this morning my sister called and i answered in time to hear: "hi. this is God. and this is your wake-up call. " followed by Brandon Heaths "don't get comfortable"
that made my morning, today. i woke up at 5 am saturday morning, bright eyed and bushy tailed, unable to go back to sleep. so i curled up on the couch and decided to dig out my devotion book thats' been a little neglected as of late. i smiled when i stopped by hope for each day this morning and found that very entry . today its cold and raunchy outside, but i'm in a much brighter, allbeit introspective mood in here. minutes ago, i confirmed my orientation for the 2nd of march while i wrapped up my 2009/2010 fafsa. still abit uncertain if this is the right path. but trying to leave it there.
it was a beeeee-u-ti-ful day outside...just gorgeous, last monday. but much like the plastic over the windows, i felt just a little too insulated/isolated. i'd been struggling over the past week. struggling with writing and really, what to write, as i saw myself heading back to jwc fairly soon to continue some real-time, and might i add, long over due personal therapy. i was struggling with my position. struggling with what to do with myself, after the month of the year-long winter. moving on from what had felt like never-ending work, would, you'd suppose, be as simple as a breath of fresh air. but instead, i've felt stagnant. twice now, going back to bed, instead of facing the day, has won over.
valentines day was a massacre of sorts. i wonder sometimes if i put too much emphasis on days like these. women are all too often just a little bit difficult to pinpoint. its not like we make it easy for guys, even if we fancy ourselves abit of a mold breaker. still, i think deep down in our psychosis, we're all just really hoping that he gets us. that he remembers our favorite flower or that doll we loved as a child or something so sentimental and in a word: perfect.
of the 2, i'm far more the romantic than jason, tho he tends to do sweet, unexpected things on a much more regular basis than me. due to the history of our dynamic, those sweet, unexpected things are much harder for me, than they were, say, 10 years ago. for me, they remain abit of a power struggle, with me tempted to stomp my proverbial foot and whisper under my breath that i'm not budging until he's made the first move. *prove it* syndrome, if you will.
i don't know what i was hoping for, really. after all the unexpected twists and turns of january, i've felt as tho i've been kinda doing the white-knuckled grip on what remains of our finances, desperately hoping the other shoe doesn't drop so i won't have to hold my breath forever. and jason, my jason, knows by now, that money has the potential for me to ~ borrowing a sophie word ~ be my kryptonite. yet the day before, jason and i had spent the afternoon with some playful shopping for bella. he rolled his eyes when i said we needed to find her a card; his argument that the giant stuffed love-bug and a bag full of chocolates was plenty. i said every girl needs a card. he asked if that was a hint and i laughed, saying "naaah. but bella needs one from us."
i had so much fun that night, waiting til she was fast asleep, to sneak into her room and decorate it. and when she woke up saturday morning, my hard work had paid off, as she squealed with excitement, running into our room to smother us in hugs and kisses.
i love spontaneous surprises. in years past, i've been known to create a bed of roses, rooms full of balloons, a romantic dinner and stay out of town. but this year, i think i was hoping maybe jason would take the lead. i arranged his card, some cutesie boxers i'd picked out, and favorite chocolates on our dresser, before i left for work, snooping just abit to make sure i hadn't maybe missed something. so as i shut the door behind me, it was with a twinge of dissapointment.
i spent the next 12 hours at work. it had been just over a week since i beat a nasty upper respiratory infection, but saturday i began feeling the effects of the cold that my little ladies and all the other staff have been fighting their way thru as well, and i struggled to cold-sweat it thru the day, as bella spent the day with her nana, shopping and playing, and jason spent the day visiting friends, buying a gun off his dad and picking out a replacement cell phone with all kinds of bells and whistles.
when i arrived home, i peeked thru the window. i'd hoped maybe jason would have hung my cupboard doors or hung the blinds, both the sort of chores i detest. maybe there were flowers on the table. instead, his brother was over, drunk, and in an overly chatty mood. bella was spending the night next door and a friend of jasons was on his way over to visit.
