here's to full tummies

i know i've been kinda *mia* around here lately. life has been busy and full of unexpected twist and turns around these parts. but i won't complain. God has blessed my socks off this year. and one day soon, i'll be back by to spin some yarns.

i hope that you spend your thanksgiving with the people that matter most to you. i hope you are warm and taken care of. i hope at the end of your busy day, that you are needed. that you are loved. i hope when you smile at people in passing, that you do so from your heart, so that your eyes light up and they feel it and smile back. i hope you are gracious and in turn, are given grace. i hope you are blessed beyond measure. i hope that you have hope.

love, me.

i had a bad day

i'm so stressed out right now. so forgive me if this seems jumbled. this just feels like the safest place to vent for a few minutes before i need to square my shoulders and get goin'.

its funny...i almost didn't post my entry yesterday. as i was just finishing up loading my pictures, i received 2 phone calls. the first, from my boss, wondering if i could fill in for a coworker. the 2nd, from my landlord, wondering if i could leave the door unlocked today because its that time again for appraisals on all their properties.

both, sent me into a frenzy. i needed to jump in the shower and get to the store in a short amount of time.

when we moved in here, 2 years ago now, we cut a deal on the deposit with the agreement that we would handle the cleanup, the paint and trim, new border, etc... and while we wiped everything else out before we moved in, the master bedroom and kitchen were still in need of border. the bedroom, i'm not worried about as its been an ongoing project and we've had fun with it as we've changed it up several times. the border is painted currently to match our trim.

i've had plenty of time to do the kitchen, but not the $$ and i'm picky ~ i've been holding out for my *dream border* if such a thing exists. and in my world, it does, ok? i don't care that this house is just a rental place. i found the border i fell in love with when i was still living back in nebraska, actually. but i've got a large kitchen and the cheapest i could find, was gonna run me $40 .

i'm anal about my house looking *nice*. i'm a cleaner. especially when i'm stressed. so that, i wasn't worried about. but its been this thorn in my side, all this time, this tacky old border with bright pink flowers and such. its just that every time i've thought i was gonna get a break and that extra $40, something else has come up.

our landlord has been wonderful; very easygoing, laid back kind of guy. but i know these bank people are important to the success of their business and i don't want to let him down. so i dug in the jar we've been saving for our christmas trip and ran out in search of some border that would at least be acceptable. i couldn't believe my luck when i saw signs up at lowes for all their wallpaper/borders discounted. the down-side, i quickly realized, was that much of it had already been picked over. everything i was remotely interested in was sold out or only had bits and pieces of remnants left over. then, in the very last drawer, i saw a beautiful pattern and dug out 3 rolls. they were unpackaged with just the upc written on tape. i figured they'd been used for samples. i needed 4, but the rolls seemed extra thick so i located a salesman & asked if he could measure it for me. he smiled and waved me off, saying each roll was 15 yards. i did a little happy dance in my head and practically ran to the checkout. 3 rolls for less than $10? score.

wrong.

i came home and did a quick assessment, realizing i was gonna have to have jason do the lions share of the job since i had to go into work. i came up 4 feet short.

4 feet short.

i wanted to cry. seriously. but i had no time. i had to make arrangements for someone to pick up bella from school, call the school, get ahold of jason to let him know why the kitchen was tore apart and could he please, please, please save my butt and still get that shower.

by the time i got to work, i was already stressed. and then i was informed that both ebb and flow needed to be to the activity center by 5:30, dressed nicely, to "receive an award at a party". it was pushing it, but we made it work. i got both ladies to the clinic and home for a snack, then changed into pretty dresses for their *party*.

ebb was excited, because in her mind, "party" means 4 things: dancing, cake, potato chips and coke. in that order. for flow, this means lots of hugs and kisses from the boys. when we arrived and rounded the corner to the gymnasium, however, i was met not with a host of our recipients but instead, news crews and people in ties and heels.

i felt about this low.

