to wait and their phone had been cut off so they couldn't call. so, bye.
that was it.
so wait. that was it? after the apcolypse we'd weathered with k and candace, lets be honest, i was hurt. it kind of felt like being abandoned and betrayed all over again. jason was lax to discuss it, but it visibly bothered him. and lets face it, its always been difficult for me to trust people. i don't mean to come across in that way, what i presume to appear like indifference or holding myself aloof. but i think my soul feels it would much rather bide its time and connect slowly, than be burned.
i'd/we'd been burned before, and badly. still, i gave the benefit of the doubt. i wrote back and told her i understood...money was tight for us too. i told her we weren't angry, we'd just been a little hurt at no reply. i wish he could've emailed or stopped by, and there wouldn't have been any misunderstanding. all was ok, and we hoped they'd stay in touch.
well, my email was entirely misinterpreted. she felt attacked that i'd pointed out the obvious and in her reply, called me everything but a b****. she said i had no idea what they were going through and she was sorry that i couldn't take that step in her shoes.
wow. i was honestly floored. i re-read my email to see where i went wrong. and honestly, i couldn't see it. so i sent a reply, telling her how sorry i was , and if we could help with anything, not to hesitate to ask. i said that i never meant to come across in a negative way and that we cared about them very much and hoped they'd stay in contact.
that went over like a lead balloon. she flung one back at me so fast, it made my head spin. she said they were going thru bankruptcy, they were losing everything and to hell with anyone that couldn't give them a break. they did what they had to.
so without even attempting to stop and think, by this time i was just mad. i shot back with something ohhhhh, relating gracefully to an, "oh yeah?? and i don't have problems? look here, hussy, i've been trying to deal with addictions and betrayals years in the making and put a marriage back together lopsided. i now have no health insurance to take bella to a much needed dr appointment for an ear infection and i can't even pay out of pocket cuz i'm a month behind on bills, plus dealing with my overall sanity at having been raped and oh, by the way, i do know what its like to go thru bankruptcy and lose everything you have, so pffffbbbbtttt."
now. i hate to dash your angelic impressions of me thus far, (snort) but as it turns out, i am nothing if not morbidly, shamefully imperfect. i should also probably mention i was kinda sorta stressed with life, right about then, and in no mood to be gracious.
that, and i do a bang-up job on a "yo mama" call out, as it would happen. yes, i did walk to school uphill both ways thru driving snow, barefoot, 7 days a week. i even packed my own lunch: lard. with a shard of glass on the side.
well the aftermath, of course, was a big fat "kat, this is God. you suck. and how."
jennifer immediately emailed back, telling me she was so sorry, she had no idea what we were going thru, she'd always thought we were so happy...she'd just been so overwhelmed and they felt like they'd abandoned jason when dustin took another job so they couldn't bring themselves to call, for fear we'd be angry and it had just escalated from there...
and yes, i felt about thiiiiiis big. i'd just force-fed this poor woman that i'd barely had the good sense to even fully know, a huge double dip of crap. my crap. crap she didn't need to know. crap i didn't need to divulge. and in the process, i hadn't taken the time at all, not really even once, to graciously consider what hurt looked like for her, in her life. instead, we'd both stubbed up and not so delicately given eachother the proverbial finger. or as we say around these parts, "flyin' the family crest".
so what do you do when you swallow your foot, toes and all? well first, you throw up. and then you suck it up, thats what. i wrote her a long heart-felt email..... something to the extent of, "i am a boil on the butt of humanity." and then, deciding that was a pansy way of dealing with things, i called her. we had a delicate, if not somewhat awkward at first conversation that day, and i felt better for it. we ended on a pleasant note.
so fast forward to the here and now. things were "ok" after that, i suppose. dustin called a few weeks later to chit-chat with jason and they picked up where they left off. they talk from time to time.. jasons' gone by to visit a few times when bella's been at nana's and i've been at work. that was that. until now. ugh. its always more in-your-face, in person, no?
they phoned sunday afternoon to arrange a time to meet up and when i took a deep breath and posed the dreaded question, jennifer said, "nah, we don't need anything, just bring yourselves." we met up at one of my favorite lake spots around here.....its so picturesque and quiet. and what i had dreaded would be awkward, ended up being so lovely and just completely unexpected. it really was. our conversation was easy and relaxed and friendly. they'd brought steaks and potatoes to grill and i wanted to just cry at the grace, as well as the spread they laid out, because it was so kind. we laughed and visited and caught up, in between chasing bella who was in her element, splashing in the water, collecting rocks and squishing bugs.
there was a moment, a comfortable lapse in conversation, when we heard the strumming of a guitar. at first, we weren't sure where it was coming from and finally spotted a middle-aged man, leaning up against his van. he was playing one of my all-time favorite songs, and quietly on a rock over to the side, sat a woman, listening. it was apparent he was playing just for her and my first thought was, how sweet. but as i watched, the woman drew her legs to her chest and sat with her head down in her lap. she looked so incredibly sad. my heart went out to her and as i sat lost in my own thoughts, jennifer leaned in closely. "its somethin', how everyone has a story, isn't it...and we never even realize it, til we listen..."
.....and even the rocks cry out
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