birthdays of the holiday variety

favorite quote overheard by a friend that celebrates her birthday on christmas eve:


"yah, i celebrate my birthday with jesus. and wouldn't ya know it, he gets all the hooplah. "


tuesday was the big 33 for me. and tho several kind folks called to sing in my ear, i spent a large portion of the day just a little dumpy. no real particular reason, really. tho busy, i can honestly say this holiday season that i'm happy. tho presents are nice, its never just about what you give or get. i've not yet reached the lying about my age, stage, and as i gave myself permission to linger just a little longer in bed, i admonished my droopy mood with a "you have so much to be thankful for" pep-talk.


usually, i'm that ginormous kid at heart that starts announcing the birthday countdown at day 1 in december. but the fanfare and fun i used to look forward to as a child, somehow doesn't seem to follow you thru adulthood. i think the doldrums were present more-so because i was alone and really didn't know what to do with myself. i thought maybe jason had forgot as i listened to him rustling around in the dark, getting ready for work. then he plopped down beside me on the bed and planted a kiss on my forehead with a rousing rendition of "happy, happy birthday baby". after curling bella's hair for school, she dissapeared in her room and emerged with a homemade card ~ so sweet.


my sister and mom and mother in law called. i went about my day, marking things off my list as i went, and lunch-time found me treating myself to a whopper jr at burger king. i was pitifully envisioning getting home and lighting a birthday candle on top as i pulled up to the pay window and a very chipper clerk asked me how i was doing. i replied with a benign "good. and you?" and he grinned this huge grin, ear-to-ear, spreading his arms wide, and said,


"on top of the world. on top of the world."


something about that made me chuckle, and i drove off, smiling ~ my mood lighter. i picked bella up from school and soon jason was home as well, and we headed off to go visit a good friend and her fiance' and mother, who'd wanted us to drop by before christmas. i'd got/made them all presents and tho a little humble, i was proud of them. it was to be a quick trip and whatever blues may have still been lingering, quickly dissipated as we were greeted at the door with hugs and good conversation, complimented by mugs of coffee with creme brulee, a delightfully unexpected spaghetti dinner, and then lovely, unexpected presents to top it all off, with arms loaded down with tin upon tin of candies and cookies and fudge as we made our goodbyes.


we came home and practiced for bellas play after opening jason and bella's beautiful baby poinsettia they'd hid away, and my herring in wine sauce that i love so much. and then jason and i snuggled in on the couch to watch the finale of "the biggest loser".


it was a beautiful day. and i have to admit, when i snuggled down in bed that night, i felt on top of the world, myself.


today, i'm wrapping up loose ends. finalizing travel arrangements, making my lists and checking them twice. finishing up laundry, getting the house in order, and packing. my hemming and crafty ventures are officially finished, with my sewing machine put up nicely on the shelf. i can finally see my kitchen counters again! bella's school play was yesterday, marking the end to her stage ventures until the new year, but with no video to show for it, as i managed to do something to the video camera. i finally took that pregnancy test i've been hanging on to dear life. and tho my symptoms are still mysteriously very much there, a baby, evidently, is not.

tomorrow, we're off. on a wink and a prayer, with good thoughts for weather to hold ~ at least til we get thru chicago. and with any luck and many, many miracles, my husband and daughter will be experiencing the true meaning of midwestern cold ,and giving out hugs to my family tomorrow night.

i'm so excited. barring delays and lay-overs and weather, i'm so looking forward to christmas this year. we'll be gone a nice little while so i might be scarce around these parts for abit.

but i hope for you that your christmas is truly blessed. that you're able to sit and relax and digest the beauty and miracle of it all. so here's me sending you love and giving you each a christmas squench.

merry christmas, my friends.

good gravy, grab some joy

i know you all love gladys just as much as the next guy or gal. aaron from arms wide open posted this little jewel so i had to copy-kat.

i sat down for a few minutes mid-stride this morning, to catch up with some blogland friends and grab a little soul refreshment. i read something that made me chuckle, over there at still his girl. it was all about how we tend to forget that one meaningful little phrase associated with Christmas. a little thing called *peace on earth*.

what? peace?!? hmmmm.

pay close attention to 3:57. love jesus and grab ya a drink or 2 of some joy.