i don't know when i have felt more inadequate, more embaressed, more angry, over a job. i could not believe that my manager hadn't had the decency to let me in on what was actually going on, and suddenly it all fell into place. this was the reason that my coworker had "called in". and here i am in jeans and a pull-over, tho i guess that was better than scrubs. but here i am, looking, literally, like a deer caught in headlights, as i pose them for picture after picture, wiping drool, smiling for the cameras and praying for rescue, realizing i'm about to be splashed all over the 10 o'clock news.

and if that wasn't bad enough, i then had the daunting task of keeping them quiet, entertained and *appropriate* for the next hour and a half, while we listened to a sleu of suits talk about this great company and what it was founded on and blah-blah-blah. turns out, it was the company's 40th anniversary celebration. not that any of our other employees or clients had been invited. no, that would've been stupid. i mean, after all, employees and the people they take care of are a dime a dozen, right?

nope, it was just a rigid cocktail party for all the rich folks that fund our program as part of their companies charity. the only reason we were there, is because flow is the oldest living client, having been with them for every one of those 40 years. and you know what she got out of the deal? she got to stand up for one nano-second when they mentioned her name. she got to pose for pictures with people that wouldn't even let her hug them when she reached out, and walked away disgusted, afterwards, as tho she'd had leprosy or something.

and ebbs brother was there. he's a member of their stinkin' board. the same guy that hasn't stopped by once, to visit ebb, in the year its been since their mother died. that funeral that i took her to because noone else in her family would. and he stood there and introduced his boss to his sister that was born without eyes, as tho she could see. he stood there reminiscing about their childhood and what a grand gal she is, as she held my hand, not his. and i wanted to throw up.

of all the people there, only 4 had been invited that were developmentally retarded. and as the 4 of them walked out, charlie, one of our oldest downs clients, tripped and fell. he's in his 50's and a little heavy. add to that, his embaressment as he struggled to get back up. there we are, all clustered around him and 6 of those very same suits that mere minutes ago, were up there on stage talking about the importance of this job and what it takes to run a successful business & keep us going, including ebbs brother, walked right past him. without a 2nd glance. without so's much as a "hey, are you ok?"

no. instead, they walked right by, climbing into their big fancy sedans and driving away.

i guess this is my shout-out to all those big suits out there in the world. my open letter to the members of the board, if you will.

why.

why support some cause, why even include your company name, if you're just going to walk away. if by "donating", you're then not required to invest even the slightest part of yourself. these people don't know what i do on a daily basis. they don't visit our classrooms or clinics. they don't stop by our houses on a holiday & take away from their families or lavish lifestyles to visit these little people we support when their own families just discard them on our doorsteps.

it all just makes me so angry. i left there last night, so disillusioned.

and today, i have a monster headache. jason, love his heart, made magic happen with my kitchen border and when i got in about midnight, i stood there and cried.

and now, its time to square those shoulders and get the heck out of dodge. i have a couple short hours to finish up and make myself and the dog and cats scarce for a little while. then i'll get bella from school and i'll go in tonite for my 12 hour overnight shift. cuz thats what i do.

i guess, just, if you happen to think about it, a hug or a prayer or even a mocha frappucino would be greatly appreciated today.

<3

because i got high

courtesy of newland county, north carolina, near linville, this is the view i was greeted with yesterday.

when jason beeped in on my conversation with my sister, tuesday morning, we'd been right in the middle of discussing things like our kids and holiday plans; my hope to switch with a coworker so we could take bella to the annual free day @ the zoo this saturday in knoxville.

he asked me if i wanted the bad news or the worse news. and inwardly, i cringed.




in this grand political season, you've heard alot of talk about things like our *bad economy*. and just here, in our area, where jobs in manufacturing and hard labor are a large source of our general employment, we've seen them hit hard.

jason works at a scrap yard. its hard work. its out in the elements.

recently, they were bought out by a global company. and while many changes have been welcome ones, they've also had extensive casualties along the way. about a month ago, they had to let all of their temporary employees go, leaving them with just 14 men on the crew.