no romantic candlelit dinner. no flowers. certainly no card. when jason stepped out later to drive his brother to taco bell, as his imbibed good mood gave way to the munchies, i sat wrapped up in a blanket on the couch, wondering how we get to places like these, in relationships. i bemoaned such movies like "50 first dates" and such, and briefly considered driving myself over to kroger to make out with ben & jerry. i fought back jealousy as i replayed the stories about thoughtful gifts some of the girls from work had received.
i don't know why women are such emotional creatures. why we can become such sniveling basket-cases when things don't go our way. but my heart felt just a little trompled, when jason came home a short time later, giving me a pop-kiss while delivering 2 crunchy tacos and a bag with 2 candles inside, saying, "i hope you'll like these ~ they smell really good and i couldn't believe how cheap they were!".
translation *kat*: wow. i don't mean enough to him to get me something special. he couldn't even take the time to pick out a card or write me something sweet?! no romance, thats for sure. woot. and great ~ cheap candles. i guess i'm not worth anything more than cheap.
translation *jason*: kat's worried about money so i need to be careful with spending. she always says roses are way to expensive and i can't find those other ones she likes...what are they called again? i'd know 'em if i saw 'em. candles are her most favorite thing tho ~ i can't believe i remembered the 2 she looked at and liked while we were shopping for bella. and she won't be upset, because they're even on sale. score. i asked her if she wanted a card but she laughed and said we just needed to buy one for bella. its not much ~ i'd give her the moon if i could. but we've had to really tighten the belt these last several months. maybe next year will be better.
funny how the sexes differ in their rationalizing, no? even more amusing, that it took an entire week for those translations to be put out in the open, on the table. i find it ironic that often the bigger, tougher stuff, jason and i can be brutally honest with eachother and side by side, on the same page. but its the little things that we tend to hold in. or worse, hold back. and its those little things we struggle with the most, i think. the simple stuff that we let fester. i think the same can be said for faith. the smallest, most purest exercise in trust sometimes feel the hardest.
ever have one of those days? 'tryin to get comfortable...
Monday, February 23, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
captains log
day 11 in the Trailer That Could. major catastrophes averted, most internal cosmetic details shaping up, slowly. plumbing has been fixed, tho the bank account has been properly stormed. the mystery *odor* is now a thing of the past. toilets are flushing, clothes laundered, and the family reports a joyful adieu to paper plates.
door finally in bathroom. now private moments can indeed return to our regularly scheduled private moments.
as soon as its fabricated, one day soon, an actual window in place, in master bedroom.
nasty garbage dug out from under back deck: check. *trailer trash* has literally and finally all been taken to the dump. 'only took 7 borrowed truck loads to accomplish. rip in butt of pants: even bigger.
pounds lost: many. (woot)
phone service and internet officially up and running. our captain reports she may yet survive.
captain: oh-so-tired.
door finally in bathroom. now private moments can indeed return to our regularly scheduled private moments.
as soon as its fabricated, one day soon, an actual window in place, in master bedroom.
nasty garbage dug out from under back deck: check. *trailer trash* has literally and finally all been taken to the dump. 'only took 7 borrowed truck loads to accomplish. rip in butt of pants: even bigger.
pounds lost: many. (woot)
phone service and internet officially up and running. our captain reports she may yet survive.
captain: oh-so-tired.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
rain, rain...go away
i logged on this morning and abbie had sent me a *lemonade award*, which tickled me to death, i hafta tell ya. it made me genuinely smile. big hugs go out her way, and i'll be by to pick up my award soon, i promise!
this morning, its pouring the rain here. typical for tennessee in the winter, tho unlike my beloved seattle, the rain here makes it rather difficult to Get Things Done. you've got inconveniences to deal with, such as mud. but after the last few days i've had? i think i'm physically incapable of letting these little things bother me anymore.
i'd planned to take several car-loads across town, during the course of the day, today. which will now prove significantly more dirty and time-consuming, seeing as how i can't back the car up in the yard or i'll be mud-wrestling eleventeen thousand pounds of fiberglass, rubber and steel.