100 posts a blur

i always tell myself that this year, the holidays will be different. no frantic antics. no losing control or even a hint of my precious sanity. that i will float gracefully with ease into the sunset of christmas eve.

snort.

here i sit. my house is chaos. there are so many things to do and not nearly the time, the energy, the oomph. things to plan! things to do! things to be finished! my devotions have fallen by the way-side. i can't keep up with blogs or emails. photos need to be developed; christmas cards sent. i have a stack of snowmen waiting to be stuffed. laundry is threatening to overflow into the kitchen. i have yet to hem my jeans and i haven't practiced bella's lines for the christmas play with her nearly enough. cans for the food-drive need to go to the library. a toy to the church for the giving depot. jasons' car is in the shop with a yet-to-be-decided price tag on repairs, and he'd borrowed his dads truck for the time-being, which is now in the shop itself, after a lovely law-abiding citizen decided to throw a cinder block thru the window to steal some tools.

and still, there is that pregnant pause, waiting for just that right moment to pee on the stick.

with each passing day, i do this mental checklist and i find that i am far from basking in the peace and joy of the season.

reminding myself to breathe is helpful. as is remembering to take a moment to be still. and be thankful for Gods blessings in all of this. if i've not got back to you or i'm a little quiet these days, i'm sorry. but i still love you all. and i hope you're remembering to snatch those quiet moments when you can.

in the interim, here's the funny

lovely baby bumps

my sister told me the other day that she marks my progress by my lack of posting, and i had to admit that tho i hadn't really looked at it that way, it was true. often, when i find my mind busy and my heart hopeful, my computer time goes by the way-side.

the marked difference nowadays, is that when i come to a place of feeling somewhat guilty at not writing, i put myself in check and question my status: am i really ok? or am i avoiding? not long ago, i began embarking upon the story of my very personal struggle on a private journal, only to abruptly come to a stand-still. but i'm choosing to let that guilt go. i came to a really painful dip in the valley, so to speak, and i don't think there's harm in a time-out, from time to time. it will be there waiting for me, when the time comes.

i'm happy to say that right now, my absence has nothing to do with avoidance and everything to do with a busy holiday season in full swing. i may not post as much, but i promise i'm not layed up under the covers with the curtains drawn. i'm busy with work and shopping and preparing and practicing lines and running to rehearsals and doing crafty-type things, my sewing machine humming away or fingers calloused from stuffing.

last year at this time, i was in a painfully different place. so this? feels good.

i spent this morning in the hospital with flow. a routine test in her life is an all-out event. sensory reaction goes into overdrive. she is scared and away from her comfort zone, add to that the many medical professionals that walk in unprepared to deal with someone like her and it makes for quite the ordeal. and tho i've for the most part been removed from her day-to-day schedule, i wasn't surprised when i got the phone-call asking if i could be there with her today.

jason was irritated that i'd even consider it, after the way my position has been handled. and i could see where he was coming from. i see their request for what it is. to take something/someone, off their hands. its what they always do, when under the crunch. and i must be on speed-dial. but then i think of flow ~ scared and alone ~ and that's all it takes for me to say yes. i may not be much at times, but for some unknown reason, i am a comfort in her life. and i'm happy to be so.

the last few nights have been strange. tuesday, especially. i didn't sleep well. i kept waking up, having to pee. and then i woke up at like 2 in the morning and was convinced if i didn't eat saltine crackers i would most certainly vomit or die. i wasn't exactly sure if it was the breakfast for supper thing that my husband lovingly prepared since i was all depressed about my failed photo shoot and sucky mom skills. you know... too much sausage before bedtime.... or if it was that i chose to uncharacteristically take my vitamins before hitting the hay.

i have this weird relationship with things containing the connotation; yea the insinuation of the word *healthy* in my life. vitamins being one of them. after years of being nonchalant (read: ignorant) about my health and the lack thereof, tho with good reason, considering my childhood illnesses, and the then onslaught of every upper respiratory infection this side of the equator, combined with my dad eventually suggesting this immune supplement/power vitamin combo, that for me, was like discovering the holy grail, i find that i now break into a cold sweat and panic if my daily regimine is interrupted.

which, as it would happen, tends to happen often, in my world. i have the best ideas. seriously. talk to my parents about the plastic squeeze bottle phenomenon. oh, they're feeling it now. it all could've been ours....this squeeze bottle empire. but no.