one of the temps had become a good friend of jasons' and i hugged his shoulders just weeks ago as he sat slumped in front of our computer, searching want ads with jason, and wondering aloud, with tears running down his rough cheeks, how his family was going to make it.

due to new metal laws taking effect in october, business has slowed to a crawl. they announced tuesday that indefinately, they'll be closing their doors on wednesday of each week, which drops the guys down to 32 hours a paycheck.

they also informed them that over the holidays, they'll be shut down for a week, receiving just 2 days worth of pay.


i inhaled a sharp, deep breath, as he laid this all out. and then i told him we'd be ok. that God will see us thru it.


i told him that maybe i can sneak in some overtime, tho my own company, funded in large part by the government, has lost much-needed funding this year as well, forcing them into cut-backs, the same as everyone else.

i told him we'll get thru it.

but as we said our goodbyes and i switched back over to my sister, i felt my stomach drop on the floor. she, of course, was having none of it, and asked me what the difference was. wasn't God the same God that was there just a few minutes ago when all i was worrying about was what to buy whom for christmas?

and i know she's right. that ugly thing called worry just tends to sneak up behind me when i least expect it sometimes.

my devotion that day read:

Looking back you will see that every step was planned. Leave all to Me. Each stone in the mosaic fits into the perfect pattern, designed by the Master Artist. It is all so wonderful! But the colors are of Heaven's hues, so that your eyes could not bear to gaze on the whole, until you are beyond the veil.



So, stone by stone, you see, and trust the pattern to the Designer.

When you go, your steps will not be hampered. when you run, you will not stumble. Proverbs 4:12

so yesterday, we took a drive. we live just minutes away from the north carolina border and found ourselves kind of just drifting towards newlands waterfall park.




in the spring, it is lush and beautiful. everything green and fresh and full of life. the smells are intoxicating and you can't wait to dip your toes in the fresh springs that bubble up everywhere around her.





as fall fades and winter sets in, the view is far more barren. vacant. your hideaway seems somehow more raw and wide open.

~.~.~.~.~



but we found it still just as refreshing, as we trekked up the 3 waterfalls and meandered over the walking trails and roughly hewn stairs made out of tree roots and bridges that people in years past have lovingly crafted, all throughout the mountain top.



and it was a good thing. a day for reflection. for clarity. for some deep breaths, in some fresh, crisp air. a reminder that God is right here, right now. even when thats a little harder to see.

move over siskel & ebert. or how i never got an american girl doll

if you're looking for a family friendly type movie for the thanksgiving holiday....which, coincidentally is rapidly approaching at breakneck turkey type speed, may i suggest "kit kittredge" of the american girl fame.

bella has been pestering me to see it for awhile now & i had begrudgingly agreed, after a list of conditions had been met, such as getting thru a school day without a mark or at very least a smiley face or just one offense on her take-home folder. cleaning her room without being asked. no sass at homework time. polishing the catbox errr....silver. etc...

and wouldn't ya know it, she came thru. so yesterday, i had to admit defeat, and fold, with a visit to my nearest redbox for their delightfully wonderful $1 rentals. cha-ching. (also note my shameless plug for redbox. what's that i hear? a free rental? you shouldn't have.)

i know this is gonna sound really selfish and such, but when i think *family fun*, my first question is generally, what can i get out of this? which totally sounds worse than it is, because what i mean by that, is that i'm considering what i like to call the well-rounded effect.

*will this be boring or cheesy in any way, shape or form for any party involved.

*will my lightweight, waterproof and fire resistant backpack fit all neccesary means of rescue should the need arise: bug spray, sunblock, snacks, drinks, tranquilizer gun, bandaids, motorized wheel-chair with rear wheel drive & optional speedboat mode. a shot of morphine.

*do we have a backup plan in the onset of weather and/or nautural disasters or bears.

*will it be pee-in-our-pants fun and excitement, or will someone literally feel the need for peeing in their pants, depending on logistics.