:sigh:
these are the days when i really really wish the camcorder wouldn't have fritzed out. like last night when we virgin carpet-layers got busy with a box-cutter and some strange angles. at one point, jason was laying up under the padding as i tried to blindly guide him in the right direction. or yesterday afternoon, when i spent 23 frustrated, sweat-soaked minutes trying to stuff 180 sq ft of carpet padding in my neon, when the floor person plainly told me i could. let me tell you what. i did finally conquer that sucker. but not before i'd given the guy sitting in his car, shoulders heaving from laughter the whole time, a good show. and certainly not before i'd given one final heave and busted the hind end out my once-upon-a-time favorite jogging britches, now covered in paint and flooring adhesive with the butt ripped out.
it is my most sincere hope that they had parking lot cameras and that i was able to entertain the whole of lowes flooring department, for i evidently have *sucka* stamped on my forehead.
chalk one up for my husband tho, who failed to see the injustice of the situation, upon my arrival *home*, instead sauntering over with a "roooowwwr. easy access? kinky".
or then there's the handy-man that took a week to come out, mind you, only for me to overhear him with his buddy, "gotta love these $100 mansions", before i found out our water line is busted, and neither one of us was laughing.
i've been properly humbled, trompled, and quite literally, ripped wide open, over the past week. gimme your best shot...."trailer trash"? bring it.
because its all kind of funny, now. and because despite all of that, i've not yet been defeated. which i chalk up to Gods grace and a wicked bad sense of humor. also, its hard to remember the last time i bathed, properly. which i'm convinced has something to do with my chutzpah. because when you're dirt-caked, its kinda hard to look you straight in the eye & take you too seriously. especially when you can see polka-dotted underwear when i turn around.
and because its been so frustrating and difficult and yet we've had so many unexpected blessings in the proccess.
take the carpet we finally wrangled last night. this coworker of jasons' had been let go in the last lay-off spree. and out of the blue one night last week, called jason and asked if we could use some carpet. turns out he does remodeling on the side and was helping a neighbor to put down hardwood floors. he wasn't sure of the dimensions but we were welcome to it if we wanted it. he didn't even know we were moving. the carpet was in pristine condition. absolutely beautiful. even smelled wonderful. and it was exactly enough to cover both bedrooms.
'seems like every time we've turned around, there's been something else...another unexpected expense. and yet, even then, we've had little blessings. i was slobbering over the border i'd love to have in my kitchen and wondering how i'd afford curtains too...seemed like a want, rather than a need. i'd have to pick one or the other. i'd found the perfect valances that would match my primitive *theme*. a pale green gingham that were so beautiful. but each one cost $15, so i'd moved on, and googled how to make valances out of bedskirts. it was a silly pipe-dream i've not shared with anyone, not even jason. he's been so busy with the important stuff around there, that aside from getting my blessing on the trim color, we've not sat down to discuss trivial things like decorating. yesterday afternoon, i'd just got back with another car-load and stopped in at my inlaws to grab a drink of water when linda jumped up and told me to hold on a minute...she had something for me. out she came with a bag, thrusting it into my arms, saying if i didn't like them, it wouldn't hurt her feelings...i could exchange them for something else. but as i peered inside, my heart melted in a puddle right at my feet and i could feel the tears coming on. for inside, were 3 valances in pale green gingham.
you know, its so true what they say..."when it rains it pours". quite literally, today. but its so true, also, that these million tiny frustrating and overall insignificant moments are also the most precious and meaningful. not the destination, but the journey there.
this morning, its pouring the rain here. typical for tennessee in the winter, tho unlike my beloved seattle, the rain here makes it rather difficult to Get Things Done. you've got inconveniences to deal with, such as mud. but after the last few days i've had? i think i'm physically incapable of letting these little things bother me anymore.
i'd planned to take several car-loads across town, during the course of the day, today. which will now prove significantly more dirty and time-consuming, seeing as how i can't back the car up in the yard or i'll be mud-wrestling eleventeen thousand pounds of fiberglass, rubber and steel.
