of taking leaps

i can think of a dozen good reasons that i should step into a classroom next monday morning. to better our lives. for the money. the job security. to follow through with something. to prove to myself i have it in me.

and i can think of an equal dozen good reasons why now is not the right time for me.

i broke down in tears with my sister on the phone yesterday. i'd just received gut wrenching news that i may not be able to attend bella's spring concert. not because of anything in my control, but because of a manager at work that has determined to stick like a thorn in my side. she's known about this event for weeks and yet scheduled me to train new staff on that particular day.

some days, i lose all hope in humanity and kindness and goodness in this world.

i think to myself that whatever love and determination i've put into this work that i do, is, in all honesty, pointless at the end of the day. tenure matters not, without a degree or lips pursed just so, to kiss the right bum at the right time.

and i think to myself that i don't want this job forever....this place that dictates how and if and when i spend my life.

so i bide my time. i bite my tongue behind closed lips. i look the other way when they abuse the system. i show up for work and do my job for the day. and at the end, i go home.

but i take it with me.

for a myriad of different reasons, i'm going thru such a difficult and conflicting time in my life. i'm aware that i need to take a step, yet i stand paralyzed, not willing to pick a direction. i'm so afraid of falling. of not having the stamina and the courage and the smarts to pull myself out.

i don't feel that backing. that go ahead. but i know i can't stand still.

its all i have done.

jason and i got into a heated argument over his lunch break. ever like his father, its easier to be stubborn and be quiet when words are needed. tho when he does voice his opinion on this matter, its not what i want to hear.

its a hard day, all around. please pray for me.

30 days

they say it takes 30 days to really get a feel for something. 30 days to develop new habits. 30 days to break an old one.

i'm inching my way closer to my own personal 30 day mark. awhile back, i started walking in the mornings. and i'm proud to say i've kept at it. oh, i've thought about it...talked about it...even attempted it a few times. by myself, with friends. but it always fizzles out, for one reason or another. once upon a time i was even hitting the gym. but its been a long while.

we fancy ourselves active. we love the outdoors and getting out and doing things. we work hard and play hard. but more often than not, we find ourselves stuck in a sort of sedantary lifestyle. and i, for one, don't want that. i feel tired and old when i should feel vibrant and healthy. i want to live my life. and experience it to the fullest. i want to instill that in our daughter. i want to inspire my husband.

my weight and subsequent body image has fluctuated up and down since childhood, really. i'm the first one to point out your beauty, yet have no problem downplaying my own. for the most part, i had a well-adjusted childhood... i went thru growth spurts and puberty like everyone else, save for some extra curves upstairs, thanks to genetics. there are plenty of things i like about me, but i can't say that i've always loved myself. i think thats a work in progress.

as a woman in my 30's, in many ways, i feel like i'm just officially coming into my own. and with that said, it gets harder, blaming the "baby belly" on your nearly 9 year old.

one morning, i woke up and just felt like it was time. that time is sometimes all we have. and that its of the essence because we just have this one time to make a difference. and i think this is one of the first things i've really done for just me, in a really long time. sore muscles aside, its become this sort of joyful part to my day. each morning, i drop bella at school and head for the park. i do my stretches, plug in my earphones and hit the pavement.

i won't lie and say its been easy. in the beginning, it was plain hard. strangely enough, because the hardest lesson hasn't been in pacing myself but in allowing myself to commit to the moment. instead of my usual *hands in 10 different pots*, i'm focusing on me. and in doing so, i'm focusing on God, too.

i'm in transition zone. i couldn't, in all honesty, tell you i've *met my stride*. some days are downright dissapointing. discouraging all around. i've had headaches and nausea and cramps and a host of other maladies. there are the regulars that continue to run circles around me. but each day that i get up and go, is another day that i've met my goal. each extra step or exercise i incorporate, beats my own personal best. and that makes me happy. i feel my clothes just a little looser, my legs just a little stronger, my shoulders squared just a little more.