anyway. so the ideas are grand. sadly, i fail in the execution. i'm a procrastinator. also, i lack basic skills. such as, i dunno, how to actually do something. i'm as loony as a bat and forgetful to boot. i like to think that tapeworm i swallowed to eat my food for me and make me a skinny minnie, took a detour up to my brain, where slowly, he sucks the ooze out of what was once, i'm sure, unparalleled intelligence and excellence.


i'm kidding. i'm kidding.


there was never any real evidence of intelligence...

so vitamins! all that said, i hate vitamins. i cannot smell them or i will gag. also, i cannot simply take them with water. so i take them in really cold milk. or yogurt. which is an acquired taste all in and of itself, my friends.


i hate taking them, worse. so i experiment with different times. i dunno. it never really works. but it keeps me occupied.


so i took them before bed and we were laying there with the dvr on pause because i totally interrupted "dirty jobs" to tell jason about this cute husband meme i'd seen on one of my favorite blogs and then, as i do, managed to beat the subject to death. but it was fun for awhile. jason actually appears to know far more about me than i about him. at any rate, we finally got bored and ran out of off-beat, random questions to ask eachother and went to sleep.


so by the 3rd time i got up to pee, i was all, this is just a bummer. i found myself snacking on saltines, which i hate and had only brought into my house in the first place, under the thinly veiled premise/intention of making cracker candy for christmas.


but then it hit me. i was all, dare i hope? could it be? nooooooo. i mentally calculated things in my head. i had that month long period in august, and then.....

it was all too surreal, because for the past couple months, jason has been talking alot about babies. as in, we should have another one. to which my reply is, bring it. the odds are against us for a myriad of reasons but we've not been doing anything in the lines of prevention for years now. i've always kind of just figured if it was meant to be, God would see to it.


in times past, i'd get all excited and then totally depressed when it turned out not to be. and losing 2 babies was so hard. so i've tried to just let it go.


we'd been talking about what we wanted for christmas and in all honesty, we could think of nothing. which was awesome. and very freeing. the thought that all that glitters is not gold.
i'd like to help out people less fortunate. and sure, we'd love a wii. and then there are the logical, needed things we put on the back burner. like a transmission for my neon. or jason getting a partial for his upper plate. money and life and things are far from perfection. the economy sucks right now. jobs are possibly on the line.


but it felt really good to say that we're happy. and content. that we're beyond grateful for all the incredible, awesome, mind-blowing blessings that have just literally been poured out on us this year. and that, after all that, anything else, really just pales in comparison. when i think of where i myself was, a year ago, i'm just beyond words.


today, right now, we have our jobs. we have a roof over our heads. we have cars that get us where we're going. due to an ungodly 9 hour layover at chicago's airport last february, we have free tickets to go back to NE for the holidays. to see my family. to wrestle and snuggle little nephews. to shop and cook with my sister and mom. to follow in the traditions of my own childhood christmases in years past. with 2 exceptions that are definately credited yet slightly tainted in my memory, due to a massive heart attack and then a massive family argument, respectively, i've not made it back for an actual holiday with all of my family since leaving home. and without divulging my age, thats been a long time, my friends. saying i'm excited is the understatement of the year.


my mom sent some unexpected christmas money early. bella and i got new winter coats. i got my hair done. bella got a pretty christmas dress. jason got new work-boots and thermals.


we don't need anything else.


so we kind of came to the conclusion that a baby (for jason) or a new watch (for me) would be pretty sweet.


so as i crawled back into bed for the 4th time last night, i sleepily patted my tummy and asked God that if i'm really pregnant, our baby will be just right. and then i asked if he could send me a sign. like a *for real* sign. one that i couldn't miss.


kat you're pregnant.


um. yah. yeeeeaaaaaah, that would be cool, something like that...


ok. you are.


i sat bolt up in bed and began an exasperating argument in my head. don't you hate when you can't decipher that still small voice and your own inner dialogue? oh you don't have that problem. well fine then.


all of a sudden, i'm wondering if all the peeing i've been doing is for a reason other than a bladder on crack. usually i'm the one with the industrial strength bladder that can go for hours without a stop. and the dream i had the other night? the one where jason took a 2nd wife because of my inadequacies and i woke up mad as a hornet? ahhh yes. i remember those dreams when i was pregnant with bella. my sisters' call the other day, talking about her friends' daughter whose name is, coincidentally, my all time 2nd favorite name for a girl. and i log onto dooce this morning for the first time in a month, only to discover she is pregnant. i've been sick at my stomach periodically for the past couple of weeks, actually.....


so.


i bought a test.

here goes nothin.