:sigh:
these are the days when i really really wish the camcorder wouldn't have fritzed out. like last night when we virgin carpet-layers got busy with a box-cutter and some strange angles. at one point, jason was laying up under the padding as i tried to blindly guide him in the right direction. or yesterday afternoon, when i spent 23 frustrated, sweat-soaked minutes trying to stuff 180 sq ft of carpet padding in my neon, when the floor person plainly told me i could. let me tell you what. i did finally conquer that sucker. but not before i'd given the guy sitting in his car, shoulders heaving from laughter the whole time, a good show. and certainly not before i'd given one final heave and busted the hind end out my once-upon-a-time favorite jogging britches, now covered in paint and flooring adhesive with the butt ripped out.
it is my most sincere hope that they had parking lot cameras and that i was able to entertain the whole of lowes flooring department, for i evidently have *sucka* stamped on my forehead.
chalk one up for my husband tho, who failed to see the injustice of the situation, upon my arrival *home*, instead sauntering over with a "roooowwwr. easy access? kinky".
or then there's the handy-man that took a week to come out, mind you, only for me to overhear him with his buddy, "gotta love these $100 mansions", before i found out our water line is busted, and neither one of us was laughing.
i've been properly humbled, trompled, and quite literally, ripped wide open, over the past week. gimme your best shot...."trailer trash"? bring it.
because its all kind of funny, now. and because despite all of that, i've not yet been defeated. which i chalk up to Gods grace and a wicked bad sense of humor. also, its hard to remember the last time i bathed, properly. which i'm convinced has something to do with my chutzpah. because when you're dirt-caked, its kinda hard to look you straight in the eye & take you too seriously. especially when you can see polka-dotted underwear when i turn around.
and because its been so frustrating and difficult and yet we've had so many unexpected blessings in the proccess.
take the carpet we finally wrangled last night. this coworker of jasons' had been let go in the last lay-off spree. and out of the blue one night last week, called jason and asked if we could use some carpet. turns out he does remodeling on the side and was helping a neighbor to put down hardwood floors. he wasn't sure of the dimensions but we were welcome to it if we wanted it. he didn't even know we were moving. the carpet was in pristine condition. absolutely beautiful. even smelled wonderful. and it was exactly enough to cover both bedrooms.
'seems like every time we've turned around, there's been something else...another unexpected expense. and yet, even then, we've had little blessings. i was slobbering over the border i'd love to have in my kitchen and wondering how i'd afford curtains too...seemed like a want, rather than a need. i'd have to pick one or the other. i'd found the perfect valances that would match my primitive *theme*. a pale green gingham that were so beautiful. but each one cost $15, so i'd moved on, and googled how to make valances out of bedskirts. it was a silly pipe-dream i've not shared with anyone, not even jason. he's been so busy with the important stuff around there, that aside from getting my blessing on the trim color, we've not sat down to discuss trivial things like decorating. yesterday afternoon, i'd just got back with another car-load and stopped in at my inlaws to grab a drink of water when linda jumped up and told me to hold on a minute...she had something for me. out she came with a bag, thrusting it into my arms, saying if i didn't like them, it wouldn't hurt her feelings...i could exchange them for something else. but as i peered inside, my heart melted in a puddle right at my feet and i could feel the tears coming on. for inside, were 3 valances in pale green gingham.
you know, its so true what they say..."when it rains it pours". quite literally, today. but its so true, also, that these million tiny frustrating and overall insignificant moments are also the most precious and meaningful. not the destination, but the journey there.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
eye of the heifer
so while sitting down to enjoy my egg sammich with hot plans to hit the blog circuit this morning, i managed to twist something rather peculiar in my back. nooo. couldn't happen whilst i've been tearing up floors or packing and heaving 50 lb boxes. but sitting down to feed. its fitting, no.