yesterday, i was so proud of myself for making it around the track 4 times the hard way ~ uhpill. i'd done step-ups on the brick wall in between and was jamming to my tunes, as i hit a slow descent on the trail. one quick combination of not paying attention and hitting a pothole, landed me on 2 very sore, very bloody knees. and i sat there for a few moments, catching my breath and wiping away tears with 2 blood-stained hands, finding irony in the song playing at that exact moment by tenth avenue north. in particular, the line: "i'll be by your side wherever you fall".

i can't pinpoint any one thing that's made a difference or sparked a little something in my spirit. more like a handful of circumstances, lately, that have made me very introspective. jasons' dad's near death experience that landed him in the hospital for nearly a week over easter. the continuing stress with my job and my decision on going back to school just now. the computer - my outlet- going down. jason having a major sa relapse and how truly devastated that's made me. candace, calling again. after all this time.

at a time when ordinarily i'd want to be rescued, i find myself really seeking me out. asking God to change me first. instead of resenting my strength, wanting to embrace that strength and gain more, with His help.

and none of that has been easy.

i've been really sad for a really long time. and i want, more than anything, some balance and rest.

A long row to hoe

The computer is out at home and might be, indefinately. Looks like i'm gonna have to get used to posting when/if i can.

Spring is on its way..... Been cleaning and planting and trying to get myself planted just abit too. Lots of changes and decisions in the air. I hope your april showers are bringing lots of beautiful flowers.

day by day

after what i'd like to call a spectacularly miserable and spazztastic last week, i'm trying to take this week one day at a time, enjoying the small things and calling them all victories.

song of the day: "hope now" by addison road. love it.

If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I'm Yours

I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

you'll be pleased to know my interview with the nursing home went smashingly. i think, if possible, i was born for this job. and if, for some reason, God thinks I'm being a tad overzealous on my qualifications, then its time to hit the books, kids, and next month means school.

also, it never ceases to amaze me the amount of *stuff* they never tell you about parenthood. i can handle regurgitated breast milk, diaper explosions, book reports, scraped knees, head wounds,training bras, crushes, the birds and the bees. but its the little things that catch me off-guard.

after a full day of playing and running off energy, full throttle, bella ran in frantically yesterday afternoon and between overly dramatic gasps of air, managed to get out, "my.... stomach.... hurts....!" i immediately asess the situation. did she fall off her wheelies or scooter. could it be her appendix. when was the last time she ate.is she coming down with the flu. perhaps the bubonic plague.

i asked her what she'd been doing when it first started to hurt and she said she and her friend rosie had been in a sit-up contest down by the creek.

ahhhh, i surmised. "those are called muscles".

grace like rain

phillip larue has a song coming out that i love. i played it over and over this morning while driving to meet up with a friend and apply for a coordinator position in a nursing home that i'm really hoping to land.

its called "running so long".

i'm so thankful for the internet some days. i think, at times, we can feel so very much alone. its an unparalleled blessing to have this format where we can voice our innermost fears and questions and concerns, even joys, and somehow, across the abyss of life and circumstances and a myriad of faceless people, be heard.

i've had this little blip on the map for just over a year now. i blogged yesterday, wondering if it had become my crutch, yet today lean towards saving grace. sometimes i think God places us in a position where we need abit of a crutch to help hold us up when maybe we're not doing so great on our own. when its hard to keep the faith in unseenand believe that we're worthy; that we're enough.

your comments always mean so much to me. i started this page at such a harsh time in my life. it was, in every sense of the word, my hearts-cry. and your kind thoughts and words thru the last year have been such a god-send. such an encouragement. i love you for that.

and you're right. we ARE enough. even when we don't feel like it ~ scratch that ~ especially when we don't feel like it. and always.

i managed to sneak away to church a couple sundays ago...the first time i'd been able to in nearly 2 months. for one reason after another, i just hadn't been able to break away from work with one of my girls. even this time was a struggle, and we nearly didn't make it. Flow and I settled in to the service with a guest speaker, and while the message wasn't really anything spectacular or earth shattering ~ the title was "certainty"~ it served its purpose in a very poignant way when he began to wrap up.