*and, most importantly, where are the emergency exits for the quick bail-out.

the same is true for me when you mix words like *movie* and *family friendly* in the same sentence. i'm a skeptic.

still. a very large chunk of my soul really really wanted this movie to be superb. i was 11 years old, the year the American Girl dolls were first introduced. and i vividly remember the year i spent christmas in omaha with my well-to-do birth dad's family. my sister staci received the *molly* doll. she was the most beautiful doll i'd ever seen and i cringed as staci drug her along by the hair, whacking her against the steps as she climbed up and down the stairs all day. i asked my step-mom where she'd found such a pretty doll, and she and my dad laughed, as my grandmother shook her head, saying i was entirely too old to care about dolls.

when i came back home, i did a little investigating, and got my hands on an AG catalog. from there, it was a trip to the library where i quickly fell in love with the samantha character. and then, kit. the dolls were ridiculously expensive and to be honest, i never really even entertained the idea i could ever have one. but i was an avid reader and enjoyed many of the AG books, getting lost in their characters. samantha was the little orphan girl, sent to live with her affluent grandmother in the early 1900s. she was kind and open hearted and taught the grownups around her many valuable lessons in acceptance, by her adventures in friendship, crossing racial and social boundaries. kit was the little girl in the midst of the depression, with dreams of becoming a journalist. her life as she knows it, plunges head-first into the unknown and her motto, left to her by her father, becomes "don't let it beat you".

i was fascinated, even fixated, growing up, on very specific points in our history. stories of the native americans, the prairie pioneers, orphan trains. the depression. just to name a few. i would pour over books, soaking in all the details. any books related to particular periods were devoured with fervor. i read all the janette oke books. the mandie series by lois gladys leppard held an extra special place in my heart. as did the the sadie rose series by hilda stahl. areleta richardsons grandmas attic series. my beloved anne of green gables.

these books were no different. and this movie is precious. it really is.

the year is 1933 and kits' life has been, in many ways, untouched by the depression and ongoing despair around her. her family is affluent ~ her mother a high-society woman who regularly holds tea luncheons with her well-to-do friends. her father, a car salesman. they live in a large house, in a high-end neighborhood. they can afford groceries and luxuries. words like "bad economy", "depression", and "hobos" are just silly, yet degrading, schoolyard terms.

then her teacher announces one day, they'll be helping to serve in a soup kitchen. one of her best friends, francis, is affected by the phenomenon of the scary bank foreclosure when her family is forced to move. as she passes out bread with her classmates to the many worn faces in the crowded soup kitchen, she sees her own father standing in line. and her life is suddenly turned upside down.

they've lost everything. their car is sold, money and food is scarce. her father travels to the city to find work, as they turn their own home into a boarding house to make money. her mother moves into the sewing room, as kit moves into the attic to make room for more tennants. they begin raising chickens to sell eggs and kit is struck with the realization that everyone is just one step away from the poor house as her mother makes her first dress from sack cloth.

the movie follows their struggle to get thru this time. the many colorful characters that come to stay in their home: a magician. a mobile librarian. a dance instructer. a classmate and his mother. she forms an unexpected friendship with 2 hobo children & discovers the damaging effects of stereotyping. how important everyones stories are. she & her friends enjoy some old-fashioned sleuthing when her own house is struck in a string of robberies.

and thru it all, she gains an understanding that the world around her is far more than what she'd ever thought it to be. that you should never let it beat you. and love and perseverance are 2 of the most priceless things of all.

its a really good story line. its not kitschy or too girlie or sappy. its sweet and heartwarming.

so go. rent it. tell em kat sent you.

fingers crossed

so this is my shameless plea to win the free wii she's giving away over yonder for a



wanna see my actual comment? and i quote:

"dudes. i live in the land of the deep fried south. i never in my life have had a gym membership and i sure as heck missed the ticket on the free treadmill for christmas. my badunkadunk is looking more and more like aunt cheryl's every day. i think its *My Time*. i haven't been good at a video game since Vector Man on the Sega Genesis. viva la weight loss, my friend. viva la weight loss. plus, i promise to post youtube videos of myself, sweatin' it off, 80's old-school style. it's how i roll."

you know you would totally watch my video.