in the off/on 10 years i've lived in the grand state of tennessee, we've never had snow like we've had yesterday and today. bella has never once experienced the joy of a *snow-day* until today. and in those on/off 10 years of praying fervently for snow, i've never been more annoyed than i am today.
i suppose the spasm in my back isn't helping. as is the bank, holding my precious *big money*, crippling my well-intended plans to Get Stuff Done! nope. instead of thoughts of snowmen and hot chocolate dancing in my head, i feel stuck. imprisoned, even. with 11 days left to pack and get the heck out of dodge, one might imagine i'd be thankful for the interim. because once a little hint of warm weather sneaks in, it'll all be about the trailer again, and i'll be doing the mad dash to keep up with both.
*sigh*
i sat down yesterday at the computer and bawled thru this awful, horrid post that i've since decided not to share. noone wants to hear my blubbering. lets just say that tho a bunch of packing eventually got done, yesterday was not very pleasant. i suffered from a headache just shy of a migraine for most of the day, while bella played under-foot and i cried with every new freshly filled box i taped up, wondering pitifully why i'm so far away. why it seems so often that i have to take a step back. why so many have so much. and why we fight so hard for what we do have, only to have so little. and then to have that taken away.
i share that, not in a shameless plug for sympathy, but because i need to show i'm a little human sometimes. that some days, i don't do so well at the 'keepin on'.
in a couple days, you'll never know we had snow. maybe i can finally get the water turned on at the other place and hopefully/prayerfully, the handy-man coming over can fix what ails the 20 something year old furnace. the bank will finally & begrudgingly give me access to my moulah and i can do things like pay the handy-man, and shop around for things like silicone putty and carpet remnants and a stove, oh my!
but today, just today, i'll take a breath and remind myself to keep on keepin' on. and america will too, on this all important day in history. i'll remind myself that the littlest things matter the most. that i'm blessed beyond measure and that i'm grateful for those blessings. that i'm not, nor do i need to be any bigger or better than anyone else. that maybe, if i can show myself faithful in a trailer, some day i'll get my big campground with my farmhouse on the hill.
this post today, from the archives of jen lemen really rejuvenated me:
even if you are not perfect
even if you don’t know the answer
even if you are horribly confused
even if you can’t make anyone feel better
even if you don’t know how to make yourself well
even if you made a mistake
even if you don’t know how to be
even if you are ashamed
even if you are hopeless
even if you don’t quite fit in
even if you are scared
even if you are lonely
even if you shouldn’t be having such a hard time right now
even if you don’t think so
even if you haven’t found your place yet
even if you aren’t proud of yourself
even if no one has really seen you before
even if you don’t know what to do
even if you try too hard
even if you’re disappointed
even if you don’t really like yourself right now
even if you are beyond good advice
even if you don’t know how to cry
even if you think this post must be meant for someone other than you.
I hope today you will look up into the sky and then all the way down to your feet. That is the earth you are standing on. She is holding you. She is sending you all the love she has in her heart. She is there for you. She will not let you go.
and today, thats the way i choose to feel about God. He's holding me. sending me all His love. not letting me go.
baby steps, america. one foot in front of the other.
in the off/on 10 years i've lived in the grand state of tennessee, we've never had snow like we've had yesterday and today. bella has never once experienced the joy of a *snow-day* until today. and in those on/off 10 years of praying fervently for snow, i've never been more annoyed than i am today.
i suppose the spasm in my back isn't helping. as is the bank, holding my precious *big money*, crippling my well-intended plans to Get Stuff Done! nope. instead of thoughts of snowmen and hot chocolate dancing in my head, i feel stuck. imprisoned, even. with 11 days left to pack and get the heck out of dodge, one might imagine i'd be thankful for the interim. because once a little hint of warm weather sneaks in, it'll all be about the trailer again, and i'll be doing the mad dash to keep up with both.