He pointed out that there was a small black piece of paper in the chair in front of everyone, with a pencil. He then asked that we place all of our angst, our imagined failures, our spectacular disasters, our screw-ups, our indiscretions into 3 words:

i am forgiven.

he reminded us that we are always enough; that we're never too far gone. that no matter the situation; no matter the worlds' opinion; no matter whats beating us down, that those 3 words are always an absolute. that whole "as far as the east is from the west" thing is true. and then he asked us to rip up our paper and let the pieces fall at our feet.

it was very meaningful to me... something i struggled with in repeatedly in counseling and still wrestle today. i want to believe i'm forgiven; i'm not at fault; i can lay it down. i can move on. but i inevitably always take my backpack back. as tho i'm not really sure if any of that is true.

sometimes, i feel like i'm raining on the inside. and i find i'm so uncertain of this person i am and who i'm supposed to be.

jason saw k at work. they've had their 4th ~ a boy. he and jason talked briefly and in parting, k said "we've been praying for you". when he told me,i quietly took it in. i wanted to take him at face value; wanted to believe he meant it. but after all this time, i find that i still spew venom when i speak his name.

i think there is a huge gaping wound that i carry with me somehow wherever i go. made that much deeper and bitter with a closure that will never fully come, but that i somehow have to get past.

i reactivated my myspace account some time ago. for me, it became the proverbial dangling carrot; in part, due to her mothers concern. in part, due to my own morbid curiosity and dare i say, hope. i wanted to prove that rather than shut that door, i was no longer afraid. that i was willing to push it wide open.

and all this time has gone by, with nothing. every effort i made felt cheap or thwarted.

and then, today, there was candace. in a multitude of snapshots and bright, cheery entries. and i am flooded with grief. at this and so much more.

i ran across a poem that k wrote a little over a year ago:

I AM LEGEND,

IN MY OWN TIME.

USING MY WORDS,

IN PHRASES AND RHYMES.

THE ONES WHO KNOW ME,

LOVE ME OR HATE.

THERES NO MIDDLE GROUND,

MAKE A CHOICE, WHY WAIT.

I AM,

WHO I AM.

I AM,

WHAT I AM.

I CAN BE NO MORE,

I CAN BE NO LESS.

LIVINNG MY LIFE,

THROUGH LOVE AND STRESS.

THE PATH I WALK,

IS MINE ALONE.

LEADING ME,

TO AN ETERNAL HOME.

A HOME OF GRACE,

OR A HOME OF FIRE.

A LIFE OF TRUTH,

OR A LIFE OF DESIRE.

WHICH I CHOOSE,

IS UP TO ME.

THE FUTURE OF MINE,

IM YET TO SEE.

I LIVE MY LIFE,

THE WAY I CHOOSE.

EACH CHOICE MINE,

WIN OR LOSE.

I MAKE MY DECISION,

I MAKE MY MIND.

NOT WANTING TO FAST FORWARD,

UNABLE TO REWIND.

I LIVE MY LIFE,

AS BEST I CAN.

IM NOT IMMORTAL,

IM MEERLY A MAN.

his words. his choice to rip my life apart. his cry for help?

i go back to that day. and then the anger and the tears. and the years gone by. i go back to that moment in walmart. was he really sorry. did i really forgive.

and i know that we all deserve grace and forgiveness. but i feel as tho these last few years, every time i've struggled to stand back up, God has continuously allowed me to be pushed back down. there are times when i can't see His face. is He looking at me or has He turned away, because this is what i need, right now.

all i understand is that i've felt so unsettled. so unhappy, lately. and i need it to go away.

some days, i just get a little tired of the rain.