*sigh*
i sat down yesterday at the computer and bawled thru this awful, horrid post that i've since decided not to share. noone wants to hear my blubbering. lets just say that tho a bunch of packing eventually got done, yesterday was not very pleasant. i suffered from a headache just shy of a migraine for most of the day, while bella played under-foot and i cried with every new freshly filled box i taped up, wondering pitifully why i'm so far away. why it seems so often that i have to take a step back. why so many have so much. and why we fight so hard for what we do have, only to have so little. and then to have that taken away.
i share that, not in a shameless plug for sympathy, but because i need to show i'm a little human sometimes. that some days, i don't do so well at the 'keepin on'.
in a couple days, you'll never know we had snow. maybe i can finally get the water turned on at the other place and hopefully/prayerfully, the handy-man coming over can fix what ails the 20 something year old furnace. the bank will finally & begrudgingly give me access to my moulah and i can do things like pay the handy-man, and shop around for things like silicone putty and carpet remnants and a stove, oh my!
but today, just today, i'll take a breath and remind myself to keep on keepin' on. and america will too, on this all important day in history. i'll remind myself that the littlest things matter the most. that i'm blessed beyond measure and that i'm grateful for those blessings. that i'm not, nor do i need to be any bigger or better than anyone else. that maybe, if i can show myself faithful in a trailer, some day i'll get my big campground with my farmhouse on the hill.
this post today, from the archives of jen lemen really rejuvenated me:
even if you are not perfect
even if you don’t know the answer
even if you are horribly confused
even if you can’t make anyone feel better
even if you don’t know how to make yourself well
even if you made a mistake
even if you don’t know how to be
even if you are ashamed
even if you are hopeless
even if you don’t quite fit in
even if you are scared
even if you are lonely
even if you shouldn’t be having such a hard time right now
even if you don’t think so
even if you haven’t found your place yet
even if you aren’t proud of yourself
even if no one has really seen you before
even if you don’t know what to do
even if you try too hard
even if you’re disappointed
even if you don’t really like yourself right now
even if you are beyond good advice
even if you don’t know how to cry
even if you think this post must be meant for someone other than you.
I hope today you will look up into the sky and then all the way down to your feet. That is the earth you are standing on. She is holding you. She is sending you all the love she has in her heart. She is there for you. She will not let you go.
and today, thats the way i choose to feel about God. He's holding me. sending me all His love. not letting me go.
baby steps, america. one foot in front of the other.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
batting a thousand
i feel like i need to dust off the ol' blog around here. this, as well as my other journal has been sorely neglected and i'm going thru blog withdrawls from all of you as well. :sniff: there are so many snippets i've caught here and there as i've jumped online when i can...entries i want to comment on but time hasn't warranted. sophie gave me the most wonderful christmas present over on her page (you're so awesome!) and i feel very much like that old lady with the cats that doesn't get her christmas letters sent off til MARCH.
i promise to get with it one of these days. TRUST me when i tell you we've got things to talk about. but somehow, in effort to avoid the crippling depression i went thru last year at this time, i've managed to kick into overdrive on some real-time issues. all of which, might i add, have been completely unexpected and particularly uncomfortable.
last night, for instance, i got to be video-taped in a sworn statement as the witness to a crime. and then i got to take part in my very first line-up. let me clarify ~ i wasn't in the line-up. i got to pick people out of a line-up. yah. it was all very hard-core with just that hint of cagney & lacey type feel. never a dull moment here, kids.
this morning, i'm struggling abit with a little something i like to call motivation. for the past week, when i wasn't at work, i was still working. i've talked briefly in the past about our struggle with money. mainly the lack of it. when my schedule was changed, my hours were cut. then when jason's company hit the economical crunch, his hours were cut as well. thankfully, his position has held tight thru a lay-off and then firing spree, as recent as yesterday. but all combined, it works out to 8 days of lost pay per month, between us. which hurts, my friends.
we'd barely settled in from the holidays this new year when we got a really big wake-up call, which called for a change. when your rent and utilities demands 3/4 of your monthly income, its time to talk turkey. we don't live beyond our means. but when you begin to live to work rather than work to live, it puts your *means* in perspective. pretty darned fast.
so the path this is taking us on, has become an adventure of sorts. wildly spontaneous, often unpleasant and groping about completely blind. i feel very much like a naked vole on space mountain, to be honest. how's that for a visual.
yet, surprisingly, as scary as it could be, as dirty and exhausting as it has been, in just the last week, its also been a very joyful experience.
we have until the first of february to be out of our current rental. my tree street dream with the enormous space and the pristine location, aside from crack-head neighbors. we're moving in to a trailer. right next door to jasons parents. for free, minus lot rent. but free, for a myriad of reasons, my friends. a myriad of reasons.
there's a great story behind all this. there really is. despite the truck-loads of trash and the pulling up carpets and flooring. despite the no heat, despite the sore, aching muscles. the even greater story is that somehow, despite how awful this could seem, God's been so awesome and gracious. and as each obstacle has been faced, head-on, Gods' provided a solution. just right for us. i can't begin to tell you how discouraged and yet optimistic i've felt, over the past week. its been such an undertaking. and i've been so blessed by the multitude of little miracles that have popped up when i've least expected it and certainly didn't have the strength on my own, to deal with it.
there's so much to do. and very little time, money and know-how, to get it accomplished. but we will. God never opens a door without walking you through it.
someday soon, i'll be able to drop by more often. but for now, good thoughts and prayers, yah?
i promise to get with it one of these days. TRUST me when i tell you we've got things to talk about. but somehow, in effort to avoid the crippling depression i went thru last year at this time, i've managed to kick into overdrive on some real-time issues. all of which, might i add, have been completely unexpected and particularly uncomfortable.
last night, for instance, i got to be video-taped in a sworn statement as the witness to a crime. and then i got to take part in my very first line-up. let me clarify ~ i wasn't in the line-up. i got to pick people out of a line-up. yah. it was all very hard-core with just that hint of cagney & lacey type feel. never a dull moment here, kids.
this morning, i'm struggling abit with a little something i like to call motivation. for the past week, when i wasn't at work, i was still working. i've talked briefly in the past about our struggle with money. mainly the lack of it. when my schedule was changed, my hours were cut. then when jason's company hit the economical crunch, his hours were cut as well. thankfully, his position has held tight thru a lay-off and then firing spree, as recent as yesterday. but all combined, it works out to 8 days of lost pay per month, between us. which hurts, my friends.
we'd barely settled in from the holidays this new year when we got a really big wake-up call, which called for a change. when your rent and utilities demands 3/4 of your monthly income, its time to talk turkey. we don't live beyond our means. but when you begin to live to work rather than work to live, it puts your *means* in perspective. pretty darned fast.
so the path this is taking us on, has become an adventure of sorts. wildly spontaneous, often unpleasant and groping about completely blind. i feel very much like a naked vole on space mountain, to be honest. how's that for a visual.
yet, surprisingly, as scary as it could be, as dirty and exhausting as it has been, in just the last week, its also been a very joyful experience.
we have until the first of february to be out of our current rental. my tree street dream with the enormous space and the pristine location, aside from crack-head neighbors. we're moving in to a trailer. right next door to jasons parents. for free, minus lot rent. but free, for a myriad of reasons, my friends. a myriad of reasons.
there's a great story behind all this. there really is. despite the truck-loads of trash and the pulling up carpets and flooring. despite the no heat, despite the sore, aching muscles. the even greater story is that somehow, despite how awful this could seem, God's been so awesome and gracious. and as each obstacle has been faced, head-on, Gods' provided a solution. just right for us. i can't begin to tell you how discouraged and yet optimistic i've felt, over the past week. its been such an undertaking. and i've been so blessed by the multitude of little miracles that have popped up when i've least expected it and certainly didn't have the strength on my own, to deal with it.
there's so much to do. and very little time, money and know-how, to get it accomplished. but we will. God never opens a door without walking you through it.
someday soon, i'll be able to drop by more often. but for now, good thoughts and prayers, yah?
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